The gang emerged in Koenma's office with Mary still firmly attached to Yusuke's hand. As Botan closed the portal she shot an apologetic glance to Koenma. The Reikai prince was in his toddler form, almost hidden behind a stack of papers on his desk. His chief oni, Jorge, stood to his right. Both were surprised to see a new addition to the group of tantei that had just arrived.

"Botan, who is this," Koenma began, but was cut off by a shrill, shrieking voice.

"Diaper-toddler-sama-chan-daioh!" squealed Mary, releasing Yusuke's hand. The detective stepped back in an effort to distance himself from the girl(?).

Koenma stared at the stranger with a mix of morbid curiosity and plain old 'huh' written on his face. He glanced at Jorge in confusion. The oni leaned down and whispered into Koenma's ear, "I think it's a Mary Sue, Koenma, sir."

"Oh no. This is terrible. I can't have a Mary Sue tagging along on this mission. It's too important!" Koenma whined. "Ogre, why aren't you concerned?"

"Oh, we ogres don't really mind Mary Sues. They never even bother to notice us. It's the rest of you that have to worry." Jorge replied, returning to his standing position. Koenma just shot him a dirty look and the turned to address his detectives and the...guest.

"Yusuke, Kuwabara, Kurama, Hiei, I had a vitally important case for you. A portal key was stolen, and I wanted you to retrieve it before the thief had a chance to use it. It appears, however, that it has already been activated."

"And what does that mean, Koenma?" Kurama asked in a calm voice, grateful that Mary had not yet begun blathering. She seemed too preoccupied with staring around the office in awe to speak. Yet.

"Well, as you know, portals are used to travel between worlds. Some portals can be used to travel between dimensions as well. For example, we use a certain type of portal to send you between Demon, Human, and Spirit Worlds. Another type of portal is used to transport the souls of the dead from their once-living bodies to this hall of judgment. There is another type of portal, very similar to that last one, that can be used to travel between fandoms. Our world is a fandom. There are many parallel fandoms out there that exist completely independently of our reality. Some strange and often terrible things exist in these worlds, and importing one to our dimension may have unthinkable effects."

"Strange and terrible things?" Kuwabara repeated. "Like what?"

Koenma shifted his gaze to the still-distracted Mary Sue. "You can probably guess," was the only verbal response he gave. The team looked at the girl, sudden realization dawning on them.

Mary happened to look at her new companions at that same moment. Seeing them all staring at her, she naturally assumed that they needed her unbelievable power to aid them in their crisis. Unencumbered by reason, sense, or manners, she began speaking relentlessly.

"Well, we are ready for our mission Koenma-chan-sir-kun. Together my beloveds and me will save all three worlds and restore peace to them! Of course, they could never hope to defeat the evil demons without my special help!" Mary said with utter confidence.

"There are no evil demons, and for the last time, you are a human! You have no demon powers!" Yusuke snapped.

"Oh my love, that may be my cover, my secret identity. But my powers are so well masked that even you cannot detect them," Mary said gleefully.

"And apparently your intellect is as effectively masked, as well," Hiei spat.

"Ah ha. I need to prove myself. Let me show you my most gentlest power. I have, of course, been able to use all of my powers since before I was born with no training at all because of my inborn strength and kitsune heritage. I'm a mazoku to. And I am so beautiful that I have the power to spellbind my victims into speechlessness."

With this Mary let go of Yusuke's hand and performed a complex, formless, off-balance, and completely pointless series of intricate maneuvers which included, but was not limited to, hopping, twirling, stumbling, falling, tripping, jumping, and wiggling her rather large rear end and which culminated in a pose even the Great Saiyaman never imagined. In response, everyone present stared, mouths agape, at the display of...something they had just witnessed.

"See. You are all beyond speech or comprehension. And that was most basicist power! I have so many more. I can use a rose whip and a katana. I have a spirit gun, but it's a rapid fire, semi-automatic spirit gun with laser guided, heat seeking spirit bullets. I have a spirit sword, but that is so simple I mastered it before I was even born and have surpassed it since only bakas use it. I can transform, I can fly, I can shoot lasers from my eyes and bolts of lightening from my arse. I am very well versed in wand magick and can perform a bat-bogey jinx like you have never seen b4, and so many more! Well, to show you the full extent of my powers would probably shock you all into a comma since I am stronger than all of you combined. I'm even stronger then infinity-plus-one!" Mary bragged.

"Shocked into a comma?" Kuwabara muttered under his breath. "Yeah, we'd all become punctuation by her showing off all those 'powers' of hers! What a twit."

"What was that, Kuwabaka?" Mary shrieked, a full octave higher than her nonsensical speech. Immediately she launched into another round of name-calling and insults.

Kuwabara sinmply stood in front of her softly repeating to himself, "I can't punch girls; it's against my code of honor. I can't punch girls; it's against my code of honor." over and over.

"I'm afraid I have to amend your mission now," Koenma said softly to the three detectives before him, careful not to draw attention. Making sure that Mary was still busy berating Kuwabara, the demigod continued. "The key is no longer able to be used. It will have to regain its energy in the Reikai vault first, and so it is no longer a threat. But now we need to find a way to banish the Mary Sue it unleashed into our world."

"Fine," snarled Hiei drawing his katana.

"No! Hiei!" Koenma interjected. "Mary Sue is still considered a human. For any of you three to take her life would result in either a life sentence in Reikai prison or execution. Were it up to me, I would kill her myself. But my father has put strict sanctions on me since the mazoku incident with Yusuke, and I do not have that option. He would also love an excuse to punish one of you three. He hates that I have selected you as my Reikai Tantei, and this would be the perfect opportunity for him to take that hatred out on you. As much as we hate her, we cannot kill her. Now, Kuwabara, or perhaps Genkai, on the other hand..."

"Oh no, Lord Koenma. Don't you dare!" interjected Botan. When all four faces turned to her the ferry girl elaborated. "If anyone kills here then I have to ferry her soul to Spirit World. Since she is not of our fandom it would take a considerable amount of time to sort out her final destination, and I REFUSE to look after her. If anyone kills her then he will have to answer to me."

"And what kind of threat is that?" scoffed Hiei.

"Do you really want to find out what it means to have the reaper angry with you?" Botan asked in a low and menacing voice. Her eyes bore straight into Hiei's and for once all those present saw the glimmer of death incarnate lurking behind her bubbly, effervescent personality. It was enough to send a shiver down the spines of everyone, even Koenma.

"Okay," the junior lord of hell said with a gulp. "We'll just have to figure out something else. Or more precisely, you will have to figure it out. This is your new mission. Find a way to banish Mary Sue without killing her. And keep her out of trouble while you do! We can't let her run around telling everyone that you are all demons. The disruption would be unimaginable!"

"WHAT? You have to be kidding me!" Yusuke shrieked, almost as annoyingly as Mary Sue.

"I know; this is a daunting task. But I'm afraid it has to be done. Besides, even if you manage to give her the slip, there is only one power that she truly does possess. All Mary Sues possess it. I refer to it as the power of Boomerang. No matter how hard you try to get rid of her, no matter how many times you evade her, a Mary Sue will always come back. You must banish her from the fandom completely. Even then, it's no guarantee. I'm sure you would rather know where she is and what she's doing than to have her burst in on you at an inopportune moment," Koenma reasoned. The three demon detectives looked at the raging girl and carefully considered his words.

"There is some logic in what you have said," Kurama admitted. "But who shall bear the burden of babysitting her? It's getting late, and I do not believe we will make much headway finding a banishment method tonight. One of use will have to baby-sit her overnight," he pointed out.

"That's simple," Botan answered, back to her merry self. "Kuwabara will have to watch her."

All heads turned to the tall carrot top. To his credit, Kuwabara was maintaining himself quite well. He had stopped repeating his mantra banning attacks on females and was now staring at some indiscernible point just above Mary's head with a slack, vacant expression on his face.

"I think he's in his 'happy place' now," Yusuke commented.

"Good. I hope there is vacancy until morning," Koenma said. "Botan is absolutely right. Mary will make every attempt to, um, how should I put this, er, 'jump the bones' of any bishie in sight once she has the opportunity to do so. She's not interested in Kuwabara, but I would fear for any of your wellbeing if you were left alone, or even in couples around her. It's a flaw of all Mary Sues. Even though they are obviously inexperienced in all matters sexual, they insist that they must sleep with every bishonen visible, and at the same time if possible. If she corners you, run and hide! If you thought her grip was strong, you do not want to see her in bed." At the confused look from his team, Koenma offered only this foreboding warning: "Let's just say that even the virgins of the world know more and laugh at her sexual endeavors and inaccuracies."

Each of the detectives paled at this disconcerting information.

Kuwabara was highly displeased when he learned of his task for the evening. He was about to refuse until Botan pulled him aside and explained the matter to him. In the end he grudgingly agreed to be tormented for one night to preserve the virtue, as it were, of his teammates. Mary was not so accommodating.

"But I have to spend the night with my 3 tru luvs!" she whined mercilessly. Finally, in a fit of desperation, Kurama gave Kuwabara an apologetic glance and spoke to Mary in as obvious a stage whisper as he could manage.

"Mary, we know we should consolidate our power around you, but Kuwabara is just a human. He couldn't possibly survive the night without your protection. It's a burden all true heroes have to bear," the fox crooned is the most convincing voice he could muster.

Mary blinked a few times and then sighed. Going so far as to raise a hand to hide her mouth from Kuwabara, she replied in an equally obvious stage whisper, "Yes, I understand. Alas, it is the fate of all the truly powerful to guard the duds of the world. Okay, I'll do it. I'm sure my Jagan that I was born with, but mere mortals like you cannot see, will give me a profetik dream of tomorrow's mission."

Kurama just nodded. Relieved, the three bishonen watched as Botan lead Kuwabara and Mary Sue through a portal to human world.

"We'd better find a way to get rid of her quick," Yusuke mused. The others just nodded.

Once they were back in human world, Kurama and Hiei made their way to the apartment they shared together. Once inside, Kurama slumped to the floor. Small hands pulling at his shirt drew his attention.

Hiei was gently removing his mate's shirt. The hiyoukai had already gathered a soft cloth and a bowl of water. When the garment was removed, Hiei began dabbing at Kurama's shoulder wounds with the damp cloth, pausing often to dip it back into the cool water and wring it out before continuing. Kurama sighed as his lover tended to him.

When Hiei was satisfied that the wound was well cleaned, he put the cloth and bowl in the kitchen sink and returned to urge Kurama into a standing position. Wrapping his arms around the weary fox, he began to lead them towards the bedroom. At the wanton expression on his mate's face, Kurama's features brightened, and he wrapped his arms around the petite form, following its lead.

Once they reached the bedroom, Kurama and Hiei both flopped onto the bed together. Kissing his mate's lips warmly, Kurama began to divest Hiei of his cloak. As the black material slid to the floor, the kitsune's hands began to roam more insistently over the small, muscular body of the fire demon. Soon enough, the cloak's loneliness was ended as it was joined by pants, a tank top, more pants, belts, and socks.

Only partially covered by the sheets, Kurama shifted his nude body on top of Hiei, never breaking their kiss. Pulling back, and using one hand behind his lover's head to keep Hiei's lips firmly attached to his own, Kurama sat up somewhat and slipped a pillow behind Hiei. He had some rather big plans for his mate that night, and he wanted to Hiei to be comfortable as he ravished the smaller body.

When they broke their kiss to breathe, Hiei glanced sideways at the bureau. With a swift wave of his hand, the candles there burst into flame and shed a warm, flickering light over the bedroom. Wasting no more time, he turned back to Kurama, but the fox's face was no longer before his. Hiei did not have time to ponder this absence as a hot, wet tongue began circling his right nipple. He arched his back as lips enclosed the pink nub and teeth began to tease it to life. Entangling his fingers in the red tresses, Hiei gasped and let out a low moan. He could feel the lips smile against his chest as they played with his flesh; a soft, gentle torture that only his fox could create and only his fox could satisfy.

Kurama swirled his tongue around the pert bud a few more times before slowly dragging his mouth across Hiei's chest to pay homage to its twin. Before the first nipple had dried, Kurama's highly dexterous fingers found it and teased it, keeping it sensitized to every tiny movement. As Kurama continued to stimulate Hiei's chest, the hiyoukai found his whole body responding to the touch and becoming aroused. The feel of the soft sheets below him, Kurama's heavier weight on the lower half of his body, the soft, dancing touch of hot tongue and cool fingers, the ever-so-subtle brush of the red strands against his stomach; all of these titillated the demon's senses. The soft rustle of the bedcovers and the harsher sound of Kurama's excited breathing gave Hiei goosebumps as his fingers flexed and curled in the fox's long hair. Kurama's scent, the combination of roses, herbs, human, demon, and purely masculine arousal filled Hiei's nostrils, calling to him like the sound of his own demonic heartbeat. Arching again, Hiei pushed his hips forward, grinding them into Kurama's stomach, seeking more contact, desperate for the connection of body and soul that only true mates could share.

Kurama's breath grew heavier as he pushed his mate to higher and higher levels of pleasure. He knew he could push Hiei over the edge and cause him to climax by this stimulation alone; he had before, many times. But tonight he wanted play a little. He loved to bring Hiei to the brink of release and then gently, almost nurturingly, relax his touch to bring the demon back down. Then he would increase the pace and the pressure again to the point just before the pinnacle. Over and over he would ravish the smaller body, both pleasuring it and making it scream for fulfillment. Only when Hiei was screaming his name, grasping and clawing him hard enough to leave marks would Kurama finally take him. That is when his smaller mate would feel the best, most cherished release, when they would truly be one.

Just hearing Hiei's moans and pants were enough to make Kurama's arousal painful. Feeling the heat pouring off the smaller body that writhed beneath him kindled a fire inside of the fox that no other lover from his demon life could ever ignite. The smell of Hiei's perspiration and arousal, and the natural, woodsy scent that always cling to him were an aphrodisiac to the fox, almost bringing him to completion. The most intimate arousal, however, was Hiei's complete and utter abandon, his total submission to Kurama. The trust was indescribable. It was a gift that Kurama treasured above all else.

Of course, there were many times that Hiei was the one teasing Kurama with his tongue and hands, and pushing the fox into the abyss of sensual bliss. Although Kurama was almost always seme, Hiei found that in pleasuring his fox he received an even more rewarding pleasure himself. But tonight Kurama had taken control and Hiei relinquished it eagerly.

Hiei was still moaning when he felt something brush his lips. A hand was groping blindly for his mouth. Greedily, Hiei enveloped the questing fingers in his mouth and swirled his tongue around them, leaving them saliva-soaked. Luxuriously, the hiyoukai fondled the digits in his mouth, nibbling gently and licking each nail, each knuckle, and each crease. After a few minutes the fingers withdrew, leaving the demon's mouth free to moan once more.

If Hiei had been in a world of pleasure until then, his world exploded into a bright universe of ecstasy as the wet fingers found his entrance and began to gently push at it. Slowly, tauntingly, one slim finger found its way inside of him, groping and flexing. Moaning deep in his throat, Hiei arched his back, pushing his chest into Kurama's face and his rump back to engulf more of the fox's finger. After a small eternity a second finger joined the first, eliciting the same response. After much scissoring and flexing, a third finger finally crept into the tight opening, filling Hiei and yet promising even more fulfillment to come.

"Fox," Hiei panted hoarsely. "I... I need..."

"What?" Kurama gasped back. "Tell me what you need, Hiei."

"Y..you! I need you! Inside me!" Hiei cried in a whispered plea. Smiling, Kurama withdrew his fingers and slid his body up that of his mate, aligning himself to enter his beloved.

Meeting Hiei eye-to eye, the kitsune looked deeply into his lover's eye. "I love you, Hiei," he murmured, pressing onto and into the form below him.

"I love you, my fox," Hiei panted, his head tilting back as he felt Kurama just beginning to enter him.

"And I luv u both my dear beloveds," came a third voice.

Instantly, green and red eyes widened in horror. Kurama rolled to the side. Both demons looked at the foot of the bed, where a starry-eyed Mary Sue gazed lovingly at them. All three of them were very lucky that Hiei was naked. Had he been able to grab his katana, Mary would be dead, Hiei would be on death row, and Kurama would be a widower-to-be. The demons merely stared, aghast, at the form of the girl (?) at their feet, admiring their naked, exposed bodies.

"Ahh. My tru luvs. I'm hear to make sweet love to you both!" Mary sighed as she climbed onto the bed and wriggled her way between the two shocked forms.

Quickly, both demons leapt to their feet. Kurama grabbed the closest scrap of material he could find, which happened to be Hiei's tank top, and quickly moved to cover both his and Hiei's more private areas. Needless to say, they had to stand rather close for that to work.

"You were...were with...Kuwabara?" Kurama tried desperately to string words together.

"Yes. I set up a kekkai around him to protect him. I just could not leave my belovers alone and pining for me!" Mary replied.

Mary laid on her back on the bed. Mercifully, she was still fully clothed. Even her combat boots were still on. Although this was an egregious breech of etiquette, the occupants of the house were quite relieved. Still staring at the intruder, blood pounding in their ears, Kurama and Hiei were at a complete loss as to what they should say. Koenma's warning echoed in both of their minds. Finally a shrill voice snapped them out of the daze.

"Come on my luvrs! Climb in here and make long, hard love to me! I'm a virgin, you know, but since you are both my tru luve, I feel drawn to be with you. I've been saving myself for both of you, and Yusuke, and maybe teenage Koenma, for all the centuries of my life, and now my ripe womanhood is yours to ravage!"

"No," said Hiei. Kurama just swallowed hard to keep his stomach from revolting.

"But you must! I have dreamed of it. And I read fanfiction, so i know all about sex! My favorite story described the ecstacy I can only reach in your, or Yusuke's, or maybe teenage Koenma's arms so perfectly: 'As he came, gallons of white paradise spilled from his love sausage onto her swollen, perky breasts as they reached for the ceiling with every gasping breath, and salty yet sweet liquid ran down the soft mounds to gather on her toned abdomen.' I need that! I need your hot, heat-seeking missiles of luv to fill me and I want your essense in me when you cum. I can carry a child made from multiple fathers, so I want you both to be the fathers of my child. He'll b so powerful! Much more powerful than you but not near as powerful as me, of course! And I can take you both at once; I read about that in a fanfiction to!"

Kurama leaned towards Hiei. "Don't demonize!" he hissed, trying to contrive a pliable escape plan.

"I'm not," Hiei said, biting off his words abruptly.

"But you look green," Kurama observed, his eyes darting between the window and the door, trying to determine which way offered the best chances of survival.

"I am," Hiei said shortly. Kurama realized why suddenly when Mary Sue began to take her shirt, shaking her shoulders obscenely and singing, "Da da da da dum!" in a pseudo-burlesque, sickening manner.

With no regard for their modesty, both demons discarded the tank top and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind them and trying desperately to share the commode as they purged violently. Shaking, Kurama arose and locked the door as Hiei flushed.

"What now?" the hiyoukai asked in a weak voice. They both surveyed the situation. The bathroom, like many in apartment complexes, had no windows. The only door led to the waiting arms of Mary Sue and certain doom. Kurama just shook his head; uncertain what course of action was available to them.

That horrid voice echoed through the door, chilling their blood and curdling the stomachs again. "Oh, I get it! You want to be nice and squeaky-clean for me. Okay, my loves, I'll wait. I can wait for you as long as it taaa-aaakes."

Kurama's keen hearing caught the inflection on the final word. "She yawned," he said swiftly, pressing his ear to the door. To his horror, he heard loud, combat boot-laden footsteps approach the bathroom.

The voice called out, much closer this time. "I'll just wait right heee-eeere," it said, stifling another yawn. The shooshing sound of a body sliding down a door and an ungraceful thud told the demons that Mary was sitting outside, leaning against the bathroom door. After a few minutes the grating sound of snorting snores could be heard from the now slumbering form. Leaning against a wall, Kurama looked at Hiei.

"It seems we have gotten a reprieve," he whispered. "She's asleep."

"If she's on the bed I'm burning it," Hiei said in a flat tone, pressing his ear to the door.

"No such luck. She's against the door. It seems that we have no choice but to let her sleep. The door is our only escape, and if we open it she'll awake and demand..." Kurama trailed off with a shudder.

Hiei looked around the bathroom quickly. "Tub?" he asked forlornly.

"Tub," Kurama agreed sullenly. Neither was in any mood to continue their previous tryst. Grabbing the only material available to them, the hand towel from the towel hook by the sink, Kurama settled into the tub. Hiei climbed in and snuggled up to him, lying slightly on top of the fox. Kurama tried his best to arrange the tiny towel to cover as much of them as it could, to preserve a shred of their dignity in case Mary found some way to enter the bathroom, and wrapped his arms around his lover.

"Hiei?" Kurama asked.

"Yes?"

"If she does find a way in here, we'll kill her together. Then, perhaps Enma will execute us together and we won't have to mourn each other."

"Agreed."

And there the demons lay for the rest of the night, naked and cold, in a bathtub, huddled under a hand towel, hoping that the Mary Sue could not find them and molest them during the night, and above all, powerless to fend her off.

--

I hope you enjoyed the smangst. I thought the beginning of the lemon was one of my more sensual writings, if I do say so myself.

So, what will our demon lovers do? Will someone rescue them before they are molested by the Mary Sue? Or is their fate to father the same child from a crazed Wannabe? Only time will tell! Heh heh heh!

I think there will be maybe two chapters left to this. I hope you guys are enjoying it. I'm having a ball writing it! It's nice to not have to worry too much about plot twist, plot holes, grammar, and OOC, OC, CO, COC, and any other letters you can think of!

Thank you to my reviewers:

BlueUtopiah - Oh man, if you have not read a true Mary Sue fic then half the jokes here are so lost! Once you experience the chilling grasp of a Mary Sue then you will be able to appreciate the subtle nuances of her cunning, her guile, her complete disregard for anything canon, remotely plotful, or grammatically correct! And thanks!

hColleen - Nope, Mary cannot be killed. But the guys will find a way. They have to. Otherwise I'll be writing this forever! NOOOOOO!