Warning: BoyxBoy love (Gays, imbeciles). Beware. Sasunaru

Pairings: SasuNaru (rocks my world) KakaIru (rocks my socks) ?Saku (vote)

Disclaimer: None of this mine, except the plot. If someone else has done this, you've probably done it in a SasuSomeoneOtherThanNaruto way and I don't read those. But I apologize if it's out there, but it's too late now.

I dedicate this chapter to mainly Icy Sapphire15. Other dedications are as follows:

daisukiangel42

bLaCkFaia-nEkO

flame gazer

Kratos Aurion Fan

dreamwave27

Shikan

Nekokonneko

WandererWolf

darkgem499

half-demon628

Cherry Daze

Love Squared

Aisu no Doragon

nightsiren02

Ms Trick

Scoodoo58

faerie-killer

I LOVE YOU ALL!

This chapter was written the second (fine, minute) after I had posted the second chapter. I warn you, I really have no clue what I'm doing. I'm just typing down whatever shows up in this scary mind of mine (what sane person could have come up with the undead Ascoqueythian kings who wear Burger King Crown Hats? Honestly.)

Ascoqueythian…I like that word. It's fun to say! (As-co-kay-thee-ian). Fun, fun. (Slaps self) back on track. All right. This chapter (after much reediting, like 3 times) is on children. Whose children, I don't know. By this point I just want to actually finish typing this chapter before getting writer's block (for the thousandth time).


It all started with a soda can. Once upon a Naruto-kissing-Sasuke there was a can of I.A.S. Soda. It was invented by a man named Nickel Quarter. "Yes!" crowed Nickel. "I have invented the newest, coolest, most irresistible can of soda! I'm gonna be rich! It's the one can…TO RULE THEM ALL!"(1).

So Nickel took his soda to some fancy sponsoring company. The director looked the soda over and decided it was the one soda…TO RULE THEM ALL! "Nickel!" says he. "This is an amazing soda! I shall buy it on one condition…what's I.A.S. stand for?"

Nickel beamed. "Sir, it's a secret." The director was furious, and after two hours of being interrogated ruthlessly, Nickel was kicked out with his can of I.A.S soda. Depressed, Nickel sat by the riverbank and began to cry.

While this crying took place, a tabby cat sniffed the newest, coolest, most irresistible can of soda to RULE THEM ALL and stole it (hence the irresistible). So with the can in it's mouth the cat ran off back to the circus.

The cat tried ruthlessly to open the can of I.A.S., but it couldn't. However, it couldn't give it up, and so the can ended up in the kitty toy basket. However, the cat's owner and the trapeze walker found the soda and gave it to a friend as a last minute birthday gift.

"Thanks!" said Tsunade. "I thought you would forget. What does I.A.S mean?" The trapeze walker/cat owner/friend of Tsunade shrugged. This would not do! The Hokage took immediate action and summoned up every ninja in the village not on a mission (not that many, considering the busy state of the village, a.k.a the Hokage's sadistic streak.)

"Whoever," declared Tsunade on her podium. "Can find out what I.A.S means shall get their heart's desire!" At this moment Sasuke looked very much like he was about to faint and Naruto like he was about to kill. "Except Sasuke," added in Tsunade as the girl ninjas wailed.

"So…" continued the Hokage. "Find out…or I know where you live! Away!" Using a super cool ninja technique, she vanished. The crowd of ninja stared at each other (except for some of the crying girl ninjas who were off to make a protest and debating whether a Sasuke tee shirt or one of his used kunai would be a better heart's desire).

"This is stupid…" "I'll try my best Sasuke-kun!" "I…guess…I co-could…t-t-try…" "Meh." "Think of all the ramen I could buy!" "Must… burn…ramen." "Sasuke! I thought you were over that by now! Stupid lying counselor!"

An hour later…"RAMEN MUST BURN!"

Two hours later…. "LOOK SASUKE, THE MEN WITH HAPPY NEEDLES ARE COMING TO TAKE YOU TO A BETTER PLACE!" "The bedroom?" "…"

And so…the great chase began! "Sasuke you jerk, come back here!" Naruto was in the lead, screaming about all the ways Sasuke could die and gosh, this was so stupid. Rock Lee had seen them running of and with his youthful spirit of the wind (or something) he sped off, assuming they were in a race.

"Like you care! You're to busy worrying about your precious ramen!" Look, Hinata and Tenten joined the race! Hinata, because she would of course assist her beloved Hokage-in-training and Tenten joined so she could throw pointy weapons.

"Sasuke you idiot! I care about you too! Why do you always assume the worst in people!" Look! People are joining the race in droves! The girl ninjas, all the other teams, and is that…Orochimaru behind Gaara?

"Right! That's why you're choosing ramen over me! And besides, you keep flinching every time I even look at a snake!" Is that the Atasuki leader? How curious…his dramatic shadowing is following him everywhere! I can't see his face! And apparently, by the way he and the people next to him keep tripping, they can't see either…

"Sasuke-loser, that's because you ran off with a pedophile that talked and looked like a snake! And I don't choose ramen over you exactly…" Oh! That's gotta hurt! Orochimaru has apparently entered a murderous rage and is attacking all the people nearby and- Wow, Gaara! You got him straight in the eye with that sand!

"That's not good enough for me anymore!" Now we're nearing a…ocean? Wow, we left Kohana that far behind? That's what you get for entering a contest with ninjas. Looks like half of the competition has been wiped out on account of a giant sandstorm that randomly came out from nowhere (I would like to note that Gaara had to reluctantly leave the race for his next therapy session).

"Well, what do you want? And if you say revenge I'll…make you wish you hadn't said revenge!" On account of the massive waves Naruto and Sasuke (way in the lead) had created with their chakra, about a third of the remaining ninja had to leave. Among these remaining ninja are Kakashi, Lee, Sakura, Ino (I wouldn't be in the space between those girls), and…is Iruka riding…dolphins?

"What are you going to do?" And it appears the killer squid has risen from the depths of…well, the deep. Man that eyeball looks creepy. Look out for that tentacle- and Sakura and Ino are out of there! But no worries, they're throttling each others throats (I had no idea a face could turn that shade of purple) as Iruka's dolphins carry them safely to shore (go Iruka!).

"I'm gonna break up with you!" What! Hold on. Kakashi froze, Iruka froze, Sasuke froze, heck, even the waves froze, (basically, everyone except Rock Lee, who carried on running).

"Naruto…"

"Yeah?"

"We're married."

"…Oh. Sorry."

"Sorry!" Surprisingly enough, it was Kakashi who spoke up with venom. "You're sorry!" He went over and actually hugged Sasuke (who was still in a form of shock). "You think you got it tough? I'm a teacher! I have a life of unresolved angst! My life had only been healed by falling in true love-" Iruka's dolphins chattered. "-Yes, with Iruka." The dolphins were happy. "And now you're going to sic a boy with even more angst than me in my care because as his teacher it's my responsibility?"

Naruto looked apologetic. "I didn't mean to-" Before he could defend himself, Iruka's dolphins carried him over to Naruto, whom Iruka hugged before glaring vehemently at Kakashi.

"How dare you yell at him! You think it's easy for me? I slave for little brats who use me for target practice and I get stuck grading their papers! I have a true love-" Kakashi's dogs growled (how did they get on the middle of an ocean?)- "Yes it's Kakashi." The dogs were pleased. "-Who I barely see because he's always on missions where he could die! You think I'm pleased with this?"

Kakashi looked affronted. "I'm a Jounin!" he proclaimed. "My life is more complicated and stressful, and full of unresolved angst them your's will ever be!" He let go of Sasuke, who stumbled back and watched him with narrowed eyes (if Kakashi snapped, he would only have a matter of seconds to grab Naruto and run to the village for reinforcements).

Iruka looked more affronted. "I'm a full time teacher!" he hissed. "My life is more complicated, and dangerous than yours! You just have to kill people! Big deal, in the war even I helped out!" Iruka let go of Naruto long enough for Naruto to go hide behind Sasuke.

The match between the two teachers continued, and after a while, Sasuke turned to Naruto. "Let's go. I'll buy you ramen." Unable to resist such an offer (watching bickering parent figures created quite the appetite) Naruto agreed and they went off to the village hand in hand (then Naruto realized Sasuke had hired a band of bandits to burn down every ramen shop in the world and they had some issues and had to go to a marriagecounselor.)

Iruka and Kakashi had another angst filled argument until they solved their differences (It did take a while.) But on the plus side, Kakashi's dogs learned from Iruka's dolphins how to play Go Fish. All's well that ends well. Oh, and as for the soda can…

Well, Shikamaru (probably the only ninja who didn't enter the race on account of his massive laziness) figured out the mystery of the soda can and told the Hokage, who gave him tickets to a full time resort off the coast of Florida where there are never any storms and people just lie around and sleep all day.

Now I'm sure there's nothing more- Oh, and Lee met the Zorro squirrel in the desert and joined him in playing the Desert King of The Undead Ascoqueythians in playing a soccer match of honor. He grew to be quite good and went on to win many world cups in both the world of the Ascoqueythians and the squirrels. You can even see many of the extremist fans wearing green spandex.

That's all for that, folks!

-

Me: Yes! I actually finished a chapter. (bows to people who care) I've been having a major case of writers block and my school year is ending so I'm on overload with homework and my friend are partying (friend is sleeping upstairs as I type).

Itachi: (sighs) Where was I during this thing anyway?

Me: (flips through planner) You were getting a pedicure. So, when did green become your favorite nail polish color?

Itachi: …Shut up. What did I.A.S stand for anyway?

Me: Hah! You'll have to review to find out! (laughs evilly)

Everybody: (steps back)

Me: Next chapter! Okay, what shall my crazy mind come up with next…begins to type… (and prays that she doesn't have too many spelling errors).

-

Chouji had to admit- the cake was almost too pretty to eat. It was a rich chocolate cake, with vanilla ice cream, and the frosting was thick around the edges and had edible roses on top. Heck, the candles were even edible!

But what to do- his stomach was roaring and demanded that he scarf it down while he could practically hear the cake saying, "Don't eat me! I'm a priceless piece of art!" He had no clue what to do with this cake.

It would be cruel not to feed his belly, and it would be a crime of the highest degree to spoil the Mona Lisa of the desert world. He gingerly reached out to poke it with a spoon but stopped. He had made up his mind.

He would take this cake and hide it away. No one could ever eat it. He would stare at it and it's perfectly frosted sides and edible candles for as long as he wished and no one would be the wiser. He nodded.

However, Chouji was forgetting something very important. Lesson 3, Ninja handbook, page 763232, stated clearly that one should not hoard pastries one finds on the side of the road. But, who reads the manual (especially one that long)?

Just as he was about to take his cake and hide it away, a voice reached his ears. "Hey Chouji! What 'cha doing?" No! It was Naruto! He would take away his precious pastry! He might even (gasp) eat it! Nooooo! Naruto must be stopped!

Under the spell of the delicious cake, Chouji forgot that messing with the Hokage in training was messing with his husband, who would not hesitate to devise painful revenges (his life being a good example).

However, it is likely even if that point of critical information reached his brain, he would have heeded it, he was so under the spell of the beautiful cake. The precious, lovely…no! Must fight! Back to Chouji!

"Hey, what's that? It looks like a-" Naruto was shocked. This was very surprising. Out of everything, this was not what he expected to find on a lovely afternoon in May. He had just escaped Sasuke's possessive clutches and was exploring the area himself (really, just because he was pregnant didn't mean he was pathetic).

"There's nothing here!" said Chouji with surprising force as Naruto's eyes swept over the cake. "Go away!" However, it was too late. Naruto had spotted it, and the little child inside of him developed a sudden craving for-

"Give me that cake!" hissed Naruto. Chouji growled (he should of known)! He moved in a defensive stance (never mind that Naruto was pregnant and a possessive Sasuke was nearby)! This was personal!

Naruto hissed and sent a rasengan his way (but not close enough to the ground so it would hit the cake). Chouji scrambled to get out the way, and barely missed getting ripped to shreds (hey, I told you. The cake was a powerful thing).

(Meanwhile)

Sasuke was murderous. His lover (and husband) had disappeared into the local park (which was quite large) and to top it off, said lover (and husband) was pregnant! And everybody knew that the evil ninja's would all show up and try to kill him now that he was vulnerable!

Wait- that was Naruto's chakra signature! And that loud boom and smoking trees over there could only mean one thing. Sasuke growled. Both Naruto and the stupid ninja(s) were going to pay!

Was that…Chouji? And why was his lover (and husband) yelling about a cake? Uh, it must of been those cravings again. After that ice cream incident…just uh. But no matter how determined (or scary) Naruto was, there was no way he could over exert himself.

He had managed to get that out of Tsunade's ramblings (and cacklings. The woman was really getting too much amusement out of this). Sigh…only one thing to do. He had better- wow, was that beautiful piece of artwork sent from above a cake?

"I WANT THAT CAKE NOW!" Apparently his husband also liked the cake. He turned his head to see a smiling Naruto approach him (he could also see a rather bruised Chouji in the background).

"Now Sasuke," cooed Naruto. "You love me right?" Nod. "You want me and our baby to be happy, right?" Nod. "You would do anything for me and your child…right?" Nod. "Then, make both me and our baby very happy by giving us the cake. Please?" His expression turned murderous. "If you don't I'll never love you again!"

Sasuke was caught in a terrible dilemma. Should he hand over the cake and keep his love (and his life), but lose the chocolaty goodness? Or he could keep the cake and engage in a one sided battle because unlike Chouji (who was going to suffer after all of this) he was not going to fight his pregnant husband?

Just as he was about to make a choice, who should appear but…Neji! "Stop!" proclaimed Neji, his hair billowing in the non existent wind. "Fate has called me forth to warn ye ignorant fools of an approaching danger!" His proclamation earned two incredulous stares (Chouji was unconscious by this point).

"Neji," began Naruto in a weary voice. "Haven't we been over this fate thing? And have you been spending more time with Gai or Lee?" Naruto narrowed his eyes. "Or beer?" Naruto sniffed the air suspiciously.

Neji looked miffed. "I am not drunk! And anyway-" The wind started up with enthusiasm again. "Fate has spoken to me and enlightened me! She does exist! I have seen the truth in the insane place we call our world!" Naruto inched closer to Sasuke, cake forgotten.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at Neji. "I'm not letting a drunken fool near my pregnant husband," he informed the hysterically laughing boy as Naruto abandoned all dignity and clutched his arm. "If you don't become unintoxicated or don't leave the area soon, I will break every Fate-believing bone in your body."

Neji hissed and pointed a finger at him. "Fool! You call me a fool? I am not the one with a snake freak's hickey on my neck!" Sasuke looked scandalized and his lover looked shocked before the oncoming explosion. 'Curse mood swings,' moaned Inner Sasuke as Naruto glared at his husband.

"Sasuke," Naruto began calmly. "You told me that he placed that mark there with a jutsu. Do you have something to tell ME AND OUR UNBORN BABY?" Inner Sasuke cowered.

"Naruto," said Sasuke soothingly as he backed away. "I can explain-" Naruto was taking a step forward as he took a step backward, and chances of escape were looking pretty narrow right now. Neji watched the show, munching on some berries given to him by an innocent appearing squirrel.

"I don't want you to explain," said Naruto with a creepily calm smile. "I want you to SUFFER!" Sasuke abandoned all dignity and ran away, Naruto at his heels. Neji raised an eyebrow. Was it really safe for a pregnant man to be running around like that?

"SASUKE YOU ARE A TERRIBLE FATHER AND HUSBAND!"

"OH MY GOSH, WE HAVE TO GET YOU TO TSUNADE!"

"DON'T THINK YOU'RE GETTING OFF SO EASY MISTER-"

Wow, what a show. Neji grinned evilly. And now, that cake was all his. He went over to it before suddenly gasping and falling in a dead faint (but thankfully, he missed the cake, which was all that mattered).

"Thank you, my little friends. Now, we may safely return that cake to its rightful owner, or I, Rock Lee, shall kick 2,000 soccer balls in the net before the next tournament!" Rock Lee posed on the tree, but unfortunately, the branch was not meant to be posed on by green-spandex-wearing-soccer-stars-that-love-squirrels and so he fell. On the ground an inch away from the cake.

"My, my. Is that Rock Lee?" Kakashi leaned down and squinted. "So it is. But is it just me, or does he seem more…squirrelly than usual to you? It's kind of creepy- and hey, Iruka, isn't that your cake? How did it end up here?"

The chuunin teacher and former prankster grinned innocently at his lover. "I have no clue. Some prankster must have stolen it from me." Kakashi frowned, his one visible eye narrowed in thought.

"That was very rude. That was your special cake. If I got my hands on him-" Iruka silenced his lover with a kiss. Hey, you know what they say, old habits die hard. Oh well. It's not like anyone suffered at a cause for worry (Chouji was already stirring and the squirrels were carrying Rock Lee's unconscious form into the bushes while a few went to find 2,000 soccer balls).

In the village, in Tsunade's hospital room, Naruto cursed loudly (and creatively) during his labor at whoever was stupid enough to place a cake where anybody could see it. This was all the cake's fault. And Neji. And Neji's therapist, who was supposed to be curing him.

(Right now in the therapist's office)

"Neji," said the girl. "Look into my mystical yoyo. It speaks the truth, with it's hot pink background and shimmering pretty princess sparkles. Listen to the yoyo, and it will show you the way."

"Show me the way," repeated a poor, brainwashed Neji. The girl didn't pause in her waving on the yoyo, but patted him on the head.

"Good boy. Where's my cake?" Neji's eye suddenly began twitching, his perfect hair became mussed, and his foot began tapping. The girl winced and began to back away. This had happened once before when she had asked about Fate for the first time- instant meltdown.

"The squirrels," he hissed. "The squirrels are plotting. They wants it, oh, they wants it. They are after my cake. Them, and the green one. The green, soccer playing one. Squirrels and people weren't made to play soccer together, IT'S NOT NATURAL!"

The therapist ran for her life. The end.

-

Sasuke: What was that?

Me: How should I know? All I did was write it.

Sasuke: (mutters) And her IQ is supposedly above average…

Me: (scowls) Go away. (speaks to audience) Sorry I was so mean to Chouji. Like I said, I have no control on what I write. My mind goes crazy and I type it. I am a slave to its will…

Sasuke: Kill me now.

Me: (sticks out tongue) Nyah. This next chapter was somewhat inspired by Icy Sapphire15, by reminding me of the power of muffins. Muffins….

-

It began with a muffin. Actually, it began with flour, other natural ingredients, an oven, and the beginning of time. But a muffin was the result of this particular set of events. For you see, somewhere in the world, a pastry maker became angry.

You see, muffins were wonderful things. But people ate them. Shouldn't they have a revenge of some kind? Some form of retribution? (Oh my gosh, he must of taken lessons from Sasuke.) So, he created the freakiest thing ever. He made The Evil Muffin of Misfortune (or just Muffin).

Cackling evilly to himself, he shipped it off in a crate with several other delicious muffins and sent it overseas. He then went home and realized he had been without his medicine for a month, and went to seek medical help.

Meanwhile, the Muffin was making its way on a plane when all of a sudden a violent storm came up, the cargo hold flew open, and it alone fell down into the empty air, falling for quite sometime.

Then (because Fate is cruel) it landed right onto Itachi's hand (let's pretend common sense took a vacation to the Bahamas). Itachi looked over the Muffin with an elegant eyebrow raised.

"Is this a Muffin? And why can I only say 'Muffin' in capital letters?" he asked the sky. The sky was silent. Itachi sighed and did what one should never do; take a bite out of the Muffin.

"Hn. I've never tasted a cherry Muffin before. Weird." As he said this, Orochimaru appeared right in front of him in the woods with a blinding flash. Said evil villain looked just as confused as Itachi felt (but didn't show).

'How misfortunate,' thought Itachi. "Ah!" cried Orochimaru. "A Muffin." He snatched it from Itachi's hand. Itachi felt angry. Orochimaru stared at Itachi before taking a few steps back. The prodigy felt very confused. What was wrong with…?

"Itachi," said Orochimaru fearfully. "Your face…it's showing…emotion." Then something happened for the first time ever. Itachi…screamed. Very loudly, very high pitched.

The snake abandoned all S-class villain dignity, and ran for the hills. "That was misfortunate," he declared in his evil lair. "I must make a note to avoid Itachi." Shuddering, he turned the T.V. to channel, 'Notes on Evil Weirdo's Schemes', (aka, the news).

Today's feature was on Itachi, who was suffering from a misfortunate facial disorder, which unfortunately forced him to show all emotion, unfortunately made him lose his S-class villain rank, and the worst, unfortunately gained him more fangirls.

Unthinkingly, Orochimaru stupidly took a bite of the Muffin (while inwardly gleefully thanking the gods above that he could record this), while watching a crying Itachi live on the T.V. screen with Kisame leading him away while glaring murderously at reporters that got too close.

All of a sudden, the scene turned off and the two reporters stared at you, faces grave. "We have new information on the S-class criminal, Orochimaru. Apparently, this snakey jerk has been planning on destroying all cookie factories world wide." Orochimaru couldn't believe his ears. What…?

"Cookie consumers all over the world have this is to say." A giant mob of people were shown standing near the entrance to his evil lair. "We're gonna get you!" "No one touches my cookies!" "You fiend!"

The reporter continued as the mob began pounding on his front door (and trampled his lilacs at the same time). "How misfortunate for this S-class villain. We would have never known if it weren't for Naruto Uchiha-Uzumaki."

The blond showed up on screen, cradling a black-eyed baby in one arm while the other hand was viciously pinching Sasuke Uzumaki-Uchiha's ear. "I had no clue about any of this until recently I found a bunch evidence. But he was undoubtly guilty. Right, Sasuke?"

Orochimaru winced as the ear was tugged painfully. Sasuke winced too. "Yes dear. Of course dear. Whatever you say, dear." The poor boy sounded like he'd been trained. Naruto gave the ear a final tug before glancing back up at the screen.

"I would also like to say that whatever you decide to do to Orochimaru, he fully deserves. Make him suffer, go all out. MAKE HIM PAY FOR BEING THE-" the T.V. bleeped out another two paragraphs. "-Hickey giver he is! And have a nice day!"

Naruto smiled and waved at the screen, Sasuke gave an eye roll, and the baby made a face. The floor was shaking now. The door was sporting little cracks here and there. The ceiling was dropping little pieces of plaster on his head.

Orochimaru consoled himself with the knowledge he had pictures of Itachi crying stored on his television screen. A little blue box appeared on the screen with a blip. "We're sorry," read Orochimaru. "This has been deleted due to the sadistic streak of your cable company. Oh yeah. And I hope you die a terrible death for attempting to destroy cookies."

Orochimaru fell to his knees as the door gave way and the mob of angry, cookie loving people swarmed into the room. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

THE END

-

Me: Wheee! That was fun! Until I get motivated again (depending on your reviews).