I am the loser of updating :nervous laugh: After a long as heck hiatus, I finally decided to write again. Soo... here's the next chapter! Enjoy! And thanks to all my faithful and kind reviewers-readers who make my day::much love:
Enjoy!
Falling
The air was filled with the early-morning babble of noises as students of all ages made their way to school. The campus was a sea of uniformed figures of various heights, the sky a vibrant blue with lazy clouds dotting it.
"Go on, Kamui, or you'll be late for your first day back," Arashi gently pushed the violet-eyed boy forward to where Yuzuriha was standing, talking with a couple friends. Kamui obediently stepped forward before abruptly stopping and blinking.
"Ah… wait…" the priestess watched confusedly as Kamui whirled around past her, going straight to the tall, emerald-eyed man who'd been standing wordlessly behind them.
Subaru blinked out of surprise as Kamui leaned up to kiss his cheek shyly, only being able to reach the bottom of his jaw, a crimson blush staining his face as he then turned around and ran back to Yuzuriha, bookbag bobbing with each of his bouncing steps.
Sora slapped the omnyoji's back playfully, "Well, isn't that sweet? It's nice to see the kid open up like that. You two are good for each other."
Subaru couldn't help but allow some of Sora's infectious grin to rub off on him, and the corner of his lips tugged upward as he raised one pale hand to touch the spot where Kamui's innocent lips had brushed against it.
If only every day could be like that.
Subaru could feel Kamui's body abruptly begin trembling, and the odd motion roused him from the endless black pit of sleep, where sakuras chased glowing pentagrams, and his sister's voice chided a tall, black-clad figure for not spending enough time with her dear brother, and where blood painted the edge of his vision as a blank unseeing eye bore into the depths of his soul.
Far from a nightmare, for these were the usual contents of his dreams, but nonetheless, Subaru did not regret being woken up from them. Kamui wasn't so lucky. The head of the Sumeragi could immediately see that the younger boy was deep in the throes of an unpleasant dream.
His pale face, still tinged crimson by the fever, formed soundless words. Subaru tenderly wiped the raven-dark bangs from his forehead, where they stuck to the thin sheen of sweat that had formed. He leaned down to kiss him lightly, but Kamui spoke just as their lips brushed against each other.
"Fuuma!" the breathless whisper made Subaru's heart clench, as he raised his head and settled for holding the younger Seal's hand, for more than one reason. He knew better than to break someone's sleep when in the middle of a dream, it was disconcerting and unpleasant, and often caused more shock than relief. Though sometimes, it wouldn't matter if hell woke you up as long as you were out of the one sleep had brought you to.
Subaru was surprised at the slight slit of pain that had torn across his heart at the longing that the dark-haired boy's voice had held for the leader of the Harbingers. And it made him wonder, how many times had Kamui not heard Seishirou's name slip from Subaru's unconscious lips in ecstasy and pain? He had no right to be jealous, or pained…
Sinning in front of each other, but unable to call out because they were both guilty of the same sin. It was a subject rarely breached without purpose and treaded without caution. For they both knew of their forbidden love that much as they wished, would not come to fruition, and they both knew it was the same for the other, and they both understood the pain and the longing, and maybe that was what had tied them together so strongly.
It pained them to know that the other had someone they loved more, but what could they say, when the same was true of themselves? How could one yearn for more than what they had? They couldn't, and so they had turned to each other, and the solace they found in shared feelings was what had sparked the healing light to begin inside their hearts.
Now, every once in a while, they wondered if maybe they had been looking at the wrong person this whole time, and if maybe it was time to open their eyes and drink in what had been so mercifully placed next to them. Sometimes they wondered if maybe it was each other to whom they should turn to once and for all.
But it was too strong a pull to leave their past behind and the faces that glared out from it.
Kamui's eyes suddenly shot open, liquid violet swimming with distress. Thin, shaking hands gripped Subaru's arm with a grip that betrayed his true confusion.
"Kamui…?" the boy didn't respond, his eyes staring fixedly at the ceiling as his breath came in short bursts and his hands held onto Subaru as if his support was thinner than the wind, and only Subaru could strengthen it. Subaru stroked his forehead softly, easing him carefully out his confusion with soothing tones.
"S-subaru…" Kamui's eyes bore into the omnyoji's, the whirling distress calming into a more gentle stirring. A deep sigh came from deeper still in his chest, and the emerald-eyed Seal waited patiently for Kamui to regain his composure.
Running a hand through the younger Seal's silky hair, Subaru watched as Kamui carefully turned on his side, meeting the omnyoji's eyes briefly to convey that he was alright, but aside from that, firmly avoiding the searching emerald gaze, and the questioning murmur of his name. Instead, he curled up close to Subaru, intertwining their hands together and staring at them for a long time. The clock in the room ticked, the sound like miniature explosions in the fatally quiet room. Darkness seemed to inch closer and closer, but still Kamui remained silent, violet eyes focused on their hands. Subaru's fingers twitched marginally at the sudden movement of Kamui's pale thumb stroking the sensitive scar of the inverted pentagram that glowed briefly, a dangerous beacon in the darkness that shimmered with unearthly light. The sight was disturbing, but somehow mesmerizing, much like the Sakurazukamori himself. Subaru's thoughts had begun to stray with images of Seishirou and the emotional void that threatened to overtake him as he fought off the horde of twisting emotions in him when Kamui's voice broke the quiet chaos.
"If you had to choose between me and Seishirou… who would you choose?"
Silence.
It hurt. He'd avoided thinking that ever since the first tendril of war-born caution about emotion had hinted the question at him. He hadn't wanted to think about it and destroy the trust and devotion he felt towards Kamui by choosing one over the other, posing impossibilities that in the end were very much probable but devastating to imagine. He didn't want to think of the stabs his heart was going through and the way shining amethysts glazed with tears at Subaru's apparent abandonment. Violet eyes were still firmly focused on their hands, intense and confused. Subaru wanted to leave, figure out a way to avoid answering…
But the question was there, looming at the door of his heart, and it hurt to breathe just thinking about it. What would he do if he had to choose between his heart and his sanity? Both were too painful to leave, so how could he choose one path over another? Without Kamui, he would have lost everything he was, but everything he was, in the end, was Seishirou's. Equal.
The clock continued to tick, and Kamui's hand had begun shaking, just a mere trembling that ran underneath his skin, but the older man could feel it, so slight in contrast to the hammering of his own heart.
"…I… I don't know."
It was the truth, and at the same time a lie. A deceitful truth. He'd be lying if he said he'd choose Kamui but… he didn't want to hurt Kamui, even with the truth. Because the truth was often more painful than the lie, but it was also something Subaru torturously believed in because he wished he knew the truth behind Seishirou's shrouded heart, if there was one. And yet, the decision wouldn't have been without hesitation. And it was the hesitation that surprised Subaru, because he would have thought that in a heartbeat, if he'd had the choice of being Seishirou's—because he knew it'd never be the other way around— he would have taken it. So why the hesitation? Did that mean Kamui had somehow laced his way into the omnyoji's heart, deep where he could breed tranquility and hesitation?
Subaru was sure that was the truth, and his heart's responding throb agreed. Though the answer was still Seishirou, the mere fact that there was hesitation and pain at the choice meant something. And that was why his answer was both a truth and a lie, and the best way to protect himself and Kamui.
The dark-haired boy's breath came out in a quiet waver, and he smiled, albeit bitterly, "I don't know either."
Fuuma. So that was why he'd asked? To reassure himself that he wasn't the only one torn between two people, unable to choose? That he wasn't the only sinner? Subaru wanted to laugh at the odd irony, but instead just gazed softly at the Seal's hidden face and stroked his hair, making Kamui start and look at him with wide, almost scared eyes.
Of couse, Kamui was only sixteen, insecurity was a given for a boy his age, even more so in his situation. As if there weren't enough psychological and philosophical problems for him to think about as it was—the end of the Earth? His best friend murdering his sister?—to add to this the emotional confusion of love was too much. Subaru, as a grown adult and an emotional void, felt no insecurity, though he did regret hurting Kamui for loving Seishirou, but he had nothing to prove or show the world. His experiences had given him a sort of stability, which was ironical considering it was because of those experiences that his sanity rode on the petals of the sakura. Kamui though, felt remorse at his predicament, even knowing Subaru was in the same one, and had needed reassurance that he wasn't deliberately wrong, that his confusion was acceptable, that he wasn't purposefully hurting Subaru.. in a way, what he'd needed was proof that Subaru was guilty of hurting him too. A justification for Kamui's guilt.
Subaru was sure Kamui had felt pain at his words the same way Subaru had at Kamui's. But that was only fair. Equivalent exchange, was what some would call it. Pain in return for causing someone else's, love in return for having it taken away. The Sumeragi constantly tortured Kamui with the unspoken knowledge that it was the Sakurazukamori that really controlled his thoughts, while Subaru suffered knowing Kamui's mind was in constant craze over his twin star. Kamui's eyes were obscured by raven-tinted bangs, but the dark-haired man frowned to feel the boy's body tense beside him.
"Do… do you love me… at least a little bit?" a small, almost inaudible question, fear of destroying something unspoken of, and the first time the question had been asked. The young Seal's hand tightened on Subaru's and the omnyoji was filled with pity and a warm rush of emotion that threatened to drown him with its unfamiliarity. He tucked a hand under Kamui's chin, lifting it to look into his eyes, even as his beautiful wavering amethyst eyes continued to emit fear, the kind a four-year-old might at the thought of his parents abandoning him. Abandonment… was that what they were afraid of?
His breath ghosted over faintly quivering lips and he knew that if there was one thing he had to make sure Kamui knew, one thing that he could show him without hesitation or confusion, one thing that wasn't tangled up in the strings of Seals and Harbingers, was that he indeed loved him More than his heart understood or his mind would ever consciously grasp, for Kamui was rapidly repairing the broken shards that remained of the Sumeragi, and forever his heart would be joined to the Seal in subconscious gratitude and fervent love.
"Kamui…" his words were physical manifestations as they swept over the young boy's lips, gentle feathering brushes of warmth… "More than a little. Without you, I would have remained lost…" he felt the air being sucked past his lips as Kamui drew his breath in, his face heating rapidly underneath Subaru's gentle hands, his eyes wide and innocent, beautiful, worthy of the most pure-hearted angel in the heavens. It was hard to believe that whispered words in the middle of a calm night could have been such an emotional chaos and whirlwind, and that the gentlest flutters of the wind spoke of volumes of pain and love.
Kamui lowered his head, pressing his face into Subaru's chest, the warmth spreading over the taller man's skin like lukewarm water. Confusion and desperation woven into the Seal's voice became muffled through the folds of Subaru's shirt, but the trembling of his delicate body was obvious, and Subaru gathered him closer, pressing him gently and burying his face in his hair.
"I need you, Subaru… please don't leave me, please! I know I love Fuuma, and I know you have Seishirou, but please stay…" his whisper faded to a mere breath, thin hands grabbing Subaru's wrists almost painfully.
"I'll stay with you until the end of the world…" he murmured, lacing his voice into Kamui's ear. Such a romantic phrase under other circumstances, and between common humans, meaning for the rest of eternity, but to them it was a constriction of time, the complete opposite of eternity. And after that… we'll see… But at least he'd stay by Kamui's side until then. Only fate would decide where his life would go after that, if there was even one left afterwards…
"You will?" His eyes were shining with a mix of anxiety and hope, his voice hitched a breathless octave higher. He was so beautiful, his life so fragile and insecure, and Subaru instinctively leaned down to kiss him, hoping that the world would hold still and the clock would cease ticking, and life wasn't as complicated as their hearts had made it to be.
"I will," he repeated.
There was a zoology book laying open on the table in front of him, and it wasn't until a small bird landed, twittering, on it, that Subaru's mind snapped back from the reverie of two weeks ago. He stared at the bird, standing above the vibrant picture of a falcon violently tearing apart a tiny pigeon. Ironic. He hated irony.He turned his head, and the bird chirped and flew off, only to sit on a branch and stare at him from beady eyes.
For the thousandth time since he'd entered college at the CLAMP Academy, he wondered what was the point of it.He only attended half of the classes, because despite his involvement in the end of the world, and now school apparently, he still had a job. He was an omnyoji, an exorcist. And of course, his all important spot as the head of the Sumeragi family. He was sure as hell not really going to become a zookeeper. He wasn't fit for the job, and it not for him. He had other duties, other dreams now... closer to nightmares.
A short bark of bitter laughter erupted from him suddenly, and he held his head as his sides shook in amusement. A zookeeper! He really had been a naïve little boy, hadn't he? The small bird chirped uneasily and flitted away, and Subaru watched its descent onto another, farther branch with something akin to satisfaction. He didn't deserve to be anything along those lines— caring for animals? He didn't even care about the people he worked for anymore, it hardly made a difference to him whether he got his jobs safely completed or not. If they died, it didn't matter to him anymore. He still tried, but was it his best? A side of him said yes, the unfractured portion that remained of the sixteen-year-old Subaru Sumeragi. But the side that had withered and died, enveloped in a never-ending winter of frost and icicles, said no.
The Sumeragi sighed and closed his eyes, leaning back in the chair as he took another long drag. The smoke spewed out in an unhealthy slithering swirl. If it wasn't for the smell and its danger, the swirling smoke morphing into whatever shapes the wind willed it to was almost hypnotic and beautiful. But the truth superceded the illusion. Why wasn't it so with Seishirou? Why was a part of him still trapped within the illusion that the reasonable side of him said Seishirou was clearly not?
His body shivered involuntarily and he wrenched his mind back to the book lying dejectedly on the table. The anatomy of a bird… he forced himself to focus and instead found his mind wandering onto Kamui. The boy was in school at the moment, they had not seen each other during lunch break as was customary, though Subaru had waited for him. Upon figuring out that Kamui would not appear, he had settled for studying the chapter he had neglected to read during the past week because of work and watching over Kamui. He figured the younger Seal was catching up on all the work that he'd missed as well, and thus had not been able to come meet Subaru.
Another long drag, and Subaru let his mind wander once again.
Ever since that night, things had been oddly tense while at the same time relaxed between him and Kamui. They had decided not to tell the others, at least not yet, if at all. But the constant thought of seeing Seishirou and Fuuma was like a beacon of light calling moths to fire. It was a waiting time bomb, ticking in the back of their heads, and they both urged it to tick faster as well as dreaded the moment when it would explode. Maybe it was the fact that they had both acknowledged their love for another as well as themselves that had eased their relationship. What they had known in the dark was now out in the light, but that was in a way as destructive as not seeing it in light but knowing it was there nonetheless.
They had since talked several times about both Fuuma and Seishirou, and Kamui had expressed his fright and insecurity, while Subaru had learned to become a little bit more human as he listened to Kamui's heart and reflected on the truths he saw there in his own. Subaru had told Kamui more about Seishirou, mulling over his confusion about his feelings and wants, and had come to the conclusion that none of it could be solved without Seishirou himself, just as Kamui could hardly settle anything without Fuuma either. But it was strange, because the reluctance he'd exhibited at talking about Seishirou at first had quickly been washed out by bleak relief. It felt good to air out thoughts that had remained coiled and ready to spring into dangerous action where they could vanish. The darkness wasn't as threatening in the light, and so Subaru had found that maybe expressing things wasn't as bad as he'd thought before. Kamui had been very happy too, at hearing him talk so personally, and Subaru had found that it made him glad too.
He hadn't really realized until that night and the conversations thereafter, how much Kamui really loved and needed him. It was oddly comforting and warmed Subaru with a sort of calm fire that made him want to yield to Kamui and protect him at once. It was calming, like a cool butterfly's touch upon a feverish hand or soothing rain on one's face. The peace of mind he felt with Kamui was something he'd begun to almost crave, it was like an addicting drug, one he had not been able to find since Seishirou had stepped into his life, but now found in the small Dragon of Heaven. His heaven. Kamui.
He shook his head and carefully picked up his book again, this time with a much more serene mind and sharper focus. Kamui had once told him that it would make him very happy if Subaru studied something he wanted to, and Subaru figured, if Kamui wanted him to study, who was Subaru to deny him his happiness? After all, if Kamui was happy, Subaru would be too.
:coos: They're so cute! Hm... I hope this was up to par with the rest of the fic... if not, tell me? That way I'll know to ... revise this I guess. As for the voting... man, it seems pretty tied (can't remember the actual numbers) But... I think I've sort of decided on the ending pairings ... um... kinda. Meaning, even if one pairing ends up being the ending permanent one, there'll be plenty of all pairings that everyone should be happy.
Chris Pwure: Wow, that's a very high compliment. That's the kinda thing that makes me really happy, when I can make someone like a couple they don't normally. :Smiles:
Hiromi-chan: Thanks a lot! I hope this chapter was as good :not sure: Subaru-kun came out weird. Lol.
Subaru's Voice: Suby and Seishirou are so sad! Someone really needs to write a happy fic with them two, lol. After reading so many screwed and twisted fics of them, I think they need a happy place, lol. Unfortunately, this is not it. They need cookies.
Evil Rem: I totally agree! K/S fans need to unite::huggles all four bishies: Even though I love them all in all comMaybe they should make a foursome. O.o .Or not.
Arrhythmic Song: I definitelyknow you love SK.: hasread your fics: And I adore them. The fics I mean. And the pairing, course.:eats Oreo happily: That's my favorite kind of cookie! Yay! Hm... I think I've read your fic... the Post-Promised-Day one. :will go check:
Tezuka Eiri: It is sad! And... maybe he will, but maybe he won't :won't give away secrets: Butyour reviewwas good food for thought. Thanks!
Ginger Ninja: Wow, another incredibly high compliment :blush: I'll do my best to keep that up! I really have a doozy planned, it's just how to actually write it that's got me stumped, ya know?
Enchantress: Lol, 'and if they're still alive'. Thank you::huggles Kamui and Subaru:
Isabeau6: I'm glad you tried out my fic then. I know there's a lot of SK, but I'll make sure to put in a good amount of SS and FK too. Though it may not happen in the next chapter... :trying to see how to incorporate those pairings into the next chapter:
Angel-Kamui::more huggling of SK fans and SK themselves: Thank you!
Tessa Marlene::sweatdrop: It might be a good idea to put my fic on Story Alert, cause my updates are very erratic. I hope you liked this chapter!
Spazzy Risu: Cute name. :blinks: Wow, thanks a LOT. :bluuush: It actually is my first X fic. I read a bunch of really good fics, and got inspired. I need to do that again... lol. Wow. I am totally flattered at your review, and am so glad you think so. Thanks a lot! Being compared to CLAMP... :giddy: I idolize their stuff like crazy. Lol.
Schnickledooger::Blinks: Hey, you reviewed another one of my fics::remembers cause of name she couldn't spell: Lol. Apologies for the lack of SS in this chappie.
Katarik: That's a very very good point, and I'll probably incorporate it a lot in the fic, cause it's so true. His everything... :loves how that sounds:
Jenjenjen: More KamuiSubaruness! Yay! Thanks a lot!
Well, I hope you weren't disappointed in this chapter, as always, please comment on any shortcomings of the fic if you find them! Thank you!
