Her Shattered Heart: Chapter 6
Confessions of Love and Sacrifice
Tidus began storming furiously toward the beach, muttering incoherently under his breath. That was it, now he felt like he would have to go into hiding until he eventually faded away. After what had just happened in Yuna's hut, he was sure that his cryptic behavior was going to set off some unwanted alarm bells, and he had no intention of being anywhere near the village when that happened.
As his pace quickened, so did this thoughts. What if he should have just told her what was going on? Was keeping this secret really worth all the trouble it was currently causing their relationship? (Or what was left of it anyway!) He had never been in a real relationship with a girl before. Every other time had just been a one night stand, the only proof that he had indeed slept with a women would be the still faintly warm linen on the empty side of the bed, never even having breathed the word 'goodbye' to a single one of them. So, in the commitment department, it was fair to say that he was quite inexperienced. The girls he had been with had never wanted anything more from him, merely taking pleasure in the fact that he was famous. And Tidus was disgusted to admit to himself that he used that to his full advantage; using their obsession with him as a celebrity as an outlet for his physical desires. He knew that Yuna was angry about it, and he was ashamed for what he had done, but he knew that there was nothing he could do to change his past actions.
He threw his arms into the air in frustration, about to slam them against the cliff when instead of feeling searing pain shooting up through his biceps from the force of the contact, he felt…nothing. He stumbled slightly, his groping hand still unable to find something to latch onto to steady himself and as a result, he landed hard in the dirt.
"What the…?"
"It's happening," said a quiet, saddened voice, emitting from somewhere behind him.
Tidus jumped a little, alarmed by the intrusive sound of another person but upon turning to face them, he instantly wished he hadn't.
"W-what's happening?" Tidus questioned breathlessly.
"Look," the hovering ghost child simply offered, raising a small finger slowly in order to point at the blitzer's arm.
He gulped loudly before grudgingly beginning to follow the boy's line of direction, anticipation and fear rising in his chest with each inch of skin his eyes covered, afraid at what he may see.
But in the back of his mind, he already knew what the problem was…he just didn't want to admit it.
Upon reaching his target, he winced loudly and abruptly tore his gaze away… it was what he was afraid of…the Fayth was right…it was indeed happening…he was fading. Fighting back a mixture of angry outbursts and an onslaught of tears knowing all too well that it was pointless and wouldn't help, he looked up at the transparent figure as look of pure desperation and grief radiated from his eyes…Bahamut didn't need to be psychic to know what Tidus was asking…
"You have three days left," he stated solemnly, glancing down on the dream with pity. "Might I suggest you use it as best you can…even if you choose the supposed solution we've come up with, you would still lose just about everything you ever knew…"
"Three days…but there's a solution?" he asked hopefully.
"Don't worry about it for now; I will talk to both of you later about it, but first I think you should go and talk with Yuna. Tell her everything and then come and find me. I'll be in the temple…what needs to be disgusted can only be said in private." The child spirit then ushered him towards the village before promptly disappearing and leaving him alone, his head swimming in too many problems…again.
'I really wish he'd stop doing that.'
Yuna hated waiting.
In fact, she didn't even know why she was waiting. 'It's not like he's coming back anytime soon and even then, he won't come back to me…'
She began to feel another fresh assault of tears biting at the corners of her eyes. She shouldn't have said what she did, but considering the circumstances she couldn't help it, it was imperative for her to know why he was lying. The fight they had earlier was just another painful walk down memory lane for her…there he was, not telling her anything about what was going on and why he was acting the way he did…just like two years ago. The last time that happened he disappeared, and Yuna was painfully aware that history does repeat itself. The only reason Yuna had brought it up was because she was feeling quite insecure. She had also hoped to maybe coax some more information out of him, but it only seemed to suffice as a method for making him feel irritated and obviously guilty. If he was going to leave her again, she had to know exactly why. Was that too much to ask? Why was he being like this?
She would be lying to herself if she said that it didn't bother her…it did. The thought of her supposed 'boyfriend' (for all intensive purposes) having had relations with not just a few, but many other women was more then a little disturbing. Knowing that those lips she had craved almost constantly since his return had caressed multiple girls' skin…she knew she was being stupid but it made her insanely jealous.
She couldn't exactly explain why she was being so skeptical of him. He seemed to be genuine in his every attempt and gesture at making her happy, but for some reason, ever since his return, Yuna could help but feel that something was wrong…something wasn't right but she could never place it. At first, she had thought that it was him. That maybe he had done something or was indeed doing something deceptive because, whenever he was around, it was almost as if there was an uneasy sense of foreboding awaiting them on the horizon…like he shouldn't even be alive…
And because of that constant feeling, she was always on edge. Always blaming him for her nervousness because (for whatever distorted reasoning she was using) it was all his doing. He wanted to leave her. But after examining his behavior from their previous fight, she wasn't so sure anymore…
Suddenly, she heard the door to her room creak, the light steadily growing through the crack as it opened wider. Instantly, she reacted by throwing a pillow over her head, successfully blocking the harsh glare hurting her eyes, and covering up her absolutely miserable expression.
"It's okay Lulu, I'm fine. I'm just…tired." She said unenthusiastically, he voice muffled by the thick bed linen hiding her head. The figure made no attempt to move, or even speak. Instead they closed the door behind them, but they weren't on the opposite side like she wanted them to be, instead they were now sharing occupancy with her in the darkened room, making their way to the foot of her bed and easing themselves down gingerly next to her. Now she was angry, why couldn't her guardian just understand that she wanted to be by herself for once?
'Go away…'
"Please Lulu…I just want to be left alone…" she managed to strangle out through an incredibly tight throat, fighting to keep at bay the tears that were threatening to flood her already water logged eyes.
'Why does love have to hurt so much…?'
"I'd leave you be, but well…lets just say it wouldn't help the situation," a voice alleged from behind her rather lame defense, with a slight mocking tone to it. She didn't have to peer around the corners though to know who it was.
"What do you want Tidus?" She hissed, although there was a hint of surprise evident in her voice, a clear indicator to Tidus that Yuna must have really believed that he had no intention of coming back.
"To apologize," he announced bluntly, "and to…" his mouth had all of a sudden gone quite dry, unable to explain his predicament. His mind continuously kept stumbling over his words, unable to find a suitable way of toning down the seriousness of the matter.
'Just say it Tidus…the Fayth said there was a solution, so why are you hesitating?'
Yuna had noticed that he's been unusually quiet for awhile now and she was feeling quite uncomfortable in the silence of his thoughts. Slowly she began to lower the pillow from her face as she stared at him intently. "And to what?" she snapped, curious to know what it was that he was struggling with.
He laughed then, more a mechanical snicker then a genuine sounding giggle. He slowly forced his stiff fingers through his hair contemplating why he was being so hesitant. "I'm so stupid."
Yuna let out an exasperated groan. "Is that what you had to tell me?"
"No." He straightened himself up so that he could look at her. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying, tear trails still damp on her face…an all round upset and angry aura…he didn't want to tell her what was happening when she was like this…not like this. "I'm sorry." He risked stretching an arm out to cup her cheek, worrying that she would slap it away in disgust…she didn't. Instead she lent into his palm, allowing his warmth to heat her chilled skin, despite her brain's persistence in saying that she was being too submissive and forgiving when in fact she should be livid. And she was. But he hadn't touched her in so long…
Instantly after only gauging her reaction for only a few seconds, he boldly lent in and kissed her, immediately erasing any and all signs of resentment and irritability in her mind almost straight away, to Yuna's chagrin. She wanted to be angry, to scream, yell and hit him…but the taste of his lips was so intoxicating, she couldn't have pulled herself away even if she tried. This is what she had wanted from him all along, a loving, caring and somewhat physical relationship that entailed his participation…that was all.
Inevitably the kiss began to deepen as Tidus' hands slowly began exploring and wandering over her body, an action that was both riveting and downright horrifying to Yuna all at once…no one, especially not a man had touched her like this before, and she was more then a little nervous because of it. He just wanted to show her that he loved her, all too aware of the fact that his stupid words couldn't do it, and with what little but valuable time he had left, he was determined to show her exactly how he felt.
Deciding to push it ever so slightly further, Tidus managed to sneak his tongue carefully in-between her lips, causing Yuna to yelp a little in surprise. At first, she found it a most peculiar and strange feeling, as of course she had never experienced anything like it before. But she quickly grew to enjoy the sensation and decided to in the heat of the moment, mimic his actions and return the gesture, timidly slipping her own small tongue into his mouth, causing Tidus to let out a muffled chuckle. She could be so cute when she was still trying to maintain her innocence.
She pulled away abruptly, coming to the conclusion that he was laughing because she had done something wrong. Her face was rapidly turning a shade of dark crimson as she tried to turn away, beyond the point of embarrassed. Tidus' mirth instantly ceased when he saw her reaction.
"What's wrong?" He asked his voice suddenly full of concern.
"Why were you laughing at me? What did I do wrong?"
"Nothing. I just thought that you were being incredibly cute just then, that's all." He stated matter-of-factly before reaching up to remove a few errant strands of coffee brown hair from her delicate face. Yuna's discomfort was gone as quickly as it had arrived as she waited with pure anticipation for his touch. She allowed her eyes to flutter close as a beaming a mischievous smile began to dance menacingly on her lips.
But it never came…
Tidus watched with utter horror as his lean forearm passed right through her cheek and emerged on the other side of his head. He tried desperately not to scream…not to make a any kind of sound that would alert his lover, whose eyes were still thankfully closed and yet, he couldn't help but let a small gasp slip from his lips. At the sound, Yuna's eyes snapped open, twisting the once blissful reverie she had created into an unimaginable nightmare.
For the second time since his return, Yuna's pilgrimage flashed incoherently before her eyes…in particular Tidus' first fading…it was all going so fast…
The first time she met him across the campfire in Besaid…
When he had screamed in Kilika…
When he had taught her to whistle in Luca…when they had laughed…
When they watched the sunset together on the Mi'hen Highroad…
When he had saved her from the Al Bhed on the Moonflow…
When she had told her guardians on the Thunder Plains that she was going to marry Seymour…he was furious…
When he had rescued her from her sham wedding and carried her safely out of the chamber of the Fayth…
Their kiss in Macalania…
His vows… 'Just whistle and I'll come running. I promise.'… 'Not until the end…always.'
She suddenly remembered why she had loved him so much…
The final battle…
The sending…
His form slowly fading…
It burns…
Her running to embrace him, but feeling nothing other then the cold, hard and unwelcoming steal surface below…
She knew it…so this was what he was hiding…
He dived off the platform, fading into the seemingly eternal wall of orange clouds…
Not again…
"NO!" Yuna screamed whilst rapidly shifting to the side to remove Tidus' shimmering appendage from the depths of her cheekbone. She tried to slip out from under him, but apparently it was just his arm that had gone completely see-through as the rest of his upper body was effortlessly holding her in place. She had to get away…she needed time to think. The abrupt shock of what had happened was too much for her brain to process and quite frankly, she didn't want to let it all sink in…not now…not ever.
"Yuna, you need to calm down and not worry-"
"Not worry? What the hell is wrong with you! You're disappearing right in front of me and you're telling me not to worry!" She struggled fruitlessly against his grasp, confused and absolutely fuming at how he was being so calm. "You kept this from me…again," she whispered, her voice thick with the sob rising in her throat. "Why?"
"'Cause like I said, there's nothing to worry about." He smiled slightly to try and lighten the mood, but this only seemed to fuel Yuna's anger as she allowed the tears to fall freely down their moist paths on her face. "Why are you doing this? You're only making me more upset the more you say you don't care-"
"I never said I don't care," Tidus interrupted harshly, trying to stop her from becoming too spiteful, "I said you don't have to be so upset."
She lined up an argument and was about to protest about his obvious selfishness when he suddenly swooped in quickly and silenced her with a forced kiss on lips. At first, she was absolutely infuriated with him and upon reflecting, it only made her madder. But then the realization that he could very well disappear in a matter of minutes hit her like an anvil falling from a tall building…she wanted to reprimand him, they needed to talk, she was angry… but the sad truth was that he could very well not be there for it.
Along with the anxiety and fear, Yuna's love for her guardian erased everything within reason and thinking. Soon she was consumed by her desperation and need…her lust for him. She latched onto him with new found courage, more rogue tears carelessly washing over her cheeks. Tears of exactly what though, Tidus was unable to decipher. He guessed that she was just worried about him disappearing. This time though, it was her without any hesitation as she daringly deepened the kiss, continuing where they had left off minutes before.
And just as her hands snuck under the waterproof fabric for his shirt…they were interrupted…
"I hope I'm not disturbing anything."
They completely froze at hearing an intrusive voice, both of them making every attempt not to move. Lulu and Wakka were sure to be quite irate with the both of them. They weren't married yet and were already considering going there. Of course, with the way they were positioned just now, their actions spoke more then words, and Yuna knew there would be little chance of convincing her older 'siblings' otherwise.
Tidus slowly eased himself off her; careful to make sure he wasn't groping anywhere he shouldn't have been so the black mage wouldn't disembowel him on sight for 'degrading' or 'taking-advantage-of-her-innocence.' Yuna bolted upright straight away, getting ready to defend what she was doing. She may have been doing the wrong thing morally, but she was far from oblivious to what they were carrying out…what they were about to do. She wasn't stupid, and despite the disagreements they had had earlier, and her logical side chastising her for being so easily manipulated by Tidus' inappropriately timed make out sessions, she had been perfectly aware of the situation.
"Now before you get angry Lulu…" She trailed off as she saw who it was, her expression hardened at the sight as her anger immediately returned. "You! You lied to me…"
"Lady Yuna…forgive us."
"Why did you break a promise you knew you couldn't keep…?" As just as quickly as it had come, the anger in her voice gave way to passiveness and sorrow, her shattered heart echoing in her voice. "I don't want to lose him…not again…not ever."
"We know, but even if he stays, you will lose him…in a sense." The Fayth admitted bluntly with a hint of sympathy in his voice. Yuna picked up on it and was more then a little offended. "I don't want your pity. All I want is your word that he will stay."
"Well that depends on what solution you both choose." The boy spoke confidently, giving Yuna a somewhat false sense of security…a security she wouldn't have for long, once he explained things fully to her. But in order for them both to make the right decision, they needed to be cogent and level-headed. The last thing she needed was to be when he told them was irrational and acting purely on impulse (which was bound to happen at some point anyway.)
Yuna scoffed. "Of course I'm going to pick the option in which he stays!"
"It's not that simple."
"That's it I have had enough! Why do you always have to speak in riddles? Why can't anyone just talk straight without feeling the need to lie to me! I'm sick of it!" She screamed hotly. "I'm tired of feeling so insecure all the time about everything about my life…so please, just tell me outright what's happening." She was sick of it all; Tidus' dishonesty, the Fayth's austere nature, her constant caution and discrepancy at everything going on around her…everything. She almost felt like she was incapable of leading a quiet and peaceful existence, and the thought to say the least, thoroughly bothered her.
"As you wish it, Lady Yuna," The sprit seemingly sighed in defeat and hopelessness before he continued, but no expression on his face provided enough evidence to support the theory. Yuna looked on intently as he spoke, never once removing her eyes from his.
"Tidus' form has become quite unstable and as a result, he is beginning to fade." He said ingenuously. Once again his voice never strayed from its flat and mellow tone, even as he watched Yuna's reaction to the news. It had hit her straight on, but she was determined for once to not allow anyone to see the side effects. She swallowed hard and began to speak with quite a shaky voice.
"W-What's going to…happen to him?" That thought struck a delicate chord in her heart and she winced at the pain as she endeavored to keep her gaze steadfast on the floating figure in front of her. The ghost continued on with the explanation, again in the same emotionless tone and Yuna began to wonder if indeed it was all of the boys' spirit hovering there, or just what remained of his shell, so to speak (if that could ever be considered possible)…maybe these past two years in the Farplane had gradually broken down what he was and left nothing but his familiar 'outer' form.
…Or maybe he just dealt with grief this way…it was a plausible scenario. After all, just how many summoners' had he been forced to watch sacrifice themselves in his thousand years as an aeon…?
"Well," he started, waiting for Yuna's attention to return, "He will either disappear or-"
"Or what?" Tidus abruptly cut in, reminding the ex-summoner not only of his presence, but what she was also attempting to protect…their future.
"Or, we attempt to reconstruct you and hope that all goes well. But I'm sure as you would know; there would be large risks involved."
"Like what?" They both asked anxiously in unison.
The Fayth took his time to answer, knowing that this would be the final and most likely devastating blow…but only for Yuna. Tidus would never truly feel the extent of the effect it would have on them.
"Namely…whilst we are rebuilding you, you would suffer a great amount of memory loss."
"WHAT!" Tidus exclaimed, obviously pissed off. "Is that really necessary?"
"Yes."
"Why…? I don't understand…" It was Yuna this time; her voice had lost the strength and dominance it had held before and had once again become nothing more then a timid whisper. She wasn't crying though, as she once again dared to face the young male soul suspended just above her head. Her eyes bore into him, her sadness, bewilderment and concern all reflected through her gaze, struggling to reach him.
But it was a lost cause.
"When we rebuilt him from his memories, it was an experiment. We had never done anything like it before and we were worried that something like this would happen, although of course, we wish it were not so." Yuna nodded, acknowledging him that she understood and also signaling for him to continue. "As you can see, his form has become unstable and is in desperate need of attendance before he fades completely. The only reason we offer you this latter option Lady Yuna, is because after what you have done for us, the undead, and for the whole of Spira…you deserve to have a chance at being happy."
For the first time since she had spoken with him, he actually sounded genuinely thankful and for that, she was happy. But her smile faded as she realized the choice she had to make. But was there really one? She wanted him to stay, and he obviously wanted to as well, but he would lose everything they had shared…memories that were so important to them both. But what else could they do? There was no other alternative…she felt like a mouse that had been cornered with no way out.
The Fayth watched her fight her inner struggle and tried to soothe what was already going to be difficult decision. "His memory will gradually return as we recreate his inner being. At first, he will be most helpless as only his 'shell' will be there. The image of a person is easy to generate, it's what makes them their own individual and person that is complicated and very difficult to simply just 'make'. If you choose this option milady you will have three days to spend together before we start the procedure."
"So, he'll slowly regain his memory, but what's the other risk?" Yuna asked feeling slightly worried as to what he may say.
Again the Fayth chose not to say anything, hoping that she may discover the second possibility of problems on her own terms. But she didn't.
He sighed.
"There is the rather evident danger to your relationship. Whilst in his temporary state of amnesia, he won't remember you…he won't remember any connections he had with you or any of your friends. You mustn't force yourself upon him either, that will only anger and confuse him in his fragile and simple state. During that time, it is also possible that he may attach himself to-"
"I understand." Yuna interrupted callously not needing any further elaboration. She turned to Tidus for the first time since the conversation began, meeting his brilliant azure orbs in the dim light flowing through the room. He was afraid. He had understood the last thing that the boy had said just as well as her. He was terrified of betraying her without actually being aware of what he was doing. She was scared he would do it too. They stayed in that uncertain silence for awhile, neither of them having the guts to talk.
"What do you think?" Yuna said suddenly, hoping to move everything along quickly before she regretted her decision.
"Well, it's not like we have a choice really…at least I'll have you to myself for the next three days," He said optimistically. She tried to smile at his suggestion, but the wait of the issue at hand prevented her from doing so and in turn, Tidus' mischievous smile vanished as she turned to face the Fayth, ready to give her answer.
"We'll do it," she announced, her entire posture and tone of voice screaming 'defeated.' It had been only two seconds and already, immediately after saying those words she was regretting everything…
She could only hope that they had both made the right selection.
'Yevon help me…'
A/N: OMG! I actually updated! Okay, okay, before you come after me with your torch and pitchforks for not updating in so long, my school work is going to beat you to it.Ugh! I'm telling you, the homework and assignments are crazy and with assessment just around the corner, this being my LAST year in high school and EVERYTHING counting towards my final score that determines whether or not I can go to university and continue studying Japanese hanging over my head, updates I'm afraid may be a little…delayed. Also, I made the idiotic decision of deciding to start another story over the Christmas holidays and I also have to be updating that one as well. ARGH!
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Nothing but fluff in the next 3 chapters:)
The next update for this story however (because I'm so anxious to write it :P) should be in the next couple of weeks. Just after my first exam for the year.
But I promise I will not leave either story hanging like some authors do. (I really hate that! XD)
So please enjoy and review…constructive criticism is welcome, just no flaming please.
Thank-you all so much for your continued support and kind words.
Warui-Usagi
