Warning: BoyxBoy love (Gays, imbeciles) and OOC characters. Beware. SasuNaru

Pairings: SasuNaru (rocks my world) KakaIru (rocks my socks) ?Saku (vote)

Disclaimer: None of this mine, except the plot. If someone else has done this, you've probably done it in a SasuSomeoneOtherThanNaruto way and I don't read those. But I apologize if it's out there, but it's too late now. I also don't own Burger King Happy Birthday Crown-Hats.

SOF: Me again! The theme for this chapter is…vacation! Come on, they have their hands full with killing evil snake freaks, demon foxes, and winged monkey- oh, wait, wrong story- and assains. Everyone deserves a break! Right, guys?

"You're still here? What's wrong with you?"

"Foolish little brother."

"Would you CUT IT OUT with the bird already?"

"Are all my sins being forgiven? (AMV)

"…they're all insane."

…okay. Anyway, when you review, tell me which vacation you liked best, okies? Alrighty then, let the torture begin! (Cackles evilly). Warning, this chapter is pure crack. Next chapter is going to be more serious (for the most part).

-

It was boringgggggg. It was dumbbbbb. It was there. It was…oops, wrong story. It was an absolutely miserable rainy day in Secret Ninja Retreat Beach house. The sun was NOT shining, the birds were NOT singing, and the grass was NOT growing because there was no grass. Duh. Just sand.

And to top things off and make things worse then they already were was the new manager, who the Kohana visitors were sure was some distant relative to Gai. The lady instead of liking green and orange had a passion for plum purple and magenta.

"Ah, the summertime of youth descends upon us in the gloom and nigh of fluorescent rain!" Florescent rain? So not going there. "Let's play a game reflecting the joy and frivolity of the evening sunrise!"

"Doesn't the sun set at evening?" interrupted Sakura, unable to let such a stupid error pass without comment. Miss Manager paused and looked at her, her expression turning into one of wide eyed wonder. The boys on the team shot her dirty looks.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, overcome with emotion. "That today's youth may be so punctual and grammatically centered is truly a gift from the stars as surely as the stars are bright phoenixes guiding the way to success if my name isn't-" (Ooh, a squirrel!) Oh, back to story.

Sakura opened her mouth to correct her that stars were indeed balls of gas, not 'bright phoenixes' but for some, strange, inexplicable reason, she ended up with a mouthful of chocolate from the side table next to Sasuke and Naruto. However did that happen?

"I'm sure you're right, Miss-" (Hah! Squirrel has a nut!) "…what games do you have here?" Addressed lady paused in a 'thinking pose' and replied brightly a moment later, after strange 'thinking music' popped on. I wonder if the gramophone behind the cabinet has anything to do with this?

"We have a laptop!" Ohhhhhhhhh! Laptop! "That'll do." ("I've never heard of a laptop before.") ("I knew this lady was too much like Gai to be sane.") ("Do laptops have anything to do with kissing Naruto?") (Zzzzz…Squirrel Opera Theater…zzzzz)

"Okay!" Miss- (No, Mr. Squirrel! Don't elope with Miss Young and Pretty Squirrel! Think of yours and Mrs. Plain and Not-As Attractive as Miss Young and Pretty Squirrel's children!) Think of TIMMY!) - returned with the 'laptop'.

"OOH! AHH! SHINY!" Miss- (Oh the humanity!) – smiled, modestly as she plugged in the thing to the wall. "It's very modern," she said proudly. "I have connections as well as marvelously good fashion sense and diplomacy, as well as solid financial security!"

Team 7 had the brains to be silent, except Kakashi, who snored loudly from his spot on the sofa. Stupid mentor. "So," said Naruto. "How does this thing work?" Miss – (How could you do such a thing Mr. Squirrel? How can Mrs. Squirrel ever love again?) - beamed and enthusiastically went over all the instructions.

By the time she was finished, the entire team knew about the inventor of laptops, the name of laptops in all the worlds known languages, and how squirrels will one day use the internet to take over the world (but we all knew that). All of this they now knew, everything about laptops EXCEPT how to use it.

"Have fun kids!" Miss – (What's this? Mr. Squirrel's evil twin brother?) – left the room. "I'm off to exercise in the gym! For as surely as the tide moves with the sun, I shall lose 55 pounds! Away!" The trio stared at each other before nodding.

"Miss" – (No! Don't believe him Mrs. Squirrel! He's evil! EVIL!) "-after vacation, never existed." They all shook hands solemnly and a pact was made. Their attention was brought to the computer as a little box popped up on the on screen.

"In five seconds, your pop up fire wall shall be deleted," said the computer in a lifeless metallic voice. Team 7 looked up at each other, then back to the screen. 'What?' "5" "4" "3" "2" "1" "Screw you," counted down the computer.

The little box disappeared. All of a sudden, hundreds and hundreds and THOUSANDS OF MILLIONS of little boxes appeared on the screen inside the little screen appeared. Team 7 merely watched in transfixed, fascinated horror and hid there faces until the flood was over.

After sighs of relief, they turned back to the computer and SCREAMED. Why? Because, their happened to be an advertisement for free porn on the top of the pile and well… seeing these things was different then hearing about them from perverted hermits.

And so, it is to my understanding that Miss – (He's a liar I tell you!) – found their fainted bodies on the floor in front of the computer (which had died of overload) with their sensei snoring in the background, dreaming of Squirrel Opera Theater (poor man).

As they promised each other in the nurse's office at the Beach house, this trip never happened. They had blocked it out of their memories and it probably wouldn't have been brought up again if fate hadn't interfered… (Fate: Suffer! Suffer! Mwahahahaha! 0.0)

(Years and Years later)

"Daddy! Father!" called Tani as she raced home. Said parents looked up; Naruto from the huge pile of paperwork from the kitchen countertop (Father wouldn't allow it on the table) and Sasuke from his new book, How to Deal with Hyperactive Children and the Spouse Who Passed It Down.

"What is it?" asked Naruto, glad to have an excuse from paperwork. Sasuke, sensing this, shot him a disapproving glare before directing an inquiring "hn" to his daughter (it was a family thing). Tani beamed, and opened her bag.

"Look!" shrieked Tani with glee, brandishing her prize. "It's all the rage; the newest invention ever!" Naruto and Sasuke stared simultaneously. Tani felt her grin go wider; they were speechless with astonishment! Maybe so speechless they wouldn't ask how she got it (she knew accepting Jiraiya's deal of placing video camera's in her parents bedroom and giving them to him were worth it! Not that she watched them, 'cause he made her promise not to, muttering something about 'overprotective parental rampage'.)

It was to the little girl's shock that for the first time in her young life, she saw her parent's faint, faces pale with horror. Oh, think of the blackmail! The child grinned maliciously, this was too rich.

While they were out, though, she figured she might as well use the time to surf the net. Clicking the 'on' button she saw to her surprise a little box in the center of the screen, saying something about 'pop ups' and 'firewall expiration'.

She frowned as the computer began counting down. Was it going to explode? OH NO! It was really a bomb! No wonder her parents of fainted! There was no way she was dieing; she was too young and too special!

In a rush of panic she chucked it out the window whence came a screamed, "Good white sun and golden moon! What is tha-" In spite of herself, Tani couldn't help but frown in confusion. Weren't the sun gold and the moon white? She sat and pondered this a while, before growing bored and leaving to bother Kakashi for more stories on her Father as a child.

The End

-

SOF: ….what?

Naruto: what was with the squirrels?

SOF: oh, that was Kakashi's dream.

Naruto: then what was the lady's real name? And why are I and Sasuke nearly always married in your fics?

SOF: …And the next fic vacation spot is centered around… ATLANTIS! No. Sorry. The next vacation is really on the desert! Whoo-Hoo!

-

It was hot. No, I mean hot. I mean, as in it is a 607◦ day, you're in a car with a broken air conditioning wearing a parka and thick stockings, the couple in the car next to you is making out with ice cream (don't ask) and you're squashed next to the person next to you and a metal umbrella is sticking into your leg, hot.

Or, in simple terms, a spoonful of my mother's chili hot (our tongues were BURNT. The DOG wouldn't eat it.) That was the heat Team 7 was experiencing right now. Camel back in the middle of a strange and unidentified desert.

"Kakashi," panted out Sakura from atop of Cactus Lily the camel. "Why are we here again?" The Jounin, of course, was looking cool and composed, for the most part. The effect was ruined with his hair drooping all over the place.

This was not mentioned to Kakashi, for he was truly as vain as a woman about his hair (but you didn't hear that from me), but it was obvious from the wide eyed looks and poorly concealed sniggers from Sandy the camel's direction.

Said teacher looked with a dignified expression at the inquirer. "We are here," he began (ignoring the choked laughter). "Because some stupid receptionist in charge of the Ninja Vacation Get Away Plan (NVGA) had thought that a tour of an unexplored desert would be fun."

(A/N: Said receptionist was also a revenge seeking Orochimaru in disguise. Thought you should know. Also note that said impersonator was currently laughing/cackling his head off in his creepy labyrinth tunnels of his, finally convincing Kabuto that he had chosen poorly in career choice.)

Sasuke hmphed, ignoring the murderous looks of his teacher. Sasuke's hair had staid in position and not a hair was out of place. Needless to say, he would not be on safe grounds with his sensei until they had reached a hotel. He sighed darkly to himself, kicking irritably, earning himself a glare from Gloomy the camel (for unexplainable reasons, Naruto felt the two had a special connection).

Sasuke really didn't understand the boy sometimes. Sasuke was much prettier than the camel. Sasuke and Gloomy both shot sparks of loathing at each other. "I am cooler than you! Admit it!"

"In your loser dreams glacier boy." Did I mention the camels talked? No? Sorry. These were special exotic camels made from the deep dark depths of my scarred and twisted mind- I mean the supermarket. Yes, they definitely came from the supermarket. Maybe you passed that aisle.

It's right next to the flying monkeys and the walking clouds. Oh- and the living fires of Ascoqueyth. Those fires are almost as hot as the desert they were currently on! How fun- I mean, how terrible.

Back in the desert I named 'Fires of Ascoqueyth' (which they deemed 'Hell') the children and their vain, hair obsessed sensei continued on their talking, (except Kakashi's camel, dubbed 'Mute', who was in fact mute) supermarket bought camels.

While Kakashi sulked on Mute, Sakura chatted with Cactus Lily on the cluelessness of the male species period, and Sasuke fought with Gloomy (and was losing, which is pretty pathetic. Losing to a camel, I mean.) Naruto was…thirsty.

I'm talking, give-me-the-water-or-die thirsty. Kind of like soccer camp (shivers). Anyway, what do you do when you're thirsty and tired? You, um….it starts with H. I know it does. Really. Hmm. What's Naruto doing?

Naruto was in fact staring at the bandit on the black horse that was running through the desert. That wouldn't of been too weird (this WAS a desert) if the bandit hadn't been a squirrel dressed up as Zorro.

"Don't worry my love!" squeaked the squirrel (what? I missed the talking squirrel aisle?). "I'll save you from the evil King of the Undead Ascoqueythians!" Naruto blinked.

"Who are Ascoqueythians?" he asked bluntly. Sasuke stared at him momentarily, being the only one who heard before Gloomy accused him of being- well, (cough, cough). Sasuke was insulted and they fought each other (again).

Meanwhile, the squirrel. Currently he was waving his little plastic sword around, yelling death threats to the undead King. Suddenly, up popped a zombie. It was the typical zombie, with the bandages and the mutilated, gray, scarred, skin. Unlike most zombies, this one decided to express his inner creativity by wearing… (squints) a Burger King Crown.

"Hey!" said the zombie. "You're hurting my feelings. It's not my fault I'm ugly and unloved! WAH!" The 'king' burst into tears while the squirrel scratched the back of its head awkwardly before carefully patting the dead guy on the back.

"I'm…sorry, I guess. Didn't know dead guys were so easily insulted, you know?" This was the wrong thing to say, going by the red eyed (glowing) glare of DOOM he received. The squirrel took a few steps back.

"Dead guys, huh? Easily insulted, huh? I'll show you easily insulted!" A soccer field appeared and the combatants took their places. The squirrel raised its paw and pointed to Naruto.

"I nominate HIM referee!" "I second the nomination!" Naruto blinked, confused by the whole thing before shrugging and pulling out a whistle. "Begin!" shouted the blond (now referee).

Sasuke looked over at Naruto. What was he doing? He looked like he was blowing a whistle? And he was waving his arms and shouting, "Foul! Foul! Darn it, if you're going to challenge Mr. Zorro Squirrel here, play fair you Bandage-wrapped Loser!" Okay, Naruto had lost it; he thought (accidentally saying it aloud).

Gloomy paused in his contemplation on the meaning of life and television (and what did it all mean?) to look over at the blond. The camel found himself agreeing with Sasuke. "Did he ever have it?" He found himself asking.

Sasuke sighed and shook his head. "No. But isn't he cute?" Gloomy sighed and sympathized with Sunny, who was looking extraordinarily strange now that he was thinking about it. Didn't the stupid human passenger remember to give him water?

'Cause Sunny was prone to hallucinations. Always going on about corny Squirrel Opera Theaters, and dead guys who ate at Burger King. Gloomy sighed. If that camel wasn't so cute…

Sakura was having a great time. Finally, someone else who had realized the patheticness of the male race! They had failed to understand that girls were too smart and pretty for them and only a few understood that it was their fate in life to make out with each other for their amusement!

(A/N: Reviewers…don't kill me. Randomness. Remember, this is Sakura. I am straight. I like guys. Guys are generally smart and stay out of my way. Good, we're clear.)

Kakashi was…annoyed. Really, really, annoyed. Maybe it was the heat, the lack of water, or how ugly the NVGA receptionist was. Was their nothing worse than the combinations of hair frizzing heat, thirst, brats, and an ugly woman? Kakashi sighed. He didn't even have his book (stupid hotel maids).

He takes a shower for like one freakin' minute and WHAT happens? They steal THE book. He was never going to tip a member of the hotel industry EVER again. He nodded, satisfied with his brilliant (petty) revenge.

Well, besides Naruto all of that was boring! Let's check with Sunny, the talking, supermarket bought camel (just take a right past the undead Ascoqueythians. Anybody know where they keep the talking squirrels? Zorro over there is my last one). So, Sunny.

"No Mrs. Squirrel! How could you cheer for that Zorro guy fighting the undead Burger King king? Your husband and your children are waiting for you! THINK OF TIMMY! That Zorro guy is Mr. Squirrel's evil twin brother!"

Geez. Nothing interesting there either! When does that Squirrel Opera Theater Show end? Let's flip through The Television Guide to the Inside the Crazy One's Head! It should end by the end of this story…When's that?

Back to Naruto (as he's the only interesting one). The soccer game was continuing when suddenly Zorro kicked the ball too hard and it was aiming…straight towards Sasuke! NO!

Sasuke was looking at the sky, trying hard to remember who that receptionist reminded him of when suddenly Naruto came out of nowhere and hugged him yelling stuff like "I'm SO sorry!" and "You didn't even FLINCH!".

Gloomy eyed Sunny. "How long had it been since EITHER of you drank anything?" he asked suspiciously. The camel grinned and while wobbling muttered something about "10 hours."

Sasuke overheard this among the babble and grinned. Heheh…he was going to DESTROY the Kohana plumbing system every semi-hot day if it got Naruto to hug him like this…

"So that's why I have to go to Kameko's house every time I want some water during the summer?" asked Tani to her father suspiciously. "I'm gonna tell daddy on you!" Her father winced before putting on a bargaining face.

"But if you do that," pointed out Sasuke. "Then you won't be able to see Daddy try to talk to the undead Ascoqueythian king." Tani paused and scrunched up her face before nodding. "Deal!" She ran off to tell the story to her best friend (and to get some water).

Naruto stepped out from behind the door. "Wouldn't it of been easier to say that the plumbing is terrible here and you're too proud to ask anyone so you try to fix it yourself and make a mess of it every year?" "…shut up."

-

Me: Wow…I wrote that? Weird…I don't THINK I'm taking drugs.

Sasuke: (cough)crazy(cough)

Me: (swings hammer of doom)

Naruto: No! (tackles Sasuke out of way)

Sasuke: (happy)

Everyone else: Sweatdrop --

Me: Next 'vacation' spot is…

-

"WE'RE GOING TO THE MALL?" "WE HAVE A MALL?" "…" Team 7's reactions were mixed when they heard of their new mission. "I DON'T WANNA GO TO THE MALL!" "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR?" "MALLS ARE FOR GIRLS- OW!"

"Meh. Moron." "SHUT UP SASUKE!" "STOP YELLING!" "Silly kids." "SHUT UP SENSEI! I NEED SOMETHING TO WEAR!" "AND I NEED SOMEPLACE TO HIDE!"

Sasuke sighed. God, was this stupid. Why'd they have to go to a mall? He heard of those places sure enough. Who cares if Tsunade needed gumballs straight from the gumball machines? Send a genin team. But no- it was too dangerous for them to go.

Oh yeah, killer shoppers and escalators filled with loud bratty children all desperate to get what they want from their parents and pickpockets and most of all, uhhhh, teenage shopping, pink obsessed girls. Suddenly, Sasuke had an inkling of understanding of the Hokage's point of view.

That place was scarier than the Forest of Death. And of course, they would have to make their way through the entire mall to the very tip-top floor and all the elevators had been broken due to some robbery having something to do with a crazy teenage girl and manga (whistles with shifty eyes).

Naruto was terrified. A mall…he had heard of those places from travelers who didn't know about Kyuubi. They were places of terror, he had been told, unless you were a girl and were therefore immune to everything but the clothes and the shops.

Wah! If he had known that the box he stole from the office wasn't secret scrolls but her private gumball collection he would never have touched it! At least she hadn't admitted it to his teammates- Sakura might be happy, but Sasuke would be furious. He needed to be alive to complete the mission. Suddenly, Naruto felt a sudden burst of gratitude for their Hokage.

Sakura was in bliss. A mall! She had heard of those before, of course. Oh, Ino would be so jealous! But, because she was just so much nicer and prettier, she would bring Ino back a cute skirt of shirt. Maybe.

Not that she wanted to be friends again, or anything. Of course not. Sakura sniffed as Inner Sakura made proclamations. I'm gonna go to that mall and have a GREAT time! Heh, that Ino won't cross my mind ONCE! OH YEAH! Suddenly, Sakura felt a flicker of annoyance at the Hokage for not inviting Ino's team…but only a flicker!

Kakashi meanwhile, was already dreaming up excuses. I saw this old lady stuck in a tree and her cat was begging me to put her down… The road of life is full of many pitfalls. One such pitfall was the space between my apartment's roof and the next roof over… and so on.

Hm…not bad, especially that pitfall one. For some reason he had a feeling that the first wasn't quite right…but only a small feeling. Oh well. If he played his cards right –begged his lover to use him as a dummy for target practice with the academy children- he might get out of this alive. Suddenly, Kakashi felt a rush of envy for the Hokage.

Where was the Hokage in all of this, you ask? Why, sucking on a cherry gumball of course! Heehee…Naruto tried to steal her bouncy rubber ball collection! Her real gumball collection was hidden in a secure spot.

She grinned to herself, Shizune giving her a dirty look for pausing in the middle of important paperwork. Waving a hand dismissively, she gave herself a sigh before her aching hands and eyes returned to work. She felt a sudden gush of sympathy for herself.

-

Me: 'Ta end! Tell me which you liked the bestest of all my stories! My 'judges' ask you to review as well!

"Review…Naruto…"

"Little brother…you're drooling."

"Sasuke! Stop staring at Naruto like that!"

"Go Sasuke-OW!"

"Sasuke, stop staring!"

Review for the girl who has no life, huh?