A knock at the door roused Mary Sue from her gentle, and yet very loud, slumber. Snorting and grunting, she picked herself up from the floor by the bathroom door and trudged to the entrance of the apartment. Without checking who was there, she opened the door to find Yusuke and Botan waiting.
Both the visitor's eyes widened when as the sight of Mary registered. Botan was the first to speak. "You? Here? But we left you with, uh, you were guarding, uh, KURAMA! HIEI!" The ferry girl dashed past Mary into the apartment to search for any casualties of the fangirl's sexual advances. Yusuke remained silent, but stayed close to Botan in an attempt to not be left alone with the Mary Sue.
"Kurama? Hiei? Where are you guys? Are you alright?" Botan called out nervously, heading towards the bathroom.
"Oh their fine," Mary said, approaching the detective and the reaper. "They just wanted to clean up there hawt, smexy bodies for me. We're all gonna have a kid together, you no." At this Botan paled, but Mary continued without noticing. "And Yusuke, too. And maybe teenage Koenma." At this Yusuke faded from pale to slightly green.
"Guys?" the teenager called out, fearing the worst for his two friends. A noise from the closed bathroom door caught his attention. Creeping close, he made sure Botan was distracting Mary Sue and whispered into the door, "Hey, are you guys in there?"
"Yusuke? Is that you?" came Kurama's voice in a strained whisper. "We thought we heard Botan, but we weren't taking any chances."
"Yeah, it's us. What's going on?"
"That creature entered our bedchamber and we sought refuge in the bathroom," Hiei's voice supplied.
"Well, we're here, so you can come out now," Yusuke said.
"Um, no, we can't," Kurama said.
"Sure you can. Botan is distracting Mary Sue, and the sun is up. Botan said that Mary's lust will diminish in daylight." Yusuke supplied.
"That's all fine, but we still can't come out yet," Kurama argued.
"Why not?"
"We weren't exactly, um, asleep, when she walked in on us," Kurama replied. Yusuke could practically hear the blush in his voice.
"Oh man, you are kidding me! That's so freaky! She actually walked in on you two doing THAT?" Yusuke chuckled. Only the distinct sound of growling behind the door sobered his mirth. "Fine, fine. I'll get her out of the apartment. But you had better get dressed quick; I do not want to be the only male within lunging distance!"
Yusuke left the bathroom to try to lure Mary outside. Botan's expression as he approached prepared him for the worst. Steeling himself, he decided to go for broke.
"Mary?" he interjected as the girl(?) was about to dazzle Botan with yet another tale of her powers, her grace, her intellect, and her lust for bishies. Instantly, the girl was attentive. Groping for a plausible excuse to go outside, Yusuke thought of Keiko. "Your hair sure is shiny. Is that a special conditioner? Can I see it in the sunlight?" Without a word, Mary tromped out the door, blathering on about her kitsune heritage making her hair silky soft and how they should see it at the full moon when she turned into a silver/gold/midnight kitsune.
"I think she has foxes screwed up with werewolves," Yusuke muttered, grabbing Botan's arm and leading her out of the apartment.
"Yusuke, that was brilliant! How did you think of getting her to leave with a compliment?" Botan asked, awed by the teenager's sensitivity.
"I thought of Keiko," Yusuke replied without thinking. "Oh crap! If she ever hears that I said that..."
"Don't worry, Yusuke, dear," Botan said merrily, with a look that strongly resembled a cat face. "I won't breathe a word. Meow!"
"You'd better not," Yusuke muttered. As he was about to close the apartment door, he called inside, "The coast is clear, but make it snappy!"
As soon as the front door latched, the bathroom door cracked open just slightly. A green eye peeked out as, simultaneously, a foot below it, a red eye did the same. In a flash a black blur shot out the door and into the bedroom, followed by a red blur. Within five minutes both demons emerged from their apartment fully dressed and ready to kill a certain Mary Sue.
Mary was now chattering on about her powers of devastation that used alchemy to infuse her tremendous energy into Tic-Tacs to make minty-breath-bombs. Yusuke and Botan looked up at the demons with worn, bloodshot eyes. It had been a looooong five minutes. As Mary began to launch into the tale of her Altoids-Kiss-of-Death attack, Kurama intervened.
"Mary, weren't you supposed to guard Kuwabara last night? We need him for our mission."
"Oh. The Oaf. I set my plants to guard him and sealed him in a kekkai for his own protection. We can do the mission without him," Mary said in a dismissive tone.
"But we really should include him. We'd hate to hurt his feelings," Kurama insisted, employing his infamous Shuuichi Smile to woo the girl to his side. Swooning, Mary nodded and wandered in the general direction of the Kuwabara residence.
"A kekkai?" Hiei said softly as they walked. "Unlikely. Even Reikai, with all its power focused on the task, could only build a barely passable kekkai to seal demon world. Why does she think she could erect one?"
"All Mary Sues think they can. They think just anyone can establish that type of barrier without breaking a sweat," Botan explained. "Lord Enma could do it only because he could harness the power of the entire Spirit World. No mortal, and no demon I know of could ever do it alone. I wonder, though; what DID she do to Kuwabara?"
"We'll find out soon enough," Yusuke commented as they approached the front door to his best friend's house.
Before they even knocked, the door swung open, revealing Shizuru and her cigarette. "Oh, you're here. You have to see it to believe it," was their greeting as the older girl turned and walked away from them. From upstairs, a distant bellow sounded. There seemed to be words in the din, and they seemed to say, "Sis! What are you doing? Get me out of this! I'm your brother! How could you leave me like this?" Quickly, the tantei and Botan rushed upstairs to rescue their comrade.
Mary, however, became easily distracted when she saw Kuwabara's cat enter the room. Jumping up, the girl(?) ran to the cat to embrace it, shrieking, "KAWAII!" The terrified cat took one look and ran, scampering under the coach and hissing.
The detective group stopped short in the doorway, struck dumb by the scene before them. Kuwabara was lying on the bed in only his boxer shorts. He was strapped down by a criss-cross pattern resembling a true kekkai, but made of all the shoestrings in the house knotted together and tied to the bed. Every potted plant in the house was pulled from its pot and arranged in a semicircle around the bed. Sure enough, Mary had set the plants to "guard" him and erected a "kekkai" to seal him. Kurama was the first to allow a stifled snort to escape him. Covering his mouth, the kitsune remained silent as his shoulders moved with each chuckle. Yusuke had no such reservations.
"Ha! You have GOT to be kidding me? You got sealed by a Mary Sue! Kuwabara, you freak, she got you!" the detective bellowed out between huge guffaws. Hiei said nothing, but enjoyed a brief moment of amusement at the human boy's predicament. Botan managed to hide her mirth as she approached the bed and began to untie the "kekkai" barrier.
"Kuwabara," Yusuke continued. "You're so dumb! I hope she didn't hurt you! Do you need us to call for Yukina?" the detective taunted, tears running down his cheeks.
"No way, Urameshi!" Kuwabara shouted. "She couldn't really hurt me, and anyway, my little ice bunny would know I only tolerated it because I am a gentleman. My little ice pop would completely understand; she'd..." Kuwabara trailed off with a strange look on his face. At the look, the laughter in the room ceased.
"Hey, Kuwa, man, what is it?" Yusuke asked, serious once he saw the strange change in his best friend.
"I, uh, nothing, uh," Kuwabara began, but stopped explaining and began to mutter to himself, "Cold showers, icy-cold, no, don't think ice! Uh, nuns. Uh, really old nuns." Puzzled, his teammates just stared at him.
Botan was the first to realize the source of the boy's troubles. Quickly she grabbed the blanket from the floor and threw it over Kuwabara's midsection. "My, my," she stuttered, a bit too cheerily. "You must be chilly in only your boxers. Let me cover you up while I untie the shoestrings.
Yusuke, Kurama, and Hiei just stared. Although they all figured it out at the same time, Yusuke was the first to mention it. "Oh MAN! That's great! Thinking a little too much of you ice-bunny? You must really like her to get that excited by just thinking about her!"
Hiei tried to lunge at Kuwabara, ready to kill anyone who would have that reaction to his pure, innocent sister, but Kurama intercepted him and steered him out of the room, leaving Yusuke and Botan to finish untying the carrot-top, whose color now resembled a radish more than a carrot.
"I'll kill the Oaf. I'll strangle him, pull out his entrails, and hang him by them!" Hiei seethed as Kurama tried to soothe him.
"Relax, Love. It's natural. Everyone reacts to the ones they care about, and he's no different than you or I..."
"Oh yes he is! That's my sister he's fantasizing about in there! I'll..."
"You'll what?" Kurama whispered breathily, pressing his own body against his lover's. Instantly Hiei's body began to respond. "You see? It's perfectly natural, and it doesn't take much," Kurama said as he pressed his lips to Hiei's. Giving up his anger, Hiei allowed the fox to kiss him. He could Kuwabara later.
"Awwww. Room for me?" came the voice they had learned to fear. Breaking apart and spinning around, the demons were confronted by Mary Sue, little hearts dancing in her eyes. Backing up, the two found themselves cornered in an alcove of the hallway. Mary began to close in. Luckily, voices distracted her.
"...not funny, Urameshi! And why did the Shrimp go postal on me? He's with Kurama. He doesn't have a thing for Yukina, too, does he?" Kuwabara asked, exiting the room and tucking in his shirttail.
"No, Kuwabara, I think you're safe," Botan said. "Well, not exactly 'safe' since Hiei wants to kill you, but you needn't worry about competing with him for Yukina's hand." The conversation stopped when they saw Mary bearing down on Kurama and Hiei in the hallway.
"This has to end," Botan decided. "We need to see Lord Koenma again and find a way to make this stop!" With that she materialized her oar and opened a portal to Reikai. As the team left, Shizuru watched, smiling. Quickly she picked up her purse and the roll of film she had used to take the pictures of her baby bro in his predicament and headed to the film store to get them developed. The next time she wanted him to study, she now had just the blackmail material she needed...
In Koenma's office all Hell was breaking loose. As the Junior Lord of Hell, the demigod should have been in his element, but was not. "Ogre, do something!" he yelled, in his teenage form. Jorge was too busy to respond, though. The oni had a mop and a pail and was trying desperately to mop up the gallons of drool Mary Sue was making by staring at her four favorite bishies in one room. Apparently her libido had not diminished in the sunlight, and she was trying to round the four guys into a corner. Kuwabara just hung back, wary of getting near her again.
The team was usually good at fighting any attacks, but Mary Sue was different. She seemed to be everywhere, coming at them from every direction. Everywhere they turned there was Mary Sue with a lusty look and another half-baked sex idea for them to play out. Desperately they huddled together. None of them could kill her, and short of that they had no idea how to defend themselves. Kuwabara tried to take a swing at her, against his code of honor, but Mary ignored him completely.
As Mary was practically on top of the four bishonen, a female voice called out, "That's IT! I've had ENOUGH!" With a mighty swing, Botan took her oar and brought it around, crashing into Mary Sue's skull with all her might. With a whooshing sound and a loud pop, Mary Sue disappeared.
The tantei, Koenma, and Botan stared at the empty space that used to be Mary Sue. Quickly, Koenma spun around. "Ogre! My remote!" Jorge grabbed the remote control from the desktop and tossed it to his boss. Without wasting a second, Koenma turned on his television and began scanning the channels. After a few minutes he turned it off. "She's gone."
"Gone?" Kurama asked.
"Yes. Mary Sue is out of our fandom," Koenma replied. "Botan must have unconsciously created a fandom portal and used her Reikai oar to knock Mary Sue through it."
The guys looked at the ferry girl with wide eyes. Botan just shrugged and shouldered her oar. "All in a day's work!" she said happily, glad things could get back to normal.
Mary Sue stood up slowly. She wasn't quite sure why she tripped, but the office was gone. Perhaps some evil demon overlord had sucked them into Makai and it was up to her to rescue her twu wuvs from the fiend's clutches! After the monster ate Kuwabaka, of course. Looking around, Mary saw a red-headed figure walking away from her.
"Kurama, my love! Wait for me! Only with my powers can we defeat the feend that took our beloved teammates and restore..." Mary stopped when the figuret turned to face her with bewildered, violet eyes.
"Your not Kurama. Oh! I know you! I read fanfiction, so I no all about u! I'm Mary. Mary Sue Wannabe, a famous swordswoman who took a vow never to kill again! Come, my love, we must save Japan from the evil overlords!" Mary cried in joy, siezing the hand of her new victim, er, companion, and dragging him off into the sunset, leaving no time for anything but a startled, "Oro?"
