Disclaimer: We do not own the Thunderbirds. No money was made off this endeavor.
NO GREATER LOVE
By: GrumpyMagrat and Magratconvert
"God's finger touched him, and he slept." – Alfred, Lord Tennyson
"Whom the gods love dies young." – Menander
Chapter 3: Alan's Reaction
The flight to Thunderbird 5 had been technologically normal, which was a good thing since Alan's mind was definitely not on his flying. He stepped through the air lock and found his brother in the command center. John had been very clipped when he gave Alan permission to dock which only added to Alan's anxiety.
"John, are you ready to go?" Alan asked.
"Uhm… give me another five minutes." John replied.
Alan heard a hitch in John's voice and noticed that John seemed to be avoiding eye contact with him. "You know something. Don't you?" Alan said.
"Like what?" John countered while continuing to flip switches.
"Like what happened on the rescue." Alan began. "Like why dad wants us all on the island. Like why I'm purposely being kept in the dark. Come on. Tell me what's going on."
John sighed and met Alan eye to eye for the first time. He began to explain. "Look, I heard a few remarks over the air waves. I talked to dad, but he could not confirm anything until Thunderbird 2 got home. So let's just go so we can get home."
John moved toward the air lock, but Alan blocked his way. "That's not good enough." Alan said angrily. "You know more than you're saying. I can see it in your face. You could at least give me an idea of what is going on."
John paused to carefully choose his words. "Look Alan. Dad wanted to check his facts and then he wants to talk to both of us face to face. That's why I'm going home."
Alan exploded. "That's bullshit! You know that dad wouldn't be calling you home if he wasn't reasonably sure that things were bad. I'm not a child anymore, John. I don't need my daddy to hold my hand when he breaks bad news to me. Just tell me!"
"I can't!" John said trying to keep his own anger in check. "Dad asked me not to say anything. He wants to be able to tell you himself. Actually he wanted to tell both of us, but I just happened to find out by accident. Now let's get going."
"Oh, that's right," Alan continued his angry tirade. "When you don't want to tell me something, you just start giving orders. You all do it. You just expect 'Baby Alan' to follow blindly. Well not this time, John. I want to know what is going on and I want to know NOW!"
John's anger finally exploded. "I already told you that I couldn't tell you anything! Now if you don't get yourself on Thunderbird 3 right this instance, I will hog-tie you and drag your sorry butt on board. It's your choice baby brother." The look on John's face plainly showed that he would brook no further arguments from Alan.
Alan stared defiantly at John for a moment before he backed down. "Screw you John." He said as he headed toward the air lock.
John hesitated for a moment. He could fully understand Alan's frustration. It didn't seem fair that everyone else knew, but he could also understand his father's desire to break the news to him. He knew that their father wanted to break it as gently as possible and be there to support him. John knew how he felt when he heard some stranger announce on the news that one of his brothers was dead. John sighed and headed through the air lock.
As John entered Thunderbird 3, he stopped short when he spotted Alan on the couch in the passenger compartment staring at the wall with anger still written all over his face. "Don't you want to fly?" He asked his brother.
Alan continued to stare at the wall but in a very sarcastic tone answered. "Oh no, John. I'm just 'the baby'. I can't be trusted with something as important as flying a Thunderbird."
Even though he understood Alan's frustration, John was getting tired of being Alan's whipping boy. "Fine. Have it your way. Strap yourself in. We'll be un-docking in about five minutes." He continued on into the cockpit where he found Tin-Tin.
Tin-Tin glanced at John and then behind him. She got a confused look on her face. "Where's Alan?"
"He is in the back." John answered. "He's mad."
Tin-Tin gave John an appraising look. She could tell there was definitely more behind that short sentence. "Should I go talk to him?"
John flipped some switches as he began the pre-flight procedures. "Let's take off and then you can go keep him company."
A few minutes later Thunderbird 3 was on her way back to earth. Tin-Tin headed back to the passenger compartment leaving John alone with his sad thoughts.
Tin-Tin joined Alan on the couch. "Alan, what happened between you and John?" She asked.
Alan looked at Tin-Tin. His eyes softened as he drank in her beauty. He reached over and took her hand. "It's simple really. John knows what is going on, but he won't tell me."
"Did he give you a reason why he wouldn't tell you?" She continued.
Alan sighed. "He told me that dad wanted to talk to me after he double checks the validity of the reports that have surfaced."
"And why does that bother you?" She pressed. "They just want to make sure that they have all their facts before upsetting you."
"But by not telling me anything, my mind is just running wild with different scenarios." Alan explained. "After seeing the way that Scott, Dad and now John are acting, one scenario keeps pushing to the front of my mind. I don't even want to think about that possibility."
Tin-Tin gave Alan's hand a squeeze. "Well, we'll be home shortly. Virgil and Gordon should be back by then and we will find out what's going on."
Alan put an arm around Tin-Tin and pulled her to him. "Thanks for being here Tin-Tin. I just hope that my fears are unfounded."
"I do too." Tin-Tin thought, but she didn't voice her own concerns.
Virgil found his brother in Thunderbird 1's silo, leaning against the wall looking at Thunderbird 1, but not really seeing her. They all had their special spots to go to when they were upset. Virgil's thoughts ran to how different they were. Scott came to see his 'bird. Alan went to the bluffs. He played the piano or went to his art studio. John stared at the stars or read books about stars. Gordon swam…Well he did before…
Virgil blinked back his tears, instead turning his attention to his oldest brother. "Hey Scott," He said.
Scott just gave Virgil a small nod of acknowledgement.
Virgil leaned against the wall next to Scott. "Are you going to be all right?"
"I don't know." Scott answered. "Maybe, but at this point in time, I don't see how."
"Dad wants to debrief before Alan and John get home." Virgil said.
Scott brushed his hand over his face. "I can't. I can't talk to dad. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I have this intense anger towards him. I can't explain it. I guess maybe my sub-conscious needs to blame someone and it chose him. I know it's not rational, but until I can bring myself under control, I think it's just better if I stay away."
"Then tell me what happened." Virgil said. "At least enough so I can explain to John and Alan. They deserve to know."
Scott nodded. "You're right. They deserve to know." In a quiet voice Scott began to explain what had occurred with Mitchner.
Jeff sat at his desk staring silently at his hands. John had called in a few minutes before to let him know that they were about twenty minutes out. He had called Virgil and asked that he and Scott meet him in the lounge. He was startled when the eyes on Lady Penelope's portrait began to flash. He keyed the vid-link and Penny's beautiful face appeared.
"Jeff, darling, Parker says that we are on final approach. Requesting landing clearance." Penny said.
Jeff was confused. "Final approach? To the island?"
"Yes Jeff." Penny said. She was concerned by the worn look on Jeff's face. "We have a business meeting scheduled with Shawn Douglass on Friday. I came a few days early so that we can go over the proposition before the meeting."
Jeff nodded. "I'm sorry. It slipped my mind. Go ahead and land, and then come to the lounge. We've had an…incident. I need to explain it to everyone."
A few minutes later Virgil walked into the lounge.
"Where's Scott?" Jeff asked when he realized that Virgil was alone.
"He went for a walk on the beach." Virgil replied.
"Did you talk to him? Did you tell him that I needed the details to give John and Alan?" Jeff pressed.
"Yes, I did talk to him." Virgil began to explain. "He explained some of his feelings to me, and I agree with his decision to distance himself for a while."
"But we need to deal with this together…as a family." Jeff interrupted.
"I'll keep an eye on him. I won't let him isolate himself for too long." Virgil countered. "Right now, you'll need to trust us that this is the right decision."
"But what am I going to tell John and Alan?" Jeff asked.
Virgil sighed. "Scott gave me the facts. I can tell them. I can't think of any questions that I can't answer, but if they come up with any we can check with Scott later."
"You shouldn't have to tell them. Tell me and I'll do it." Jeff said.
Virgil shook his head. "No, I think it would be harder if I had to listen to you repeat the story. It was hard enough to listen to Scott tell me. I'd rather do the telling."
"Are you sure?" Jeff questioned. "I feel like I'm putting you in a bad position. After all, this is my doing."
"No, it's not." Virgil argued. "I told you that before. Now I want you to really pay attention. We all knew the dangers when we joined International Rescue. You didn't force any of us to join against our will. The only, and I mean only person responsible is Mitchner. He's the one who pulled the trigger."
Before either Jeff or Virgil could say anymore, Penny walked into the lounge. She took in both Jeff's and Virgil's despondent looks. "Jeff dear, you look dreadful. What has happened? Did one of the boys get injured?"
Just then the eyes of John's portrait lit up. Jeff keyed the vid-link, and John's face appeared. "We are on final approach, Dad." John said. "Requesting permission to land."
"Permission granted." Jeff replied. "And John, forget about the post-flight checks. We'll do that later. I want you three to come directly to the lounge."
"F-A-B, we'll see you in a few minutes." John said as he disconnected the link.
Lady Penelope's concern was growing. Whatever had happened must be really bad for Jeff to depart from standard procedures regarding the Thunderbirds. "Jeff?" She questioned.
Jeff looked at her, but turned away quickly. "I would like to wait until the rest of them get here. I only want to do this once."
Penny nodded. She swore that she had seen tears in Jeff's eyes before he turned away. She settled herself in one of the chairs. The vacant couch disappeared and she knew that it would be replaced momentarily with the group from Thunderbird 3. She watched the two Tracys that were in the lounge. Virgil stood at the windows looking out over the ocean, seemingly ignoring everyone in the room. Jeff sat at his desk holding his head in his hands. The couch re-appeared with John, Alan and Tin-Tin on it. She began to wonder about the other island occupants. Kyrano was probably in the kitchen or in his garden. Brains was probably in his lab. That left Scott, Gordon and Grandma missing. "Oh dear God," She silently prayed. "Please don't let it be that something happened to Grandma."
When the couch finally came to a stop, Alan jumped up and began angrily. "Ok, John's home. I'm home. Now will someone please tell me what the hell is going on?"
"Alan, please sit down." Jeff said. "We need to discuss something that happened on the last rescue. Something that affects this family directly."
Tin-Tin stood up from the couch. "I should go find my father."
Jeff held up his hand to stop her. "No, Tin-Tin, please stay. You're family too, you too Penny."
Tin-tin and Penny both nodded their heads. Alan however sat back down in a huff. "Let's get this over with. What happened? Did our covers get blown? Where are Scott and Gordon?"
Jeff held up a hand to silence his youngest son. "Alan please, just let us explain. You were here when we talked about Mitchner being paranoid, right?"
Alan nodded his head silently.
Jeff continued. "Well apparently he has grown worse over the years. He…" Jeff stopped and cleared his throat and tried again. "After Mitchner and three other people were rescued, he…he…" Again he stopped as his throat seemed to close off.
Virgil took over the story at this point. "Mitchner accused Gordon of stealing some classified files."
"Steal? Gordon? That's outrageous!" Alan fumed.
Virgil sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "You know that, and I know that, but Mitchner was adamant. By the time we got back to the surface with the mole, Scott had arranged for a meeting with a police officer, Mitchner, Gordon and himself. They met at mobile control while I took care of the other passengers. According to what Scott told me, Mitchner was insistent that Gordon be arrested for stealing the files."
Alan abruptly stood up. "Arrested! Gordon was arrested? We have to help him!" Turning toward his dad, he continued his rant. "Did you call your attorney? How are we going to keep his identity a secret? Why are you just sitting here? Let's get going. Gordon needs us."
"Alan, sit down." Jeff ordered. "Gordon was not arrested."
"Not arrested?" Alan said. He knew things were going to get worse, but he tried to push those thoughts from his mind.
Virgil picked up the story again. "No, he wasn't arrested. The police officer said that there was no proof that a crime was even committed let alone that Gordon committed it. Scott said that Mitchner went nuts. He accused Scott of buying off the cop."
"Scott said?" Alan interrupted. "Where is Scott? Why isn't he here telling the story?"
"He needed some time to himself." Virgil replied. "Please let me finish."
Alan got sarcastic again. "Forgive me. I didn't know that it was a sin to ask questions. Do continue Virgil."
"Alan," Jeff gave that one word of admonishment. He gestured to Virgil to continue.
Virgil nodded and continued the story. "Anyways, Mitchner left complaining and making threats, but Scott figured that he was just blowing hot air. He was finishing things with the cop and Gordon was breaking down mobile control when Mitchner returned with a gun."
Alan couldn't help himself. "A gun? Please don't tell me…" Alan knew that Scott was physically alright because he saw him earlier, but he hadn't seen Gordon. His fears forced their way to the surface. "Dad, where's Gordon?" He could see his father and brothers fighting their emotions. Quietly he said. "Please, I need to know."
Jeff couldn't meet his son's eyes. "He's…He's down in the infirmary." Jeff said.
"It's bad. Isn't it?" Alan asked, still not wanting to face the one fear that kept yelling in his mind.
This time all Jeff could do was nod his head. Alan looked toward John for confirmation. He saw John brush some tears from his face. "I have to go to him. He needs to know that I'm there for him."
"No Alan, you need to let me finish." Virgil said.
Alan gave Virgil a small nod even though he was dreading the words that he knew were coming.
Virgil took a deep breath and tried to steady his voice. "Scott said he didn't even realize that Mitchner had returned. Apparently Gordon saw him and shouted out a warning and pushed Scott out of the way." Virgil's voice cracked and tears started to escape his eyes. "Gordon was hit. Scott called me for help, but…" Virgil clenched and unclenched his fists. "I'm sorry, Alan. By the time I got there Gordon was already gone."
"Gone?" Alan whispered. "You mean that he's…"
"Gordon's dead." This time it was Jeff's tear filled voice that answered him. "I'm so sorry, Alan. I know how close you two were."
Alan's eyes narrowed. "You knew all this when Scott got back, but you didn't tell me? Instead you sent me on an errand."
"Not exactly," Jeff tried to explain. "I only knew that Gordon had been killed, but Scott was so upset that he has refused to talk to me. As a matter of fact, this is the first time that I'm hearing the details."
Alan ignored his dad and swung around to face John. "And you… you knew about it too, but you didn't say anything."
Tears flowed freely down John's face. "I'm sorry, Alan. I couldn't say anything."
Jeff interrupted. "Don't blame John. I asked him not to say anything."
Alan swung back and continued his tirade. "And we all follow your orders blindly, right? Can you imagine how I'm feeling right now? My brother, my closest brother, was killed over three hours ago, and nobody told me. But after all, it's just Alan, the baby. He's always the last to be told. To hell with his feelings."
Jeff tried to placate his young son. "I'm sorry Alan. I never meant for you to feel this way. I didn't mean to shut you out. I needed to get the details. Plus I intended to tell you and John at the same time, but he happened to hear a news report about it."
"A news report?" Alan asked incredulously. "So the whole world knew it before me? How did a reporter find out anyhow?"
"We don't know." Jeff said. "But somehow one found out."
Suddenly the fight seemed to leave Alan. He asked again. "Where's Gordon? I need to see him. Please."
"He's in the infirmary." Jeff said. "Brains has taken care of the body while I make the final arrangements."
Without another word, Alan left the lounge.
Virgil was the first to speak. "I'm worried about him. Do you think that he will be ok?"
Jeff sighed. "I hope so, but it will take time. Even though he is angry with us right now, we need to be there for him. This is going to be hard on all of us. We need to be there for each other. I'm not sure what else to say at this moment. You can go, but remember, anytime you want to talk, my door is always open."
Slowly the group left the room, each heading off to their quiet place of solitude.
In the sickroom, Alan sat next to his brother's body. Even seeing Gordon with his own eyes didn't make it real to him. "It's a dream." He thought. "It has to be a horrible, terrifying dream. I'll wake up and everything will be normal. Gordon will be in the pool doing laps or hiding out after pulling a prank." As quickly as the thought ran through his mind, he knew that he was deceiving himself. A part of him wanted to take Gordon's hand to try to draw some small form of comfort from it, but another part knew that he would get no comfort from his brother's cold, stiff, dead body.
"Oh Gordy," Alan finally spoke out loud. "How did this happen? It was so senseless. The rescue was over. Your job was done. You should have been safe." As Alan talked his voice took on a tone of anger. He moved to stand next to the bed. He stared at his brother's deceptively peaceful face. "Why? Why did you take the bullet for Scott? You're not superman Gordon. The bullets won't bounce off. How could you have been so careless?"
"You would have done the same thing, Alan." Tin-Tin's quiet voice came from the direction of the doorway.
Alan turned toward the voice. "Tin-Tin, what are you doing here?"
"I came to check on you." She replied. "Your family is worried about you. They know that this is extremely hard on you considering how close you and Gordon always were."
"Oh yeah, they sure know how to show their concern." Alan said sarcastically.
Tin-Tin gently placed her hand on Alan's shoulder. "I'm not going to try to convince you that their decisions were correct, but just remember, right or wrong, they did what they thought was best. They're not perfect, but they do love you."
Alan just gave her a snort of disgust.
"Alan, please," Tin-tin begged. "Talk to me. I want to help."
Alan took Tin-Tin's hands in his own. "I don't know what to say. This is a nightmare. I don't even know how to explain what I'm feeling. I'm angry. I'm angry at dad for sending him out. I'm angry at Scott and Virgil for not protecting him. I'm angry at John for not telling me. I'm angry at Gordon for putting himself in harm's way. I'm angry at myself for not being there for him. Maybe if I had gone along, things may have turned out differently."
"There's no way to know that." Tin-Tin interjected. "You can't beat yourself up about this. This is not your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault."
Alan nodded. "I know that my anger is irrational…but then again, maybe it's not. Isn't anger one of the 'Five Steps to Acceptance'?"
Tin-Tin nodded her head. "Yes, it is. It's step 2, right after denial. Followed by bargaining and depression, finally followed by acceptance."
Alan gave Tin-Tin a small smile. "Well, I've already done the denial and now the anger. There's no bargaining with this. It's happened. There's no changing it. So I guess all I have to work through is 'depression' and then I'll reach acceptance."
Tin-Tin moved her hand to the back of Alan's neck and gently ran her fingers through the back of his hair. "I think you're already there. Stages can overlap or get mixed up. It's not an exact science. People all react differently."
"You're right." Alan responded. "Sometimes it's like you know me better than I know myself. What'd you do? Take a course in 'Alan Psych 101'?"
Tin-Tin smiled at his attempt at levity. "No, but when you love someone like I love you, you learn how to read that person."
Alan's face sobered again and he whispered. "God, Tin-Tin, I don't know how to deal with this."
Tin-Tin saw him wipe away a few tears that had escaped his eyes. She gently brushed her hand over his cheek. "Oh Alan, go ahead and cry if you feel like it. Nobody will think badly of you, I promise."
Alan shook his head. "That's not it." He said as a few more tears fell.
"Then what is it?" Tin-Tin asked.
Alan took a deep breath and tried to explain. "I'm afraid…afraid that if I…if I allow myself to cry that I…that I won't be able to stop." More tears forced themselves from Alan's eyes.
Tin-Tin pulled Alan into an embrace. "I hate seeing you in so much pain, Alan. I wish I could change it.'
"I know.' Alan mumbled into her shoulder. "Thank you for being here for me."
As much as he fought it, more tears managed to fall. Alan felt an arm circle around his back and a cheek rest against the back of his head. He didn't have to look to know that it was Scott. He assumed that Scott's other arm was around Tin-Tin, embracing them both. Scott didn't say anything but just held them. Alan tried to reign in his tears until he realized that Scott was trembling and that the back of his head was getting damp. The realization that Scott was crying opened the floodgates of Alan's tears.
"Oh God, how are we going to go on without him?" Alan cried, his tears falling in earnest. "I miss him already."
"I know. I do too." Scott whispered hoarsely.
The three remained in their embrace providing support and comfort to each other.
