The funny thing was, she mused, that Derek still managed to give her those McDreamy looks, and Addison still managed to pretend she didn't notice. Mark had muttered something once about the two of them feeling like they had to keep up the charade of the perfect married couple.

Meredith felt like all four of them were just sinking deeper and deeper into denial.

Because none of them would see the truth. She and Mark were just holding their breath, waiting for their 'soul mates' to call it quits. She wished with every fiber of her being that she could just GET OVER IT already, but she also knew that was probably impossible.

She stepped onto the elevator a slow Tuesday morning and wasn't even surprised to see Derek standing in it, alone. Luck wasn't exactly her best friend.

"Hey," she said carelessly, stifling a yawn as she stood next to him.

"Hi." She felt him looking at her. "You okay, Mer?"

"Yeah, why?" she asked defensively.

He shrugged. "You seem a little… I don't know. Distant, lately. And I'm concerned. As a friend, not a non-friend," he added quickly.

"Well, as a friend, I can tell you that I'm fine. Just tired. Working a lot, that's all."

He nodded, looking unconvinced. "And are you… seeing someone?"

Her heart skipped a beat. He knew. He knew. Oh god. "Umm… kind of."

"Finn?" Derek asked, looking straight ahead and not at her.

She shook her head, brushing aside thoughts of caring, sweet Finn. Finn, whom she had pushed away because she knew she was too far beyond scary and damaged to be with such a good man. "No, just some guy. Friend of a friend." As soon as the last words were out of her mouth she realized how ironic they were.

"Oh," Derek said, and the slight hurt in his voice wasn't very Just Friends-like.

Which was ridiculous, she told herself. Because Derek was married. Derek had a wife. Derek went home every night and had sex with gorgeous Addison, so why shouldn't she have someone of her own? Why should he make her feel guilty?

She silently crossed her arms and neither of them talked until Derek stepped off at his floor and gave her a halfhearted wave goodbye.

She knew Derek still cared about her, somewhere secret. She also knew it would destroy him if he ever found out about her Very Bad Habit.

And so she was going to stop it. Soon. Very soon. Maybe tonight. Or… well… tomorrow would be better, probably. Or maybe after the weekend. Yeah.

- - - - -

Izzie plopped her lunch tray down next to Meredith's with a flourish. "So I just scrubbed in on McSteamy's facial reconstruction."

"Was it awesome? Did you rip the guy's skin off?" Cristina asked eagerly.

"Yeah. But Sloan was kind of… hitting on me."

"What?" Meredith immediately straightened.

Izzie shrugged as she bit into her sandwich. "At first I thought it was nothing, but then he kept making these little comments. And he kept touching my arm afterwards when we were talking in the hall. And then… wait till you hear this."

"What?" Cristina asked, leaning forward to hear.

"Dr. Shepherd – She-Shepherd, I mean – grabbed me and pulled me into a room, and she started going on and on about how I had to watch myself because McSteamy was apparently a big playboy back in New York. She said he was always screwing around with the nurses and interns, and she didn't want me to get involved with him."

"She's one to talk," Meredith muttered, feeling slightly sick at the thought of Mark flirting with Izzie.

Not that she cared.

"Seriously, I know. And she said he can be very persuasive. Number one, who does she think she is to tell me that? And number two, I would never go out with him in a million years." She wrinkled her perfect nose. "He's just… "

"Scary and damaged?" Meredith supplied.

"No. I was going to say overly cocky." Izzie gave her a strange look.

"Maybe Sloan and Shepherd aren't so different after all," Cristina mused, raising an eyebrow at Meredith. "Screwing around with interns? Sound familiar?"

"Shut up." Meredith threw a wadded-up napkin at her friend.

- - - - -

She needed a drink after work, and she needed to be alone. She walked past Joe's and into a small bar further down the street where she figured she wouldn't run into anyone from the hospital.

She was wrong.

She slid onto a barstool and ordered a vodka and tonic.

A voice a little farther down the bar called, "And I'll take another scotch… Meredith?"

She whipped her head around to see McDreamy himself nursing a drink and staring at her incredulously.

"Hi."

"Hi."

She moved down a few seats so she was next to him. "What are you doing here?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing."

"I just didn't feel like running into people," she said.

"Me neither. Joe's is… way too much of a gossip area. And I wasn't ready to go home."

"Is something wrong at home?" she asked carefully.

"Not really. I just… after spending a day with Mark, it's just hard to go home with Addison and not snap at her. She doesn't deserve that anymore. So I thought I would stop for a drink."

She nodded. "It really is hard for you to work with him, isn't it?" she asked.

"Yeah. It's just… so different. The last time we worked together he was my best friend. I would have trusted him with my life," he said bitterly. "And now it's hell."

"It will get better," Meredith said, hoping her words were true.

"It's always been a competition between us," Derek said, looking down into his drink. "Even though we were best friends. All through college, and then in med school, and then as interns. We were always fighting to one-up each other."

"Who usually won?" Meredith asked as she accepted her drink from the bartender.

"With girls, he did," Derek said with a small smile. "Until we met Addison in med school. She and I just… we just clicked, right away. He was so jealous in the beginning, when we both were fighting to get her and she chose me. I thought he got over it, but maybe I should have seen… even then…" he trailed off.

Meredith stayed silent, letting him talk. She couldn't remember the last time he had talked to her so seriously.

"I finished second in our medical class, you know," he said after a moment. "He was third."

"What, you didn't get first?" Meredith asked teasingly.

Derek ran a hand through his hair. "No. That would be Addison," he said wryly.

She nodded. She should have known.

"And with work, Mark and I were always trying to outdo each other," he said after a moment. "I saved lives but he saved faces. We both became the best in our specialties, but that wasn't even enough. We still managed to compete over everything. Who made the most money, who made the biggest difference… everything."

"Do you think that what happened with them – I mean, what they did… do you think it was because he just wanted to take something from you?"

Derek shrugged. "I really don't know. To be honest, I don't even want to know. If his loyalty – if our friendship – meant so little that he would throw it away just to beat me at something, then I don't want to know." He sighed. "If that means that I actually hope he felt something for her, maybe it's twisted, but it's true. I just need some way to explain to myself how my best friend in the world could do something like that."

"It's always the people you love who have the power to hurt you the most," she said softly, and their eyes met for an understanding moment.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."