Warning: BoyxBoy love (Gays, imbeciles). Beware. Sasunaru. Mpreg in ONE of the chapters (just skip over it and tell your mind they adopted).
Pairings: SasuNaru (rocks my world) KakaIru (rocks my socks) NejiHina, KibaShino vaguely hinted at (got a problem, polite me tell me and I'll add in your favorite pairing as long as I keep the SasuNaru and KakaIru).
Disclaimer: None of this mine, except the plot. If someone else has done this, you've probably done it in a SasuSomeoneOtherThanNaruto way and I don't read those. But I apologize if it's out there, but it's too late now.
Me: Heh…sorry for the wait. I've been busy and I'm nervous because my computer has been breaking down lately so recently I've been trying to finish this story up. The last time the computer was like this all my data was ripped from my hard drive…
Naruto edged through the crowd, Sasuke pressed to his back followed by the rest of the Kohanian ninjas that had chosen to come. "'Scuse me, pardon me," muttered Naruto as he elbowed a particularly perky squirrel. "Sorry, excuse us, look out, coming through."
Did Lee have to get them tickets in the very bottom row? I mean, sure it was a miracle they got into the Summer Squirrel Soccer Tournament (SSS), but they were the friends of the star soccer player.
Naruto felt pretty excited as he stepped over another cup of birdbath water and box of acorns. Imagine! An SSS tournament! Who knew that such a thing even existed! If only that squirrel at the front gate hadn't confiscated Sasuke's camera… think of all the photos he could of have taken. But wait! His cell phone! It could take pictures! Crappy ones, but good enough!
Sasuke felt like the next squirrel that so much as flicked their tail at him would end up skinned as a trophy on the mantelpiece of his father's study (Naruto would never allow it in the living room…let alone his maiming the squirrel in the first place). So many stupid creatures in one place…and did they have to be so loud? They never stopped talking! Never! It was like being trapped in a little room with fangirls on sugar high (with squeaky voices).
Close behind them were Sakura, Kakashi, and Iruka weaving through the crowd and doing their best not to be creeped out by the many banners of a certain Rock Lee. Every single one featured him in some sort of pose with a mega watt smile. Of course, all the backgrounds were green. And the banners were made of spandex (shivers).
God, they were going to have to kill that creepy receptionist at the NVGA (Ninja Get Away plan) once and for all. Was it just the three of them or did the receptionist look a little…crazier than usual. Muttering something about cookies and stupid cable companies (A/N: Orochimaru would like me to say he was completely innocent).
Why were they cursed with crummy vacations? Sakura thought that at least in the desert she had a camel to talk to (and who could say that), Kakashi thought that it was a good thing Gai was allergic to rats with fur (or else they'd have to deal with him AND the squirrels…and he would like to keep his sanity for a few more years), while Iruka was wistfully thinking about all the brats he could be teaching and how to kill the teacher of team 7 without being suspected.
As they finally reached their seats Kakashi (sensing danger) smiled and excused himself, mumbling something about dolphins and drinks. He was "accidentally" tripped (Iruka would like to say it was a complete and total accident) while walking/running-away-like-a-scared-little-girl past Iruka's seat. He accidentally fell down headfirst off the railing into a stampede of raging fangirls.
Having knocked them down, he sat, frozen in horror, in the middle of the pile of collapsed Lee fansquirrels. As a few of them regained consciousness and stared at him with bright, beady, evil, sneaky, conniving, plotting, terrifying- (sorry, off track) little eyes, he found himself about to drop in a dead faint. His last conscious thought was, 'I had no idea there would be squirrels in hell.' With that, he fainted in dramatically on top of the water cooler.
Iruka stared down at his lover and the squealing mass of fansquirrels before sighing and looking off at the empty soccer field. The score board loudly proclaimed (in blinding green letters with a slightly lighter shade of marsh green background) Home: Lee's (they named the TEAM after him? I'm more messed up than I thought…) V.S. Visiting: Bubblegum Bunnies. This was the championship match, and as the referees were belting out in the news booth, "The stakes were high."
"Um…Iruka? Teacher?" Iruka snapped out of it and looked over at Naruto. The boy was clinging to Sasuke while giving his former teacher a nervous, I'm-sorry-to-bother-you-but-have-you-lost-it face. The ever stoic boy showed no sign of emotion on his face other than it turning a little purple from lack of oxygen (when I said clinging, I meant choking death grip. Sorry). Sakura herself had fallen asleep in her chair, and dreamed about Squirrel Opera Theater (it never ends. She's watching the reruns. "No, how could you Mr. Squirrel!").
"Yes Naruto?" The blond gave him another look. "Are you…going to help Kakashi…at all?" Iruka looked over at the Jounin level ninja as he was dragged away (still unconscious) by the chattering happily fansquirrels, who were chittering about beginning a Kakashi fan club, and whether his cool hairstyle made up for his lack of shiny smile (or visible mouth at all).
"No." Iruka gave Naruto a sweet smile. "We might miss the game." Naruto nodded slowly and stopped clinging (choking) Sasuke and eased himself on Sasuke's lap. Suddenly, the announcer began to speak.
"And it appears a wild sandstorm is headed this way- we urge you all to not panic and to stay calm- ah heck, who are we kidding? RUN FOR YOU LIVES, FELLOW TREE RATS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The stands were in a panic. Squirrels were everywhere, screaming with shrill little voices, and running around with their paws in the air (like it was a robbery or something). The bubble gum bunnies (who were all chewing carrot flavored bubble gum) were also running around with their mouths hanging wide open with no sound coming out.
All the banners were ripped through from the rafters and sent to the whirling cyclone of sand at the base of the storm. Eventually, Sasuke, Iruka, and Naruto realized while staring with their mouths wide open is entertaining for others (based on the squirrels who pointed and laughed between shocks of panic) it was not going to do anything useful.
They promptly turned tail (so to speak) and ran for their lives in the opposite direction. Kakashi? Well…let's just say he had a new phobia when they finally unearthed him in the rubble after the storm had blown over.
Naruto did never get to take those pictures either…
End
-
Habits are what make a person. Therefore, since Kakashi was such a…special person it would be obvious that he would have to have special habits. Iruka had been counting on that and having to deal with it after his lover had proposed they moved in together.
What Iruka had not expected for such habits to be so…consistent. Even if the rain was pouring down so fiercely that even people like Neji, Sasuke, and Naruto had decided to skip training, the Jounin had to go outside to get the paper and talk for ten minutes with his neighbor (who was desperately trying to escape said neighbor's clutches) about training weapons.
Iruka and Kakashi were on the receiving end of dirty looks from the cold-stricken neighbor and his wife for a week or two after a particularly bad storm. Kakashi was so cheerfully oblivious that Iruka just knew that he was doing it on purpose. However funny Kakashi saw it, Iruka did not find being glared at a cause for almost childish glee (along with a healthy burst of mischievous giggles).
So when the next rainstorm came along Iruka woke up early and took in the paper and set it on the kitchen table, as quietly as possible (Kakashi probably knew he had woken up anyway). As soon as the bacon had started sizzling he heard a thump on the bedroom floor (one of Kakashi's weirdest habits was falling out of bed instead of getting out of it like a normal person/ninja).
Sleepily Kakashi had stumbled out the door (still in pajamas) and Iruka held his breath as it slammed shut. A few moments passed and Iruka played out the scene in his mind- Kakashi would walk up to the mailbox and reach out for the paper. His hand would close around empty air and calmly Kakashi would- "IRUKA!"
A blur (that common sense identified as Kakashi) ran through the door and attached himself to Iruka, clinging. "IRUKA!" Kakashi wailed. "They forgot to get us a paper! We need to complain- no, WE MUST SUE! GRAB YOUR COAT; WE'RE OFF TO GET A LAWYER!"
"Over a paper?" Iruka found himself asking. Kakashi glared as glary as he could from the bedroom to the kitchen while getting dressed at rapid fire speed. 'Maybe I shouldn't have done this without considering some things- like how I'm getting out of this alive.' "Actually, they did deliver the paper."
Kakashi appeared in the kitchen in the blink of an eye, said eye visibly narrowing at Iruka. Inwardly gulping (and hoping he wasn't looking too terrified) Iruka wordlessly pointed to the paper on the kitchen table. It took Kakashi five minutes to stop looking from the paper, to Iruka, to the mailbox, back to the paper.
"Iruka," said Kakashi slowly. Said chunin looked at him calmly (having collected himself, must not look too guilty), with an eyebrow raised. "The mailmen broke into our house! Is nothing sacred! Iruka- did you just faint? Iruka, I know it's terrible of them but you don't have to get that upset! Oh well, one more thing to sue them for…"
It took some time later to convince Kakashi that no, that foreign ninja were not plotting to take over the village by sneaking into people's houses to leave exploding papers under the pretense of being "innocent mailmen" (if there were such things). It took another week to convince Kakashi that Iruka was not "betraying" him by disturbing the flow of his habits.
It took another month to get Kakashi over his new "suing" obsession. Iruka made it his mission to hurt the person who mentioned the idea to him (Gai was found traumatized in a dark alley a while later). "But Iruka- look how much money this person made form suing this restaurant! If we find a way to sue that ramen store you and Naruto like so much, we'll be so rich I'll never have to go on a mission ever again!"
Now that the whole thing was over (and Kakashi wouldn't pout every time he looked his way and clutch frantically a newspaper) Iruka had time to realize that there was no possible way that Kakashi was the only person in the world with quirky habits (because no god/higher life form could ever be so cruel).
At moments when he was at the edge of sleep, finally done grading papers, or just plain bored he wondered what odd habits other people had. And furthermore, what their respective other's did about them. Tolerate them? Hate them? Cherish them? He went off to investigate.
"Habits?" Naruto repeated, looking curious. "Sasuke has loads of weird habits! Almost as many habits as he has angst issues (but that's not possible, you know). One of his weirdest habits is-" Naruto looked around and leaned in. "His hair."
Iruka blinked. "I know, I know," Naruto hasted to reassure him. "You think, 'whoa, weird hair style,' but after that you don't think about it anymore, right?" Iruka nodded. "Well, it turns out he gets up early every morning to get it in that shape. He uses nearly every kind of hair product ever!" Iruka looked scandalized. "It's not that big of a deal! Anyway, how does your lover take care of his hair?"
Iruka blinked again (this was becoming a habit). "We-l-l," he dragged out slowly and thoughtfully. "I don't know. Hey! That would explain the hair spray I found in Kakashi's drawer in the bathroom when I was looking for his toothpaste!" Student and teacher exchanged disgusted looks.
"Iruka!"
"Naruto."
Sasuke and Kakashi walked up, looking like they had been run over by a rabid stray lawn mower (my bad, it was on a leash before but it snapped, I swear!). They were received with disgusted looks.
"How do you call yourselves men?"
"If you girls don't mind, we're off!"
The two disgusted men flounced off, leaving behind their two staring husbands. Sasuke turned to Kakashi with a sigh. "Was it just me, or did we marry the two most girly men in the village?" Kakashi nodded and they parted ways to redo their mussed hair from running through mobs of people to buy the newest hair spray from Pretty Shiny Individual Hair Incorporated.
Meanwhile, Iruka and Naruto (who Iruka dragged with him on his quest) went off to investigate the other couples of Kohana to find out their secrets /shifty eyes, I mean habits, yes, habits. I AM NOT A POSTAL WORKER! (I apologize to all postal workers who read this. I appreciate your efforts to supply us with mail and newspapers).
Victims- I mean, Couple Number One is: Lee and Gaara
"Habits?" echoed Lee next to Gaara on the couch in Lee's house. "As surely as the dawn rises- I mean," Lee cleared his throat with a nervous look at Gaara. "Of course we do. Doesn't every youthful spirit- I mean, doesn't every one have an annoying habit or two?"
Naruto and Iruka stole a look at each other with raised eyebrows. "Lee," asked Iruka comfortingly. "Is there a reason why you have suddenly decided to-" 'Speak like a normal human being for once' "-cut back on your phrases?"
Lee flushed and Gaara did nothing but (if all humanly possible) looked slightly more homicidal. "You see," said the abashed former squirrel-soccer player. "When Gaara found out through his connections with the Undead Desert King (hello? Desert + Sand Wielder? Do math) he had to track me down all the way from the championship game."
"That was Gaara who made that sandstorm?" asked Naruto, shocked. Lee grinned sheepishly and Gaara had a (to those who looked reeeeeeaaallllyyy closely) content look on his face, as if remembering a pleasant memory. Naruto and Iruka scooted their chairs a bit further towards the door.
"Anyway, due to my time with the squirrels, I had developed a chattering problem." Naruto and Iruka winced simultaneously and Gaara twitched a fraction. Scoot, scoot. "So Gaara became….upset (scoot, scoot) and he and I reached a deal that I would only talk the normal way instead of like Gai or squirrels, but Lee."
Lee cast a happy look on Gaara, who nodded his head a fraction of a millimeter in acknowledgment. "Isn't that so nice of him?" Naruto and Iruka nodded their heads several times before scooting their chairs so far back they accidentally scooted out the door-or it might have been the sand pushing them. You could never tell.
Couple Number Two- Hinata and Neji
They next went off to the Hyuuga main house, figuring that neither of them talked to squirrels or liked sand. At least, both the Hyuuga's had a soft spot for the Uzumaki and every one of his students fondly remembered their quiet, firm teacher (as long as you didn't cause too much trouble).
And anyway, Hyuuga's were polite. They might even offer some tea- "Shina! Put that vase down- no, DOWN!" Crash! Bang! Glass Shattering! Clang! Silence. Cautiously, Naruto and Iruka knocked softly on the door. The door swung open with a slam. "WHO IS IT?"
Eeep. Neji looked very upset and ruffled- his perfect hair wasn't so perfect right now. Luckily, Hinata came up and took Neji's hand in her own and lead him inside. "Come right in," she invited softly over her shoulder before carrying off and petting a muttering Neji on the head.
Naruto and Iruka stood awkwardly around in the hallway until a small girl showed up. "Hi!" cheered the size-challenged girl. "Mommy said to take you to the living room, so comes on!" (Yes, any spelling errors the girl has are there for a purpose. Grammar Nazis, all of you).
"Alright Kita," said Iruka with a warm smile. Naruto followed his teacher and Kita through the house- and saw evidence that Kita, her sister Shina, and Kita's twin brother Tomo had been on several sugar highs lately.
"Uncle Kiba and Uncle Shino are in the guest bedwooms twoo!" exclaimed Kita with five year old enthusiasm. "Mommy says their 'partment gettins wemodeled." Ah. That would explain it. The two ninja (both of them) adored Neji and Hinata's children (they had Hinata's personality and Neji's confidence). And, they were adorable.
By the time they arrived at the personal living room (as in, for guests they weren't trying to scare the pants off of) Iruka and Naruto had heard about all the pranks Kita and Tomo had pulled, and how Shina was complaining a lot because of the training exercises Naruto had "heartlessly put them through" (Naruto resolved to borrow a set of Kakashi's bells).
As they settled on the couch, Kita left and Hinata came through with a welcoming smile. "He's still getting over a therapist visit," she explained. "We had no idea she was using something as dangerous as a sparkly pink yoyo to control him." Naruto and Iruka nodded solemnly. Beware the sparklies.
"So," she said, pouring the I.A.S. soda into paper cups and handing them out. "How may I help you?" Naruto grinned at her and Iruka pulled out the sheet of notebook paper they had been using to record the data on. "Habits…" she wondered musingly after it was explained.
"Well," she said at last. "He spends an awful amount of time on his hair." Naruto, Iruka, and Hinata shared disgusted glances with each other, shaking their heads sadly. Oh, fashion industry, truly your treachery is as limitless as the blue sky above…AH! Lee's absence of youthful phrases is rubbing off- ON ME! SAVE US ALL!
While I went to the doctor, seeking desperate medical attention (I was NOT wearing spandex) Hinata told our two sleuths (Naruto and Iruka) all about several odd and strange habits in the village (who knew Hinata was such a gossip). Finally, an alarm sounded, and Hinata reluctantly got to her feet.
"I have to help Neji with the desparklification treatment," she explained. "But good luck!" Iruka and Naruto thanked her as she flew out the door and a mischievous looking Tomo and Kita showed up in her place, hands behind their back. Oh god.
"Shina paid us to do this," explained Tomo as they revealed a hose and water aimed straight for their faces. Naruto and Iruka shrieked and ducked as water went flying everywhere. When the attack finally ended, the two scamps dropped the hose and ran for their life.
It was to the horror of the two detectives that they realized that their notebook had been completely soaked, and was now illegible. "NOOOOOOOOO!"
A week later, Shina would like to say she hated bells very much.
End
-
Judges: ….
Me: What? I go crazy when I'm depressed.
Judges: …
Me: Shut up.
Bold: Naruto
Italics: Sasuke
Normal: Tani
-
When Uzumaki Naruto was 13 years old, children didn't cross his mind that much. Technically, (and mentally) he was still a child at that age, and any thought of children came from the small gang that followed him around.
When he was 15, children were the last thing on his mind as he was rather preoccupied with saving Sasuke from himself. The few thoughts on his mind of children were how he wished he would never have to see their dead bodies again. That wish would never come true, he knew.
Around his later years, 20 or so, his thoughts on children were slightly less depressing. His thought was not on children you see, but on the children that he believed would never be, thanks to him, Uchiha children.
He was proven wrong by a trip to the hag's office a few moths later. The next nine months were filled with children, as if to make up from their absence in previous years. It was, "Our kid this", "Our kid that", and "Sasuke, you inconsiderate jerk, your children want ice cream!"
Children were now a firmly parted section in Uzumaki Uchiha Naruto's mind, and more than often that section had taken over everything else. "What do you mean Sasuke will have to be substitute Hokage for the next few months! No kid is worth that- Daddy didn't mean it that way sweetheart, stop crying-" and "Sasuke, I'm not going to do anything while the kid is in the room! You pervert- I know she's only a couple months old, but- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING- Uh! Now she's crying, you terrible father YOU TAKE CARE OF HER!"
Like all parents, his child's future was important to him. As a rule, being an ANBU ninja was off limits. It was two very nervous parents that held hands in the kitchen while their child skipped home from Career Day.
"HONEY, YOU'RE NOT BEING AN ANBU MEMBER!"
"Okay."
"…Uh, good. What do you want to be then, sunshine?"
"Hn?"
"I want to be what Mr. Ibiki is!"
"NOOOOO!"
"Tani."
"Yes father?"
"Who was in charge of planning career day?"
"I don't know, father. Probably that weird guy by the entrance with the long tongue. Why? …Father, is daddy going to be okay? Hey! Where are you going? DADDY, WAKE UP! FATHER'S IN SCARY AVENGER MODE AGAIN!"
A few sleeping darts and buckets of cold water later- Sasuke was back at home (after a few strict warnings) and Naruto's injuries were healing. Both were confined to their bed and Tani was sitting on the covers staring reproachfully up at her parents.
"Why can't I be an investigator?" she whined. "I can investigate everything pretty well. I mean, I know all about Daddy's secret stash of cookies and Father's terrible mechanical skills and how every time I touch a snake, a bunch of ninja people with masks pop out from behind trees and-"
In the end, Tani got her way by black mailing her parents for the rest of her life.
The end.
-
/sniffles/ I'm so proud of her! The perfect evil mix!
Judges: …
Me: What is wrong with you?
Random Passerby: Is that duck tape on their mouths?
Me/squints/ Oh. Heehee…How did that happen? Was Tani using you as victims- I mean, enemy ninja, again to interrogate you?
Judges/glare/
Me: What are you talking about? I most certainly didn't give Tani any duct tape!
/kicks roll of tape under the sofa/
Review, and my judges MAY be set free!
