A/N Hey there, funky readers! You rock. That is all I have to say! Oh, and hope you enjoy the chapter.
Chapter 9- Neela
Tonight was the night. Michael was coming home, he'd be arriving at the ER at five. Then we'd spend sometime here, my shift finished at six and we'd go home to my empty apartment. Empty because Ray had decided to give us space and was bunking at Pratt's for a few nights. And I still hadn't made a decision. I just didn't know what to do, I wanted to be there for Michael, I needed to support him, I knew I shouldn't be selfish. But I didn't know if I could cope with the waiting. I didn't know if I could cope with being the second priority. Perhaps I was selfish, all I knew was I wanted my boyfriend's attentions on me, I wanted him to be thinking of me. But I couldn't say that to him, because I knew he did think of me. I knew that he would say that I'm the only thing keeping him going, but I knew that wasn't true. And it wasn't what I wanted. Because I knew that tonight, while he was home, all his attentions would be on me, I would be the only one he wanted. I wanted that as a forever, not a temporary though. I shook my head, my own train of thought was confusing me. There were too many buts, too many things I thought I knew, or thought I felt. I just couldn't work out which I felt more.
"Excuse me, are you alright?" I looked back up to my patient, someone I was meant to be giving a couple of butterfly stitches too. But I'd just paused in mid-air and mid-thought. Shit, I thought to myself, another but, they seemed to be haunting me today.
"Oh yes, sorry about that," I replied. The teenage girl smiled at me.
"Thinking too much?"
"God yeah. Way too much."
"I know the feeling. Talking helps sometimes," she said, "I mean not to me, but someone who knows the situation... or whatever."
"Yeah, but how am I meant to explain what I think to them when I can't to myself," I said with a laugh.
"Sometimes that's how you find the answer, by trying to explain the question."
"What a profound statement," I said.
"It's my instant messenger nickname at the minute, I found it on some website. It's true though."
"Thanks."
I was walking along the corridor when I felt strong arms encircle me from behind. Hands covered my eyes and a familiar voice said; "Guess who?"
I turned and hugged him, breathing in his scent of shampoo and soap, he'd obviously just had a shower. "Michael," I breathed. I realised then how much I'd missed him and how worried I'd been that he wouldn't come back. I knew I loved him.
He gave a chuckle, "You pleased to see me?"
I leaned against his chest, he was so much taller than me. He was muscled and I could feel that through the t-shirt he was wearing. I looked up at him, smiling. He was good looking in a way that grew once you got to know him. I mean, when I first met him I hadn't thought he was stunning, but I could see he was handsome. As I spent time with him, he just got better.
"I missed you so much."
"I missed you too," he replied. We stood apart, but he held my hand, as if he needed to be touching me. I clutched his back. Shit, this was only getting more complicated. We walked to the main desk and everyone we passed would give him a hug, or a manly nod. But he held my hand the whole time.
Pratt was at the desk, and only then did Michael let go of me to stride towards his friend. They hugged for a while, obviously relieved to see each other. "Hey man," was all they said.
Pratt turned to me, "Hey Neela. If you see Ray, tell him I'll wait in the lounge for him when we get off."
"Ok," I noticed Michael's curious expression, "Ray's staying at Pratt's to give us some space," I added with a smile.
"Oh right, thanks man," he said to Pratt.
"No problem, look I better get going."
"Sure. And we have to go out for drinks tomorrow, if that's alright with Neela?"
"Sure," I said, there wasn't much else I could say.
"Alright then," Pratt said, nodding and then walking off. "It was really good to see you."
"When do you get off?" Michael asked me.
I glanced at my watch, "Well, since you're late, fifteen minutes."
"Yeah I'm sorry about that, I had to have a shower first. Do you think Kovac would let you out early?"
Luka, who was passing, said "Of course he would." He smiled at us, and waved towards the door. "Bye."
"Thanks Luka," I said with a grin. I saw Ray on my way to get my coat. "Hey Ray, Pratt said he'd wait for you in the lounge when you get off."
"Cool," he said. "You getting off early?"
"Yeah," I said, blushing slightly, it was the look in his eyes that did it I think. I wasn't sure what it was, but it made me feel embarrassed.
"Have fun," he said, walking off. He turned back and winked at me and my face burned.
Michael and I got to the door of the apartment talking, we'd been talking all the way home, about the smallest things. I was updating him on my life, on the things I'd done since I'd last seen him. The things he would have known if he'd been here. It was as I fished for my keys in my pocket that I found I was angry. Angry that he'd left me, and forced me to make this decision. I was so angry that tears came to my eyes. I opened the door and walked quickly inside, trying to wipe them away before he saw them. But he tugged on my hand, turning me to face him.
"Neela," he said, in an almost whisper. He cupped my face in his hands and swept his thumbs across my cheeks, wiping away my tears. Then he kissed me gently on the lips, just a slight pressure. Then he kissed me harder, forcing my lips to part. We walked backwards, still kissing, to my bedroom where we sat on the bed. When we pulled apart he smiled at me, "Don't cry Neela, I love you and I've missed you. But I'm home now."
He leaned in to kiss me again, and I wanted to kiss him back, but I said instead; "For how long Michael?"
"What do you mean?" He asked, his forehead creasing slightly.
"I love you too, but I can't do this any more."
"Neela, what can't you do?" His tone was urgent. He looked at my face. "Please... don't do this."
"I don't have a choice. I don't want to be the second best in your life."
"You're not, I love you more than anyone, I think about you constantly," then he added, as I'd known he would, "Thinking of you helps me through."
"Please don't guilt trip me Michael. I feel terrible enough as it is."
"I'm not," he said, "I would never,"
I interrupted him, "I know. I know you would never mean to. But somehow you are, I feel terrible about the way I'm feeling because I want us to be together so much. I just want us to be together."
"We are together, we're together now."
"I want us to be together all the time, I want to go places with you, see you in work everyday, live with you even. I want us to be a proper couple. And we can't be when you're in the Army. And you're always going to be in the Army."
"Neela, are you asking me to choose between you and the Army? Because I can't do that."
"No I'm not, I've already made the choice." And I had. I knew I had to do this, because whether I lived to regret it or not, at least I would be living through my mistake rather than waiting for my life to start.
"I'll only be on duty another year, two at the most."
"A year is a long time."
"I know that!" He was almost shouting, and he'd never shouted at me. I must have flinched or something because he touched my arm, "I'm sorry, I just don't understand... you say you want us to be together but it sounds as though you're splitting up with me."
"I don't want to Michael, but I have to, I can't live with another year of waiting. I'm sick of waiting, of having my life put on hold."
"Please Neela." He took my hand, "Don't do this."
Tears were still running down my cheeks. "I'm sorry. I think you'd better leave."
He had tears in his eyes too, "I love you Neela."
"I know. I love you too. But it just isn't right," I said, trying to stop my voice from cracking.
He nodded and bit his lip. Then he dropped my hand and walked out of the room. I heard the front door close. I fell onto my pillows, sobbing. I hoped to God that I hadn't just made the biggest mistake of my life, because it sure felt that way.
A/N Well, I had to stop there because I was getting all teary, but what do you think? Did I pull off the sadness and confusion ok? And do you think it was realistic? Please tell me all your views (as long as they're in a constructive form I won't be offended) in your reviews! Thanks.
