The history of goblins is a recording of an entire civilization. Abbreviating the existence of a race as old as wizarding culture to a mere referential note in a secondary literature compilations is a crime. However, in due observance of the powers to which wizards are subservient, and the fact of a bet being a bet, this will be an incredible work of literary mastery: succinctly describing the biology of goblins in less than a thirty page manuscript.
To begin, goblins are an ancient folk. Earliest records (see: Historic Interactions by Sir Frederick Umbulkirk, 1678;and Disputes Among Sub-Human Races by Samuel Fre-Umbridge, 1463) prior to the Greco-Roman civilizations make consistent mentionings of the eifrit or pūtam, a race of diminutive folk with long ears, short tempers, and a willingness to barter metal goods for textiles. Translations continue describing pūtam as "… a moste hairey peoples, without higene or sence of decency." (sic) Special care is referred to the pūtam's refusal to emerge from their caves in full sunlight, preferring instead to invite visitors within elaborate caverns for business deals (Chpt. 13, Black Marketeers, by H. Aitchsen, 1387).
Putting aside millennia of military histories, treaties and commentaries, the goblin race may be subdivided into four broad categories. In the vernacular, these are the common goblin (Cobalus callidus), hobgoblin (Cobalus muta), dweomer-goblin (Cobalus magicae), and the much belittled Schwächling goblin (Cobalus miserablis). Each category may be subdivided into dozens of species, but with each capable of interbreeding, maintaining an overarching compendium is reserved for larger organizations. Regional differences are subtle at first, but become obvious to even the untrained eye.
Initial observations may be best served with the common goblin. Older texts refer to them as eifrit, translated roughly as 'bad smell.' Unlike many other species, the earliest eifrit encounters originate in the Germanic realms, with suggestions of early Russo-Mongol interactions. Physiological studies performed on these encounters demonstrate poor tolerance to sunlight, dexterous fingers, strength disproportionate to their size and a clever intellect (Goblin Studies, Department of Mysteries, 878).
Where wizards are capable of utilizing magic through focus mediums such as wands and staves, goblins are prevented from doing so through both treaty and capacity. Gems and metals are their foci of choice, due to the innate power such items contain. The existence of ley lines remains in debate, but there is little doubt that certain geographic positions are unusually high in magic. The famed Redwood forest in the Colonies, Great Barrier Reef in Australia and of course, Teutonberg Forest in Germany are such places. Arguments aside, mountain ranges appear to absorb some of these qualities, burying magic deep within their roots, assisting the formation of precious metals and gemstones (Wandless Magic, by Caliph Benjamin, 1799).
These magical reservoirs are essential for goblin health, for the dweomer-goblin in particular. Wizards are able to live in regions without such a magical surplus due to their inherent nature.
Take, for example, a place utterly without magic, where the plants and animals are utterly devoid of that thaumic potential. For this example we shall use Kamchatka Peninsula of Eastern Russia.
A goblin, in such a place, would waste away to skin and bones. Their metabolism would ensure a prolonged life, but under the circumstances, this would be a few years at most. It is for this reason that Kamchatka, Norway and Denmark have been dwarven strongholds. Of the three, Kamchatka is the only location without magic; but Norway and Denmark hold a magic different from the other realms. There is great reason behind the Nordic Battle-mages – but this is departing from this note's stated purpose.
Cobalus callidus are carnivores, modern civilizations relying on subterranean breeding chambers for their main succor. Mushrooms, rich in the nutrition missing in a pure-meat diet, comprise the rest of the goblin diet. Various lichens, root vegetables and animals captured or purchased from the surface augment the goblin diet. Since the advent of muggle industry there have been several scandals involving mass production facilities and goblin-based economics, but such things will, again, not be within the enforced limitations. For further information, please refer to Goblin Treaties of the 20th Century, by Greyson Lord, 1999.
C. callidus visually appears to be a deformed wizard, short of stature and discolored in the extreme. The head is of a larger proportion than a wizard's, with ears reminiscent of a nocturnal flying mammal (see: Bats: Vampyric Variations and their antecedents, by Prof. Burger et al, 1644). The skin color may vary according to region; the forest-dwelling variants (nocturnal inhabitants preferring arboreal terrestrial hunting grounds) possess a green-tinted skin, which may be kept in the hide afterwards with careful treatment (Goblin Hunting and Preservation Techniques, by Ozymandis the Great, 1218).
While in truth the hands and feet of C. callidus are of a smaller nature on average, their dexterity is on par with skilled artisans. Whether this is due to a natural benefit or a practiced trait is unknown. Wizards of other cultures are understood to retain traits uncommon in general society, such as the night-vision capabilities utilized by the aboriginal wizards in Australia, or the formidable resistance to toxins known to exist in Pureblood society in Russia. Among C. callidus, this dexterity is required for operating such tools as the schneider, gravieren and verein. Each implement requires a modicum of wandless magic, without which an individual will lose a limb.
C. callidus also have an eye for detail. Low tolerance for bright lighting prevents their operating on the surface for many reasons, but the more clever representatives of the species have created workaround materials in that regard. Smoked glass, complex lotions and full-body clothing assist in this manner.
Moving on; Hobgoblins (C. muta) are native to the further eastern regions. The Ural mountains are a stronghold for their kind, and the only place where a wizard may encounter one without immediate death presenting itself as a possibility. Unlike C. callidus, C. muta are utterly without civilization, barely better than animals. Their behavior closely resembles that of trolls, with whom it has been observed interbreeding (Nauseating Observations, by Patr Onus the Unhealthy, 1979), which has led to the hypothesis of troll being just another form of goblin (see: Theories Etc., Vol. 14, issue 37, Dec. 1792 and Eccentric Old Blood, by Crabbe and Goyle Esq., 1490). Compatibility between goblins and wizards, as well as trolls and wizards has been proven; ergo it is of little matter to continue through such useless speculation.
Suffice to say that C. muta are nigh two stone larger than the C. callidus, with darker skin and protruding teeth. C. muta are renown for vicious attacks with primitive weapons, their shamans wielding primal forces rather than refined magics. As such, defenses against such an assault remain simple to this day, and can be stipulated in three steps:
Listen to the ground.
If the drums are active, stay inside protected domiciles, and alert authorities.
Do not leave cheese outside for any reason whatsoever.
These rules help wizards avoid the majority of all C. muta attacks. Such interactions are the equivalent of a 'coming of age' ritual, where the young attain the age of majority. Traditional-minded wizards give their youth a proper watch, but C. muta take their youth on a hunting trip. Anything observed is fair game; the more dangerous the prey, the greater the youth shall be, according to hobgoblin lore (Legends and sayings of the hob, by Vayne the Second, 1672). Dairy products are a prized commodity, for reasons that shall not be explained.
Dweomer goblins (Cobalus magicae) are a reclusive race, far more so than the C. callidus or C. muta. Battles waged by ancient wizards pitted their prestidigitation against the foul powers of the underworld. Soul magic, such as is known in this day and age, was the core of the C. magicae abilities. Sacrifices gathered massive power sources, abjuring the evocation effects of an entire wizard's tower in the hands of a single goblin. The battles waged between dwarven (Iratus fortis) and C. magicae forces are a matter of legend, decimating dwarven populations for centuries afterward at the cost of nearly all of the C. magicae population (Dwarf Annals, by Yascha Heifitz, 1512).
One popular practice once used by the C. magicae in the 900s Dwarven-Goblin wars was to kidnap human children for the use of sacrifices. Presenting the loss of potential granted each (redacted) with an order of magnitude equivalent (redacted) (White Magic in Dark Hands, by Lord Harold Houdini, 1945). Rephrased, a small population could inflict the same damage as a nation, at the (redacted) cost of their best and brightest young. Sacrificing the young of other species ameliorated such a thing, but was understandably frowned upon by the surrounding civilizations (Sacrifices of Sub-Humans, by Sir Sew Light, 1032; Secrets of Transcendence, by E.W. Ino, 1011).
The last species to consider is the Schwächling goblin (Cobalus miserablis). This variety is despised by all other goblin races, and wizarding world as well. Universal loathing is one of the few points upon which finds both goblin and wizard in unanimous agreement. Ancient times records vast swarms of C. miserablis founding nests throughout the world; accelerated reproduction and growth ensured a near myriad source of the creatures.
C. miserablis were the weakest of all goblin subtypes, standing little taller than house elves (Dryadalis domum) and of little magical power. In proportions they matched the C. callidus, large heads and small bodies all, dexterous fingers, but with a light green skin pigment. If one were to kill a single schwächling, they would eliminate nothing. If a single specimen were observed, it was counted as a rule that a dozen more were waiting in the shrubbery. If two were observed, the number thought to be in hiding tripled.
In time, the C. miserablis populationsgrew to such numbers that they raided towns and villages with impunity. Certain Dark Lords swayed the weak-minded species into servitude, forming hordes of expendable spell-fodder at the cost of a few herds and a town. Goblins themselves were targeted by the C. miserablis, proving the suicidal tendencies and minimal thought processes available to the miniature monsters.
The Council of Execution in 785 AD, one of the last cooperative agreements between goblin and wizard realms, made the decision to eliminate the C. miserablis subspecies completely. This resulted in a centuries-long eradication effort, and what some feel to only deepen the antipathy between wizard and goblin (Scuffles and Squabbles, by Majister Leader of Miss, 2012). There have been no sightings of the C. miserablis in over five centuries, a promising sign indeed.
Final references need to be made to significant goblin species thus far not mentioned. This species is only known as the orc, a human-goblin hybrid blending the worst attributes of wizard and goblin in a single unholy entity. The orc hordes during the Roman period became infamous for lethal tactics, durability and incredible focus. While associated mainly with what would later become known as the Visigoth and Vandal hordes, the orc armies walked openly under the sun long before the Germanic muggle entities built up similar forces.
No one knows the original mind behind the creation of orcs. Studies conducted by the best mages employed by the Romans indicated artificial conditions required for their creation, and a sterile condition inherent within the orcs themselves (Fifth Legion Fulminatas Reports, 201 AD). Given the lifespan of an orc, measured in centuries, it is possible their source of creation was destroyed long before the last horde swept across Northern Africa in the late 600s AD. To this day, any sighting of an orc or orc-like specimen is of highest priority, on par with the knowledge of a basilisk or dragon incursion.
With thanks to Arch-Chancellor Coomb of the Plumbum Singularity Order, and to Prince Slyther in the Potentate of Serpentine, and from the bottom of my heart, I adjure you to not make a bet with one Charles Levinhand, lest you too be obliged to create a compendium ignoring the greatest of sources. I remain your humble servant,
Prof. Cuthbert Binns, Mea. Resident Officialis, Spectral Specialist and Master of Divination
