Renji slid the office door closed behind them, the footstool tucked under one arm, and walked Rukia back out to the main corridor.

"You're right, he seems nervous," he said. "For him."

"I think this helped," Rukia decided. She had no idea what it was like to be Byakuya, what even went on under those pointy kenseiken. It's possible that he really was a preternaturally calm and serene man, and that the ripples of emotion that occasionally made it to the surface were the full extent of his inner turmoil. Rukia kinda doubted it, though.

"If he's like me," Renji declared, "the anticipation is the worst part. As soon as the old guy gets here, he'll move into perpetual crisis containment mode, which is much better, although it can wear you out if you stay there too long. We should try to figure out a way to get him a break at some point, too."

Rukia jerked her chin at him. "How did you do that, by the way? Trick him into giving us Friday night off?"

"I didn't trick him! He said to me 'I regret that this will take up so much of Rukia's time,' and I said 'Maybe you should pencil in a night off for her' and he said 'Excellent idea, Abarai!' and I said, 'How 'bout Friday, sir? I'll plan something nice,' not mentionin' that we had already planned it, and he said 'Good man, thank you, Lieutenant.'"

"Amazing," Rukia shook her head.

"I told you I had it taken care of."

Rukia regarded his cute, smug face. He thought she was impressed with his ability to wrangle the night off, but to be honest, it was watching him and Byakuya do… their Renji-and-Byakuya thing… that made her feel like she couldn't have picked a better best friend. She had never seen two men look at a picture of a cute dog with such solemnity. She loved both of them so much it made her want to explode.

"Speaking of plans," she snapped before she fell too deep into her feelings, "it's Tuesday, right?"

"It is Tuesday, this is true."

"Tuesday is the day you drink with Squad Eleven, right?"

Renji's eyes rolled upwards into his classic "thinky" expression. "I do sometimes drink with Squad Eleven on Tuesdays. It's not because I like to drink with Squad Eleven, it's because the nerd squad doesn't like to go drinking on Tuesdays, so if I wanna get drunk, it's either Squad Eleven or drink alone like a sad person."

"You could call me! That was fun getting drunk on the hill the other week!"

"That was fun," Renji agreed.

"Anyway, can I go with you?"

Renji stared at her. "Go with me?"

"Grandfather is getting here tomorrow and I'm… I am ready for it, but I would really just like to go get smashed with some morons. I promise I will not start any fights and I will not get so drunk that I'm hungover tomorrow. I'll even buy you bar snacks."

"You just bought me noodles!"

"You'll be hungry again in two hours. And the noodles were for helping me and Byakuya with family stuff. The bar snacks are for letting me slum it with you."

A pained look came over Renji's face. "First of all, I wish Squad Eleven bars had snacks. No, I don't, I'm sure they would be terrible. Let me start again. Rukia, I would love to take you to a Squad Eleven bar tonight, but I'm not going. I got… something else."

"Oh," Rukia replied. Of course it made sense that Renji had things. He was an adult with responsibilities and a million friends and just because he always seemed to make time for her didn't mean his life needed to revolve around her. Rukia decided that she would simply be gracious and understanding. "What?" she demanded.

"What... am I doing?" Renji asked, eyes going wide, like a cornered animal.

"Yes. What are you doing?" Rukia leaned forward. "Or is it a secret?"

"It's not… a secret," Renji waffled.

"Is it embarrassing?"

"Yes, it's somewhat embarrassing."

"Then you absolutely have to tell me what it is. Are you getting your eyebrows sharpened? Meeting of the Bandana Enthusiasts Club? Support Group for the Embarrassingly Tall?"

Renji rubbed at one eye with the heel of his hand. "Why are you like this?"

"To discourage you from keeping secrets from me."

Renji huffed out a sigh. "Okay, fine. I conned Akon into agreeing to go to your party in place of Captain Kurotsuchi, and in return, I have to…" he mumbled something unintelligible.

"I didn't catch that," Rukia sang.

"I agreed to go play on Squad Twelve's pub trivia team because they need a sports guy!" Renji explained exasperatedly.

Rukia stared at him. How was this man real?

Renji threw up his arms. "What? You said you wanted to know!"

Rukia couldn't keep from grinning. "You did that for me?" she asked in a sugary voice. "Awwww! That's so sweeeeeet!"

"Shut up!" Renji replied, throwing a half-hearted punch that she could have dodged in her sleep. "I am doing it for all of us. That dude is a creep. Plus, Akon's your buddy, I figured you'd like it if he came."

"Where is it?"

"Where is… pub trivia?"

"Yeah."

Renji looked deeply embarrassed. "Y'ever been to Kireji? It's an izakaya over between the Eighth and the Ninth? It's kinda… literary… themed?"

Rukia cocked an eyebrow at him. "Literary-themed?"

Renji gave her a long-suffering look. "It's close to Shuuhei's office and Momo likes it, okay? At least the food is good."

"What time? And they do have booze, right?"

"Rukia."

"I'm coming," Rukia declared without waiting for an answer. "I wish to see you decimate your enemies with your great knowledge of sports trivia."

"Look, joke's on Akon, I never actually promised to be useful."

Rukia decided to resort to a tactic she had never actually used on Renji before. She blinked a few times to make her eyes shiny, and then tipped her face up toward him. "Renji, pleeeeeease? I just want to hang out with you and get mildly toasted. This week is going to be so painful, just let me come, please please please-"

Renji's hands clapped down on her shoulders. "Stop that, it's weird! You can come! I never said you couldn't come! I just figured that literally anything would be a better use of your time."

"Oh! So that worked!"

"It didn't work. I just didn't care. Please never do that again."

Rukia winked at him saucily. "It definitely worked."


"So how does pub trivia work?" Rukia pestered Renji as he pushed through the curtains of the izakaya.

"As far as I know, we sit at a table with a bunch of Squad Twelve nerds and Akon tells me when he needs me to do something. I assume we're allowed to drink, otherwise I am leaving immediately. I have not forgotten that you promised to buy me snacks."

"You cook for me constantly, of course I'll buy you some dumb bar snacks. You're such a cheap date."

"Lemme know if you see Akon. Why is this place so crowded? Is this actually a popular…" Renji trailed off. "What the junk?"

"What? What?" Rukia craned her head, but Renji was already weaving between tables. She scampered to keep up with him.

"I thought!" Renji announced, "that Tuesday was the day the Bulletin went to print, and you needed a restful evening afterwards!"

"Renji!"

"It's… Renji!"

"Oh, hi, Renji!"

Rukia finally caught up to Renji and peered past his broad back. Lieutenants Kira, Hinamori, and Hisagi, sitting at a table together, all appeared to be trying to shrink into their own kosodes. Lieutenants Ise and Kotetsu were there, too. Nanao appeared to be engrossed in filling out a paper form. Isane just looked terrified.

"And you!" Renji glowered at Momo. "I thought your community theater group met on Tuesdays!"

Momo's eyes slid to the side guiltily. "It… got changed?"

Renji put his hands on his hips. "And Izuru! Don't you read poetry to children at the library on Tuesday evenings?"

Izuru made a noncommittal noise.

"You believed that?" Rukia asked, incredulous. "What kind of children go to the library at nine pm?"

Renji ignored her.

"Good evening, Lieutenant Ise," he added politely, "Lieutenant Kotetsu."

"Good evening, Lieutenant Abarai, Lieutenant Kuchiki," Nanao replied without looking up.

Isane gave them the world's tiniest wave.

"It was a last minute thing," Momo excused. "We had… um… a work thing… and then we just decided to come get drinks."

"We would have called you, but don't you hang out with Ikkaku and Yumichika on Tuesdays?" Shuuhei tapped his chin, trying to look perplexed, as though Renji were the one on trial here.

"What I want to know," Izuru sat up a little straighter, "Is what you two are doing in a poetry-themed bar on a weeknight? Did you lose a bet?"

"Basically, yes!" Renji retorted.

"Oi! Abarai! We're over here!" Akon's voice rang out over the bar noise.

Renji's head turned, and he waved a big hand. "I see you! We'll be right over!"

Akon shot him a thumb's up and sat back down again.

What little color it possessed drained from Izuru's face. "Wait. You're here for-"

"Trivia night, you filthy liars," Renji replied.

"You aren't even good liars," Rukia put in. She didn't have a dog in this fight, but backing up Renji just felt good and right.

"Horrible liars!" Renji continued. "I can't believe I'm friends with such bad liars!"

Nanao looked up and adjusted her glasses. "You got recruited by the Squad Twelve team?" she asked, her voice steely.

"Recruited is a little strong, I'm just sitting in because I owed Akon a favor."

"This is a problem," Nanao announced to her table.

"Squad Twelve is a bunch of pushovers," Momo shrugged.

"Squad Twelve is incredibly strong, but they score poorly because they lack coverage in key areas," Nanao replied. She narrowed her eyes at Renji. "Like sports." Her eyes swiveled down to Rukia. "And the nobility."

"I'm not playing, I'm just here to drink and laugh at Renji," Rukia put in.

"Oh, ho ho!" Renji sneered. "You ditched your dumb pal Renji because you didn't think I'd be any good at your smart people game! Well, who's the dumb pal now?"

"That didn't even make sense," Izuru pointed out.

"We just didn't think you would like it, but you would want to come anyway out of friendship," Momo tried to excuse.

"Also, you'd rather argue a lot than admit you're wrong. And you're wrong a lot," Shuuhei put in. "Ow!" From the look on her face, Momo had stomped on his foot.

Renji held up his hands. "I see how it is! I will just be over there with my real friends from Squad Twelve-"

"And Rukia!" Rukia put in.

"-and Rukia, eating bar snacks while they kick your butts for me. What's good here?"

"Tebasaki," Nanao put in.

"Thank you!" Renji turned on his heel and began stomping over to the Squad Twelve table.

"Squad Twelve is not actually your friends!" Izuru called at Renji's retreating back. "They probably just want to vivisect you!"

"Hey!" Rukia hissed to Renji, double stepping to keep up with him. "Are you okay?"

"Am I… what?" Renji looked down at her, confused.

"I mean… back there… are you upset?"

Renji stared at her uncomprehendingly for a second, before his face split into a huge grin and he crushed his knuckles into the top of her head. "Are you worried? About my feelings?"

"Owowow!" Rukia howled, trying to duck out from under his fist. "Not anymore, you awful goon!"

"Those dummies actually went to the trouble of lying to my face, because they thought my feelings would be hurt that they didn't want me to Renji-up their nerd activity. I'm honestly kinda touched."

"I would never lie to you to make you feel better," Rukia grumbled, trying to smooth her hair back into place.

"Stop fishing for compliments, you already know you're my favorite," Renji returned.

"Why'd you give them such a hard time, then?"

"Oh, because now they'll spend all evening stewing over what bad friends they are and we have a better chance of beating them."

"I thought you didn't care about trivia."

"I mean, I don't, but if you're gonna do something, might as well crush your friends and enemies at it, right? Akon! Lieutenant Abarai of the Sixth, reporting for duty!"

"Glad you could make it," Akon nodded tersely. He was bent over a similar sheet of paper to the one Nanao had. "Kuchiki. Didn't know you were coming." He eyed Renji warily. "I hope this doesn't mean I owe you some bonus favor."

"I'm not playing," Rukia explained. "I am just here to support my friend in his crummy endeavors."

"Aw, that's sweet," Renji commented. "It's a lie, though, she's here for sake and wings."

"That felt gross, lying for the sake of your feelings. I am definitely never doing it again."

"If she's sitting at our table, I have to write her on the player list," Akon explained. "Might as well pipe up if you know any answers, Kuchiki."

"Does that mean someone else has to leave?" Rukia asked hesitantly.

"Oh, no, we're allowed up to four additional team members, but if you attend more than three times, we have to add you to the permanent roster, which means that-"

"We don't care," Renji cut him off, sitting down and hauling Rukia into the seat next to him.

Across the table, Tsubokora Rin gave a cheerful wave. Tsubokora was friends with Hanatarou and although he was shy, he was a sweetie once he warmed up. Nemu regarded them with her usual blank expression. Next to Nemu was an extremely large, bug-eyed man who vaguely resembled a toad, and to his right, a small woman in glasses who looked vaguely familiar. She wore her hair in pigtails that appeared to be attached to her head by lengths of chain. It was... a look.

"Nemu, Tsubokura, you already know Abarai and Kuchiki," Akon waved vaguely at his squadmates. "Hiyosu, Kuna, this is Abarai and Kuchiki."

"I cataloged the gigai Urahara Kisuke made for you," the frog-like man, Hiyosu, informed Rukia in the creepiest way possible. "It was exquisite."

"Um. Thanks. I guess," Rukia frowned.

"Oh, you must be Mashiro's little sister!" Renji said to the girl with the pigtails. He appeared to be trying to remember her given name. "Nana?" he finally guessed. Rukia had not known that Mashiro had a sister, but once it was pointed out, the sibling resemblance was obvious.

"Niko," she corrected. "Kuna will do."

"Did Inaba ditch us again?" Akon asked, looking around the table and scratching at the base of his horns with his pen.

"He said he was in the middle of something at work," Kuna replied. "He only ever knows questions about the Dangai anyway."

"Are there… a lot of questions about the Dangai?" Rukia asked.

"No," Akon replied. "Almost none." He regarded them. "If you guys work out…and want a permanent slot on the roster…?"

"Not a chance," Rukia replied.

"You do realize that I am an actual idiot, right?" Renji pointed out.

Akon snorted. "You always say that, Abarai." He stood up. "I'm gonna go turn this in and get some sake. Everyone's drinking?"

"Yes!" Rukia and Renji chorused very loudly.

"Get some tebasaki, too!" Rukia demanded. "I'm paying! Kuchiki money worth of tebasaki!"

"You know," Rin reassured Renji after Akon had departed. "Trivia isn't actually about being smart, it's about knowing stuff. I have scored a lot of points based on my knowledge of Living World candy."

"Akon says you are knowledgeable in the field of sporting competitions," Nemu added. "Our accuracy at answering sports-based questions is roughly 9%. Any assistance you can give will improve our chances of an overall victory significantly."

"Nice to see you out and about, Kurotsuchi," Renji said pleasantly, grabbing a handful of rice crackers from the bowl in the middle of the table. "Wouldn't've guessed you were a fan of this kinda stuff."

Rukia watched fondly as Renji stuffed rice crackers into his face. One of her favorite parts of going out with Renji was watching him buddy up to absolutely anyone.

"I enjoy spending time with my colleagues in a relaxed and casual setting," Nemu replied in an utterly unconvincing manner. "Speaking of which, thank you, Lieutenant Kuchiki, for inviting me to your gala. I have never been to such an event before and I am looking forward to it."

Rukia blinked, surprised. "You're very welcome," she replied, trying to sound as open and friendly as Renji always did. "I'm glad you'll be able to make it."

"Unfortunately, my father did not feel like it was a proper use of his very important time, but he was very generous to allow me to attend, and I am sure Akon will be an appropriate escort."

"Ooh, you're going to Rukia's party, Nemu?" Rin asked eagerly. "Rikichi and Hanatarou are going, too, they're very excited about it. Do you have a formal kimono?"

Nemu blinked. "I was informed that I could wear my uniform. Would that be all right, Lieutenant Kuchiki?"

"Er…" Rukia hemmed. "I mean, normally, yes. You usually wear a sort of a modified version… Do you own the traditional kind? With the hakama?"

"Captain Kuchiki has a thing about knees," Renji butted in. "He doesn't believe they belong in polite company."

"How strange!" Nemu commented. "We all have them."

"I would give anything to see you try that argument with him," Renji replied, completely deadfaced.

"Aw, c'mon!" Rin urged. "You should take the opportunity to dress up fancy! I bet Akon will look nice! Kuna and I will take you shopping!"

"We will?" Kuna frowned.

"Isn't Mashiro going, too?" Rin asked. "She's a lieutenant."

"Probably," Kuna replied, "but who knows what she'll show up wearing."

Akon returned with two large bottles of sake and a stack of cups. "Put in your order for one butt-load of chicken," he nodded to Rukia. "Are you sure you don't want to join the team permanently?"

"I'm kind of an idiot, too," Rukia admitted.

"Akon, what are you wearing to Rukia's party?" Rin whined.

Akon looked deeply confused. "My formalwear?"

"Wait, you own formalwear?" Renji sputtered.

"Don't you?"

"Well, I do now- crap, I forgot, I have to go pick it up, I don't even know where I'm going."

"I'll text you the address," Rukia poked him.

"Nemu wants to wear her uniform," Rin added.

"Aw, Nemu, don't do that. This is a good chance to express yourself." He said it with special emphasis, like this was some self-improvement project they were working on.

"Ah!" Nemu replied. "All right. Tsubokora and Kuna have offered to take me shopping. Will you come as well?"

"I did not offer," Kuna protested. "No one offered anything."

Akon narrowed his eyes at Renji. "You said there's good booze at these things?"

"Really good," Rukia nodded. "And if you want, I can probably sneak you back into the greenhouse where Byakuya keeps all his weird, mutant orchids."

Akon's eyes went wide. "No way! The saprophytic ones? I read his article in the Botanical Digest! Your brother sure loves his purple prose, but the pictures were gnarly. It's a deal. We'll go shopping, Nemu."

Rukia felt a kick at her ankle. "You said you weren't gonna sneak off," Renji hissed in her ear.

"Oh, I forgot. It'll just be for a few minutes. Or maybe I'll get Byakuya to do it. He loves to talk about those ugly things and he could probably stand a break from his own party." Oddly enough, she could see Byakuya and Akon hitting it off.

"Attention, everyone!" a nasally voice announced. Rukia craned her neck. It looked like the awful Third Seat from the Fourth was standing at a microphone on a little stage that looked like it was probably normally used for poetry readings. "Welcome to the sixth round of Season Twelve of the All-Seireitei Pub Trivia League! All the teams have signed in and it is nine p.m.! Team captains may now open up their questionnaires! Round one has begun!"

Akon pulled a folded packet out of his kosode and broke the seal on it. His eyes skimmed the first question. "Here we go. Right off the bat, a sports one. Time to earn your keep, Abarai: 'In competition archery, why must the haya be fired before the otoya?'"

Renji stared back blankly. "How is this sports?"

"Archery is a sport."

"The haya and otoya are distinguished by the direction of their fletching," Nemu supplied. "The haya spins in a clockwise direction, the otoya, anticlockwise."

"Everyone knows that," Akon waved a hand. "But why does the clockwise one go first?"

"Everyone does not know that," Rin mouthed.

Rukia glanced around the table. She sucked her teeth. "You don't know?" she hissed to Renji.

"I've never shot an arrow in my life," he hissed back. "Should I know?"

Rukia cleared her throat. "It's etiquette."

Akon's eye peered over the top of the sheet of paper.

"The fletching is shinier on one side. A properly nocked haya will have its shiny side facing the right side of the dojo, where the sensei or the judges would be, whereas the otoya is shiny-side left, and it's just considered polite to shoot the prettier arrow first."

"Seriously?" Akon asked, his brow furrowed and pen poised.

"Yeah," Rukia shrugged.

"You pick that up from Ishida?" Renji poked her in the side.

"No, he doesn't use physical arrows," Rukia reminded him. She paused, but only for a moment. "I shoot."

Renji stared at her. "You do?"

Rukia made a vague hand gesture. "It's considered a good martial art for noblewomen." She was terrible at it, actually, absolute balls. Byakuya had let her stop taking lessons after she managed to launch an arrow backwards out of her bow, while he watched, no less. It probably would have taken out his eye if he hadn't caught it, in peak Byakuya fashion. "You should come over, sometime," she informed Renji grandiosely. "I'll teach you how."

"Sounds like fun," Renji grinned.

"Thank you, Kuchiki," Akon said, finishing up his writing. "Next question! Oh, for crying out loud! 'What unique form of locomotion is used by the Dangai cleaner?'"

"It's okay, we've had this one before!" Kuna piped up. "It has a magneto-spiritual induction drive that's powered by the restrictive current itself."

"I don't care if we've had it before," Akon grumbled. "Inaba is good for one thing and he's not even here. Nemu, you should yell at him."

"It is an overreach to discipline a subordinate for failing to attend a leisure event," Nemu pointed out.

Rukia and Renji looked at one another.

"I would make him do push-ups," Renji announced. "Hundred should do it."

Akon made a face. "Abarai, he would die. This is Squad Twelve, scale it back a bit."

"I would lie," Rukia put in. "I would tell him that we didn't know the answer, so we wrote that it runs around on thousands of tiny feet."

"That's even worse, and we are definitely doing that," Akon declared.

"He's going to lose his mind," Kuna agreed. "It will be hilarious."

"I love the idea of the Dangai cleaner running around on tiny feet!" Rin squealed. "I'm gonna make a little model. It'll be so cute!"

"Do it, he'll lose it," Akon chuckled. "Arright, arright, here's one for Rin: 'Which is the following is not a real flavor of the popular Living World snack, Pocky: chocolate banana (that's one flavor), whiskey, tomato, grape, pumpkin or cantaloupe?'"

"Hmm," Rin tapped his chin. "I think it's pumpkin. I've had all the others, except for whiskey, and I seem to remember reading an article about that one."

Rukia shook her head. "No, pumpkin is real. It's my friend Orihime's favorite."

"Oh. Hmm. It must be whiskey, then, but I could have sworn…"

"Tomato. Tomato is the fake one," Renji declared.

"Uh-uh," Rin protested. "I had it."

Renji shook his head. "What you had was Pretz, which is made by the same company, but it's a separate product line. Pocky has a coating, but Pretz doesn't. I did not work as an unpaid stock boy in your old captain's shady candy store for six weeks without picking up a thing or two."

"I forgot you did that," Rukia giggled. She wondered if Urahara had made him wear a little apron. She was very fond of Renji in an apron.

"Oh, right, Pretz!" Rin nodded eagerly. "You're right! That one was tricky!"

"Don't get me wrong," Kuna said, resting her hand on a cheek, "I am not advocating for more questions about the Dangai, but why are there so many questions about Living World candy at this thing?"

Akon shrugged. "Beats me."

Neither Rukia nor Renji had any clue about the next question, which regarded some allegedly famous Seireitei landmark that had been set on fire two hundred years ago. Both Akon and Hiyosu knew that one, probably because they were both closet arsonists. The one after that was about a species of fish that was purported to be able to swim between dimensions, all the Squad Twelvers knew that one. The tebasaki arrived after that and Rukia enjoyed watching other people know things while she ate delicious chicken wings. There were three rounds, each of which ran very similarly. Squad Twelve went absolutely bonkers when Renji knew the top scorer on the Seireitei Firebirds three seasons ago. Rukia knew the answer too, it wasn't even a hard one, but she kept her mouth shut and let Renji have his glory. Actually, as it happened, Renji knew quite a few answers: two literature ones, a three-part history question about a silk embargo ("I learned that from the lecture I went to at the library with your brother!") and oddly enough, one about the theorem used to estimate the time difference between two adjacent planes of existence (he claimed he remembered it from school). One or another of the Squad Twelvers also knew the answer to all of these, but Rukia found it very charming to watch Renji disprove his own claims to idiocy.

Rukia herself was pleased to provide the answers to one about seasonal kimono motifs and another about Captain Kyouraku's horrible romance novel, which she and the Third Seats had read together out of solidarity when her captain was slogging his way through it. Nemu had read it also, as it turned out, but had gotten lost in some of the frothier metaphors. Between the two of them, she was pretty sure they'd figured it out.

The evening went surprisingly quickly. On the breaks between rounds, Akon found a bunch of spare score sheets and they made paper airplanes to throw at Nanao's table. The wings were good and so was the sake, and if Renji minded that Rukia had scooched close enough to him for the outside of their thighs to press together comfortably, he didn't say anything.

"Okay," said Akon, tapping the last paper packet against the table. "We're down ten points overall, but this final round is worth 150 points. Prepare yourselves, nerds. We can do this."

"Thank goodness, it's almost over," Renji sighed, slamming back the rest of his drink.

"This hasn't been so bad," Rukia hissed to him.

Renji looked at her curiously.

"The wings are really good!" she excused, and Renji's eyes softened in amusement.

Akon unsealed the last question. "List all current Gotei captains from tallest to shortest! Ten points for each correct answer and a bonus 20 for getting them all."

"Score!" Kuna crowed.

"It's in the bag," Hiyosu burbled.

Rukia knew a lot of captains, and she wasn't even sure she could list them in height order. She was pretty solid on the extremes, but the middle section felt a little murky. She glanced over at Renji, who shrugged.

Akon cleared his throat and poised his pen. "Go ahead, Nemu."

"Captain Komamura, 288cm," Nemu began reciting. "Captain Zaraki, 202cm. Captain Kyouraku, 192cm. Captain Ukitake 187cm. Captain- oh, no."

Every member of Squad Twelve went stiff. Even Renji, who was refilling Rukia's sake cup, froze on instinct.

"What's wrong, Nemu?" Akon asked.

"I have neglected to add the personal statistics of the new Vizard captains to my rapid access memory," Nemu explained in as close to a panic as Rukia had ever seen the woman. "I realized that Captain Aizen would be next, at 186cm, but he is no longer a captain."

Akon cursed.

"Oh, it's not fair!" Rin wailed. "All three of their lieutenants are on Ise's team!"

"They probably don't know all the others though," Rukia said, rubbing her chin. "And it's only three of them. We can figure this out." She thought for a moment. "Captain Outoribashi is the tallest of the three. Renji, is he taller than you?"

"No," Renji declared. "He's a little bit shorter. Not a lot."

"Lieutenant Abarai is 188cm," Nemu supplied, in a way that was only a little bit creepy. "Captain Ukitake is slightly shorter at 187cm. Captain Kuchiki is the next shortest after that, at 180cm."

"Captain Outoribashi is definitely taller than Captain Kuchiki," Renji declared. "I don't know if he's taller than Captain Ukitake. Rukia?"

Rukia shook her head. "I've never seen them stand next to each other."

Renji snapped his fingers. "I have! At your lieutenant's exam! Darn, they're really close. The… the same, maybe? I feel like maybe Outoribashi has bigger hair?"

"I'm 187cm," Akon offered.

"So is Captain Outoribashi taller or shorter than you?"

"How should I know? I don't pay attention to stuff like that."

"Akon!"

"There's only one centimeter between Abarai and Ukitake," Akon pointed out. "187cm is a good height. I'm gonna put them down as a tie. So… that's one of the three."

"Shinji is taller than Ichigo," Rukia remembered suddenly.

"Kurosaki Ichigo is 174cm," Nemu recited, "the same as Captain Kurotsuchi. The next tallest captain is, once again, Captain Kuchiki."

Rukia clenched her fist. "Thank you, Brother, for being a very convenient reference height!"

"But who's taller?" Hiyosu pressed.

"My brother, I think," Rukia frowned. "Maybe. I'm not sure."

"Wait," Renji held up his hand. "Captain Muguruma is taller than Captain Hirako, right?"

"Seems… like it?" Akon tapped his pen against the edge of the table.

"Because Hisagi is 181cm, I know that!" Renji wagged his finger. "He's just a teeny bit taller than Captain Kuchiki! And I think- I'm pretty sure-that Hisagi is taller than Captain Muguruma."

"He is!" Kuna agreed. "Mashiro told me that. Apparently Captain Muguruma keeps trying to make it up in hair gel. She thinks it's hilarious."

"But who's taller, Muguruma or Kuchiki?" Akon asked. "Or is it another tie?"

"My brother is taller," Rukia proclaimed.

Akon narrowed his eyes at her, and then looked over at Renji. "Abarai? Do you concur?"

Renji sucked his teeth. "Captain Kuchiki is taller."

"You're sure?"

"I walk around with the guy every day, I know how tall my captain is!" Renji poked Rukia in the arm with his cup. "Fill me up, Kuchiki, I'm empty."

He was lying, Rukia knew it. Renji always got very interested in any kind of prop he could pull from his physical surroundings right after he told a fib.

"In that case, the middle of the pack goes Outoribashi-Ukitake tie, Kuchiki, Muguruma, Hirako, Kurotsuchi. Any objections?"

Squad Twelve looked at each other.

"These interpolations seem reasonable based on the available data," Nemu agreed. "I apologize profusely for my failure."

"Aw, no, Nemu, don't feel bad!" Rin patted her on the arm.

"You can always memorize the real numbers when you get home," Hiyosu added.

"There's no way we would have gotten 'em all without you!" Renji jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "Those jerks over there have no idea how tall anyone is. I bet they haven't even decided whether Komamura or Zaraki is taller."

Rukia started to protest that everyone knew Captain Komamura was taller, except that when she turned around, Izuru was making motions around his head like he was trying to estimate the size of Captain Zaraki's hair spikes, and Momo was making little dog ears on her own head with her fingers. "Oh. Yikes."

"Speaking of which, bring us home, Nemu," Akon tapped his pen against the page. "Give us the shorties."

"Ah, yes! The Captain Commander is next at 168cm…"

Akon and Nemu finished off their list and Akon folded up their answer sheet. "I'm gonna go turn this in and then step out for a smoke. Anyone else wanna come? Kuchiki, Abarai, it's probably too much to ask, eh?"

"Kuchiki lungs are sacred," Rukia lamented. To be honest, she could kinda go for a cigarette, but the day before a family visit was not the time to be flirting with old addictions.

"Twenty years clean," Renji added with an apologetic shrug.

"Nuts," Akon sighed. "Back in a bit, then."

"Twenty years?" Rukia jabbed Renji in the ribs with her elbow. "I thought you gave it up when we went to school! You certainly spent a lot of energy trying to get me to quit, you hypocrite!"

"I did quit then. I just relapsed again when I joined Squad Eleven, just one of a stunning array of bad habits I took up at the time. Did your brother make you quit?"

"I mean, I quit because I was terrified of him, does that count? I don't think he ever knew, to be honest." She narrowed her eyes at Renji. "Don't tell him that I used to, okay? I like him to think nice things about me."

"Aw, c'mon, I wouldn't do that. Besides, I'm sure some other rich kid tricked him into smoking one once. He probably puked afterwards, just like we did on our first go."

"Shut up!" Rukia shoved him in the arm. Renji had decided at some point in their adolescence that smoking would make him look tougher. Most of Renji's paying gigs in those days were related to his muscles and his scowly face, so this wasn't nearly such a bad idea as it sounded. Terrible cigarettes were actually more readily available in Inuzuri than food. Rukia had taken it up as well, because she didn't want Renji to look tougher than her. She wouldn't say she was nostalgic for the disgusting pair of hooligans they had been, but she did rather miss impressing him with her smoke rings.

Rukia glanced across the table, but the other Squad Twelvers had already started talking about some arcane board game they apparently enjoyed. "Speaking of bad behavior," she lowered her voice, "why'd you lie about Byakuya being taller than Captain Muguruma?"

Renji's eyes widened. "Huh? I didn't! Well…not exactly."

Rukia cocked an eyebrow.

Renji frowned. "It wasn't exactly a lie. If I had to guess-which I did-I'd guess your brother was taller. If you clocked that as a lie, it's only because I… may have… inflated the degree of confidence I had in my answer."

"But… why?"

Renji wrinkled his nose. "I dunno. Rather be supportive of my captain and wrong than wishy-washy and accurate."

"I am not going to call that the stupidest thing I have ever heard, because I have heard a lot of stupid things, but that is definitely pretty stupid."

"Then why'd you say he was taller? I know you don't know how tall Captain Muguruma is."

Rukia contemplated this for a moment. "Because Brother would have wanted me to."

"See? It's the same reason."

Rukia took a deep breath through her nose. Dammit. He was right. "We're ridiculous, Abarai."

"I know. He's got a tough week comin' up, though. He needs us."

Rukia took a long, hard look at her oldest friend. Even just a few short months ago, he'd struggled with his feelings about Byakuya for reasons that were bigger than he felt entirely comfortable sharing with her. She didn't blame him- Byakuya wasn't an easy person to love or even to like, any more than she was. But Renji did care about him, and it wasn't just for her sake.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Renji asked, grinning and cocking his head to one side. "Is it 'cause my eye liner's extra good today, or do I have chicken sauce on my face?"

"Neither, I just…" Rukia trailed off, unsure of what to say. "Well, your eye liner does look good, but that's not why."

"Ah, ahem," a voice said behind them, and Rukia's head swung around. "I hope I wasn't interrupting," Izuru said. Momo and Shuuhei peered at them from behind his back, even though he wasn't big enough to provide much cover.

"Nope!" Rukia chirped, grateful for the save.

"What's up?" Renji asked, his eyes narrowed.

"I've… been nominated to apologize," Izuru said, glaring at the cowards behind him. "We're very sorry, Renji. You're our friend and we should have included you."

Renji made a disgusted face. "You're so ridiculous, all three of you. I was just messing with you. You can do things without me, especially things I'm terrible at and don't care about."

"He knew the one about the senkaimon time delta, though!" Rukia broke in. "He's a big nerd, just like the rest of you!"

Momo's scowling face popped out from behind Kira. "I knew it! I knew you used to lie about being crummy at Cross-Dimensional Physics!" she accused.

Renji rolled his eyes. "Also, Captain Komamura is enormous, you idiots know that, right? At least Captain Zaraki fits through doors."

"I told you," Shuuhei mumbled.

"Shut up!" Izuru hissed back. He cleared his throat. "You are very smart, Abarai, and we lost out by not having you on our team. You, too, Kuchiki. Anytime you want, you're welcome to come play with us, both of you."

Suddenly, there was a blur of black and the stench of cigarettes, and Akon was hooking his elbow around Izuru's throat. "Stop trying to steal my jocks, Kira!" he bellowed. "I found them first!"

"How are you so fast?" Izuru wailed, scrabbling at Akon's arm as he was wrenched into a headlock.

"Pick on someone your own size!" Momo yelled, and promptly rabbit-punched Akon in the kidneys.

Nemu unceremoniously vaulted the table and tackled Shuuhei to the ground. The rest of the Squad Twelve contingent looked over, aghast.

"Are they fighting over us, Abarai?" Rukia gasped.

"Worse," Renji breathed. "They're fighting over our brains."

A crackling hainawa suddenly whipped around Hinamori just as she was about to throw herself on top of Nemu. "Ahem," Nanao announced, striding over. "Team Captain Akon, unhand my teammate, please."

Akon dropped his arms. "He was poaching."

"I was apologizing! To my friend!"

"I want to make it clear," Renji pointed out, "that you are all fighting over nothing. I am never coming to trivia night again."

"Hello? Can everyone pause in their fisticuffs?" The horrible man from Squad Four was back at his microphone. "The judges have finished their scoring, and in a thrilling turn of events, our winners had a huge comeback, scoring a perfect 130 on the final question- Akon's team!"

Akon's eyes went wide. "We won? We won!"

Rin screamed. Kuna and Hiyosu hugged each other.

Nanao heaved a huge sigh.

Nemu's head popped up from the floor. "We won?"

"Do we get prizes?" Rukia asked, the idea just occurring to her.

"You get free drink vouchers for next week's trivia," Izuru said dryly.

"Free drinks, Renji, free drinks!" Rukia shrieked, shaking his arm. "We have to come back next week!"

"Well," said Renji, "I 'spose we could come back. Just the once."