A/N: So this chapter's up a little earlier than expected, but I'm sure you're not complaining. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing… especially not Harry Potter!
Happy Reading!
Way Nine: One word: pickup line
James sat with Sirius on the floor of the dormitory, pouring over a list of pickup lines.
"Now remember, Prongs, the cheesier the better."
"Right-o!" James replied, and highlighted another one on the list.
Sirius suddenly let out a laugh.
"What?"
Sirius pointed to a particular line on the list. James read it, and then fell backwards, laughing.
"Padfoot, that's terrible!"
"I know, but it's funny! You've got to do it!"
"No!"
"Aww, come on!"
James sighed and stuffed a pumpkin pasty in his mouth. Surrounding James and Sirius on the floor was every junk food you could imagine, nicked fresh from the kitchens. Even Peter couldn't resist coming over and taking something from the pile before following a distinctly flustered Remus out the door.
"Alright, whatever," James said through bites of his pasty, "This had better work, Padfoot; I really don't want to grovel."
Sirius laughed.
"James, you've been groveling since day one, really."
James looked slightly offended.
"Yeah, well, I always called that 'sophisticated begging'." James reasoned in an attempt to defend himself. "Oh, and I don't want to do too many of these pickup lines – they kind of lose their effect after ten or so."
Sirius scratched his chin with his quill.
"You're right. Here, this list should be perfect."
Sirius jotted down a few more words on the newly perfected list, tapped it with his wand, and handed it to James. James took the list from his friend and read it over, the line between his brows becoming more and more defined as he went down the list. Finally, James clapped a hand over his eyes and groaned.
"I can't believe I'm going to do this, Sirius," James moaned.
"You pretty much don't have much of a choice, do you?" Sirius replied, looking slightly bothered. "Don't worry, if this doesn't work – which it definitely should – then you're almost done."
"But what if groveling doesn't work, either?"
"Oh it will, trust me."
James raised an eyebrow at his best mate.
"How can you possibly be so sure after the other steps?" James inquired suspiciously.
Sirius shrugged and took the list back. He held it up in front of his face and read it over again.
"Just intuition, Prongs," Sirius said from the other side of the parchment, "I'm chock full of it, you know."
James rolled his eyes.
"As if I didn't know that…" James trailed off, wondering how much chaos he was going to stir up today.
o0o0o
The only problem with fulfilling Step Nine was that Lily was literally nowhere to be found. James looked everywhere, but she was not at breakfast, nor was she in class. After searching in the empty Potions classroom, James smacked himself in the forehead with the heel of his palm.
Of course, why didn't I think of it before? James thought to himself, I've got the map!
James ran back up to the dormitory during lunch break and opened his trunk. He dropped to his knees and pulled out the Marauder's Map.
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," James muttered, feeling that he wasn't just speaking a password for once.
The lines of the map crisscrossed over each other until the parchment had become a map. James studied the map carefully until he found a tiny dot labeled Lily Evans. To James's surprise, Lily was out by Hagrid's hut with Hagrid himself. James ran to the window and saw that Hagrid and Lily were indeed outside the hut, their sleeves rolled up and working hard at the garden. James, who had memorized the list of pickup lines previous to this occasion, sprinted down to join Lily and Hagrid.
When James stepped out into the beautiful weather, he strolled down towards Hagrid's hut. When he came upon the hut, he heard a tidbit of their conversation.
"… so, needless to say it was a bit of a disaster, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, it was. Right funny, o' course, but a disaster, too. Oh, hullo James!"
Lily spun around and dropped the spade she was holding. He blushed and stammered a greeting.
"Hello Hagrid. Evans." James nodded to each person as he said their name and grinned, "Can I help in any way?"
"O' course you can!" Hagrid boomed cheerfully, and tossed James a Hagrid-sized shovel.
James caught the shovel by the shaft, but it was so large that it knocked him backwards and knocked the breath out of him. James sat up, feeling rather dizzy, to see Lily laughing and Hagrid looking rather alarmed.
"Sorry 'bou that, James," Hagrid said, reaching over and pulling James to his feet with one hand, "forget me own strength sometimes…"
"Its fine, Hagrid, really," James said, heaving up the large shovel and planting it in the earth. "Er, what are we doing anyway?"
"Diggin' holes for the seeds," Hagrid said.
James looked down at the monstrously large hole that had been dug at his feet.
"Er, they're rather large holes, aren't they?" James asked.
"Yes, but they've got ter be big holes 'cause the seeds are large, too." Hagrid said, pulling a seed the size and shape of a football from his pocket, "I'm growin' giant pumpkins."
"Aha…" James said, before hoisting up the shovel, "Well, what are we waiting for, then? Let's dig!"
After about an hour, the holes were done and Lily and James were walking back up towards the castle. The words "Step Nine" were ringing in James's ears, and he couldn't help but notice how this would be the opportune moment to start the lines.
"Er," James said, "Fat penguin."
Lily turned to face him, looking confused.
"What?"
James shrugged.
"I wanted to say something to break the ice."
Lily chuckled quietly to herself.
"Do you come here often?" James asked in a charming voice.
"Uhm, yes…"
"Oh," James replied, and thought about another pickup line, "Well, I have amnesia. Do I come here often?"
Lily gave James a piercing look that James knew was a warning. James looked up at the castle, then back at Lily. He put on his best face of interest.
"I'm sorry," James said, "Did you say something?"
"No," Lily replied curtly.
"Well then please start!"
Lily gave an agitated sigh. James took this as he'd better try a different approach. He grabbed her hand and faced it palm-up.
"What are you doing, James?" Lily asked in exasperation.
"I wanna show you something," James said in a cute voice, and then continued on with his thought. "You see this here? This is a river."
James drew an imaginary line across her palm with his finger.
"There's a bunny that wants to get across the river, see? And he tried to jump. Bunny goes glub glub. He tries to take a boat, but it sinks."
James mimed all of this as if his finger was a bunny and Lily's hand was the river.
"He tries to fly, but he falls," James said, and then dropped her hand back to her side.
Lily gave him a look that said "You're strange."
"And how does the bunny get across the river, James?" Lily asked politely.
James shrugged and blushed.
"I don't know; I just wanted to hold your hand."
Lily gave him a slight push in the chest with her hand and continued walking up towards the castle. James stood still for a moment, then took off in a jog to catch up after her.
"You must be a nimbus, 'cause you swept me off my feet!" James exclaimed, panting as he reached Lily.
Lily ignored him.
"Did it hurt?" James asked sweetly.
"Did what hurt, James?" Lily asked, looking slightly annoyed.
"When you fell from heaven."
Lily rolled her eyes and quickened her pace.
"You know, Lily, if you were a bogey I'd pick you first," James said, grinning in spite of himself – that one had been Sirius's favorite pickup line.
Lily shot him a look of revulsion.
"James, that was disgusting," She said, not stopping her feet.
As they started walking up the stone steps to the castle, James knew his time was running out. He panicked slightly.
"You know, Evans, you look an awful lot like my first wife."
Lily stopped walking at this, and stared at James with an incredulous expression on her face.
"And how many times, pray, have you been married?"
James grinned again.
"Never."
Lily rolled her eyes yet again and pushed open the door.
"James, you're pathetic." Lily said.
"But Lily! How can you yell at me for falling in love with you when you tripped me in the first place!"
Lily gave an exasperated cry and began stomping off towards the Great Hall. As she walked away, James called after her retreating back.
"If I wrote the alphabet, I'd have put U and I together!" James called, then as Lily disappeared, added angrily in a hushed voice, "Dammit!"
James was really not looking forward to step ten, but he knew he would have to take it. James turned and stomped up the stairs, preparing himself for the groveling he knew he would have to do.
A/N: Heh, only one chapter left to go! Will the groveling work, or will James find some way to get Lily and get out of groveling at the same time? Only time (and chapter eleven) will tell!
