Okay...for those of you how have been curious about exactly what happened to Nick...HERE IT IS! Please read and review so I know what you thought of it. Thanks!
Lena had succeeded in finding Sam and the pair went off to a multi-purpose room leaving Jack alone with Jacob. They chatted pleasantly about this and that as they made their way down the corridor toward Jack's office. Rounding the corner, Jack was shocked to see Nick Kosovich sitting with his back against the wall and staring off into space.
"Hey Nick..." he said cautiously. The dancer's gaze went up to him, then back down. Jacob came and stood beside his son-in-law. "Isn't that your Ballroom Bootcamp coach?" he asked, a look of concern on his face. He wasn't even going to ask what the man was doing there, since both he and Selmak figured it would be a long story that they currently didn't have time for.
Jack nodded, and crouched down near Nick. "Come on Nick, what's going on?"
Closing his eyes for a moment, Nick turned his head and met Jack's gaze head on. Jack could see great pain in Nick's eyes and the dancer could see recognition and understanding in Jack's. Something in Nick's eyes softened for a moment, then he nodded. Jack took this as an unspoken agreement that meant Nick was ready to tell him what was going on.
Looking at Jacob, Jack jerked his head and Jacob came to Nick's other side. The two men lifted him to his feet and guided him into Jack's office where he sank into a chair like a large sack of potatoes. Jacob gave Jack a slight smile as he closed the door behind him, leaving Jack alone with the troubled ethnomusicologist.
"Anytime you're ready Nick..." Jack said gently. The man in question rubbed his eyes fiercely and took several deep breaths. "I was 12 years old...it was a Tuesday afternoon at about 4 o'clock. My mother had gone to the grocery store across town to pick up some things and Raddeus had a date. My father had left soon after I turned 4 which left me the only one at home that day...with my little brother Thomas Jordan."
Jack's eyebrows raised. "Your little brother?" he asked. Nick nodded and a few tears escaped his eyes. He took a moment to compose himself, then went on. "He was 10 years old and I was his idol...he wanted to be just like me." he said with a derisive snort. "Tommy was sitting at the kitchen table doing his math homework and I was in the living room watching t.v. It was some popular teen show at the time...I can't even remember the name of it now, but my after school life revolved around it, and dancing. Anyway, I was watching this show and Tommy came in. He wanted me to play Battleship with him, but I told him no, I was watching my show and he needed to get his homework done. He asked and asked until I finally lost it..."
Nick rose to his feet and paced in front of Jack's desk. "I...told him to go away and leave me the hell alone." he choked out. Collapsing back into the chair he'd been sitting in, the ethnomusicologist's shoulders shook as he began to cry. Jack watched the dancer for a moment, unsure of what to say or do. Then, he closed his eyes, wondering what he would have done if Charlie or Daniel were sitting in front of him. He reached over and put his hand on Nick's shoulder, pulling the dancer into a gentle paternal embrace. "Let it out, Nick...just let it out."
The weeping man clung to him as though Jack was his lifeline and the colonel wondered what on earth had happened to Thomas. He held Nick for several moments until the younger man's tears began to slow and his grip on Jack loosened. "Are you going to be able to continue?" Jack asked seriously, pulling back and looking Nick straight in the eye. He nodded, and Jack scooted back into his chair, awaiting the next installment.
Wiping at his face with his sleeve, Nick said hoarsely, "I continued to watch my show as Tommy trudged back into the kitchen. At the commercial though, I knew I'd been an idiot and decided to go apologize to him. I called to him and got no answer. I listened for a moment, thinking he was ignoring me, then I realized that the kitchen was too quiet to have a 10 year old in it. I got up and went to the kitchen to find no Tommy and the back door open."
He clenched his good fist and went on. "I thought that he'd gone outside to get me in trouble...we all knew that unless Mom was home, we couldn't go outside. I walked out into the backyard and called him name a few times, thinking he was hiding in the bushes and wanted to pop out at me. He didn't answer and I wondered if he'd been so mad that he walked down to his friend Adam's house to REALLY get me into trouble. I started walking down the alley when I heard the train whistle and the brakes squealing..."
The dancer's body began to shake and Jack winced, knowing in his heart how this story ended, much like Charlie's own tragic end. "We lived near the train tracks and there was no fence. I had this...sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just knew. I ran as fast as I could go down to the tracks...but it was too late."
Placing his head in his left hand, Nick's tears returned. "I got there in time to see them lift his body off the tracks..."
"Nick, it wasn't your fault." Jack told him softly.
His head jerked up, "Yes it was! If I'd just played one game of Battleship with him, my little brother would still be here!" Nick screamed. He began sobbing again and Jack again pulled him into a tight hug. "No one should have to bury their little brother..." the dancer whispered. "I know Nick... I know." Jack replied. "No one should have to bury their son either."
Nick pulled away and looked at him in surprise. "What?"
Jack heaved a heavy sigh. He hadn't told this story in a few years...he hadn't really needed to. "My son found my personal sidearm and accidentally shot himself. I was understandably suicidal afterward and believe it or not, I shouldn't have survived my first trip through the Stargate."
Jack waited while Nick processed this truckload of information and he thought back to his first trip to Abydos. He owed a hell of a lot more than he would outwardly admit to the geeky archaeologist who had allowed him to call him a friend. "Nick, Lena's very worried about you...heck, we're all worried about you."
The dancer closed his eyes in regret. "I just...haven't been able to think very clearly since I found out that she was..."
"Pregnant? Believe me, I'm filled with doubts myself. Would I make the same mistake? Would my marriage to Sam end the same way my marriage to Sara ended? It's not a pretty thought, but I'm talking through it with Sam. If there was one thing I learned from my experiences pre-Stargate, it's that I need to have a more open relationship with my wife than I'm comfortable with. She needs to know EVERYTHING about me, I can't just assume that she knows everything that she needs to know. And I'm talking about every thought I have about any woman other than her included..."
Nick chuckled. "I doubt very much I'd survive any thoughts about any other woman besides her...especially with the hormones!"
Jack allowed a small smile, but turned wisely and said: "If you don't say anything about having thoughts about other women, they assume that you are dangerously in denial. They'll cut you some slack for being male, but if you don't admit to having any thoughts, they'll assume the worst. Even if you really don't see any other woman they way you see them."
"And this ties in...how?"
"Does Lena know about Thomas?"
The dancer bowed his head. "No." He whispered, shamefully.
"Nick, if you don't talk to her, your marriage won't last the end of the year...I can almost guarantee it. I was married to Sara for ten years when Charlie died, and I shut her off. With our early years of marriage built around my black ops operations, this became the proverbial straw, but...that's a cliche and you know how much I LOVE cliche..." Jack said, rolling his eyes.
This elicited a weak laugh from Nick and Jack went on. "Anyway, by the time I came back from Abydos the first time, she'd already left and that's how I learned to talk. It wasn't easy, but after waiting eight years for Sam, I knew that it was worth it. She knows everything...black ops days included. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't pretty, but at least it's all out in the open. That's the best way for it to be."
Nick sighed and rubbed his temple with his good hand. "Yes Jack, but how do you tell your wife that the man she married doesn't even know who he is anymore? That he tried to start over as a new person and now the old and the new are clashing? I don't know how to make the two parts of my life meld..."
Jack threw his hands up in the air. "I can't give you the answers to that, Nick...it's your life and YOU are the one who's going to have to figure that out...but you don't have to do it alone. Lena wants to help you Nick...she loves you more than you'll probably ever know...talk to her and let her into your past."
"Easier said than done..." Nick said. "When you've been hiding something for 20 years, you're not very keen on letting it be known."
"If I can ask Nick, why hide it?"
"Because it tore my family apart..." the dancer replied. "When my mother finally got home, she found one of the train engineers waiting for her. The paramedics had come but there was nothing they could do for Tommy." He breathed a few more times, then got a faraway look in his eyes. "I was standing there, just...staring at the train tracks until she came. I called out to her, wanting her to hug me, to tell me that it wasn't my fault."
Wiping his eyes again, Nick trudged onward. "She...gave me this look, and then she walked away from me...after that, we hardly spoke to each other. The last time we actually had a conversation was when I broke curfew at age 16."
"You haven't spoken to your mother in 14 years?" Jack asked, shocked.
"No...I could tell that she hated me and blamed me for Tommy's death." the dancer said, a note of finality in his voice.
"Nick, I don't mean to sound like a stooge, but she's your mother...how could she hate you?"
"How could she walk away from me when I needed her most?" Nick whispered. "Her entire side of the family shunned me and poor Raddy was left to try and keep everything together. He gave up a lot, just so I could go to college. I graduated early, when I was 16 and started taking college classes soon after. I left for my junior and senior year to attend university at Princeton, then I went up to New York to attend Julliard and it was then while I was getting my ethnomusicology degree that I met Lena. We began dancing together and married a year later."
Jack sat back in his chair. "Nick, you have two people you need to talk to; Lena, and your mother." "I don't want to talk to my mother." came the stubborn reply.
"That's the answer of a scared 12 year old boy who just wanted his mom to comfort him...you need to be the 32 year old man who's going to do what it takes to fix his life." the colonel said bluntly.
"I suppose you're right...thanks for listening to me, Jack."
As he watched Nick leave the room, Jack hoped with everything he had that something he'd said had sunk in. He didn't want Nick to have to go down the same road he had...
