A/N - Sorry for the delay! The blizzard knocked my power out so I coudln't post last night like I was hoping. Anyway, here we are and thanks for joining along with me on this ride! We are just about half way through. Currently writing chapter 15. Getting close to the end for writing. But…there is lots more for you to read! In this chapter, we see Elliot proving he does care about her more than she realizes, but her fears hold her back. Of course, we also see smut because…that's just the way this story works! Hahaha! Definitely pushing the boundaries but a fun one for sure.
Don't forget to drop a review! Angst and more smut coming soon!
A week later, Elliot was in so deep he knew he'd do just about anything she asked of him. He just wanted her to be happy. He wanted to be the one to make her happy, and he felt like he was and like he could, but he wasn't sure she would let him. At least not long term. One afternoon, they were at work and it had been a lonnnnng day. She was not herself and everyone knew it. The case they were working was overwhelming, and he knew it was probably triggering some old demons with her Mom. He tried, like he'd always tried to check in. Sometimes she'd him in, but today, today she was not.
They were out pounding the pavement as usual trying to interview witnesses and she was irritable. Beyond irritable. He'd watched her practically rip the head off of someone they were talking to, a little old woman in fact and he knew he had to intervene, "Okay." He stepped between her and the woman and smiled, "I think we got enough today. Thank you! Let's go Detective Benson."
Ripping her arm away from him she stomped down the sidewalk, "Get off me."
He dropped his hands at the side and walked towards her, "What the hell was that?" He asked, pointing behind them, "You almost just sent that lady into an early grave…she looked terrified."
"She's holding something back." She said glaring at him, "She knows something. I know she does."
"I think you might be right. But screaming at her like that was not getting us any information. And it sure as hell wasn't how my partner handles witnesses. Or anyone for that matter." He had to walk fast to keep up with her.
She laughed and pulled at her coat, "Well it's been a week of this back and forth bullshit. I just want to get this done. And without that information, we're at a standstill. She needs to woman up and tell us the truth."
"Liv." She didn't stop and he sighed, reaching for her this time, "Olivia."
"Don't touch me." She yanked her arm away again, "Seriously El. I mean it."
A person walking by them gave them both a look and he smiled nervously, "Can you tell me what the hell I did to make you so pissed off?"
She stopped and looked back at him, "This might be news to you Stabler, but not everything is about you."
He settled back on his heels and nodded, "Okay."
"I'm tired. This job sometimes is fucking exhausting and I don't know…" She chewed on her lip and shook her head.
"You don't know what?" He asked, stepping towards her, his heart pounding, "If you want to stay?"
She dropped her head down, "No. That's not…" She took a few deep breaths, "Ignore me. I'm…I'm talking crazy right now. I'm sorry. My head hurts…and I'm…" Her cheeks flushed and she looked up at him, "I'm just tired. Just a bad day. I'll apologize to her later…but I'm apologizing to you now. Okay?"
He looked at her, and saw the way she held her side, grimaced and as the Father of three girls, he knew. And it all made sense. "Okay."
She swallowed the lump in her throat, "Can…can we just go? I'll grab fifteen minutes in the cribs. Regroup and I'll be fine."
He nodded slowly, and tried to smile, "Okay."
She nodded once and started to walk slowly to the car before turning to look at him again, a nervous smile on her face, "Are…are we-"
"We're good." He whispered softly, he saw her shoulders relax and he walked towards her, tentatively placing a gentle hand on her back, "I promise, we're good. We're always good."
She took a deep breath and walked towards the car, she felt guilty. Lately she always felt guilty. Climbing into the sedan, he got in the driver's side and she closed her eyes, resting her head on the headboard. Sometimes being a girl was the fucking worst.
Later that evening, Elliot had finished up his work before her. She'd been called into a meeting as a separate witness and was now behind on her paperwork. She'd taken a quick nap when they got back but he knew she was a mess. He wanted to offer to do the paperwork for her, but he knew she wouldn't go for it. So instead, he stood up, and came up with a separate plan to try and help someway.
Clearing his throat he grabbed his coat, "So…I'm heading out."
Looking up at him from her computer, she nodded, but she looked miserable, "Okay."
He leaned against the desk and tapped the top of hers, "I uh…I've got some errands to run. Then I'm grabbing a bite with Dickie. But…I'll be home after."
She licked her lips and sorted through the paper on her table, "Have a great time."
He sighed and took a step closer to her, "You uh…you doing anything after work?"
Rubbing the back of her neck she laughed, "Yeah. Crawling into bed and hopefully passing the hell out."
He glanced around the squad room and noticed it was mostly empty. And he couldn't help himself. And quite frankly, he didn't care. Bending down so she'd be forced to look at him, he rested his forearm on the desk and reached out, his hand resting on her arm, "Liv." She looked up slowly, shock clearly evident on her face that he was touching her. He didn't move his hand though, he kept it there and waited for her to look directly at him, "You take care of yourself."
Her eyes fluttered down to his hand on her arm, goosebumps prickling on her skin, "I've been doing that my whole life. I will."
His grip got slightly firmer, not hard just reminding her who she was talking to, "I know you have. But I'm not sure you know this…you don't have to do it all alone."
She wanted to cry and she was pretty sure that if he stayed any longer she would. And she couldn't do that. She could not cry in front of him, here of all places. Slowly, she pulled her arm back and reached for the papers beside her, "Go on El. Dickie will be waiting."
He sighed and stood up slowly, he knew that was his cue to leave. He tapped her desk again and nodded, "See you tomorrow?"
She glanced at him quickly and then back at her computer, "See you tomorrow."
And then he was gone.
Bending her head over her desk, she ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. She hated today. She really hated today.
It took her another two hours before she was able to drag herself home. She was starving and yet she didn't have the strength to pick anything up. All she wanted to do was take a long, scalding hot shower and then crawl into bed. She'd started crying multiple times in the cab home and more than once the driver had asked if she was okay. What made things worse was the elevator was out of order and she had to climb the many floors up to her own apartment.
By the time she got to her door, she was so delirious and exhausted she didn't notice what was on the floor until she tripped. "What-"
Through the haze of her tears, she looked down and saw a box on the floor leaning against her door. She was confused because her packages were always downstairs in the mail room. Unless a neighbor got something of hers and dropped it off, she didn't know what it was. Bending down, she saw just her name scrawled across the top in black marker. Only it didn't say Olivia, it said…
Liv in the only handwriting she knew better than her own.
Her heart was pounding as she unlocked the door to her apartment and her hands shook as she carried the box inside. Placing it down on the counter, she held her breath and slowly lifted the top off. The box was full of all her favorite things. Her favorite red wine, her favorite bath salts, lavender scented, a bottle of ibuprofen, all her favorite snacks, cheez itz, smartfood, a gift card to her favorite take out place near by and a big bag of every type of candy she could think of.
The tears from before came pouring down her face and she wanted to scream. At the bottom was a simple note reading:
I may be a man and an idiot most of the time. But I also have three daughters. Wish I could make it better, but hopefully this will help. I told Cragen you had an appointment in the morning. Sleep in and don't come in until after 10. See you tomorrow, partner. Here if you need me. - El
"Damn El." She wiped at her tears and then started to pull everything out, knowing it was exactly what she needed.
Damn him for knowing her so well.
Sitting in the Diner with his son, he was so glad to be spending the time with him one on one. He missed his kids. But he worried most about Dickie. He knew that he was trying to be the man of the house now that Elliot wasn't living there. He was growing up so damn fast and he wished he could make it easier for him. Wished things had gone differently, that he could have saved his kids from this pain.
"So…" Elliot said with a smile as he dipped his fry in ketchup, "I saw that girl you were talking to when I picked you up."
Dickie's face flushed and he looke down, "Dad…chill."
Elliot laughed and leaned against the counter, "What? I'm your Dad. I'm supposed to embarrass the hell out of you when it comes to girls."
Dickie rolled his eyes, "Well then you're doing a great job at it."
Reaching for his soda he took a sip and shrugged, "What's her name?"
Dickie was quiet, but when his Dad just stared at him he whispered, "Lauren. She uh…she just moved here from North Carolina a few weeks ago. We're uh…we're in the same math class. And have the same lunch period…"
Elliot smiled and leaned back in his chair, "And…"
"And…?" Dickie laughed and then fidgeted, "And…I feel like a total idiot when I'm around her."
Elliot frowned and grabbed his napkin, "What do you mean?"
He reached for the wrapper on his straw and began to tear it apart, "I don't know. I'm totally fine…and then she comes near me and it's like I forget how to talk like a normal human being. I stutter and my hands start sweating and I'm nauseous and-"
"And you like her." He said with a laugh, "You really like her."
Dickie grimaced and then groaned, "Crap…I do don't I?"
Elliot laughed harder and leaned against the counter, he pushed his plate over, "Yeah bud. You do." Dickie just stared at him, "I know it's…confusing. And a little scary…and if you have any questions you can ask…I promise it stays here between us."
Dickie looked down at the table, his hands rubbing the top of the counter anxiously, "You uh…you felt this way before?"
"Of course." Elliot whispered "It happens to everyone. It's part of growing up…"
Dickie looked up at him, "This how you felt when you met Mom?"
The way his voice got softer made his heart ache and he smiled, "Yeah…I was an idiot when I met your Mom. I made a total fool of myself in front of her…and yet she put up with me."
"Lauren puts up with me." He said quickly, "Even when I'm an idiot. I mean today I spilled soda all over myself at lunch and she was the only one who didn't laugh. She just pretended like it didn't happen. And she sat with me the rest of the lunch period."
Elliot smiled and whispered, "A week after meeting your Mom…we were hanging out. I was a nervous wreck. I was trying to impress her and I went for a walk in the woods to try and calm down beforehand. Picked her flowers. Or so I thought…"
Dickie frowned and shrugged "What do you mean?"
"I picked her a handful of flowers mixed with a whole bunch of poison sumac mixed in without even realizing it. And I held it in my hands for so long and they were sweating and I touched my face…" His hands were gesturing, "And you can guess where I'm going with this right?"
Dickie was laughing hard, "Dad…you didn't. Mom must have been so pissed that she got it too!"
Elliot shook his head, "She didn't…because as I went to hand them to her she knew exactly what it was and told me. I dropped them on the floor and then started panicking…but by then it was too late. The next day I looked like I'd been in a fight with a whole bush of it and I wouldn't show my face anywhere."
Dickie smiled, "But Mom still came to see you…"
"She did." He said with a nod, "And she never made me feel bad…never embarrassed me. But she took care of me. And that's…when I fell in love."
Dickie stared at his Father and then frowned, "Yet…you still fell out of love."
Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded slowly, "We did." Dickie just stared at him, "And I'm sorry for that…I'm sorry that it hurt her. And that it's hurt you and your sisters. But it happens Dickie. I can't tell you why…but we just grew apart. I'll always love your Mom…I'm just not…"
"In love." Dickie said slowly, Elliot nodded, "That's what Mom said about you…"
Elliot was quiet for a moment and then said, "I know things are different. I know this sucks. I miss you guys…I wish I could make it easier. Make it better. But your Mom and I were fighting like crazy. And that wasn't good for you either. You know that, right? None of us were happy."
"No, I know." Dickie whispered, "I know all that. And yeah…it sucks. But…" He shrugged, "You and Mom both seem happier. Lighter somehow. And that's a good thing. It's still gonna take some time getting used to. But I know it's better for everyone."
Elliot nodded slowly, "You know that even if I'm not there…I'm still here. No matter what. That you can call me if you need me. Day or night. And I'll be there."
Dickie swallowed hard, "I know. We all know that Dad…"
Elliot frowned, "I was a crappy husband to your Mom. I'll admit that. And I haven't always been the best Father but-"
"You're too hard on yourself Dad." Elliot sat back slowly, "You work your a-" Elliot shot him a look and he laughed, "I just mean you work really hard to provide for us. And…to keep us safe. And as a kid I didn't always see that. But I do now. I'm glad you're my Dad. Do I wish you were around more? Sure. But…I'm a lot luckier than most of my friends. I know that. I have two parents who actually care about where I am, what I'm doing and who support me. And even though sometimes I'd like to not have a Dad who can literally pinpoint my location with a phone call…" Elliot laughed, "I guess…at the end of the day it's not so bad."
Elliot reached out to his son and put his hand over his, "Hey kid…that means more than you know. I…I-"
"Love you too Dad." He said with a smile, he hadn't said it in a long time. He pulled his hand back and reached for a fry, "Can we eat now?"
Elliot laughed at the sudden change of topic, a typical teenager, "Sure."
They sat in silence for a moment, both of them focussing on eating before Dickie asked "Hey Dad?"
He glanced up at him as his phone pinged in his pocket, he pulled it out and asked, "Yeah?"
"You think you could feel that way about someone again? The way you felt about Mom in the beginning?" He asked.
Elliot's eyes lowered to his phone and saw Olivia's name pop up on the screen. He scrolled through to read the message, worried she was going to be upset with him. Instead he saw the words, Thank you partner. And his heart soared. Three simple words but to him, it gave him hope.
Clearing his throat, he tried to hold in the smile to not give himself away too much, "Yeah…I think I could feel that way again." He paused for a moment and then looked at his son, asking a question he feared the answer to, "Would…would that be okay? I mean would you and your sisters…be okay with me dating?"
Dickie smiled, knowing that his Father already had someone in mind. He'd already discussed it with his sisters. And yeah, it was gonna be hard. And yeah, it was gonna be a little painful at first but if his Dad was happy, then they could be happy too. Dipping a fry in his ketchup he nodded, "Yeah Dad. It would be okay. If…it's the right person. If they make you happy…then it would be okay."
He let out a shaky breath and smiled, relieved that in some way he had permission from his kids to be happy. Now…the only way to make this worth it would be to make the woman that made him happy just as happy as she made him. Lifting his phone he typed a quick reply and hoped, really hoped that his gesture made her realize how much he did actually care.
Anytime partner.
The next morning, Olivia had slept in late as he had told her too. She'd taken a long bath, the kind of bath that eased away all her stress. She'd ordered dinner, had a large glass of wine and felt all the tension from the day and her cramps disappeared. Afterwards, she crawled into bed, with her favorite snacks and candy, popped some ibuprofen and watched some romantic comedy that made her cry her eyes out. And then she'd fallen asleep. The type of sleep where you're so deep in that absolutely nothing could wake you.
And when she woke up, she felt like a new woman. On her way to work, she picked up Elliot's favorite coffee from the cafe beside her apartment building and his favorite muffin. Walking into the squad room, she saw that it was pretty mellow, and for that she was grateful. Cragen walked up beside her and smiled, "How was your appointment? Everything good?"
Olivia nodded, "Everything is good yeah…thanks for letting me come in late."
He smiled and placed a hand on her arm, "Hey, you put a million hours in here kid. Everyone deserves a break and needs to take care of themselves from time to time. You're good."
She nodded and held up the tray, "I'm gonna go see what's on our plate today…"
"I'm headed out for a meeting with the Brass but I'll be back sometime after lunch. Make sure everyone behaves, you're the only one I trust." He said with a teasing smile, "You'll be running this place someday."
Olivia laughed and shook her head, "No I won't…"
"Yeah. I think you will." He whispered, squeezing her arm, "And you'll have earned it."
She watched her boss walking away and she felt her heart jump in her chest. The idea of her being Captain was something she'd never anticipated. Especially not here. She'd always imagined Elliot in that role. But what if he left? What if he wanted to work somewhere else? What if they weren't partners anymore? She'd left…and she'd hated working without him. But what if this wasn't forever? Turning slowly, she looked back at the squad room, the people she cared about. She didn't want this place to change. She felt safe here. She knew who she was here. This was the only place she felt home. The only place she'd ever felt home…
"Morning Liv." John said walking up to her, "Slow day."
Olivia looked back at him and nodded slowly, "Oh. Hey. Morning…yeah looks like it."
He let out a shaky breath, "I'm glad for it to be honest. I think we all needed a breather."
"Yeah…we did." She pulled the strap of her bag, "Guess we should enjoy it while we can."
John smiled and nodded, "Definitely."
He walked away and she slowly made her way towards her desk, the one that sat across from his. He was writing something down, and hadn't looked up yet. But somehow as she stood beside his desk, he sensed her. He always did. She saw a slow smile on his face as he whispered, "Hey partner."
"Howdy." She whispered nervously, sliding the coffee towards him and the muffin, "Mid morning pick me up."
He turned slowly, and reached for the coffee, his fingers overlapping with hers, "Thank you."
"Anytime." She whispered, giving him a slow nod before walking to her desk and sitting down.
They sat across from him and settled into her desk, rummaging through her desk to start her day. And he sat there, his hands wrapped around the coffee cup in front of him, it was still warm. She looked relaxed, much better than yesterday. And it warmed his heart. More than that, she looked beautiful and he wanted so badly to lean over and kiss her. Just a quick, soft kiss. Something intimate and gentle. Nothing sexual, just a kiss to say, I'm here and I'm glad you're here too.
But he couldn't. He knew he couldn't. For so many reasons. So he smiled, took the coffee and took a sip, "Have a good night? Get some rest?"
She nodded slowly, "I did. It was exactly what I needed…" She cleared her throat and whispered, "I apologized…to Mrs. West too. Called this morning. She agreed to come in later…to talk to us."
Elliot nodded slowly, smiling softly, "That's great."
She reached for a pen and asked, "Have a good night with Dickie?"
He leaned back in his chair and smiled, "I did. It was nice…just hanging out alone. He needs that I think."
Olivia reached for her own coffee and took a sip, "I'm sure. You should make it a weekly thing, or as often as you can. A father son day."
"I'm definitely gonna try." He said with a sigh, "He has his first big crush you know…told me all about her last night."
Olivia laughed and nodded, "Oh yeah? God…how can that be possible? I feel like he was just learning to ride his damn bike like it was yesterday. Out in Central Park…remember?"
Elliot laughed, "God…yeah I do. You came down because I left my wallet at work to drop it off. I was meeting them there and he was struggling. He was so upset about it. And we'd been going back and forth for an hour. And next thing I know…you're standing there and I said…ride straight to Olivia. And he looked at you and just…took off."
Olivia smiled, "I was shocked. But he came flying at me…almost hit me like a rocket. But he slammed his hands on the breaks."
"And he woulda gone flying over the handlebars if you hadn't grabbed him." He said with a laugh.
She swallowed hard, "I remember…"
"Me too." He whispered, "I remember it all…"
Her face flushed and she looked down, "Well he's your kid…course you do."
Taking another sip of his coffee he said, "I wasn't talking just about him…"
Her eyes fluttered up to him and her mouth fell open slightly. Her heart was racing and she didn't know what to say. Lucky for her, she was interrupted when Fin walked over, "Hey, Liv can you help me for a second? I need to find that file on the O'laughlin case but I've looked everywhere."
Olivia looked over at him and nodded, "Sure. No problem." Standing up, she took a step and then looked back at Elliot, "I'll…I'll be-"
"Yeah." He said with a nod, "I'll be right here."
She swallowed hard and walked towards Fin, suddenly needing as much space between them as possible. It was all too much.
Later that afternoon, it was still pretty dead around the squad room. So dead that Olivia and Fin were organizing old files in the corner. Cragen had sent John home and Elliot was at his desk transferring old paper files to digital documents. Or so he was supposed to be…instead, he was mesmerized by Olivia which was nothing new. She had no clue what she was doing though, but Fin sure did.
Looking between his friends, he couldn't help but laugh. They're idiots, he thought. Total idiots. Olivia was sitting there, browsing files, perched on the table, legs swinging as she hummed. And in her mouth was a lollipop. She was so focussed on her task at hand, she didn't realize just how hard she was going on said lollipop either, in and out, sucking, licking the top. And poor old Elliot looked like he was going to internally combust at any second.
His laughing finally caught Olivia's attention and she turned towards him, frowning softly, "What's so funny?"
"Are you trying to actually kill the man?" He asked with a laugh, "I mean…you're doing an awfully good job at it if you are."
She narrowed her eyes on him and shook her head, "What the hell are you talking about?" She popped the lollipop back into her mouth, holding it against her cheek.
"Go any harder on that lollipop and he's gonna know what it's like to-" He made a crude gesture and she jumped.
Olivia's eyes went wide and she gasped, "Fin!"
He threw his hands up, "I'm just saying! He looks like he's gonna pass out!"
"Tutola." Cragen shouted, "Why don't you knock off too. Days not getting any more exciting."
Fin looked at his boss and nodded, "Got it Cap. Thanks." Pushing himself off his chair and he leaned into her, "Cut the poor guy some slack Benson…he can only take so much."
Looking at Elliot out of the corner of her eyes, she saw the blush in his cheeks. She saw him turn away and shift in his seat, clearly he was uncomfortable. She swallowed hard and looked down at the lollipop in her hand. Why she'd even thrown it in her bag when she left work, she didn't know. It was in the bag of candy he'd given her and she was still craving something sweet. But now, she wished she'd grabbed a candy bar instead. She saw him look at her again, and then look away quickly.
And then an idea popped in her head. A way to say thank you…and a way to help him out now. She'd never risk it on a busy day. But…maybe just maybe they could get away with it today. At least she hoped so. Pushing herself off the table, she walked towards their joined desks. He cleared his throat nervously as she approached and leaned against the corner of his desk, she lifted the lollipop and licked it slowly, "I'm tired."
He looked at her for barely a second before looking down again, not being able to handle it, "What? Oh. Yeah…me too. Slow day…makes ya tired."
She sighed and slipped the lollipop back into her mouth, "Mmm…"
He chewed on his lower lip and shifted slightly, "Uh…"
"I think I'm gonna go hit the cribs for a bit." She said slowly, "It's dead down here…I doubt Cragen would mind if you did too."
He glanced at her nervously, "What?"
She shrugged and pushed off the desk, "Just letting you know where I'll be…"
He watched her go, his heart racing and he didn't think he could fully process what she suggesting. And yet…he couldn't help himself. He'd been watching her longingly and now he was following her like a lost little puppy. And by the time he walked into the cribs, she was perched on the edge of one of the single beds, that damn lollipop still in her mouth, "He followed."
Elliot swallowed hard, "I followed…"
Rolling the lollipop between her lips she nodded towards the door, "Lock it."
Her voice was clear and confident, sure of herself. Bold. And god she was fucking sexy. He took a breath and tried to clear his head, "Liv…"
She smirked, shook her head and said more firmly, the lollipop still locked in her mouth, "Lock. The. Door."
His hands moved before he could stop himself and he heard the click of the lock behind him. He heard her laugh slightly, suck the lollipop firmly into her mouth and release it with a loud pop that made his cock twitch. Then that familiar glint in her eyes returned and he knew he was in for it, "Good boy…"
He took a breath, filling his chest completely before asking, "There you go again. Comparing me to a dog…"
She crossed her legs and shrugged, "I don't know…you can be pretty animalistic at times. Plus…you really seem to favor doggy now that we've done it."
He took a step towards her and shoved his hands in his pockets, "Can you blame me? Ever seen your ass Benson?"
She smirked and shook her head before slowly standing up, "I have. But…I have to say I prefer yours. You weren't voted best ass in the NYPD for nothing."
His eyes went wide and his mouth fell open, "I was what?"
She laughed and pointed the lollipop at the bed, "Sit." He didn' move and she rolled her eyes, "Fine it was only me and Casey voting but you won by a landslide."
He smirked and walked closer to her, "You and Casey have discussed my ass?"
"Don't get your ego blown out of proportion. She was drunk as all hell and upset about that jerk Kent who dumped her. So I told her to think about other attractive men. There were many categories. But yes…yours came up as the best ass for her." She said with a shrug.
He leaned closer, "You said you voted too."
She huffed, blowing her bangs out of her face as she walked towards him, "I simply agreed that yes…you do have a great ass." She wiggled her eyebrows at him, "And that was long before I saw it up close and personal…"
Crossing his arms over his chest he watched her carefully, "Liv…"
"Fine, you're not gonna sit." She took another step towards him, "Make me do all the work why don't ya."
His heart started racing as she stepped towards him, "Am I getting a treat or something?" She looked up at him and he smiled, "Ya know…since I'm a good boy."
"Hm…" She stepped all the way up to him, placed the lollipop back in her mouth and reached for his belt buckle, tugging it out of its loops slowly, "I'd argue I'm the one getting a treat…"
His hands shot out and stilled her, "Liv…you don't need to do this. I mean I know you're…it's not…"
She tugged harder on his belt and started to walk him backwards, "You're right. Sadly…I can't right now but you can."
He was hard as a rock and God he wanted this but being who he was, he couldn't let it happen, at least not without trying to offer an out for her. He was a man after all and God he wanted this. "Liv…"
She shoved him hard against the concrete wall and smirked, "Elliot…stop talking."
His hands pressed into the wall behind him and he sucked in a deep breath, "You're really gonna do this?"
Holding the lollipop out beside them, she leaned in and kissed him roughly, "I'm really gonna do this." She kissed him again, her hand stroking him gently, she moved towards his neck, "Consider it a thank you…"
He cleared his throat and his head fell back, his eyes straining to stay open, "You-you don't need to thank me."
"Sure I do." She said, lowering herself to the ground as she kissed her way down his chest, "I was a raging bitch to you yesterday and you somehow managed to not kill me and also make me cry."
His eyes snapped open and he looked at her nervously, "I made you cry? What? Liv, I'm…whatever I did I'm sor-"
She laughed and pressed her fingers to his lips, "Because you sent me that insane box of everything I wanted and needed and I appreciated it. So be quiet and take it like a man."
He relaxed slightly and watched her as she fell to her knees, "I felt bad…you were having a shit day. And when I have a shit day you always-"
"Elliot." She groaned and looked up at him, "Please…stop talking."
He frowned and reached out to touch the side of her face, "You don't need to-"
Suddenly she was standing up again and she was shoving her half eaten lollipop in his mouth, "Fine. You take over this…it will keep your mouth occupied."
And then she was back on her knees again and he groaned as her lips wrapped around him, sucking him in slowly, "Blue raspberry…"
She laughed, holding him in her mouth as she caressed his balls, "My favorite."
Sucking hard on the lolliopop he hissed and his hand tangled in her hair, "Fuck…yes. This is my favorite."
She laughed and pulled back, her hand pumping him slowly, "Big fan of the oral sex huh?"
He laughed and looked down at her, his words muffled as he continued to suck on the blue lolliop, "Big fan of the oral sex."
She laughed, rolling her eyes and whispered, "Such a typical man."
He took a breath as she wrapped her lips around the tip of him again, sucking hard like he had watched her do earlier with the very pop in his mouth, "I think it has a lot to do with the woman performing this act…"
Her eyes looked up at him, and she saw that look, that look that made her think that maybe this was more than she was allowing it to be. But God it scared her. So in typical Olivia fashion she made a joke, "I'm already on my knees Stabler…you don't have to sweet talk me." He went to respond but she quickly went back to work, sucking hard and her hand pressed into his belly, her fingers clawing at him.
"Aw fuck…" He said with a satisfied laugh, his hand covered hers, "Jesus Christ Liv…"
Her mouth moved up and down, alternating between fast and slow, swallowing him fully until he touched the back of her throat. She hummed around him, her hands caressing the base of him. He'd asked her that first day if she enjoyed going down on a man. And her answer had been yes. But what he didn't know was that she'd never enjoyed it more than when it was with him. She loved pleasing him. Loved showing hims omethign new, something him this side of sex, loved the power she felt preforming the act. He grunted, his hand tugging harder on her hair.
She knew they didn't have much time, they could both get called down stairs at any minute. Or someone could start knocking on the door which was never locked. But the thrill of this filled her with a sense of determination and focus. Pulling back, she pumped him hard and fast, her tongue swirling around the tip of him, "Feel good?"
He was panting hard, staring at her in awe, "You're fucking joking right?"
She sighed and licked him from base to the tip, "Lesson on public sex…or in this case public hooking up." She said with a laugh, "Thoughts so far?"
He thrust his hips forward, his cock sliding between her hands, "I can't believe we're doing this here…but I've always wanted too."
She laughed and leaned in again, her breath warm on his cock, "Not the interrogation room…but still pretty hot."
The image of her bent over the interrogation room table filled his head again and pulled the lollipop from his mouth, "We ever do that…and I may actually internally combust."
She laughed around his cock, and the vibrations made him shudder, "Good to know."
He knew she felt it, his body was tense and he was breathing hard. She moved faster, sucking, licking, stroking, and when his breath caught in his throat, she looked straight up at him. Because she knew. She knew he loved that. That he needed that. And then he exploded and she swallowed him further into her mouth, her eyes still trained on his, dark, intense, beautiful. He saw her swallow slowly, before pulling him all the way out of her mouth and smiling, "Hm…tasted like blue raspberry."
His head fell back and he laughed, "You…you are something else Detective Benson. Did you know that?"
She smiled sheepishly and stroked him softly, "So they tell me…"
Reaching out, he pulled her up by her elbows and stood her in front of him, "Liv…"
Shaking her head, she sighed and leaned in to kiss him softly, "We should both brush our teeth before we go back down. Your lips are blue…and so are mine." She laughed and looked down at him, "Luckily…that's the only thing that's blue though."
He chuckled again and reached out to touch her face, "Probably smart…"
She kissed him again and pulled away, "I'll go first. Take a few minutes…calm yourself down and all that." She winked and took the lollipop from him and popped it back in her mouth, "Thanks for the candy…it was really inspiring."
He wanted to pull her closer but she slipped away from him and he knew better than to push it. She held onto his hand until the last second, her fingers brushing his lightly and she smiled around the lollipop. God she's beautiful he thought. I just wish she was mine…
That night when it was time to go home, Elliot insisted on driving her home and she didn't have the strength or the heart to say no. She wanted to spend time with him, but she also knew that he'd ask to come up, she sensed it. Maybe this was going overboard. Even if he wanted to spend more time with her now, he wouldn't at some point. And she wouldn't let herself think she could have it all with him.
Pulling up in front of her apartment building, he parked the car and turned to look at her, "Your stop madame."
She laughed and reached for her bag, "How much do I owe you?"
"Not a dime." He said, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, "It's on my way."
"It was never on your way when you still lived in Queens." She said with a smirk, "So explain that one."
His hand closed around the steering wheel and rubbed it gently, "Just looking out for my partner…"
"Hm." Sliding the bag over her arm she smiled, "Well…thank you."
He couldn't stop himself, "You wanna hang out a bit?"
Clearing her throat she sighed, "I uh…I kinda just want to go to bed early again tonight. Still uh…not feeling the greatest."
Elliot nodded slowly, "Yeah alright…"
She frowned softly, "I just…I'm sorry El. I'm…"
"You don't have to apologize." He said with a smile, "Three daughters, remember?"
She smiled sheepishly, "Yeah. To be honest…I bet you're glad I even got my period. For a minute there I was…" Her face flushed and she looked away, "Anyway, I will…see you later."
His heart was racing and he reached for her before she could slip out of the car, "Hang on a second. What? For a minute there you were…"
Clearing her throat she lifted her hand and brushed her bangs aside, "Look, it's no big deal. It was just stress I'm sure. I was a day or two late which is unusual for me…but as you know…we're good. So you can breathe Stabler. The world will not have a 5th Stabler."
She went to move again and he reached for her, his fingers wrapping around her wrist, "Olivia, wait." His mind was reeling but as a typical man, he instantly said the wrong thing, "You said you were on the pill."
"I am." She said defensively. "But things…things happen El. And when you're…" She rolled her eyes, "Going at it as much as we are…I got a little panicked. But like I said…we're fine."
She pushed her way out the door and whispered, "You want kids."
It wasn't a question or a statement but she turned to him, "Yeah. So?" He just stared at her, wanted to say he'd love to have kids with her but he was afraid if he did she'd run for the hills. But then…she said something that made his heart ache. "Only if I ever find the right guy and clearly at this rate…that's never happening."
It hurt more than he'd ever be able to admit to hear her say that but he leaned back and nodded, "You'd be a hell of a Mom Liv."
She squeezed down hard on the strap of her bag and whispered, "Well…you're a hell of a Dad Stabler." He just stared at her and she fidgeted slightly, "We'll…be more careful. Go back to condoms if you want or…I mean maybe you'll meet someone else soon and we'll just be able to stop."
"Stop." He said with a nod, "Right. Cuz this is just…"
"Sex." She said quickly, "A friend helping out a friend…and you've done quite well. You'll be just fine on your own."
His hand gripped the steering wheel and he cleared his throat, "I should go. Let you get your rest."
She nodded slowly, "You have the kids tomorrow…have a good time."
"I will." He said with a nod, "Have a great time…doing whatever you decide to do."
Offering him a small wave she whispered, "Night El."
"Night Liv." He waved back, before she shut the door he said, "Blink your lights."
Bending down slightly, she smiled at him and nodded, "Always."
He sat in the car, his heart pounding as he watched her walk into the building. And the whole time he waited for her to blink her lights, he thought about what it would be like. To have a child. A child with Olivia. A little girl with brown hair and big brown eyes. A girl who was stubborn, and fierce, adventurous, smart, kind, bold, independent and funny as all hell. A little girl who would have him wrapped around his finger from the moment she came into the world.
But that was never going to happen. She would never allow that. He had four kids of his own yes and he loved them more than anything. Nothing would ever change that. He'd once said he'd kill himself if Kathy had another, and to be fair, he meant that. But mostly because he knew that another kid would make things even worse for them. It wasn't in the cards and that was a good thing. But a child, a child with Olivia…to see her pregnant with his baby, boy or girl for that matter, well that, that would be completely different.
And God help him he wanted it. Looking up, he saw her blink her lights three times just like she always did and he sighed, whispering to himself, "Just let me in, Liv…please let me in."
But as he drove away he knew it wasn't going to be easy…nothing ever was. At least not with the two of them.
The next few days passed in a blur, the quiet didn't last long and they were working overtime. When he wasn't at work, he was usually with the kids and there was very little time for any time to talk with his partner. And they sure weren't putting in any of their lessons. Sitting on the couch late one night, he was staring at the TV but not even watching what was on.
He missed her. God he fucking missed her and he'd spent the entire day with her at work. But work was work. And they had to be different there. He wanted her here. He wanted to touch her, to kiss her, he wanted to take her to bed. But more than that, he wanted the chance to just have her beside him. Pressed against him, he wanted to hold her. Talk about their crappy day at work. Laugh about the idiodic things that John had said, get annoyed over the speech that Tucker had given about all of their work ethics.
He just wanted to be with her, and as close as they'd gotten over the last few months, he'd never felt so far away from her in the eight years that they'd known each other. Not even while she was in Oregon. He was just about ready to call it a night and try and knock out early when his phone started ringing. Fearing it was work, he closed his eyes and pressed it to his ear, "Stabler."
"Got anymore of those lollipops?"
His eyes went wide and he sat up slowly, "What?"
He heard her laugh on the other end of the phone, "I asked if you have any more lollipops."
Leaning forward, he rested his elbows against his knees, "Liv?"
"Who else would be calling you at 8 at night asking you about lollipops?" She teased, "Unless you want to tell me that you met the love of your life…"
He pressed his fingers into the bridge of his nose, "Olivia…"
He heard her shift slightly from wherever she was sitting, "Again…I ask…do you have any more lollipops?"
He cleared his throat and nodded, "I have a whole bag."
"Good." She whispered, "Bring them over. Keys under the mat. Got another one of those pop quizzes for you."
And then she hung up. He sat there on the couch wondering if he should call her back and put a stop to all of this. But he knew…he knew he couldn't. Because he wanted her so damn badly, and if he stopped, if he walked away he really felt like he'd lose her forever. Flipping off the TV, he stood up, went into the kitchen and grabbed the bag of lollipops he had purchased and then he was out the damn door.
Fifteen minutes later, he stood outside her apartment. The entire way over here he wondered if he was making the right choice, if he had made the right choice the first time he'd shown up here or if he had screwed this all up. But one way or another, he felt like they would have wound up crossing a line. It felt inevitable. Like they were two stars always destined to cross paths and cause some sort of explosion, some disturbance in the universe.
She made him crazy. No one could push his buttons the way she did. No one knew his darkest secrets. No one could make him that angry. And yet no one made him laugh harder. No one understood him like she did. No one believed in him, pushed him, supported him or encouraged him the way she did. And no one intrigued him, no one challenged him, excited him like she had.
So before he could stop himself, he bent down, lifted up the little mat there and found the key. Sticking it in the lock, he pushed the door open and noticed that it was quite dark inside the apartment. But he sensed her, he always did. He stepped further into the space, and took a breath. And then he saw her. Sitting, just sitting on top of the island counter. Her legs crossed. And then he noticed her outfit. A pair of black heels, bare legs up to her knee where she had a tight black pencil skirt on. Her torso was covered by a long sleeved white blouse that dipped low, exposing the top of her black bra underneath. Her hair was tossed up in a messy bun, her makeup dark, lips red, dark eyeliner and a pair of glasses perched on her nose.
"Ready for your test?" She asked with a smile, tipping her glasses forward.
He gulped hard and walked towards her, "Nice outfit…"
Uncrossing her legs, she pressed her palms into the counter below her and smiled, "Well…I thought it was time I lived up to the Professor status…"
He found himself drawn to her as he walked slowly towards her, his leg swung up around the stool in front of her and he sat down, "What's my test about?"
She leaned forward and asked, "Did you bring the lollipops?"
He pulled the bag up onto his lap and nodded, "I did…"
Her foot lifted and she reached out, nudging his thigh with the tip of her heel, "Why don't you pick a flavor." He looked up at her and smiled, "Your favorite flavor."
His heart was racing and he wanted to say that she was his favorite flavor but he didn't. At least not outloud. He looked at her for another moment, then looked down and reached into the bag, "My favorite was always cherry…"
Smiling, she took the pop from him and slowly began to pull off the wrapper, "Cherry it is."
He dropped the bag beside him on the floor and watched in amazement as she held the lollipop out between them, "Liv…"
She shook her head and whispered, "I'm the teacher…remember? You have to follow my directions. All of them. Otherwise…you don't pass. Understood?"
He swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded, "Understood."
Holding the lollipop closer to him she smiled, "Lick."
He leaned in and held out his tongue, slowly, very slowly he took his first lick, "Mmmm…"
He watched her begin to spread her legs wider and he knew she wasn't wearing anything underneath. "Hold this for a second…"
He took the lollipop and watched her, licking it slowly, rolling it in his mouth. She never looked away from him, kept her eyes straight on him. Her hands moved up and she pulled at the top button, and then the second and his heart beat faster and faster. "Tell me Elliot…out of all your lessons…what has been your favorite?"
He laughed and held the lollipop in the side of his mouth, "I have to pick one?"
She shrugged, "You don't have too…" She inched closer to the edge of the counter and began to pull her blouse off, her breasts pressing against the lace of her bra as she breathed, "I'm just curious…"
Elliot looked her over, his eyes roaming over her body and he groaned, "Truthfully, I've loved all of them. But I think one of my favorites…" He sighed, "Was learning how to please you…with my mouth."
She reached out and took the lollipop from him, and popped it in her mouth, "Well that's good…because that's what your test is on today."
His palms started sweating and he scooted closer to her, "Was I not doing it correctly? Do I need-"
"No." She said with a smile, "You've done a hell of a job Stabler…" Scooting closer to the edge of the counter, "I guess I want to see how much you've learned…compare and contrast a little."
He smirked, and watched as she began to bunch up her skirt around her hips and spread her legs wider, "Fuck Liv…"
She sighed and rolled the lollipop between her lips and then pulled back, the lollipop was wet and she pressed it to her lips, "Kiss."
He pushed up on his feet, not even hesitating. And he kissed her, tasting the cherry lollipop and her, "Olivia…"
She shook her head and licked the lollipop again, and pressed it between her breasts, "Lick."
He swallowed hard and lowered himself down, his tongue pressing into her skin, "Mmm…"
She sighed and her head fell back, again she lowered the lollipop and pressed it around her navel, "Lick…"
He smiled, bending down in front of her and his lips covered her belly, his tongue circling her belly button as she popped the lollipop back in her mouth. He looked up at her as she pushed him back with her heel, he fell back on the stool slightly and watched her. She swirled the lollipop around in her mouth and then brought it down between her legs. She was biting her lip, watching him as he stared at her pussy, like a man ready to pounce. She ran the lollipop around her clit and whispered, "Lick…"
Leaning forward, his hands slid up her thighs, his fingers trailing along her skin as he leaned forward and his tongue licked slowly. Her head fell back and she moaned loudly. Slowly, she lay back against the counter and smiled down at him, "Again…"
He took a deep breath and moved his tongue, a little faster this time, around and around her clit. Lifting one of her left legs, she pressed her heel into the countertop and her hands reached up and squeezed her breast through the lace of her bra. Her other hand dropped with the lollipop and nudged him aside, sliding it along her dripping lips, "Lick Elliot…"
He grabbed the lollipop from her, not able to hold back and he went in, ready to take over completely. Her fingers threaded through his short hair and she rocked her hips against his mouth. Grinding down against him, her excitement building and building. She felt him pull back and she whimpered but only smiled when he rolled the lollipop against her lips once more, and around her clit. "Cherry…" He whispered, "My favorite…"
She laughed and he pulled her further off the edge, her ass hanging over the side. He held her firmly with his hands and buried his face between her legs. Lapping up all that she offered him. He thrust the lollipop back towards her and she put it to her lips, sucking along as he did the same below her waist. Olivia couldn't help but think of that first time they'd done this. She was blown away then, but now she could barely see straight.
She could barely breathe. Her skin was flushed, her hair sticking to her face and neck as he devoured her. She'd never felt anything like this, what it felt like for him to touch her this way. You weren't supposed to share this with your partner. You weren't supposed to let them touch you this way. And yet she couldn't stop this. She'd spend most of her night telling herself not to call him. To just stop all of this, but she couldn't. She knew she couldn't. They couldn't.
She found herself rising, that feeling that started from her toes and her head fell to the side, "Oh my God…fuck…fuck…"
He growled against her, like an animal devouring his prey. His lips pulled at her clit, and then he thrust his fingers up inside of her, hard and fast, curling upward just like she'd taught him that first day. Her legs closed in around him, trapping him between her legs. Her fingers tugged on her nipple between the rough lace, "Fuck. Elliot! Yes!"
As soon as she came crashing down around him, he tasted all she had to offer and then pulled himself away. She was writhing on the counter and he kicked off his shoes, yanked off his jeans and boxers and left his shirt on. Pulling himself up, over her he spread her legs, and suddenly thrust forward. He didn't even hesitate or need to look. He was in her, fully in her, right where he belonged. She cried out, and her legs wrapped around his waist. Lifting her hand, she pulled him closer by his shirt, "Elliot…"
He leaned forward, capturing her lips with his, and she tasted herself, and the mixture of the cherry lollipop. He had her pinned against her own kitchen counter, neither of them fully naked and he was fucking her, so hard, so deep that she could feel him everywhere. She fisted his shirt and felt a bead of sweat drop from his forehead to her neck as he devoured and pounded into her, "Fuck…Olivia…God I want you. I want you all the fucking time."
One hand slid up under his shirt and clawed at his back as she panted, "Fuck me. Fuck me Elliot. Just like this."
Hovering over her, his arms, as strong as they were, shook as his body rocked against her. In and out, over and over he moved, filling her, becoming one with her in every sense of the word. And he didn't ever want to stop her. And under him, she held on for dear life as if she thought that if she let go, he'd disappear from this place. Her body arched up into him and she reached for him, pulling his face towards hers, needing to see his face, "Kiss me."
He leaned in, his lips barely an inch from hers, his eyes locked on hers as he pounded her into the counter, their skin slapping against one another, "Tell me you love it when I'm inside of you." He growled, "Tell me you need me."
Her hand slipped down his back, harder, "Ah! Elliot I love when you are inside of me."
He leaned forward, bit her lip and tugged gently, "Tell me you need me." He repeated.
She whimpered softly and slid her hands down his back, her fingers digging into the muscles of his ass, "I need you. God I need you. Please…please El. Please fuck me…make me come."
He grabbed one of her hands, and held it up above her head, squeezing down, threading his fingers with hers, "I need you. God I need you Olivia."
He thrust up, hitting her at just the right angle and she shattered around him, pulling him deeper inside of her as she rode through her release. Her legs slid down to the back of his thighs, and his hips rocked forward, huffing and puffing as he continued to thrust slowly. She gasped, tried to breathe and then shuddered again when she felt him fill her, the warmth of him as his head fell forward and pressed against the crook of her neck, "Oh my God…"
Her hand slid up and over the slope of his ass, and trailed along his spine. His back was wet, slippery and she sighed, nudging him forward and then she heard a clunk. Both of them turned to see the forgotten lollipop rolling away from them and crashing down to the ground. Both of them were breathing heavily and they couldn't help but start laughing. He fell toward slightly and she grimaced, "Sorry…"
She sighed and shook her head, "S'okay."
Slipping out of her he rolled to the side and fell hard against the island, his legs hanging over the edge. They lay there, trying to catch their breath. Her body ached and she knew she was gonna feel this in the morning. But God it would be worth it. Swallowing hard, she turned her head to look at him, "Well…damn Stabler…you have learned a hell of a lot."
He lifted his hand and wiped it over his sweaty face, "I think…I think…that we are insane." He looked at her and he saw that she looked nervous but he smiled, "But…this whole great sex thing." Leaning towards her, he kissed her slowly, not closing his eyes, "It definitely has its perks."
Her heart was racing in her chest and his hand slid down to touch it, "For the record…we've gone past great sex."
Looking down at her he chewed on his lip, "Yeah?"
She sighed and pushed him back, "Uh huh…we reached amazing sex a long time ago." Hopping down off the counter, she adjusted her skirt down her legs and sighed, "I need a shower."
He sat up slowly and asked softly, "Do I get to join you?"
She laughed and lifted her hand up, pulled the elastic from her hair and shook out the tendrils, "I'm not sure my body can take it…"
He gripped the edge of the counter, "So…is my lesson over for tonight?"
She stood there, contemplating her answer before whispering something that shocked them both, "Yes. But you can hang for a bit…watch a movie if you want. I have leftovers in the fridge…if you're hungry."
His heart beat faster and he wondered, was this a way in. Was she letting him in? Even just a little bit? Whatever it was, he latched onto it, desperate to be with her in any way she'd allow. He smiled softly and nodded, "I'd like that…"
Swallowing hard, she nodded and slipped off her heels, "I'll be back in a bit…"
"Take your time." He whispered, and he saw her suck in her breath, and he hoped she heard the true meaning of his words, "I'll be right here."
Looking down, she reached to the floor and picked up her heels and then slowly turned to walk towards her room. He sat there, trying not to get his hopes up. But choosing to believe that maybe, even if it was just deep down, she cared just as much as he cared. And if he could hold on, wait a little longer, maybe she'd be ready to call this what it was.
Because it wasn't sex.
This was far beyond sex.
It was love.
And he knew it.
He just hoped to God she did too.
