"Yuki-kun, you haven't gone to your secret base in some time. Shouldn't we check on the plants there?" Honda-san asked through the crack in my door. I had spent the past few nights up in my room "doing homework" and my guess was that I was beginning to worry her. I stared down at the paper sitting in front of me. The truth was that I hadn't done anything in the way of homework, at least not yet. My mind had traveled off, trapped once again in the darkness. Slowly, I turned my head around to face her. I was trying to rid the darkness in my eyes as I made eye contact with her. "Yuki-kun are you alright? You've been neglecting your garden." I managed to give her a smile. Pretending nothing was wrong was a talent of mine.
"I've been busy with some council work, Honda-san. I hope I haven't worried you. Would you mind keeping in eye on it for me?" She nodded her head with a smile before turning around to leave. I was about to go back to my own world when she turned back around to face me. It took some effort, but I managed to pull all of the annoyance out of my voice. "Is there something wrong, Honda-san?" She jumped, but stayed where she was.
"Well, I . . . . Last night, I was wondering whether you were feeling alright. I mean, when you went back to bed I wondered whether you were feeling sick. You aren't getting sick, are you? You don't seem to have as much energy as you usually do." I let out a long stream of curses in my head. Somehow I had managed to arouse suspicion despite all I had done. I gave her a weak smile trying just to look tired.
"Don't
worry about it, Honda-san. I've
been working really hard with some of the things from the council and haven't
had a lot of time to do my homework. For a while now I haven't been getting as
much sleep as I should because I've been staying up later in order to finish up
my homework." She gave me an understanding look before leaving me to my "work".
I let out a sigh of relief and turned back to my numb state, letting the
darkness in my heart consume me. My eyes traveled to my wrist. The wound was
beginning to heal and I felt the knife calling for me again. It was just
sitting there underneath the mattress. If I closed my door no one would come in
without knocking, that would give me proper warning. I had brought a washcloth
into my room after last night. It would keep the blood from staining anything
and I wouldn't have to risk worrying Honda-san with a trip to the bathroom. The
calling was getting louder, but before I could give in there was a knock on my
door. This was getting really annoying, but I pushed it out of my voice. "Come
in."
"Yuki-kun,
you have a call." Honda-san sent me an apologetic look as she mentioned the
news. I stood up and walked to the phone. When I passed Honda-san I gave her a
small smile to reassure her. It seemed to work and the anxiety left her face.
When I picked up the phone it was hard to not know who was on the other end,
Manabe-san.
"Mr. President, a couple of the members of the student council aren't getting along. There's this huge dispute and neither of them is willing to give in. You need to come down right away." The implied question was answered by Manabe-san before I could even say anything. "Great! Now it takes you a few minutes to get to school from your house so we'll be expecting you then." He hung up leaving me there standing at the phone. I set it down on the receiver with a sigh and began walking up the stairs. He reminded me so much of Nii-san that I almost couldn't stand it. I hadn't changed out of my uniform yet, so all I had to do was grab my bag and warn Honda-san.
"What would you like for dinner, Kyo-kun?" I could hear her in the kitchen and felt the pang in my chest. She always asked him, why didn't I notice before? I clenched my fists and forced myself to walk on. Honda-san was happy and that was all I could ask for. Yes, I should be happy with this. There was no way I could make her happy. The darkness was always lurking, waiting for me. My bag was still sitting next to my desk and I picked it up. As I passed the kitchen I saw Kyo helping Honda-san with dinner. He was pealing some vegetables while she stirred something on the stove. They were laughing and seemed to really be enjoying each others' company. I took a deep breath and stuck my head in the door.
"Honda-san, I have to go by the school quickly. I may be late for dinner." She jumped at my sudden appearance and I saw a slight blush on her face. But before she could do anything else, I was on my way toward the door. I kept telling myself over and over that as long as she was happy it was for the best. It will keep her out of the darkness. The walk to school was silent and uneventful, but the peace couldn't prepare me for what I would get when I got to school. Huge dispute had to be an understatement. The entire council was spit in half with the leader of each side ready to get into a fistfight. What was scary was that one leader was the newest member of the council, Yamaoka Chidsuru. She was a rather beautiful girl with long black hair and alluring hazel eyes that were never the same color. The problem was that she had an attitude to rival Uotani-san. Currently she was about ready to attack a junior two feet taller than her and with more muscle than she could hope for. I groaned as I caught sight of the scene. Somehow I had gotten the worst of the deal when it came to the council. Sure they were all talented, but they couldn't agree on anything. This was not what I needed on top of the darkness beginning to overcome me. No one really noticed me until I stepped in between the leaders. "Care to explain exactly what is going on here?" When I heard my own voice I was rather shocked. The hopelessness was not there, only a large amount of annoyance, which was exactly what I needed. Yamaoka-san backed off only slightly and glared daggars at me. The junior on the other side dropped his guard and seemed to be relieved that I was there. I knew full well that Yamaoka-san would explain first since that was what she always did.
"They have been trying to crack down on the dress code saying that it was time we kept up the vigilance that the former president had. Their main examples are Sohma Hatsuharu and Momiji-chan." Yamaoka was in the same class and Haru and Momiji and had developed a small attachment to Momiji. I had no idea how it had started, but I couldn't dwell on that now. "We keep saying that it is their right to dress how they want. Momiji-chan is wearing a proper uniform and Hatsuharu-san says that that is his natural hair color. Why should we crack down on that?" I turned to the junior waiting his explanation.
"Sohma Momiji is a boy wearing the girls' uniform, how is that abiding by the rules and Sohma Hatsuharu's hair is a disgrace, not to mention those necklaces. It makes the school look bad." The look in his eye reminded me of former president Takei. "They are your family, I know, President, but we can't let them bring down the school." I sighed and looked to the both of them. Neither of them was going to be pleased with anything, but their way. I looked to see which one would put up more of a fight and knew that Yamaoka-san wasn't going to concede just because it was my decision. I really didn't want to deal with this.
"Look, from knowing those two, you won't change them no matter what. Going on from that I don't see how their choices reflect poorly on the school. Their ability to be themselves shows others that this school has all kinds of people. It gives our school a better reputation when people see the variety of students we have here." Yamaoka-san nodded her head in agreement and the junior let out a few grumbles and complaints, but seemed to concede. "Is there anything else?" Yamaoka-san pulled out some papers, she had been officially appointed the secretary, no one was really sure why.
"Actually, Yuki-san, we have some policies that we need you to look over and sign. There is also a small pile of paperwork sitting on your desk that you have yet to work on. If you wouldn't mind keeping up with your duties I'd greatly appreciate it." The malice dripping in her voice destroyed any thought of her being polite. She was angry because I had been slacking in my duties and making her job harder. Despite everything in my head telling me just to go home, I found myself finishing up the paperwork. Yamaoka-san practically stood over me as I worked. When I finished everything she snatched it from my hand and shoved it into a folder. "Finally. You've really let this stuff pile up, Yuki-san. If you are going to begin to slack off, you should step down and let someone more committed take the job." I made no come back as she was probably right. Instead I picked up my bag and began the walk home. "Yuki-san? Are you alright?" The change in her voice really shocked my and I was forced to turn around.
"I'm fine, Yamaoka-san. I haven't been able to get much sleep." I gave her a weak smile and left her there. The situation was weird, but I shoved it aside in my mind. This would be the first night that I had to eat dinner with everyone after welcoming back the darkness. Honda-san was a bit more perceptive than I thought. I had to begin to reconstruct my usual wall between my expression and my emotions. I was confident in the wall as I walked into the house. "I'm home." My voice sounded normal to me, so I felt a bit more confident. I took off my shoes and dropped my bag to pick up later. Honda-san came from the kitchen with a smile on her face.
"You're just in time, Yuki-kun. I was just about to put dinner on the table." I smiled and made my way to the table. Shigure was already there with his paper. I never understood why he constantly had that thing. He read it all in the morning, or his morning, but for some reason never seemed to actually read it. Honda-san came in with the food and sat down in her usual spot. Kyo dropped down after trailing in behind her. The two of them locked eyes for a second and the pain hit. As I sat there I had to reinforce the wall so none of them would know. I used the food in front of me as a refuge, something to keep my mind off of my loss. "Yuki-kun, what did you have to do at school?" I looked up at her, trying not to make eye contact. If I had, she would see straight through the wall.
"There was a minor dispute between the council members. Yamaoka-san and another got into a debate about the dress code. The dispute almost came to blows." Kyo grumbled, he had a strong dislike for Yamaoka-san since she treated him much like Uotani-san did. Honda-san began to worry about the almost fight. It felt like old times, but the little voice in my head started up again. Over and over it kept saying that it wasn't like old times. I had lost her and had been left alone again. I did a mental headshake to clear away the voice and pulled myself back out from my inner thoughts. Honda-san was still worrying over the fight, Shigure was smiling at her worry, and Kyo was stuffing food in his mouth. "Honda-san, no one actually fought. Everything is alright." She let out a sigh of relief. "It was just a difference of opinion. Some of the members wanted to crack down on the dress code and Yamaoka-san didn't. It was nothing too hard."
"You were gone so long. Did that take that long?" Shigure asked from his seat. I shrugged my shoulders and returned to my food for a second.
"No, but Yamaoka-san got me to do some paperwork while I was there. It took some time to finish that up." Honda-san nodded her head listening to what I said. Kyo was grumbling more about Yamaoka-san when Shigure interrupted his complaints.
"So quickly do you cheat on our dear Tohru-kun, do you Kyo-kun?" This got him up to his feet. I felt the anger rising up at his sudden release of his temper. He began yelling almost incoherently at the mutt. I let out a sigh.
"Can't you at least use words, stupid cat?" This comment brought the rage to me, exactly what I wanted. He rambled on about me being a damn rat. "Can't you at least come up with more unique insults?" I glared at him. He came at me with his fist. Effortlessly I dodged the punch and countered with one of my own to his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. With that, I stood up and left for my room. The punch was too much for the insults he had given me, at least in the mind of Honda-san, but he had stolen her from me and I wasn't about to let him get away with plunging me back into the darkness. Once I got to my room I locked the door and went straight to the knife under my mattress. The cut on my wrist had already begun to heal. Pulling away the scab with the edge of the knife brought a strange relief. The pain brought me a release from my turmoil and the blood was so beautiful. I had read descriptions of it in books, but nothing prepared me for the sheer beauty of the real thing. It was amazing. Something so beautiful was coming from me. That meant something to me. I was not completely disgusting. Here was something of beauty from me. It was the only thing worthy about me. If I simply ended it all I would save a lot of people grief. Honda-san wouldn't have to worry all the time about me. Kyo would have beaten me and gained his freedom. Shigure wouldn't have to put me up in his house. Haru wouldn't have to worry, either. Hatori wouldn't have to come every time I had an attack. There would be no one causing problems for Yamaoka-san. They would all be better off without me. Without even thinking I brought the knife deeper into my wrist, bringing out more blood. The sight brought back the awe. How could something like that come from me? I began to get a bit worried that someone would come upstairs so I took the washcloth and pressed the cut. Then I wiped the knife off and wrapped it in it. I stared at my wrist for a while before getting ready for bed.
