AN: Just for future reference, any of you that were worried that this was going to end sadly, I'm a sucker for happy endings. In one original story I'm writing, I was planning to kill off my MC's brother, but then ended up liking him so much that I couldn't do it. Then I added in another character for the sole purpose of killing him off (it's a story about a war, so somebody has to die or it's not gonna be believable). Then I thought of all of these things I could do with him, and put him on the 'must live' list. I added in a THIRD character that I planned from the start to kill, but then I realized how perfect he'd be paired up with my second person. If I can't even kill off characters that I design with the sole purpose of death in mind, I would never be able to harm my beloved Iruka-sensei.
Prankster
Chapter 8: Death and Life
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The crowd that had gathered around for Iruka's trial watched in horror as the Elder Susumu hurled a kunai at the Hokage. It seemed too impossible to them to even react; this old man, a respected elder of the village, betraying the village and attacking Tsunade-sama. No one seemed to know how to react, other than to sigh in relief when Iruka blocked the kunai with his shoulder.
The fact that the Elder would have a second kunai and would attempt to finish what he had all ready failed was inconceivable. When it happened, there were three different reactions from the people.
The civilians, small children, and wet-behind-the-ears ninja screamed and froze up.
The second group, comprised of shinobi, emptied out their arsenals on Susumu. The old man gave a strangled cry when the kunai left his hand and fell to the ground. When he was examined later for a mission report, it was discovered that he had been hit with twenty-nine kunai, twelve shuriken and three senbon, and that was just from Ten Ten. Needless to say, with nearly the entire village gathered around, the elder was transformed into a pincushion.
The third reaction came from those ninja that trained themselves in chakra control. It would have been impossible to deflect the kunai Susumu threw with another weapon because of the crowd behind and around Iruka; instead, they hurled their chakra at it to try to deflect it from its course.
In the end, Iruka and Susumu both collapsed amidst the chaos and panic. The elder was dead before he hit the ground. But, although she never found out, the chakra blast that Hyuuga Hinata sent at the kunai had been the only one concentrated enough and precise enough to alter its deadly path; instead of piercing Iruka's heart and killing him instantly, the knife was diverted a fraction of an inch the second before it hit.
So while Susumu died and the villagers spared no more sympathy for him than wishing he didn't have quite so many sharp objects embedded in him when they kicked his corpse (well, Genma did later lament the loss of a perfectly good senbon, since he refused to touch it after it had been in contact with 'that bastard traitor son of a bitch'), Iruka fell unconscious, not dead.
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Tsunade was spattered with blood, a sight that would have petrified her a year before. Now, she ignored it and acted with the speed demanded of the greatest healer in Konoha.
The Fifth Hokage dropped down beside the man who had been her human shield. He was still breathing, but only shallowly, and with painful rattling sounds.
Shizune kneeled on the other side of Iruka's limp body. "How does it look, Hokage-sama?"
"His lung might be punctured, bit his heart is safe. If we work quickly, he'll still have a chance." Tsunade replied. She tore away the shirt that covered the wound and examined it with a trained eye.
All the medic-nins in the village responded immediately. They gathered around Iruka and the Hokage and began pouring their chakra into healing the wound. Sakura kept pressure on the wound to slow the bleeding, and Shizune and Tsunade guided the others along as they knitted up the hole and stabilized Iruka's condition.
A wound like the one Iruka had would have killed a man on the mission field. It was too much for a single medical-nin to handle. It might have even overwhelmed two or three medics. However, with the combined healing powers of every medical nin in Konoha, Iruka's injury was repaired in a matter of minutes.
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Kakashi hurled three kunai at Susumu as he attacked Iruka, and he hoped they hurt the old bastard like hell before he died. As soon as the old man fell, Kakashi forgot about him and ran to where Iruka had fallen. A circle of medics blocked his way.
"You'll have to stay back, Kakashi-san. We need space if we're going to help Iruka-san." One young medic told him. Kakashi wondered if she was aware that he was Sharingan no Kakashi, the Man of a Thousand Jutsu, who could rip her spine completely out of her body if he wanted to, or blast her with a chidori. She wouldn't move though.
"Do you want him to die?" She asked. Of course Kakashi didn't. That's why he had to get over there, had to be beside Iruka, to make sure none of the medics messed anything up and no more dirty old men attacked him!
He couldn't get to Iruka, so he did the only thing he could. The jounin used his ANBU training to identify every possible hiding spot of a second assassin; he searched everywhere, kept an eye on every suspicious character he saw to make sure no one else was going to threaten Iruka. While he was verifying the security of the building tops and trees, he could also see past the crowds to where the medics were working on Iruka.
The civilians pitched in and led the children away from the scene where one dead man and one potentially dying man lay. The shinobi that didn't have any medical expertise either helped with crowd control or started moving Susumu's body away for examination.
Kakashi had checked the area three times. Now that he was absolutely sure the square was safe, now that he had nothing to distract him, he sat down on the street and began to panic. Iruka was going to die, he'd taken a direct hit, why couldn't it have been Kakashi instead of Iruka?
Beneath his hitai-ate, Obito's eye was sobbing, the cry-baby. 'I've failed another loved one,' Kakashi thought. 'I couldn't help my teammates, my sensei, my Hokage, my student, and now I couldn't save my lover.'
"Kakashi."
'I'm one of the strongest jounin in Konoha. Why couldn't I protect them? Why couldn't I protect him?'
"Kakashi!" Hands grabbed his shoulders and shook him roughly, tearing him from his thoughts. The scarecrow looked up and saw a blurry Asuma; somehow, Obito's tears must have gotten into Kakashi's eye. Strange. Kakashi wiped them away.
"They've taken Iruka to the hospital. He's still unconscious, but the Hokage says he should be able to pull through." The gruff jounin told Kakashi.
Kakashi jumped to his feet. "He's going to be okay? We've got to get to the hospital!" The silver-haired jounin took off without another word.
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Although it hadn't seemed possible for the people's love for the Prankster to grow any more, it somehow did. When one of Iruka's students heard Tsunade telling Shizune and Sakura that Iruka was going to need a blood transfusion, every ninja in Konoha went to the hospitals and clinics to donate blood. The nurses and doctors didn't have the heart to tell them that the blood would take a few days to process, so nothing that was donated on the spot could go to Iruka. They ran out of space to store all of the blood donated, but the villagers still came to offer more.
With the efforts of Konoha's healers, Iruka wasn't going to die, but he was still unconscious and would remain that way for a few days while his body recovered from the injury and the energy taken by healing. Only a few special visitors were allowed in to see him (mainly Kakashi, and mainly because he came wielding many sharp weapons that none of the hospital staff doubted he would use if they were to deny him access to his chuunin), but that didn't stop the villagers from sending fruit baskets, balloons, get well cards, prank items, and stuffed dolphin plushies.
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Iruka woke up confused. He wasn't in his own bed, or in Kakashi's. The stiff cot he laid in screamed 'hospital', as did the antiseptic smell and the logic of Iruka's muddled thoughts. The place didn't look like a hospital, however. It looked like some sort of toy shop. Iruka was surrounded by stuffed animals and balloons. The walls were covered with brightly colored construction paper cards.
Iruka located several rubber chickens and a whoopee-cushion in the jumble, which was even more confusing. What the hell kind of hospital was this? He took a kunai for the Hokage and this joke-shop was the kind of treatment he got? Maybe he'd been dosed up with some sort of drug and this was just a hallucination…
Well, if it was, it was a very welcome one, because Kakashi came striding through the door with arms full of more get-well gifts. The copy nin dropped them when he saw that Iruka was awake and dove on Iruka.
"Ahh, Kakashi… kunai!" Iruka gasped.
"That's not my kunai. I'm just happy to see you!" Kakashi said, pulling down his mask and licking Iruka's ear.
"Not yours! The kunai hole in my chest! Get off of it!"
Kakashi jumped back quickly, giving Iruka a sheepish grin. "Sorry." He said, pushing a pile of plushies off the chair beside Iruka's bed and sitting down.
"What is all this stuff?" Iruka asked, gesturing to the gaudy cards and balloons and presents.
"Get well presents from the villagers. They've been worried about you." Kakashi told him. Although he was now treating Iruka as if he might break at any second, Kakashi couldn't keep his hands off of the sensei. He brushed his fingers gently along Iruka's face and wound them through his hair, as if he needed to feel Iruka to assure the other man was really still there.
"And what about you?" Iruka asked.
"I might have been a little worried." Kakashi admitted.
"A little?" Tsunade asked incredulously as she walked in the door. "He came in here sobbing, and he threatened seven different old men just for walking by your door."
"I wasn't sobbing! Maybe Obito was, but he always was a cry-baby. And those men could have been spies. It's my job to protect Iruka." Kakashi retorted. Iruka just shook his head and smiled at the thought of Kakashi worrying over him so much. It was rather endearing…
"Four of them were in walkers, Kakashi!" Tsunade pointed out.
…or just a little bit creepy.
The Hokage turned to her patient. "How are you feeling, Iruka-kun?" She asked, eyes full of concern.
"Fine, I guess. A little sore, can't move too much without hurting. I'd like a shower; I feel rancid." Iruka confessed.
"Kakashi, go have one of the nurses get a sponge bath ready for Iruka. Don't complain, Iruka! I don't want you standing up yet, you could give yourself internal bleeding."
At the Hokage's orders, Kakashi went out to procure a sponge bath for Iruka. Tsunade sat down on the edge of Iruka's bed.
"You didn't have to protect me, you know." She said.
"I know, Hokage-sama. It was an honor to be able to risk my life for you." He replied.
"Well, don't be doing anything stupid like that again, kid! I'm not made out of glass! I could survive an attack like that better than you could. I've got chakra built up in my body just for cases like that."
"Yes, Hokage-sama." Iruka replied again.
"I mean it, Iruka! I don't want you throwing away your life unnecessarily. Understood?"
"Yes, Hokage-sama."
Tsunade leaned forward and planted a tiny kiss on Iruka's forehead.
"Thank you for saving me, Iruka." She whispered.
"You're welcome, Tsunade-sama." He told her, smiling. Tsunade checked him over quickly, declared that he was healing up nicely, and left the room.
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Kakashi passed eight nurses in the Konoha hospital before he found one that he would even consider trusting Iruka to. Some of them were scary old ladies; others were handsome young men who were probably jumping for a chance to get their hands up his Iruka's hospital gown. 'There's not a chance in hell I'm gonna let them near Iruka!' Kakashi thought.
He rejected a middle-aged man nurse with wiggly eye brows and a mustache that looked like a large caterpillar, just because he was too disturbing.
The nurse Kakashi finally settled on was a young woman who sat behind the check-in desk reading a novel. Iruka wasn't attracted to women, so Kakashi didn't need to worry about that, and this one looked sane at least.
"Tsunade-sama needs someone to give Iruka a sponge bath." Kakashi told her.
"OMG! I'll be up there in a flash!" The girl responded eagerly. She tossed her book down and began filling up a bowl, squealing all the while.
The girl had responded much too eagerly for Kakashi's liking. As soon as she had everything needed for the bath gathered together on a little cart, he tied her up and placed her in a storage closet.
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"I thought Tsunade-sama asked a nurse to do that." Iruka said when Kakashi walked into the room with a bowl and a sponge.
"You're not the only patient at this hospital, 'Ruka. The nurse got a little tied up, so I offered to give you your bath. This is much better for security, too." Kakashi pointed out, speaking more literally than Iruka knew.
"What, you think the sponge-bath nurse is a spy or something?" Iruka asked and rolled his eyes.
"There is still a spy in the village, Iruka." Kakashi responded, dead serious. "Susumu's subordinates came to the Hokage and confessed everything the bastard was doing after he was killed. They said there's a second agent in the village that was helping pass on information to Sound, but they don't know who it is. This agent could still be after you."
"That's right! There was a second man in the alley! I need to talk to the Hokage or Ibiki-san right away, Kakashi!" Iruka shouted. He tried to jump up out of his cot, but Kakashi pushed him back down.
"I'll get someone to come after your bath." Kakashi said, picking up the sponge and pulling the hospital sheets that covered Iruka down.
"This is important, Kakashi!" Iruka yelled, swatting the jounin away.
"Fine." Kakashi snorted. "But as soon as this is over, I get to give you your bath."
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"No, no, his nose isn't that big. And you've got the eyes all wrong." Iruka told the ninja who was trying to sketch the second agent. The artist looked at Ibiki, who shrugged. He flipped to a new page of his sketchpad and began again.
"This isn't working." Iruka mumbled. What a stupid way of trying to find a ninja. It seemed like there should be an easier way of doing this, something involving chakra. He was a ninja, after all; why was he doing this the civilian way?
"Do either of you have a camera?" He asked them, getting an idea. They shook their heads. Iruka gave Kakashi a questioning stare. The copy nin grunted, but he hopped out the window and returned a minute later with a disposable camera in hand.
"This is what he looks like." Iruka said. He henged himself into a perfect replica of the shinobi known as Crow, the second Sound agent. Kakashi snapped a few pictures and tossed the camera to Ibiki.
"Why didn't I ever think of that?" Ibiki asked out loud. Maybe it was true what they said about chuunin making the village work with their common sense.
"Leave now." Kakashi ordered the interrogator and the artist, not caring that Ibiki outranked him. "It's Iruka-kun's bath time!"
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Crow would have fled Konoha as soon as Susumu was killed, but he had been surrounded by the ANBU squad that was rushing to secure the area. After that, he was called into the office for a mission. If he had refused, he would have raised suspicion. He had no choice but to accept it. The double agent had been out of the village for two days, but hadn't been able to slip away from the other Konoha ninja and escape.
There was always hope that the Prankster wouldn't recover, or that he hadn't seen Crow clearly enough through the shadows of the alleyway to be able to identify him. Crow wasn't a very hopeful shinobi, though, and that had kept him alive for a long time.
For the first time since the trail, Crow had the chance to escape the village; it was ironic that it happened at the same time rumors were spreading that Umino Iruka had woken up.
If that were the case, Crow would have to hurry. He shoved his belongings into a backpack and pulled his sandals onto his feet. Before he could slip out of the window, though, a knock came at his door.
'Shit!' Crow thought. That chakra signal was ANBU, and by the time they knocked, they already had the entire premise surrounded. Sure enough, there was a plaster-masked wolf face an inch away from his own as he looked back through the window. Crow dropped his pack and put his hands in the air.
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"It's bath time!" Kakashi shouted as he ripped the sheets off of Iruka and began tugging at his hospital robe ("no back," he pointed out. "How convenient!")
"Wait! Shouldn't someone certified be doing this?" Iruka asked desperately, although Kakashi ignored his protests and started washing his left arm.
"Nope. I told you, the staff is tied up." Kakashi said. Well, that was only partially true. Only half of the staff was really tied up, because he didn't want the other patients not to have anyone to take care of them. He'd only bound and gagged the ones who didn't look busy, and threatened those that had other things to do with eminent death should they interrupt.
"I guess this isn't so bad." Iruka admitted a few minutes later. Kakashi was washing him tenderly and acting appropriately for a public place, and Iruka felt much better now that he was cleaner.
"I told you. You just need to relax." Kakashi worked his way down Iruka's body, but kept his washing innocent.
"Mmhmm." Iruka sighed. Kakashi finished washing him and traded the sponge for a washcloth. He massaged Iruka's body with the warm cloth. The chuunin's body went lax and he smiled lazily at Kakashi.
Iruka had his eyes shut; otherwise, he would have seen the mischievous smirk on his lover's face. He once again headed down Iruka's body with the cloth. The sensei was completely off guard because of Kakashi's previous good behavior. That said, when Kakashi caught him in a very inappropriate-for-public-places hold, Iruka gasped in surprise.
"I've missed you." He told his chuunin. Kakashi hopped on the hospital cot and curled up beside Iruka, still not releasing his grip on the washcloth or what was underneath the washcloth. He was very glad he'd seen underneath the underneath of this man.
"I missed you too." Iruka whispered to him. He still couldn't move much without splitting pain in his chest, but as soon as he could, they'd be showing each other exactly how much they'd missed each other.
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Well, that's it for the actual story part of Prankster! bows to audience
I hope you liked it. There should be an epilogue that doesn't have much to do with the story, but will serve as practice for my smut-writing. Thank you so much to all my readers!
