A/N: this is a loooong chapterr. aiii i'm too lazy to proof read it so i'm really sorry for any mistakes:(
Chapter 20: A Goodbye
A chestnut-haired boy sat on his couch, thousands of thoughts running through his mind like rain. His face was concentrated, his amber eyes focused and emotionless, although a frown on his face suggested that whatever he was thinking was probably unpleasant.
He walked toward the kitchen, feeling thirsty. The thoughts on his mind were so disturbing that he felt his head slightly ache. "Shit…" he mumbled as he stumbled toward the kitchen. The pain was getting sharper, and within seconds he felt multiple blows to his head as if someone is smacking him over and over again with a hammer cruelly. He pressed his arm against the wall to support himself away from the pain as he put his hand on his forehead, telling himself it will stop, that it's just stupid thoughts.
He told himself that everything will be okay. But it was not okay. The pain was getting more unbearable as his head felt like a volcano, with fire that would burst open as soon it gets hot enough.
"What's wrong with me?" he murmured. Syaoran buried his head in his arms, his eyes fluttering violently. He felt blood rush toward his eyeballs, blood dancing like piercing daggers, and then…nothing.
I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
Sakura lazily got up from bed. She looked at the calendar. Today is the 15th. One month after she had last seen Syaoran. She looked sadly at her feet.
Why did I wake up? She thought bitterly. She was having such a wonderful dream. She has running through the meadows with a yellow bonnet on her head and a pink ribbon in her hair, laughing and screaming at the same time, her smile never leaving her unforgettable face. Tomoyo was there along with Eriol, and they were having a wild picnic in a field of endless yellow daisies. Syaoran was there too, and he looked at her with such loving eyes that she wanted to break down and cry at how happy she was.
Silly dream, she told herself sadly. Then she averted her eyes away from the mirror that she was studying herself at, her emeralds drowning in the pool of Misery. She felt so horrible for saying all those nice things about Josh. How could have she been so blind? How could have she not know that for all this time, something in her was missing, and that something had been filled only by Syaoran?
I deserve this. Sakura thought. I deserve to be miserable for ever.
Sakura has been thinking about this whole affair for a while now, ever since their last encounter. She knew that deep in her heart only one person has ever stolen her heart, but the masked pain and the thin skin of herself enabled her to be so vulnerable to it. Ever since she had gotten her memory back she realized how all those years ago, Syaoran and her were made together. Like two peas in a pod. They were made for each other, so that one day they will find each other, and the apple halves will be joined as one.
She didn't fall in love with Josh. She did so to make Syaoran suffer, for all the pain that he's caused her. She's sick and tired of being the happy-go-lucky and smile-never-cry kind of girl. She's sick of being so strong and so adamant on the outside, but so fucking alone on the inside. Josh was her revenge, her "Meiling" on Syaoran…her own weapon. But what she had not realized is that, once the weapon penetrates through his heart, his love for her would die as well…
Like so many other loves have died…
Did she honestly think that their love will prevail through the most violent storms? Well, maybe at the beginning…but she didn't know for sure now. No ma'am.
She kept seeing his face and hearing his voice in her mind. How scary he looked that night, how…possessive and violent he sounded. She had never seen that side before. He told her that he's sick of her games. He asked her why she can't fall in love with him. He insulted her by saying how easily she could love another.
He didn't, no, wouldn't, even give her a chance to reply.
Not that she wanted to anyway, knowing that everything coming from her mouth would be a lie.
…He was so monstrous, yet so endearing. He's a paradox to human existence, Sakura thought. He fell in love with Sakura Kinomoto, yet ran his hands through so many other girls in order to create a false illusion of himself…
When he made her look into his eyes she could see fear in them. Fear so strong that he didn't bother to hide it. He was scared. Just like her. Neither of them is strong. Deep inside their heart there is only an empty void, waiting to be fulfilled by each other.
And what had she given him? None other than the heartbreaking news that Josh Koizumi is a perfect human being.
She couldn't but blame herself. She can't even bear to blame him, although he had pushed her against a wall and forced her to kiss him. No, she can't. It's all her fault. She kept misunderstanding his intentions; she kept misunderstanding his motives and his feelings. She felt cruel, playing him like that, even doing it inadvertently. She felt…longing. Longing for him.
She lingered for those soft lips that try so hard to make her happy.
Sakura looked at herself again in the mirror. Her reflection had been sadder than she had thought. Being a princess isn't all that at all. Being a princess, having all the money and fun in the world doesn't make her happy.
No, no, it doesn't at all.
Now she had finally understood that axiom "Money can't buy everything". If it could, she would use all of her money just to get Syaoran's forgiveness. She would suffer on the streets and eat dirt if she had to, just to feel his warm lips again.
"I'm obsessed with him." She muttered under her breath, still studying her reflection in the mirror. The girl on the other side had the same long auburn hair as her, the same pale and delicate face, the same rosy cheeks… but her eyes, Sakura noticed, her emerald eyes would radiate nothing but sadness… her stubborn eyes. She shaded them her hands. She didn't want to look at them anymore. They only made her feel ashamed.
I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
"Syaoran! Open the door!" Eriol banged for the tenth time. "I know you're in there! Open the goddamn door! I can hear your TV blaring!"
Tomoyo stood next to Eriol, worry written all over her face. She tugged Eriol. "Are you sure he didn't go out or something?"
Eriol glanced sideways. "He never leaves his TV open when he goes out. He's in there. I know it."
"OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR LI SYAORAN!" Eriol screamed, this time kicking it so hard that Tomoyo jumped back at the sudden shake on the ground.
No response came from within. Eriol was getting worried too. Syaoran hadn't been himself lately ever since he came back to Hong Kong. His eyes were always avoiding Eriol's, as if he's afraid that if he had looked in Eriol's eyes, Eriol would see how fragile and how wretched Syaoran had been.
"Tomoyo, stay here." Eriol commanded, and rushed down the stairs.
"Where are you going?" Tomoyo yelled after, quickly running after him. "No, stay there Tomoyo. I'm going to go to the manager's office and ask for a pair of keys."
Tomoyo nodded and walked back to Syaoran's door. "Something's not right…" she muttered to herself, and sank herself down and cradled her head on the door frame. She closed her tired eyes, silently praying that everything will be okay.
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
"Where are you going, Sakura?" A blond-haired man asked, his face worried. Sakura had two huge luggage bags on her bed, and she was packing a third one.
"I'm going back to Hong Kong for a while." She said simply, her voice plain. She didn't want him to detect anything wrong.
Josh looked apprehensive. He came around the bed and stared at her luggage. "…Are you going to see Syaoran?"
Sakura paused in the middle of packing her favorite pink dress in. She slowly looked back at him, "How did you know?"
"Michael. Bartender."
Sakura growled. Why can't they respect her fucking privacy? For a moment she packed in silence while he stood and watched her.
"Are you coming back?"
Sakura continued packing. She didn't answer him. No, she couldn't. She wasn't even sure if she is or not. Nothing in Japan interested her anyways. The most cherished person in her life wasn't there.
He seemed to understand. "…What about me?" he whispered.
"What do you mean?"
Josh groaned. Was she seriously that dumb? "What about…our thing…?"
"Oh… that." Sakura whispered. What should she say? She can't just hurt him and tell him to get over her and go on to the next girl. Although she's pretty sure that he will just by his looks. "I'm going back to Hong Kong." She repeated.
He took her hand in his. She looked at his hand, and then looked at him. "What are you doing?"
"Stay with me."
"What?" Sakura's eyes widened, her heart thumping loudly against her chest. His hand was already on her small back and his lips were protruding her way.
"What the hell are you doing!" Sakura shouted, trying to push him away. "Get the hell away from me!" She screamed as he pushed her hard on the bed and silenced her with kisses. Her eyes widened in fear. His body was above her, his lips violently biting hers. She smelled blood, although she wasn't sure whether it was from his lips or hers. He claimed her lips with forceful and possessive kisses as she tried to dodge them. They weren't warm or gentle or sweet like Syaoran's. Josh's lips were angry, obsessed, and mean.
She felt her heart thumping faster now, her arms locked under his strong hands. She tried to kick him from below. But he moved out of the way just in time. She screamed. Tears trickled down her eyes like rain as she felt her shirt rip, then her bra strap rip. He smirked at her, his face full of cruel intentions.
Sakura shook her head around so that he couldn't find her lips. He immediately let go of her arms and seized her neck, planting kisses on her cheeks, her eyelids, her ears, her neck bone.
She was horrified. More tears started forcing through her eyes as she found herself sobbing hard. She was damn scared. She had never felt so weak in her life. She had tried to break free from his forces, but she had never once succeeded. He pressed himself upon her so hard that whatever she did was useless.
His hands are on her necks, choking her as he continued to kiss her. His lips forced her to open her mouth, and she felt his greedy tongue inside her as she involuntarily swallowed his saliva. She glanced at both her sides. Through blurry vision she saw a clock lying on the bed, and it was just within her reach. It was now or never, she told herself. Quickly with one hand she slammed the clock in the blond man's head, so hard that she thought she heard his bones crack.
Josh screamed. "BITCH!" he cursed as he saw Sakura kicking him in his soft spot and pushed him off of her. Scrambling quickly toward the door she left her shoes resting neatly against her bed, her luggage still scattered.
She ran all the way toward the front of the grand palace. She couldn't stop herself from crying. All he did was take advantage of her. All this time. She thought he was perfect! What an IDIOT had she been, sucking in all his meaningless charms?
She stopped by a wall and started sobbing like she never had before. Her lips were burning with pain and her ripped shirt and ripped bra strap left her right shoulder bare. Her hands covered her eyes as she felt more tears trickling down her face. She couldn't stop herself. Why had she been blinded all this time? She cursed at herself.
"Syaoran…" she whispered, more regretful now than ever. "I need you here with me…" and with that, she broke down.
I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
Eriol and Tomoyo quickly scrambled into the apartment with the key from the manager. There, on the cold kitchen floor they found Syaoran lying there lifelessly, unconscious.
"Syaoran!" Tomoyo said, surprised. She ran over to his body and embraced his face. "Syaoran…"
"Oh…my…god." Eriol said as he kneeled next to Syaoran, his face expressionless. Then he pulled Tomoyo's head to his chest and cradled it. "Tomoyo, we have to call 9-1-1…"
I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no
A young woman knocked on the cream-colored door. She knocked carefully for three times, but not before thinking about leaving without a trace. She had had an internal battle with herself about whether or not to come here. She waited nervously, her heart bumping rapidly against her chest, steady and quick as a drum roll.
She glanced around. The apartment complex was quite ancient, its faded sea green wallpapers barely visible. She cleared her throat anxiously. When the person that she had expected had not shown up yet, she debated herself.
No, I've got to leave. Why am I even here? She thought bitterly. It's not like he's going to forgive me and then take me back like nothing's ever happened.
She decided to turn around. She reached the stairs, descending slowly down. She was half way down the first flight of stairs when the door cracked open. A confused man emerged from inside, but upon seeing her his face tightened. "…Sakura?"
Sakura turned around, quite surprised. She met his eyes and smiled, embarrassed. She walked slowly back up the stairs again, her hand touching the hand bar. "Oh, hi Syaoran." She smiled weakly, not sure whether she should smile or not. After all, their last encounter was nothing smile-like.
"What-What are you doing here?" Syaoran stuttered, his face leaning against the door. Sakura thought he looked paler, paler than before, that is, and…weaker?
Sakura stood in front of him now, her face facing his. "I'm here to see you." She said again, peering curiously inside. She had never seen Syaoran's apartment before. "May I come in?" she asked politely, knowing that even if he denied her, she would understand.
Syaoran paused at the door for a moment and looked sideways for a while before nodding. He stepped back and opened the door more. He gestured with one hand for her to come in. Sakura followed, taking her shoes off at the front.
"It's a nice apartment," Sakura commented. Syaoran ignored her, and disappeared into the kitchen by himself. Sakura's face saddened, but she perfectly understood why he had been so cold to her since the moment he saw her. She walked silently into the living room and studied it carefully. The wallpaper was a pearly white color with violet daisies on them, and it was spacious and beautiful. It truly is a nice apartment. In the middle of the living room was a red cotton-sheet couch with white pillows on it. It was extremely neat for a guy's taste. Sakura giggled at the thought. Syaoran must be a neat-freak to keep his place so glittery and clean.
"Would you like something to drink?" Syaoran offered, his face still showing no emotion—which discouraged Sakura.
"No, I'm fine." Sakura smiled.
"You sure?" he asked again, just to be polite.
"Yeah." She nodded.
"Make yourself comfortable." Syaoran pointed at the couch. Sakura sat down amongst the white pillows, feeling its comfort relaxing her. For just a second she felt completely worry-free.
Syaoran sat down in a chair opposite of her with a soda in his hand. He opened it and started devouring it like he hasn't drunk in days. Sakura gulped, unsure of what to say.
"So…how are you?" Sakura asked. It's just a conversation starter, nothing special.
"Good." He replied simply, not giving her any sign to move on. She gulped again, determined to make him talk.
"Oh, that's great." She smiled happily. She suddenly noticed the tiny tube Syaoran had in his hand. Syaoran saw her glance at it and quickly hid it behind his back. Sakura turned her gaze away from it, pretending that she saw no such thing.
Moment of truth.
"Syaoran… I-I came to say I'm sorry." She said awkwardly.
Syaoran snorted. "You and one hundred other people."
Sakura narrowed her eyes. That was a rude comment. She'll let it go. "All those things that you said that night…they were so true."
Syaoran ignored her, taking a sip of his soda again. "I can't afford to spend the rest of my life imagining what could have been between us."
Syaoran wiped his mouth with his sleeve, straightened up and listened. "I never loved Josh, Syaoran. He was just trying to take advantage of me."
"Uh-huh."
"He-he tried to force me to kiss him when I said I was coming for you." Syaoran raised his eyebrows. His involuntarily crushed his soda can a little bit. "That bastard." He muttered under his breath, but Sakura didn't hear that.
"He-he…I think he tried to…" Sakura broke off, tears beginning to form in her eyes. She couldn't go on.
Syaoran nodded. He was already thinking of ways to murder Josh Koizumi. Prime minister's son, his ass.
"My point is," Sakura summed up her strength, "I've never left you, Syaoran. My heart was always with yours, ever since when we were eight."
"Oh yeah?" Syaoran was finding it hard to believe that.
"I remembered something disturbing…What you told me about how I didn't repay your love was so untrue." Sakura looked down at her feet. "Syaoran, I loved you so goddamn much."
Syaoran paused, his eyes glowing intently at hers for a moment.
"My father told me that you could never be the one for me. I was supposed to marry someone rich and powerful when I grew up, and to never follow my own heart. He made me promise, that bastard made me promise, to never feel the same way you did for me." Sakura felt something in her eyes. Hot tears were starting to roll very slowly down her cheeks. She didn't know why she was getting so emotional all of a sudden. It's barely been five minutes.
"And when I first saw you and began to know you, I fell in love with you again." She grinned, wiping away her tear. "I was so affected by Meiling that I decided to use Josh as an emotional leverage against you."
"Women." She heard Syaoran mutter.
Sakura gave Syaoran a confident smile. "I've missed you…" Syaoran grunted.
She smiled again, sadly. "Same two people: you and me. Same two people that fell in love twice." Sakura stopped here and walked towards Syaoran. She kneeled next to his chair and let her head fall into his laps. "Tell me it's destiny."
Syaoran stared ahead. He felt soothing warmth on his lap and raised his hand to stroke her hair. It was soft and long, and it smelt of a lovely perfume that reminded him of cherry blossoms. "It's destiny." he breathed.
He felt a curve forming against his leg. She was smiling. "I love you, Syaoran." She whispered softly. From up there he could see her eyes glow with happiness and her cheeks slightly red.
He refused to answer her, but only stared afar. The truth is he can't forgive her. He can't forgive her for what she had done, he can't forgive her for how she manipulated him. And yet…he wanted to so much. He wanted to embrace her lips and hold her in his arms, but he can't. He wouldn't allow himself to. The scar was already cut too deep.
He held her face in his hands and allowed her to look up at him. Sakura was smiling, a soft and radiant smile that only made what he had to do only harder. No, there was another reason why she can't be with him. One that was inevitable, one that pained him so much that he hated fate for allowing her to torture him…with sweet love.
Syaoran leaned down and pressed his lips gently against her forehead. Then he pulled her face away from his and whispered, so that only she can hear, "I'm sorry."
Sakura looked back at him. For a moment happiness still decorated her face, but the next second it had gone, making Syaoran wonder if it had really been there. She looked surprised, so delicate and pretty with the soft tone of the light blending beautifully with her egg-shaped face.
It was for the best, he decided. There's no way that they can be together.
No way.
He stood up, leaving her still kneeling, stunned. He walked toward the bedroom, every step a painful move. He loves her. Yet they can't be together.
God, he loves her so fucking much. "I'm sorry, Sakura…" he told her one last time before he locked the door. Sakura remained kneeling on the floor, speechless. Then, without her consent, tears began to trickle down her eyes.
She blinked. More tears. "Syaoran…" she murmured, finally getting up. She walked slowly to the door, turned the door knob, and stepped outside. Then she closed the door behind her and dropped herself against the doorframe, sobbing silently, her tears drowning her blanched face.
"I love you…" she cried helplessly. "I love you so much, Syaoran."
Inside the apartment there was a thump.
…Syaoran lay unconscious on the floor, his hand clutching the bracelet.
S.L + S. K.
Forever…
I hate myself for losing you
(I'm seeing it all so clear)
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you
A/N: hahaah I know I know I was supposed to finish this story with this story, but I got too lazy and too bored to write a really long chapter. The next chapter, I swear, will be the end. You guys will never be able to try to guess the ending, although please try! It's going to be bittersweet, you bet : )
I love all the reviews that you people have sent me. I love you I love you I love you. I hope this chapter will show you what an awful person JOSH is! And the next chapter will make everything clear. Alrighty. The song used in this chapter is Kelly Clarkson's I hate myself for losing you.
And one last thing. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! You guys have no idea how much reviews inspire me. Hahahaha. byeeeeee!
