Part 10
"Boom, I've had a long time to think lying here." Starbuck's voice was slow and muted, his handsome features pale, twisting as he concentrated great effort on shaping each word.
"And?" Boomer raised his eyebrows, wondering what was about to come next. One thing, probably the only thing, you could guarantee with Starbuck was his unpredictability.
They had been taking it in turns to sit with the blonde lieutenant as he endured the third phase. His strength was seeping away with the blood that seemed to spring unbidden from various bodily orifices without warning. It was a case of simply stemming the flow and mopping the blood away. Starbuck treated it as a minor inconvenience; Boomer had even heard him asking Marton, one of the other Warriors with them, if he wanted to bet on which hole he would bleed from next. Much to Boomer's relief, Marton had declined the offer on the grounds of good taste. Starbuck had scoffed at that and accused Marton of lacking in imagination! To which Marton had agreed and added that he would never bet on something that he could not confirm with his own eyes and the risk of what he might have to look at in this case was just too great. Starbuck had laughed and told him he was a coward who didn't know what he was missing!
The blonde appeared to be calm now, although he had muttered to himself at one point, seeming to be having a conversation with an unseen other party but his voice had been too low to pick out his words.
Starbuck smiled and Boomer had a sudden longing that he was seeing that smile behind a large glass of ambrosia in the Officers Club on Galactica; the place it should be, not in these surroundings. "I think I've found it!"
"What?" Boomer knew he was setting himself up but he did not begrudge it, not now.
"The perfect system!" Starbuck beamed.
"Bucko," Boomer groaned. "I thought you were going to come out with the meaning of life or something!"
Starbuck snorted. "Boom Boom, the perfect pyramid system is the meaning of life! Anyway," he shifted position with a groan and a trembling hand pressed something into Boomer's. "It was kind of difficult to get it down but Mags came through with some charcoal from the fire and a big leaf."
As Starbuck spoke, Boomer ran his eyes over the scrawled instructions on the leaf. Boomer, thankfully had not needed to read Starbuck's handwriting very often with the technology of the colonies but the few times he had seen it he knew it had never been neat, rather it was indicative of the blonde's general character and outlook on life; it sprinted across the page with no forethought of where it was going or indeed what it was communicating to the reader in the process. But, incredibly, and Boomer would have staked a centon's pay; well he would have done if he'd been a betting man, that it was not possible but this time it had taken a distinct turn for the worst, being almost illegible. Boomer squinted at it, trying to decipher the symbols that looked like an ambrosia-laden spider had stepped through the embers of a fire and then scurried across the leaf in a haphazard pattern.
"Do you get it?" Starbuck pressed.
Boomer nodded slowly. "I think…"
"Then you got to promise you'll play it, for me."
Boomer's stomach turned over. So that was what this was all about – he should have guessed! Rather than display intimate feelings, feelings that Starbuck, being Starbuck, refused to acknowledge, this was the blonde's way of telling Boomer goodbye. Boomer was touched. Even now, though Starbuck would not reveal how he felt, he was doing the next best thing; he was bequeathing Boomer his latest pyramid scheme.
Boomer had spent more yahrens than he could remember making allowances for the nuances of Starbuck's character, the walls the blonde hid behind and the manly mask he wore for the world; and the Leonid was not about to stop now. If that was Starbuck's desire, Boomer could talk inane irrelevancies and hide his true feelings behind them as well as the next guy, and almost as well as Starbuck, especially when he knew how much his friend was relaying on him to do so. Accordingly he let out a melancholy sigh. "Of course, buddy," he said softly, lifting his eyes to meet Starbuck's beseeching ones. "Looks pretty straight forward to me."
He embraced the other man carefully, his mind ticking over options for his next remark. He could play the game – had been doing so for as long as he had known the blonde pilot. "I don't know why you got this gig, Bucko," Boomer said as he drew away regretfully, forcing himself to smile as he went through the outward motions while inside his heart was breaking. "But you are the only man I know with the attributes to pull it off."
"Wit, charisma, charm?" Starbuck sniffed appreciatively.
Boomer shook his head. "I was thinking more of the size of your ego!"
"You're only jealous, Boom! If you've got it!"
"I admit it. Your sense of style, your…," Boomer hesitated, suddenly realising he couldn't hold it in, couldn't be strong, couldn't play the game, not this time; the ache of his loss and his forthcoming grief was just too hard to hold at bay. "I'm gonna miss you, buddy." His voice was so close to cracking and he looked away from those intense blue eyes.
Starbuck nodded slightly as if at once accepting and dismissing the lapse. His eyes were veiled with a depth of emotion which was exceptionally revealing. He reached out and gently squeezed the other man's forearm. "Look for me in the stars, Boom, I'll be there," he whispered.
Boomer inclined his head in acknowledgement of what had just passed between them. He pulled himself together and sniffed, just once. Then he smirked. "Very poetic, Bucko! You get that off the back of your fumerillo packet?" He shook his head wistfully.
Starbuck chuckled weakly; normal behaviour was resumed and his eyes flashed mischievously. "Nope, a laxative advert, as I recall!"
Boomer guffawed. "Yeah, I think I remember it now. Well, I have to say that you are the best pain in the astrum I ever knew!"
"I'm touched, Boom, Boom - I don't think I've ever heard such praise from you!" Starbuck winked conspiritously. "Any chance you can get me one last smoke? I mean the condemned man should have one last request, shouldn't he?"
"And here's me thinking you just wanted to talk! I should have known you wanted something from me."
"You wound me, Boom." He smiled. "But what are friends for?"
"Anyway Cass'll kill me!"
"Relax, buddy!" Starbuck's smile was as overconfident as ever. "Send her to me – I got her well trained!"
Boomer shook his head. "Just an ego on legs," he muttered. "If she heard you talking like that, she'd kill you herself!"
"Hey, Cass! Look on the bright side; you were wrong!" Starbuck's voice was tired but he was forcing the flippancy into his words.
Cassiopeia lifted her moist, wide eyes to him as she sat down. "How?" she murmured.
"Smoking my fumerillos isn't gonna kill me!"
Boomer had managed to sneak one last smoke past Cassiopeia's watchful eyes and Starbuck had been enjoying it as she approached. He ignored the guilty urge to hide it and instead took a dramatically long puff. Cassiopeia looked at him with disappointment and no little distaste. Finally she decided to ignore his childish behaviour and said, "How can you laugh, at a time like this?"
Starbuck snorted. "Because it's all I've got left, Cass. Waiting and crying is not going to help me and it's not who I am. It never was, was it? Frak; I cheated death so many times, rode it so close to the edge, I was beginning to think it would never get me. Well, it's going to win today and I'm going to lose, big time. And all I'm going to be is a memory that you guys carry around inside your heads. I've decided I am going to make that memory larger than life; I am a hero already and I'm going to be a legend real soon – I'm going supernova!"
He took one last draw on the fumerillo and then regretfully stubbed it out on the ground beside him. He coughed dryly and ignored the 'told you so' flash in Cass' eyes. "Frakking thing inside me is as bad as you – doesn't like the smoke."
"Maybe we should smoke it out then," Cassiopeia mused as she quelled the revulsion that ran through her when she saw the heaving of Starbuck's stomach.
She turned her mind back to their original conversation and shook her head, wondering how much of his sentiment was pure bravado and how much was specifically to make her feel better. How typical of the man! She had this one last moment with her lover and she did not want to waste it by discussing his overwrought reputation or arguing about his habits, even if they were disgusting. There were things she needed to say. "Starbuck, I don't want you to die for anyone, not even for a whole planet. I want you to live for me!"
Her face crumpled in sorrow as the tears rolled down her swollen cheeks. He reached up and rubbed them away. "I know, Cass, but I was only ever transitory; all my life I've just been passing through. I belonged nowhere." She sniffed, opening her mouth to protest but he continued. "If it's any conciliation at this point, I want you to know that the place I have felt the safest and happiest in all my life is in your arms, Cass!"
She sobbed then and he pulled her down to him, holding her tightly to his chest. "You're going to meet somebody special," he said soothingly as he gently stroked her hair. "He'll sweep you off your feet and he'll stay with you forever. He'll be so much better for you than I ever could be."
She looked at him, smiled sadly and shook her head. "You're all I ever dreamed of; anyone else will always be second best, Starbuck. We could have worked it through, you know."
"You always saw the best in me, Cass, I'm not sure we could. I'm not even sure that the goodness you saw is really there. Anyway," he sighed. "Promise me one thing."
"OK."
"When you meet this guy and he sweeps you off your feet, never ever think of me; not for one centon."
Cassiopeia shook her head. "You're one of a kind, Starbuck," she mused. "There'll never be anyone to compare with you."
"Humour me."
"I always do!" She was crying now, the big tears running down to make a stream along the smooth contours of her face.
"I never thought I'd get this chance," Starbuck said. "I mean, I thought it would all be over quick and dirty; my viper blown to pieces in a centon; here one centon, vaporised the next! At least this way I get to hold you one last time." He pulled her close again. "You are beautiful, Cass."
"And you are too, Starbuck. Just hold me, please. Hold me forever and never let me go."
"I could still get you in the shuttle, take you back to the Life Centre, get Salik to cut this frakking thing out of you. Lords, I could even try to cut it out of you myself!" Apollo said.
He was sitting beside Starbuck, his arm around the other man and the blonde head resting feebly on his shoulder. Starbuck was very weak now and kept drifting away but he managed to find the strength to lift his head a little and look at his Captain.
"You think I'm going to let you inside me with a knife?" He shook his head. "You must think I'm really desperate!"
"Aren't you?"
Starbuck lay his head back down and took a long breath of air. "No," he disclosed. "I'm pretty cool about the whole thing." He gulped again. "It was always going to happen some day. This way I get the chance of a tremendous and memorable exit – you know me 'Pollo, how could I ever resist that?"
Apollo shook his head slowly. "So you don't want me to find a knife then?"
Starbuck shuddered. "No." He swallowed. "I'm quite looking forward to how this is going to end, in a morbid, short term sort of way, of course! I'm always up for a show."
They were silent for a long time and Apollo thought Starbuck had drifted away. He was surprised when the familiar voice came again. "Look after her for me, Apollo."
"Of course."
"That's all that I really hate about this; leaving Cass, and you and the others, except Tigh maybe; him I could do without!"
"He'd be deeply upset you said that, you know, Bucko. Deep down he has a soft spot for you!"
Starbuck snorted. "Really? What soft spot would that be – the one between my eyes? He's got a mighty strange way of showing his affection; what with overlong duty patrols, paperwork, cataloguing, filing…!"
Apollo smiled. "He only does that to show you you're special to him."
Starbuck snorted disrespectfully, using up what remained of his strength. "Someone should have told him a few bottles of ambrosia would have worked better!"
Apollo chuckled. "You make me very proud, you know Starbuck," he said, suddenly serious. "I've always known you had a big heart but this…" He hesitated unable to find any words to describe the true horror of it all. "It beggars belief!"
"I'm not so brave," Starbuck said, his voice lacking all strength as he slipped away again. "Didn't have a choice, not really." He gulped. "It was sort of thrust upon me." He licked his lips and tried to pull back his senses, his features crumpled in concentration as if it was suddenly very important he tell Apollo his thoughts. He spoke slowly, each word costing him and hesitated often. "You remember on the Ship of Lights, after they brought you back to life. Those beings, those angels, said we had to go out into the universe and sow our seeds. I must admit this wasn't quite the sowing I had in mind," he chuckled at that but it soon degenerated into a hacking cough. Apollo smiled ruefully, rubbing the other man's back gently until the fit slowly passed. Starbuck rested his head back on his friend's shoulder. "Maybe this is what they meant. Maybe I was destined to do this all the time. Maybe this is all part of a bigger plan."
Apollo snorted. "Maybe, but that doesn't make it any easier for any of us, least of all you, Bucko."
"Maybe I don't deserve easy." Starbuck let out a long breath and Apollo felt the taunt body beside him begin to relax.
"An awful lot of maybes in there, buddy!"
They sat quietly again, Apollo listening to his friend's breathing and trying not to think about what was about to happen.
His green eyes were moist when he finally managed to voice what was on his mind. "You were wrong, you know, Bucko," he said softly. "You always had a place, a family, a purpose… with me and everyone else on the Galactica." Starbuck let out a long, deep sigh. Apollo lifted his head and peered at his friend who was sleeping now. "You were just too frakking stubborn to realise how much we loved you and how much of a hole you leaving us is going to cause. See, you're not even listening now, and I've spent a long time trying to work out what I was going to say to you, just how I could say goodbye to someone who means as much to me as you do. Had it all worked out and now you go and fall asleep on me – that is just so typical!"
Apollo chuckled to himself despite his predicament. He shifted his weight and gently lay Starbuck down on the mossy mound. "Makes no sense telling you now," he muttered self consciously. "Guess I'll just have to hope that you know it deep inside somewhere." He stood up stiffly and moved away.
After he had gone, Starbuck opened one lethargic eye and looked longingly in the direction his Captain had gone. "Oh I know it, buddy," he whispered unhappily "I'm just too afraid and I never wasbrave enough to listen to you say it!"
TBC
