A.N. whoo. Long time no update. Well, as promised, this chapter's going to be really long. As will the next chapters and the chapters from my other stories. Hehehehe… enjoyyyy:)
Chapter 19: An Imperfect Perfection
"Sakura… he was always in love with you…"
He was always in love with you…
The words hung in the room like a ghost preying silence. Sakura's mind froze, her eyes straying toward the floor. All in a second she felt overwhelmed with feeling, as if something reached into her body, grabbed her heart, and tore it into pieces right in front of her eyes.
Maybe all this time, she was fooled by her own insecurity. Maybe all this time, she was drowned in her sea of loneliness. Maybe all this time, their love had survived through the hardest ordeals in the sea, and had finally made it to land.
Maybe all this time, she was still…
In love with him.
Meiling left the room silently with Sakura still rendering her thoughts in her mind. "He loves me… He has always loved me…"
Why didn't she realize it before? Why didn't she realize all the things he did to her, said to her?
"Maybe it wasn't meant to be," she said to herself, "maybe… Syaoran and I are destined to be apart."
She realized. It's too late to begin a flame that's already burnt to its end.
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Sakura flounced into the bar in her new pink dress with white roses trimming along its side. She greeted the bartender warmly, and ordered a long island ice tea. "I'm going to get drunk tonight," she smiled.
"Why, is there something wrong?" Michael, the bartender, asked.
Sakura shook her head. In fact, something was bothering her. Tomoyo was supposed to meet her in the Japanese palace tonight, but somehow, she hasn't shown up yet. And she was due 5 hours ago.
"How's everything with Josh?"
Sakura chuckled. She was getting a little drunk already. "Oh, the usual. He's sensitive, he's sweet, he's charming…he's perfect!"
"That's good to hear."
Sakura nodded. "…Yeah." She wondered, why, in that sudden moment that she mentioned the word 'perfect', Syaoran's face forced through her mind, and appeared like a ghost in front of her sad eyes.
"I'm supposed to meet Josh here," she added, stirring her drink with a straw.
"Oh really? I saw him about ten minutes ago. I think he was looking for you." Michael informed.
Sakura raised her eyebrows in surprise. He's always late. "Where?"
"Here!"
"Oh." Sakura acknowledged, and stirred her drink again. "I guess I'll just wait for him here or something. I don't feel like moving anywhere."
Michael nodded sympathetically. "Are you alright? You seem kind of…distracted."
Sakura looked up. She forced a smile. "Distracted? Why would you say that?"
"I don't know…you just look…you know, spacey."
"Spacey?" Sakura laughed out loud. "You have no idea…" she trailed off. By the tone of her voice, Michael suspected something was wrong. "You know, Michael. I have nobody to talk to these days. A girl gets so lonely sometimes."
Michael nodded in sympathy while he scrubbed a glass with a clean napkin. "Josh is so perfect, you know? He does everything I ask him to do." She said sweetly. "He sweeps me off my feet all the time, he dances with me like he's never danced before, he's so cute and adorable in front of me… I mean, he's everything I look for in a boyfriend, possibly a soul mate."
Michael sneered. "Looks like you've found the one."
"Yup." Sakura smiled sheepishly. "Yes I have." At this second she felt a sting in her heart.
She heard a rustle next to her, and found the man next to her had just got up to leave. She stared at his chestnut hair.
Then she smiled, and turned her attention back to Michael.
"What is it?" Michael asked.
"That guy…that was just sitting here. He reminds me of someone I know." She said casually, without encouraging a question.
"It is someone you know." Michael smiled slyly.
"…What? What are you talking about?" She smiled nervously. Surely it couldn't be…
"That was Syaoran. He was looking for you. I guess you didn't see him when he came in." Michael answered.
Sakura put a hand over her mouth. "Excuse me?"
"That was Syaoran Li." He smiled.
She had a look of panic on her delicate face. "Go after him."
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Sakura gasped in disbelief. She stared at Michael for a second, studying his face. Then she decided it wasn't worth the wait. She got out of her chair and ran towards the exit. She looked frantically around the crowded door looking for a chestnut-haired boy, no, man, on the sidewalk. Squeezing between busy people on the street, she found a lone silhouette sitting on the front steps of a small grocery store.
He had chestnut hair. And amber eyes. Oh, those beautiful amber eyes.
"Sy…Syaoran?" Sakura whispered, leaning down so she could see the boy's face. Syaoran's eyes flickered up, annoyance hinting his brilliant amber.
"Yes? What do you want?"
"SYAORAN! It's you!" Sakura screamed happily. She leaned down to hug him, but he shoved her arms away. He stood up abruptly, and started walking away from her.
Sakura looked at him in confusion, and decided to walk in front of him. He still refused to look at her. "Syaoran? Syaoran are you okay?"
He ignored her, his eyes focused on the road ahead. He began to walk faster now, his footsteps pacing a rapid rhythm, one which she had realized that she missed. Syaoran walked straight into a stray alley and stood facing the dirty wall.
Sakura felt an uncomfortable silence lurking between them. She suddenly felt guilty about the things she had said, had done, to him, although she wasn't sure what.
"Sakura." He finally decided to speak.
Sakura smiled, although he couldn't see under the night. She felt a frisson running through her cold body, but was too scared to analyze this feeling.
"Syaoran." She spoke too. "How nice to see you after all this time!" she greeted warmly, her hand reaching for his shoulder. He shuddered, and she put her hand at her side again.
Syaoran sighed. "It's very nice to see you too. After all this time."
Sakura nodded. She didn't know what to say.
Another silence took hold of their breaths. An awkward, yet peaceful one. Sakura twitched uncomfortably at his side, and looked hard down at the rain-sodden ground. It had been raining earlier this evening, nature's deep puddles engraved in the dark, muddy alley.
"Is it really 'after all this time'?" Syaoran finally decided to ask.
Sakura stared up at him. He still refused to look at her. "What do you mean?"
Syaoran sighed. He stared at the wall in front of him, studying its rotting structure. "I mean, is one month really what it took you to fall in love with that guy?" His voice was hoarse.
Sakura was too scared to look at him. There was an evil hidden somewhere on his face, one which he had not shown since the day she had left. Even then, it had been tender and fragile. But now, now it was a man's, she was sure of that. Not a boy's. but a man's honest and truthful face.
"W-What?" Sakura asked, although she knew exactly what he had meant. She had often pondered this herself. Can you fall in love in one month, dragging love's wounds?
"You heard me." Syaoran stabbed his fists onto the wall, making an ugly sound. "Is one fucking goddamned month really what it took for you to fall in love?" he stared intently at the wall, killing it with his eyes, obviously angry by her subtle and innocent reply.
Sakura remained quiet. "Huh? Is that it? Just one fucking month?" his turned his face, and his eyes concentrated on her, and her only. Sakura felt an invisible force choking her.
"S-Syaoran—"
He stared forcefully in her emerald eyes, admonishing her with his looks. "Don't you 'Syaoran' me, Kinomoto," his full attention was on her now, his orbs criticizing her every stroke of hair, her every movement. His hands bled from the wound he made punching the wall, but the amber-eyed man seemed not to notice. "What are you up to, exactly? Miss Cherry Kura?"
Sakura felt trapped. What does he mean what is she up to? She suspected something ugly was shoving through his throat.
Syaoran gave a sarcastic smirk. "What exactly had been your motive in making me fucking fall in love with you all over again, and then deciding to flee to Koizumi instead?"
"Is it because I'm not good enough for you? I'm not perfect enough for you?" He continued cruelly, his smirk merging with his features.
Sakura wilted back, leaning herself against the wall. She had never seen how disgusting he was, but maybe, she had been that disgusting toward him as well. His body blocked her from the night, his eyes sucking her breath.
"First you tell me that you're not Sakura Kinomoto, so I fell in love with Cherry Kura. Then you tell me that Cherry had been a dream, a nightmare, an illusion," Syaoran stared hard at her. "Then you tell me to forget about what happened. You became Sakura Kinomoto again."
"I tell you that I'll never give up on you, and you push me away." He leaned his face so close to her that his nose brushed briefly against hers. She could smell his breath of whiskey.
"S-Syaoran, don't."
"Don't WHAT?" he yelled, anger brooding in his brain, backing away from her. Her simple innocent replies have been eating his insides the whole time that they had been talking. Can't she at least understand instead of trying to hide behind her fake masquerade?
"Don't what? Don't get close to you? Don't interfere with your royal life? Don't touch you?" He placed his hands firmly on her shoulders, pushing her back against the wall with so much force that it hurt even to move.
She looked away. "Don't do this to me." Her voice was barely above a whisper.
"Ha." Syaoran found himself laughing. How ridiculous. The girl whispers!
"So now you feel guilty, don't you?" He chuckled sarcastically. "Is that why you keep trying to push me away?"
"Don't do this to me." Sakura repeated, shaking her head lightly.
"Don't do what to you? Don't suffocate you? Don't put pressure on you?" He shouted. Then, he ran his hand through his hair.
"You know what?" Syaoran began again, "I came down here today to tell you that Meiling was tricking us all along. I came down here today to ask you, to beg you if you will, to come back with me, to stay with me. And what? What do I come to hear?" Syaoran's eyes glinted a spear of hatred. "'Josh is so perfect. He's everything I look for in a man. He's the one. He's my soul mate.'" His arms grew stronger, and she felt the soft sound of her bones crushing, just a little bit.
He lowered his gaze so it was leveled with hers. He whispered, so low that she had trouble hearing him.
"I wait. And wait for you for ten years, until one day you bring all hopes back to me again."
"You saved me, Cherry Kura. You saved me from my own fucking misery." Sakura felt tear buds forming in her eyes. She felt like crying, and yet she didn't know why.
"You meant so much to me." He said, softly brushing her cheeks with his fingers.
"But you think that you can just waltz in Japan with your newfound glory and your name-brand clothes to fall in love with a perfect man? You think that I would ever, ever forgive you if you fell in love with him?" Syaoran laughed, his fingers dropped on her shoulder, so hard that she felt her body wince from his touch.
"Syaoran." Sakura pushed her hands at his chest, but this only made him press himself closer to her.
"I tell you now. I would never forgive you." He breathed.
Sakura fought to hold back her tears. She saw from his dangerous tone that he meant it, that he was absolutely serious. "But maybe you're not seeking for my forgiveness. Maybe you just want this pathetic, imperfect man to get out of your life right now, so you could jump back into lovely Mr. Koizumi's arms and dance with him under the moonlight."
Sakura shook her head violently. "No, that's not it."
Syaoran ignored her. "Sakura, I waited my entire life for someone like you. If you can fall in love with one guy in a month, I don't know how many guys you'll fall in love with in your lifetime."
Sakura felt the urge to defend herself. But before she could say anything, Syaoran spoke softly again, treating her like his plaything. For the first time in her life, and she silently hoped, the last time, she felt objectified.
"I'm sick and tired of waiting for you to come to me."
Sakura stared at him in pain. "It's not what you think."
Syaoran pushed her harder. The friction between her back and the wall made a soft, quick sound. "Well, then what the fuck is it!"
When she didn't answer, it only maddened him. He realized what a jerk he has been in the last few minutes, but he couldn't stop himself from hating her. "What the HELL is wrong with me? Why can't you love me?"
Silence.
"Why won't you love me? You can love Josh can't you? Why the FUCK can't you love me!" He let out a frustrated groan, then loosened his grip and buried his face in his hands. He recollected himself while Sakura studied him frightfully.
"What is it about Josh," he whispered, and then he placed his hands on her chin and lifted it up so she could look straight into his broken eyes, "that makes him so special?" He continued in the soft tone he gave, voice barely above a whisper, voice failing miserably to mask his pain and misery.
"Don't you know how I feel about you?" Syaoran groaned. Sakura looked down in the darkness. Syaoran bent down so he looked straight at her ocean-eyes. "I love you so fucking much you idiot." Sakura felt his hand on her cheeks, and felt herself sucked into his lips, of violent, forceful kisses. She silently cried to herself, cursing herself for her own stupidity.
She knew. She knew how much he had loved her. Of course she knew. How could she not?
He put his arms around her neck, bringing her face closer to his. Slowly, her arms began to climb up his back, and wrapped themselves around his broad shoulders.
Syaoran felt some feeling after he shocked her. He realized that she began to kiss him back, as if she was waiting all her life for him to kiss her like this. His heart was a mixture of joy, hatred, love, compassion, sympathy, and he couldn't decide whether this kiss meant she loved him or that she simply felt sorry for him. He gently pulled her face away from his. The couple stood under a soft ray of moonlight shining askance at them. Syaoran studied Sakura's face for a while. She was still as he remembered, with his touch written all over it. She looked at him in anticipation. Just when she pulled his face to hers again, he broke away from her touch, and walked away. Sakura stood alone under the dark shade of the night, thankful for its color, so that it would hide what was on her face.
Love.
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
The picture was thrown in a bucket along with several other things. A young man slowly lighted up a match, and when it came to life, threw it down the bucket. His eyes emitted sadness while he watched the things he used to love disappear.
"Good bye, Sakura," Syaoran whispered, opened the door and locked it behind him.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Sakura buried herself in her bed and cried. She felt the sheets wet with tears and still she couldn't stop crying. It had already been days since that kiss, and she still could not forget his masked pain, her failing miserably to tell him how she had felt. Tomoyo sat by her side although Sakura would rather be alone.
"I wish I had told him how I felt." Sakura whispered.
Tomoyo nodded. She hesitated for a second. Sakura looked at her best friend's face, and rolled her eyes. "Alright, what else do you want to ask me?"
Tomoyo smiled nervously. "Well…I was wondering how you felt about Josh Koizumi?"
Sakura sunk back in her bed, thinking. It took her a while to analyze her feelings before she could decide. "You know what I've been looking for after Syaoran and I broke apart?"
Tomoyo shook her head.
"The feeling of first love." She whispered. "The feeling of anticipation, of happiness, of complete devotion to each other."
Tomoyo smiled sympathetically.
"Love isn't perfect. Love's got to have its twists and turns before something real comes out. If love was perfect, I think I'd tire of it easily." Sakura said, reassuring herself.
"Do you love Josh?"
Sakura shook her head almost too quickly. "No," she chuckled, amused by the audacity of her best friend, "I don't love him. He's too perfect anyway. He would make a good boyfriend though." For the first time in days she smiled.
You have the smile that would light up a room.
Shit. Why did she have to remember that?
"Tomoyo?" Sakura asked. "Do you still think Syaoran loves me?"
"Of course. He'll never stop."
"I think I might have gone too far. He said he's tired of waiting for me." Sakura pouted. She felt like a little child.
"No, no, you can never be tired of the person you love. After all, love's imperfect, isn't it?" Tomoyo smiled kindly. "Don't give up. There's plenty of hope yet."
Sakura took the advice to heart. There's plenty of hope yet.
"After all, isn't an imperfection perfection what you're seeking?"
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
The pictures burnt to ashes until there are no ashes left.
A/N: how did you guys like this chapter? This will be the second to last chapter. Next chapter will finally complete Cherished in My Heart. I wrote this chapter after watching too many corny romantic movies, but I still haven't quite gotten the dialogue right. Although I think this is the best chapter so far, y'all should comment toooo! (and those of you out there who don't review, you all know what I'm talking bout wink wink)
Hehehehhe please read my other stories tooooo!
