Setting: Just after the events in "You Can't Go Home Again".
Spoilers: Up through episode 1.05 + some backstory provided in season 2.

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Day 16

Finally, I feel like we won one for a change! Looking back objectively at the past 2 days, it wasn't really much of a victory, but it sure feels like one right now. I guess I'm just not very objective where Kara is concerned. All right, let's face it... for the last 2 days I've tossed objectivity out the window. There have been too many fraking losses since this whole nightmare began. (Lords, was it really only just 2 weeks ago?) I just didn't have it in me to suck it up, add one more name to the casualty list, and then move on. Not this time. Not that name.

It's been a grueling two days since Kara went missing. Everyone has been working around the clock. Fuel reserves were guzzled by keeping all of our birds flying. A third of my vipers are still disabled from the all the crap being pulled through the engines in the moon's atmosphere. We even pulled the CAP and deployed the civilian ships into a search pattern across the system to increase the chances of finding her. It was risky, especially knowing that the arrival of a Cylon attack force had to be imminent. Geez, spelling it out now really does make it all sound grossly irresponsible. President Roslin was right to call us on the carpet for it. It felt like Dad and I were called into the principal's office to be assigned detention, but I can't say that I have any regrets. How can I be sorry when the end result was precisely what I'd hoped for?

I guess I have to consider why Dad and I were both so determined not to give up the search. Why was it so hard to even consider letting Kara go? I never really know what goes on in Dad's mind, but he talked to Kara about Zak just a few hours before she went missing in action. She finally told him that she improperly passed Zak through Basic Flight and sent him up to Vipers knowing that he wasn't qualified. It's partly my fault how that unhappy disclosure came about. I blabbed... unintentionally... thinking that Dad already knew. I didn't tell him everything, just enough to know that I'd said too much and forcing Kara into a confession that she wasn't ready to make. Judging by how Dad was acting after that conversation, it would be a gross understatement to say that he didn't take the news well. I think Kara may have had her first exposure to The Look. I grew up with it. I know that it's far worse than any ranting or yelling could possibly be. For Kara, seeing it for the first time was probably one of the most unsettling experiences of her life.

Dad and Kara have grown very close over the past 2 years. It shouldn't surprise me. She was family for him during a time when his own family had left him behind. Mom had moved on and I'd shut him out of my life. Kara was a link back to Zak and he became more of a father to her than any she'd ever had. He considers her his daughter, and he had bitter words with her only hours before she went missing. He told me that he went to such lengths for her because she was family... and where family is concerned, you do whatever it takes, even if it means breaking the rules. But I don't think he was entirely honest with me. I think in large part, he was acting out of guilt, for possibly ending things on such painful terms with her. Just doing whatever it takes for family? It would be a first. He never went out of his way for his family before. Granted, it was never a life and death situation before.

Shit, I don't know what to think.

I sound like I'm being petty and jealous, don't I? Maybe I am jealous. Maybe that's why I asked him if he would have put in as much effort to find me, if I were lost. He told me he would have. He told me he would never give up looking for me. I'd like to believe him... but I'm not sure I do. He and Kara share a bond unlike any he's ever had with me.

And yet, over the past couple of days, we've been of such a like mind. It wasn't even something we needed to talk about. We both just knew we were on the same page and went forward from there. I haven't told him the full truth yet about the life I left behind on Caprica. I don't know when I'll be able to... if ever... but I know all about the pain and guilt that comes with loosing someone you love after leaving things on bad terms. I know what it's like to wish with all your heart that that last conversation had been different, and I saw that familiar pain in Dad's face when Kara disappeared. Without even intending to, Kara has brought Dad and me together in a way that we've never managed on our own. Maybe he and I aren't so different after all and it took a common purpose and a common pain like this to demonstrate that to me.

The President claimed that both Dad and I were really doing this because we hadn't come to terms with losing Zak. That may have been partly true for Dad. He admitted it was. But the President was wrong about me. I know that through all those hours of searching, it wasn't Zak I was hoping to find... and it wasn't Gianne either. I'll never wholly stop grieving for my brother, or for my lady... but I was doing this for Kara. Why? It's not just because she's my best pilot. It's not because I need her to train new pilots. It's not because she saved my life at Ragnar. It's NOT because she makes my job easier! She's been a pain the ass, after all. Insubordinate. Argumentative. Difficult. Irritating.

Maybe it's because of all those things.

Maybe it's because I can't conceive of how I would get through this endless nightmare without her. She's the only person on this ship who comes close to knowing me. She's the only person that I can just be myself with. She doesn't give a frak for the titles, and while sometimes that can be a problem, it can also be a great relief. It doesn't damage her opinion of me if I forget the brush and have to paint with my fingers instead. And who else among this crew would ever have given me the lowdown on my father's long, obnoxious super-fart during his 1000th landing? To her, I'm not "Captain Adama, Commander of the Air Group and Personal Advisor to the President." I'm just Lee. She sees me and knows me for who I am, not for what I am. And Lords, I need that in my life right now.

I've already offered a few prayers of thanks, and I'll offer a few more before I turn in... which for an agnostic is pretty significant. If the Lords of Kobol are real, they were looking out for Kara and they brought her home. It's kind of ironic that in spite of all our efforts and the risks we placed on the fleet, in the end it was Kara who saved herself. We could have just sat on our asses and waited. She found her own way back, in a high-jacked Cylon Raider no less. Yet in spite of the ultimate futility of all my efforts over 2 straight days, I don't feel that any of my time or efforts were wasted. Kara is safe, and for the most part she's well. It's only a small victory under the circumstances and Kara may have won it for herself, but I'll take it gladly! What else is a warrior to do after losing the big one, but try to win a few little ones?