7. crashing

"Dr. Grey, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Without waiting for an answer, Mark had grabbed her elbow and pulled her into the empty stairwell.

"What is it?" she asked stiffly.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You've been avoiding me."

"No I haven't," she lied, avoiding his eyes.

"I called you the past two nights."

"I've just been passing out after work. You know that I never get any sleep."

"Meredith," he said warningly.

"What?" she snapped.

"Did I do something? Did something happen?"

"Yes, something happened. This. Us. This is sick. This is wrong."

"What the hell are you talking about? Neither of us is married. I'm your boss, but that hasn't stopped anyone in this hospital before."

"You know what I mean," she said with a sigh, looking past him at the window.

"Actually, I don't."

She finally snapped. "You were flirting with Izzie," she hissed. "What, am I not enough for you? Are you screwing around with nurses too?"

His mouth opened slightly in disbelief. "That's why you're mad at me?"

"I'm not mad," she mumbled.

"You're jealous," he said, a slight smile playing on his lips.

"I am not!"

"You are."

"Shut up."

"I didn't mean to flirt with her."

"Sure," she scoffed.

"Meredith," he said, his voice gentler. "I just… that's how I am. I've always been like that. It doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with her."

"Oh," she said, and wondered why she felt so relieved. "Good."

"I just can't believe you were jealous."

"I was not," she repeated stubbornly.

"Whatever you say."

His smile was infuriating her. "Why would I be jealous? It's not like we are anything. It's not like you're my boyfriend or something."

"No, of course not," he said quickly.

They regarded each other for a moment, and she felt a blush creeping up on her cheeks. "I have to go… check on a patient." Oh, the same old excuse.

"Okay," he said. "So… I'll call you tonight. And you'll make my day if you answer this time."

"Fine, fine." She rolled her eyes as she turned.

"I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Seriously," he called after her.

- - - - -

She wasn't stupid. She saw the way he looked at Addison sometimes – like she was his secret high school crush.

She didn't care, she told herself. Because she still had a stupid crush on Derek and his stupid dreamy looks.

But then she saw Mark talking to Olivia, and Olivia was laughing. And even though Meredith kind of liked Olivia, it didn't change the fact that Olivia was kind of a slut.

So was it really so surprising that she found herself glaring at them from across the room?

Mark caught her eye and the laughter died on his lips.

Twenty minutes later, when she was scrubbing in on his surgery, he said in a low voice, "You know, for someone who used to be a dirty mistress, you have a surprising amount of jealousy."

"You were way more of a dirty mistress than I was," she retorted.

"True."

"And I'm not jealous."

"Right."

As he turned away from her, she hated herself for admiring how hot the man was in his scrubs. Even when he was teasing her.

Stupid, stupid surgeons.

She knew that he was just using her to get over Addison.

Just like she was using him to get over Derek.

Right?

Right. Because they were both just scary and damaged and lonely.

She knew, deep down, that eventually everyone would find out.

She just wasn't prepared for the millions of little catastrophes that exploded when they did.