A/N - One of the softer chapters, conversations that need to be had are had. Difficult ones, but ones that bring them even closer. Elliot proves time and time again how much he loves her and that it was ALWAYS more than just sex. Plus a little twist at the end ;)

One of my favorite songs is featured in this chapter too! "She's Got A Way" by Billy Joel. Always been a favorite of mine and so how I picture Elliot feeling about Olivia.

Only a few chapters left! Thanks for joining in on this ride!

Don't forget to drop a review!


The following morning, Olivia woke up in the comfort of his arms just as he had insisted. She smiled to herself, nuzzling closer. Even in his sleep he sensed her, dropping a kiss to her head before rolling onto his back. She smiled, pressed a kiss to his cheek and then climbed out of bed. It was cold and she reached for her bag to find clothes to put on. In the bathroom, she slipped on leggings, a long sleeve shirt and a thick long cardigan. Tossing her hair into a messy bun, she tiptoed to the kitchen in desperate need of caffeine.

While she was trying to cut coffee, she needed something to wake her up. Only, her stomach felt off and she felt like tea would be the best option. Yawning, she was glad they had stopped quickly for a few essentials on their way to the house yesterday. She started brewing her tea and searched the kitchen for a mug. In the corner, she spotted a small radio and decided to turn it on. She was puttering around the kitchen as the music played. Pouring her tea and adding some lemon, she held it to her lips ready to take a first sip when a new song came on.

Tall and tan and young and lovely

The girl from Ipanema goes walking

And when she passes, each one she passes goes ah

When she walks she's like a samba

That swings so cool and sways so gentle

That when she passes, each one she passes goes ooh

Immediately, she felt a roll of nausea in her stomach and she squeezed her eyes tight. This fucking song. Back then, when she was young it seemed romantic. But lately, lately something was nagging at her. Something that made her feel like everything she'd thought, felt was wrong. And now waking up beside Elliot, she felt it more than ever. Her hands shook and she placed the mug down, trying to take a few deep breaths. Reaching out, she turned off the radio, needing it to stop. But panic began to build. So many years of panic and things she'd kept buried inside of her. So many years of insecurities, of pain, secrets felt like they were coming to a head.

Slipping on her boots, she grabbed her tea and moved towards the back door. Pushing it open, she stepped onto the small back deck and breathed in the cold morning ocean air. Taking deep gulps, she walked across the deck and down the steps towards the beach. The sand was hard but she trudged across it towards the edge of the water. It was calmer than last night, but the waves still crashed on the shore loudly. Her knees buckled and she fell to the sand below, pulling her legs up against her chest as she held the tea close. And then the tears came. Years and tears of tears…


Elliot woke up a short time later, his legs stretching under the thick comforter. He yawned, rolled to his side and went to reach for Olivia but she was nowhere to be found. He frowned, sat up, ran a hand over his face and called out to her, "Liv?"

But there was no answer. Leaning all the way forward, he peered towards the small bathroom off the bedroom but the room was dark. Tossing off the blankets, he climbed out of bed and pulled on a pair of sweatpants before trudging into the main part of the house. His heart jumped in his chest when once again he found it empty. Glancing around, he saw signs of her, she had to be somewhere. He didn't think she'd go to the grocery store without him, but maybe she went to pick up breakfast. He walked further into the kitchen and reached for his phone which he had left on the counter last night. He lifted it, ready to call her when he saw her instead, sitting by the water.

Frowning, he walked into the bedroom and hastily threw on more clothes. As he crossed through the living room again, he grabbed a blanket off the couch and moved towards the back door. As he got closer to her, he saw her shoulders shaking and worry filled his chest. Things had seemed good last night, she seemed happy and he wasn't sure what could have happened to set her off. But then again, he knew there were a lot of things he still didn't know about this woman in front of him. She only let him see the pats of her that she was ready for him to see. But maybe this trip would allow him to break down all those walls once and for all.

She didn't jump when he placed the blanket over her shoulders and sat beside her, "What are you doing out here? It's cold…"

She licked her lips and held the mug closer to her chest, feeling her heart pound in her chest, "I needed some air."

He watched her lift her hand and wipe away some of her tears and he waited, giving her a moment to get used to him being in her space. Then he looked out the waves rolling in and whispered, "Lots of fresh air out here…"

She didn't respond and he waited, digging his foot into the sand in front of him. He knew whatever was going on in her mind was clearly causing her to struggle. He wanted to be supportive. Wanted to give her the time and space to think things through. He felt in his heart she'd come to him when she was ready. After a few moments, he heard her take a shaky breath and begin to speak to him, "Can I ask you something?"

Turning his head to look at her, he adjusted the blanket on her shoulders and whispered, "You know you can ask me anything Liv. Anything."

She chewed softly on her lip and then adjusted the teabag in her cup as a distraction, "The other night…you uh…you said that I was your soulmate. That you wanted me to admit that you were mine."

His heart thumped in his chest, "I do…do you not-"

"No. That's not…" She cleared her throat nervously, "I'm not saying that I don't think that we are…that you aren't my soulmate I was just thinking…" She felt home watching her, trying to keep up, "A long time ago…you told me you don't believe in soulmates."

He frowned, and then he remembered, "I'm not sure I said I didn't believe in them…although to be fair I don't think I did. Not back then."

And then he remembered something else.

When a father is absent, it is not unusual for a younger girl to be attracted to an older man.

That's what this is about?

It happens a lot more than you think.

How old were you?

Almost 17.

And he was?

Older than 17. About as old as I am now. And I'll tell you something, I couldn't have loved him more.

I don't care how you look at it, it's an unequal relationship. Being in love, that does not absolve an affair.

I'm not saying that love is ever an excuse. I'm saying that soul mates come in all shapes and sizes and ages.

Soul mates? Come on, Olivia.

He was quiet for a minute and she knew he was remembering it, "Liv-"

"I know what the world thinks of me." She whispered, "I was born from hate…My Mother was raped and I am the product. From the moment I was born I was already destined for failure. I've been struggling through life just trying to survive one day at a time. And I know that people think that I just sleep around…that I don't care. But I do care. I care what people think…and it hurts. Yes I dated around…but I didn't sleep with all of them. I only took men to bed that I thought…that I could trust."

He turned his body, opening his legs he sighed and leaned closer to her, "Olivia…"

"What Kacie said…it hurt. But it's what I've always known. I get the looks…heard the stories from men that claim to have slept with me when they never got past dinner. And I never corrected them because I didn't see the point. None of it would matter. I know people think I slept with you while you were married. That the only reason I've made it as far as I have is because I crawled into bed with you. And apparently to Kacie…Cragen too." She snorted.

"Olivia, Kacie is full of shit and I told her that. And I'll tell anyone that who has something they want to say." He growled, "I know who you are…"

She frowned and set her mug down on the ground, "You don't know everything…"

She had spoken so softly he wasn't sure he had heard her correctly at first but then he said, "Who was he?"

Shaking her head she frowned, "He…was one of my Mom's TA's. And I was madly in love with him. But…lately I've realized that what I thought it was…wasn't real. And that scares the hell out of me."

Anger filled his chest and he moved his legs to wrap around her, "Olivia…"

"He was older…and I was a kid. 16. I didn't see myself that way but I was a kid." She whispered, "And…I thought he loved me. But that wasn't love…I didn't know what love was."

Looking at her he leaned in and whispered, trying desperately to keep up, to understand what was going on in her mind, "But do you know what love is now?"

She whimpered softly and leaned into him, "Yes. I know what it is now…for the first time in my life I know what that is now but…"

He sighed and ran his fingers through her hair, "But what Liv?"

She swallowed hard and wiped at her eyes, "When this started…it was a joke." She sniffled softly, "It was just supposed to be a joke…I made that crazy comment about teaching you something and you ran with it." He tensed and she shook her head, "And I did too. I'm not blaming you for anything. I just…I'm stating a fact here. It was a joke."

His fingers rubbed the back of her neck and he swallowed hard, "I…I'm sorry you felt that way. But it wasn't a joke. Not to me…I hate that you think that."

She shrugged and ran her fingers through the cold sand beside her, "I've always been a joke to people El. I've always just been a body…something that men use and get rid of. Something they don't want anything long term with. Something, someone that isn't worth a long relationship. Someone who doesn't get to have it all…I've always known that."

Elliot huffed and quickly reached for her, catching her off guard and settling her in his lap, "Listen to me."

"Elliot…" She squirmed but held her in place, refusing to let her go, "Stop-"

"No. I'm not going to stop. I'm going to sit here and I'm going to say this and you're going to listen to me." He held her tighter and leaned in, resting his chin on her shoulder, "And I'll keep saying it until you believe me…but I need you to listen. Are you listening?"

She bit her lip nervously, eyes filling with tears, "Yes…"

"You are not a joke. You never have been. Not to me. And if anyone sees you that way…that's their fucking problem. That's their bullshit. You aren't just a body. If I could find every man that has made you feel that way and I'd make sure they know what I think of them." She squirmed again and he held tighter, "Olivia…"

She swallowed hard and looked at him, "Elliot…"

He turned her face so she was looking at him, "I fell in love with you long before I ever touched you, or kissed you. I fell in love with who you are as a person…" He reached out and placed his hand over her chest and she gasped, "I fell in love with your heart. Your character. With the way you fight so hard for others, for your beliefs and your strength. Your humor, your kindness, how smart you are and how passionate you are about so many things. I fell in love with you for who you are…not because of your body. I didn't fall in love with you the last few months Liv…I've been in love for years. I just didn't know how to tell you."

Tears were streaming down her face as she looked at him, "I don't know what to say that…"

"You don't need to say anything." He whispered, "But I hope you understand me and believe me. Are you a beautiful woman?" He smiled and moved his hand to cradle her face in his hand, "Yes." He leaned in and kissed her softly, "I've always been attracted to you. You've driven me crazy…but it was always more than that for me. Always. And I'm sorry if I made you feel otherwise."

Sighing, she rested her forehead against his, "I meant it when I said you scared me Elliot…you don't know how important you are to me. How much you could break me. This is a lot…being here with you. Letting you in."

"I know it is." He whispered, kissing her cheek, "But I swear to you Liv…this was never a game to me. Yes you made a joke…and yes I ran with it. Maybe I should have said something more that first day. But I need you to know that the moment I stepped into your apartment that first time…I was always determined to make sure this became something more than just sex. I wasn't going to let you go…it was killing me when you would bring up me dating someone else. I didn't want anyone else. I don't want anyone else. I want you and only you."

Her fingers reached out and touched his cheek, running her fingers along the stubble there, "It wasn't just sex?"

Shaking his head, he leaned in and kissed her, "It was never just sex." And then he had a thought, "And I'll prove it to you."

Pulling back she looked at him and frowned, "What? What are you talking about?"

"No sex." He said with a shake of his head, "For at least 24 hours. I love you for you Olivia Benson. Is the sex amazing? Hell yeah it is. You're intoxicating." He said with a sigh as he kissed her again, "But I don't need sex to want to be with you. So you and I are not sleeping together until you figure that out."

He pushed her up off of his lap and she stumbled forward, her mind reeling, "Wait, what?"

Standing up, he brushed the sand off of his body and smiled, "You heard me."

Her mouth hung open and she stared at him, "You're putting a no sex for at least 24 hours rule on us?"

He shrugged, "I'm not limiting it to 24 hours. As long as it takes for you to believe that I mean what I say. You are more than just a gorgeous woman Olivia, so much more and I'm going to make you realize that."

He turned to walk towards the house and she stood there, her head spinning, her heart pounding, "Hold on a second what-"

"I'm in the mood for waffles. Do you like waffles? I'm not sure I've ever seen you eat them. Maybe we can grab breakfast in town then hit the stores and get food for later. Looks like it's gonna be a rainy kinda day so it's perfect for staying in." He said, taking a deep breath as he climbed up the back steps.

"A rainy kinda day in which we stay inside and don't have sex." She said with a laugh from the bottom of the stairs.

Elliot chuckled and turned to look at her, her hair blowing in the wind, a confused look on her face, "Exactly."

"I…I am so confused." She whispered, "More confused than I think I ever have been…"

With a sigh, he walked down the steps again and stood in front of her, "I'm starting to think that you only want me for my body Benson."

Her cheeks flushed and she wrapped her arms around herself, "Elliot…"

Taking one more step towards her, he pressed his lips to hers in a gentle kiss without breaking eye contact. He heard her inhale sharply, felt her heart pounding, "I'm gonna spoil the hell out of you today Olivia. The way you have always deserved…" He pulled away and looked at her, her eyes wide as she tried to keep up, "Anything you want…you can have." She opened her mouth and he smirked, "Except sex."

Narrowing her eyes at him she asked, "Except sex…"

Leaning in he kissed her once more, "So…about those waffles."

He pulled back and started tugging on her hand as he walked backwards up the steps, "I like waffles. Especially Belgian waffles with fruit and whipped cream." Standing up on the deck with him, she looked right at him, a glint in her eyes, "Don't you just love whipped cream El? It goes great with everything!"

She kissed his cheek once more and walked back into the house, letting her fingers trail down his chest and he stood there, a smirk plastered on his face, "God I love that woman…"

It might be hard. Really hard but he was determined to do this. And then once she believed him, all bets were off. And he would love every part of her indeed.


They found a cozy breakfast spot to eat in, and settled in the corner of the restaurant. Though it was off season, it was still busy and it was clear this was a town favorite. As their breakfasts were set in front of them, it was clear why. Elliot's waffle was huge, piled high with fruit and whipped cream. A side of bacon and homefries to go with it. Elliot's eyes were wide and he rubbed his hands together, "Now that's a breakfast."

Olivia laughed and settled into her breakfast sandwich, "You're ridiculous."

Through a mouthful of waffle he said, "I'm ridiculous? With the menu they have in this place…I can't believe you went with a breakfast sandwich."

She sighed and reached for her tea, "I told you…I'm not that hungry."

He held his bacon towards her and smiled, "Bacon?"

Her nose wrinkled and she sat back, "No…thank you but no."

Shrugging, he put it down and popped a piece in his mouth, "Your loss."

She was quiet, picking at her egg and cheese bagel sandwich clearly deep in thought. Elliot watched her, remembering her demeanor this morning on the beach and all those insecurities of hers. He took a few more bites and then wiped at his mouth with his napkin and eased back against the booth, lifting his coffee to his lips, "So…what do you want to do today?"

She glanced up at him and reached once more for her tea, "Hm?"

He smiled and leaned forward again, resting his elbows on the table, "What do you want to do today? I told you whatever you want…we'll do." Shrugging he asked, "So…what do you want to do?"

She swallowed the ginger tea and placed it back down, "I don't know…doesn't matter." He just stared at her and she laughed, "What? It's winter so it's not like we're going to the beach…and you said no sex so-"

"So we can do other things." He said with a shrug and she just blinked at him, "Like watch a movie, I saw some board games around the house we could check out. You like to read…I can also be quiet and let you read in peace." She still just stared at him and he shrugged, "Or…we could talk."

She pulled on the sleeves of her cardigan and frowned, "Talk about what?"

"Whatever you want." He said with a shrug, "Nothing off limits."

His words rang through her mind and she knew there was a lot she wanted to know. Wanted to ask. Had wanted to know for years but had never felt comfortable asking them. Reaching out, she pulled a piece of the bagel off and popped it in her mouth and chewed carefully before whispering, "Nothing?"

His heart jumped in his chest for a moment but he knew she needed to hear this so he nodded, "Nothing." She pushed her plate away and he asked, "What do you want to know Liv? I can tell there is something…" She didn't respond so he reached out and placed his hand over her arm, "Liv, you can ask me anything. I mean that."

She looked down at her arm, his hand placed gently over her wrist and she spoke carefully, "You…know a lot about me. About my…Mom and my…" Her face flushed, "About him. Or as much as I do I suppose…"

Elliot nodded slowly, letting his fingers trail along her wrist knowing how hard it was for her to talk about this, "I do…"

Her eyes lifted towards him quickly and she spoke again, "But…I don't really know anything about your parents."

He realized he shouldn't have been surprised and as she spoke the words, he realized she was right. Eight years of their partnership and he'd never spoken of them much and she sure as hell had never met his Mother. He squeezed her wrist and then pulled back, running a hand over his jaw, "You're right…you don't."

She pulled her hand back anxiously and placed it in her lap, afraid she had gone to far despite what he had said, "El you don't have to-"

"No. I do." He whispered, "If we're gonna do this…have a real shot here I should tell you the truth. The whole truth. Even the hard stuff…"

She lifted her head slowly and spoke honestly, "You know that…there is nothing you can tell me that will make me think any differently of you. You know my past…and you've never made me feel less than. I won't make you feel that either."

Elliot lifted his fork and broke off a piece of his waffle, "My Dad…he's gone. You know that." She nodded, "But my Mom…she's alive. I see her here and there…more so when the kids were younger. But I'll admit that I've put distance between us. More for my own sanity."

She frowned softly and reached for her tea again, "Honestly El? I sort of thought she might be…"

"Dead?" He shrugged, "I guess it was easier to make people think that."

They sat quietly as he ate and she waited patiently, allowing him to think things through. After a few minutes, he pushed away what was left of his waffle and said, "I love my Mom. I have always loved her. She's a good person at heart…she means well. But she's…she was difficult to grow up with."

Shifting anxiously in her seat she asked, "Difficult how?" He just stared at her and she smiled, "El…my Mom was a raging alcoholic. I've told you she was abusive…you can tell me."

Clearing his throat he put his hands on the table and said, "She…she's bipolar." She didn't move and he chewed his lip nervously, "But she refused treatment. Sometimes things were fine. Normal…but when they weren't….it was bad. Really bad. And as a kid it was scary. The unpredictability of it. I felt like I was walking around on eggshells. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. I swear I'd come home from school and stand outside the door going through all the possible scenarios in my head. Would I find her doing laundry, getting dinner ready asking me how my day was? Or would I find her in a rant, screaming about something I didn't understand? Or…would I find her in bed…locked away in her room threatening to hurt herself and would I have to call my Dad to come get her…"

Tears pooled in her eyes. She knew that feeling. How often had she delayed going home because she was afraid of what she'd find. Would it be a good day, or a bad day? Or the kind of day where she feared walking in and finding her dead? Reaching out, she took his hand, "Elliot…"

"I know I'm preaching to the choir here." He smiled and squeezed her hand, "I know you know how much that can screw with your head."

She nodded slowly and leaned closer, "I do."

"We got in a car accident once…I broke my arm during one of her episodes. It was a blizzard. And another time she threatened to leave and she pulled my Dad's gun on me and him and…" His voice cracked, "I didn't understand it…truth be told I still don't. Not fully." Looking directly at her he whispered, "I love my Mom Liv…I do. But it was hard. And it's still hard…and I guess I just wanted to protect myself. And my kids. Does that make sense?"

"It does." She whispered, "It's why I pulled away from my Mom when I got older. Why I told myself if I ever had children of my own…I'd be very cautious about how much they were allowed to see her. I didn't want them to be traumatized too." She whispered, then she shrugged, "I guess it didn't matter in the end. And even if I didn't tell them…I suppose my own past would rear its ugly head anyway. Who my Father was and all…"

"It's not all about DNA." Elliot whispered, "I told you that before and I meant it."

She smiled and her stomach flipped, she pressed her hand against it subconsciously, "You did…but it applies to you too El."

He nodded slowly knowing he should tell her about his Father too, but it was a long day and there was plenty of time for that, "She knows about you…"

Cocking her head to the side she asked, "What?"

"My Mom." He said with a smile, "I've told her about you…a lot about you. The kids have told her too." He laughed, "And I'm sure Kathy has told her a few things over the years…"

Olivia's face flushed, "El…"

"You've always been important, see?" He said with a smile, "Always. You getting it yet?"

She blushed further and pulled her hand back once more, "I'm starting too…yeah."

He reached for a piece of bacon and smiled, giving her a little wink, "Good."

Wrapping her hands around her teacup she whispered honestly, "Thank you for telling me that El…it means a lot."

He nodded slowly, "We can keep talking if you want…I mean it when I said nothing is off limits."

"I'd like that." She whispered, he slid the bacon towards her once more and she laughed, "No Elliot…I don't want any bacon."

He rolled his eyes and took the plate back, "You've barely eaten anything other than your damn tea…"

She shrugged and whispered, "Told you…not that hungry."

"Fine." He said with a huff, "Then we'll stock up on food for the house for when you are hungry. Because it's bound to happen." Leaning forward he smiled when she moved in, meeting him halfway which felt so intimate and domestic, "I know you Olivia Benson…"

"Yeah…" She whispered, "You do. You really do…"


A few hours later, it was pouring out and they'd stocked the fridge and cabinets with anything they may need. They were currently in the living room playing Monopoly while a batch of cookies baked in the oven. She was sitting on the floor, resting against the couch and he lay on the couch behind her, one hand massaging her neck as he moved his piece with the other.

"Damn it." He growled, "What do I owe you?"

She smirked and looked down at the card in her hand, "$250. Pay up my friend."

He huffed and reached for his fake money and counted out what he owed her, "Here. Highway robbery."

She smirked and put the money down as the oven dinged, "I'll check them."

Elliot lay back and watched her walk towards the kitchen in the open floor plan, he could see her easily. She was humming to herself as she checked the cookies and reached for an oven mitt. She looked at ease. Comfortable. And that made him happy. He needed her to feel comfortable with him. To be able to be free, open, even when they were doing mundane things. He wanted a life with her. A real life with her and days like this would be well worth it.

"They look good." She said, placing the sheet pan on the counter, "And you said I can't cook."

"To be fair they came from a package." He said looking over at her, she shot him a look and he smirked, "But you're still a regular susie homemaker."

Her face flushed and she wiped her hands on a towel as she reached for a plate. He saw it, the sudden change and he had a feeling he knew why. Swinging his legs over the side of the couch he cleared his throat, "Liv-"

"Do you want one now or do you want to wait? I like one when they're fresh out of the oven." She whispered, but he knew she was upset.

"Now is good." She nodded slowly and placed two on a plate before walking over to him and sitting down once more, "Thanks."

She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes and he knew it, "Okay. My turn. So…where was I-"

"There isn't a comparison you know." He said and he saw her tense but not turn to look at him, "Between you and Kathy. There isn't."

She reached for the dice and rolled it slowly, "Of course there is."

He watched her move her piece across the board, "Olivia…"

She shrugged, "She was the perfect wife. She cooked and cleaned and took care of your children. She did all the things women are supposed to do according to society and she looked amazing doing it."

He dropped his head low, "Hm…yes she cooked and she cleaned and she took care of my children and for that last part, I appreciate and respect her." She collected her money after passing go and he pushed on, "But…"

"I'm not buying that property." She said reaching for her cookie, "Your turn."

"But…" He continued, ignoring her, "We fought. A lot. And we didn't agree on most things…didn't want the same things. There wasn't chemistry…she didn't make me laugh the way you do. She didn't make me think the way you do. We existed…we went about our day doing what we needed to do for the kids, for the house, but not really for each other." She was quiet but she knew she was listening, "She didn't make me happy Liv…we didn't make each other happy. She wasn't the perfect wife…and she wasn't the love of my life either."

"I'm not a good cook." She whispered, "You'd think I would be since my Mom never cooked…but I survived off soup mostly." She said with a sigh, "And I can clean…and take care of my house. At least when I'm there." She smiled nervously, "Not great with house plants though…I forget to water them."

He smiled and leaned closer to her, "Not big on houseplants myself…plants are better outside."

She turned her head nervously to look at him, "I can't help but compare myself to her…I'm sorry."

Leaning all the way in, he kissed her softly and whispered, "You don't have to apologize. I get it. I'd probably feel the same way if you had been married. I think about anyone you've dated and I compare myself to them too…"

Resting her head on the back of the couch she whispered, "There is no comparison El…" He just stared at her and lifted her hand to touch his cheek, "I ran from the other ones…" He held his breath, "And maybe I ran from you too…but I came back didn't I?" She shrugged, "The other ones weren't worth it. But you are."

He shook his head and kissed her, "We are Liv. We are."

She sighed and reached for the dice and handed it to him, "Still no sex?"

He laughed and kissed her temple reaching for her dice, "Still no sex Benson…I don't think you're quite there yet. I don't think you believe me fully yet."

She ducked her head and rested it on the back of the couch as she watched him, "Hm…"

Moving his piece he sighed again, "Damn…I owe you again." He huffed and reached for his money, "You're lucky I love you…you know that?"

She smiled and looked over at him, "You love me for more than just my body right?"

He handed her his money and took her hand, lifting it to kiss the back of her hand, "I love you for all of you Olivia. Every piece of you. Inside and out."

Her stomach flipped and she leaned against the couch to look at him, "You're an interesting man Elliot Stabler…did you know that?" He looked over at her and she smiled, "You're different from all the rest of them…"

Laying back down on the couch, he adjusted the pillow behind his head and put his hand back out to massage her neck again, "You say that like it's a bad thing…"

She turned to face him more, leaning into his touch, "It's not a bad thing…just new." Reaching out, she tugged on the collar of his shirt, "This…change in our relationship, our partnership is new. Even when we were just…when it was just sex-"

He put his hand up and shook his head, "It was never just sex."

She rolled her eyes but smiled, "Okay, fine…I'm just saying that it's a little hard for me to go from just partners to what we were." He gave her a look and she smiled, "What we…are." He nodded slowly, "Change is hard for me…"

"I know that." He whispered, "I've always known that. So talk it through with me."

She was quiet for a moment, then turned to look at the ceiling, the game forgotten at the moment. He tangled his hand with hers and waited, letting her take her time to process. She held his hand closer, and then she spoke, "I…never really had a place that I felt comfortable in growing up ya know? I never…felt home. And SVU as dark of a place as it is…for whatever reason I felt comfortable there. Maybe it was you. But it's hard for me to think about not having that anymore. It gave me stability…I know who I am there. I know who we are as partners. And so it's scary to think of…something new. About having to let go…especially when I'm afraid it won't last." She seemed surprised by her last words and she looked at him, "El I just mean-"

"You don't think I could love you forever." He whispered, and her eyes went wide, "But I can. And I will."

"You don't know that." She whispered, her voice cracking, "You thought you'd love Kathy forever and look what happened…"

"Okay. You're right." He whispered, "And I guess I can understand that it would be hard for you to understand or believe me. But when I think about my future…I see you Liv. I see us. Building a life together." He shrugged, "If I'm being honest…I never really saw that forever with Kathy. I asked her to marry me because she was pregnant and it felt like the right thing to do. It's not that I didn't love her…but in all the time we were together there was so much I never told her. Shared with her. My dreams…my fears. You know more than anyone…"

Sitting up all the way, she turned her body and faced him, "I want to know all those things…"

"Well then I guess it's good that I plan on forever. So I can make sure I share all those things with you." He whispered.

Taking a breath, she sat began to crawl up on the couch, laying her body over his, "I know you said no sex…" Leaning down, she nuzzled his nose and smiled as his arms wrapped around her, "But how do you feel about making out?"

He laughed and pressed his lips to hers, "Making out is good."

She laughed as he rolled her to her side, slipping his leg between hers pulling her closer still. Making out was definitely good…


A few hours later, she couldn't believe how much fun she was having stuck in the house with him. They'd spent so many hours together, days, years as partners but this was different and they both knew it. He was funny. Making her laugh about nothing and everything. Opening up, showing her a side to him that she'd never seen before. He told her more about his Mother, about his childhood, his dreams, things he thought he'd do before joining the marines and getting Kathy pregnant. She was amazed by how much she actually didn't know. It was getting close to dinner and he was insisting on making her some fancy pasta dish she couldn't believe he knew how to make it.

They were tangled up on the couch watching a movie when something pulled at her chest, "It really never bothered you?" He looked at her curiously and she whispered, "That…that my Dad was…that he…"

Shifting on the couch he looked down at her, making sure she heard him, "You aren't responsible for your Father's actions Olivia…although I'm not sure he's worth being called your Father. Why would it bother me?"

She tugged on a loose string on her cardigan and shrugged, "I don't know. I uh…I never really told people." She was quiet and then whispered, "I told one person once…before you. My best friend growing up. I thought I could trust her with it. But after I told her…she got cold and distant. Looked at me like I was a monster. And so I guess part of me started to think I was…I know my Mom loved me, but she saw it in me too. Him. And so I guess I've just always wondered…what you really thought."

"I think…" He whispered, "That terrible people do terrible things. And having done this job for as long as I have, I wish I could give you an answer as to why they do them. I'm sorry that your friend did that to you. And I'm grateful that you trusted me with that information despite being hurt before…" He shrugged slowly, "I have never and will never see you as a Monster Olivia. You are the best person I know. But…I do understand what you are feeling. At least to a certain extent…"

She frowned and placed her hands in her lap, "What do you mean?"

Elliot reached out and picked up his water bottle, "You know my Dad was a cop…that we didn't always see eye to eye."

She watched him carefully, understanding that whatever he was going to say was going to be hard for him. Reaching out, she placed her hand on his knee and squeezed gently, giving him the time he needed just as he had done for her. "But he was also…a really big prick." He snorted and sighed, "I mean my Mom had her issues like I said and I can't imagine that was easy being married to. But…sometimes he was the biggest asshole in the world. And there were times where I really fucking hated him."

Running her fingers up and down his thigh she whispered, "What did he do El?"

"When he was angry…really angry he drank." He shrugged, "I know you know how that goes…I mean I wouldn't say he was an alcoholic really. I know he numbed the pain of work and shit with my Mom from time to time but…he still functioned."

"You can still function and hurt people." She whispered, "I know that."

"He uh…he was hard on me. Really hard on me. Always pressuring me to do things…say things a certain way. Not show my emotions. And if I did…" His heart thumped in his chest, "He got pissed. And he'd make it known…very loudly. Sometimes physically…he didn't want a fucking pansy for a son."

Sitting up, she moved closer and crawled into his lap, "Elliot…"

"So I just decided at some point…it was better to keep it all bottled up inside of me. So I buried every fear I had, everything that hurt deep, deep down and I became this different person…" He laughed, but tears welled in his eyes as his hands rested on her hips, needing to feel her close, "To be honest I don't know how Kathy put up with me…especially in the beginning. I think I got softer when the kids came around…but in the beginning I was just quiet. Shut down. But I was afraid…always afraid of…"

"Becoming him…" She whispered, her hands massaging the back of his neck, "El…you are not your Father."

"I look at my kids now and I wonder…do they hate me the way that I hated them? Was I cruel? Did I let them express their feelings? Did I do enough to make them feel loved?" He asked.

"El…honey." She tilted his head up towards him, "Of course you did. Those kids know you adore them…that you love them more than anything. That you'd die for them…that everything you do is for them."

"I don't want to be my Father…" He whispered to her, "I've never told anyone that…but it's my biggest fear. I don't want to be my Father…"

"You are not your father." She whispered again, "I didn't need to meet him to know that." Resting her forehead against his she smiled, "You are a good man. The best man." Holding on tighter she whispered, "My man. And I wouldn't be here if you were any of those things you fear…"

Taking a rattling breath, his hands slid up her back, "I just want to be enough for you Liv. For my kids…I want to know that I make you happy. That you feel loved the way you deserve…"

"Hey…" She whispered, tilting his head back, "El…we've only been here for one day and I can't believe how loved I feel. You have gone above and beyond…and something tells me that it's just going to keep getting better."

Staring at her, his fingers slid up under her shirt, "I am not my Father. And you are not your parents either Liv…we're our own people. And we can have what we want to have…as long as we do it together."

"Together…" She leaned in and kissed both of his cheeks, his nose and then his lips, "I like doing things together with you. Fighting crime…and playing monopoly. I want it all."

He smiled and leaned her back on the couch again, "Does that include more making out?"

She laughed and threaded her fingers through his fine hair, "What about dinner?"

He sighed and pressed his lips to her neck, "Five minutes and then I'll feed you…"

"You're a hell of a man Elliot Stabler…" She said with a sigh as he continued to kiss her neck.

He smirked against her skin and whispered, "Whose man Liv?"

Running her fingers down his back she whispered happily, "My man."

"Damn right." He growled and went right back to teasing her.


****I suggest playing "She's Got A Way" by Billy Joel for this part ;)

After a delicious dinner, they were in the kitchen cleaning the dishes listening to the radio as they worked. He was humming along as he dried dishes and lifted them to put away. His henley shirt rode up as he reached into a high cabinet and she couldn't help the rush of desire that passed through her as abs were on full display. But as a new song came on the radio again, those thoughts were soon dashed.

Tall and tan and young and lovely

The girl from Ipanema goes walking

She jumped, turning to walk towards the radio and flipping it to a different station, "God, why does this station like this song so much?"

Elliot looked over at her and reached for the towel to dry one of the pans, "What's wrong with that song?'

"Nothing." She said quickly, moving to wash her hands, "I just don't like it."

Her cheeks were flushed and he knew she was holding something back, "Or…it reminds you of something." She didn't move and he walked closer to her, "Of someone…" She was breathing harder and he whispered, "Of him…" Her lip trembled, "I'm not gonna push it…I didn't push it this morning…but a reaction to a song like that…tells me there is something you want to get off your chest. Something more. And I'm here to listen. No judgment."

Her fingers dug into the rim of the sink and she whispered, "He…that song…he used to sing that song to me. Made it on a mixtape for me to have…said it reminded him of me. And sometimes when I hear it…I get this pit in my stomach. I didn't really understand why. But I think…I think I do now. I think I realize…" Her hands started to shake, "El I was…he…what he did was wrong. I said yes but it was…it was wrong. He assaulted me…he groomed me and how the hell did I not realize that?"

His heart ached in his chest and he wanted to hold her but he wasn't sure if she would want it right now, if physical touch would be too much, "Because you said yourself Liv…you were a kid."

Nausea rolled in her stomach and she leaned forward, eyes closed, "He knew…he knew how vulnerable I was. How badly I wanted to get the fuck out of my Mother's house and he used that. He used all of my insecurities and trapped me into thinking that he loved me and I fell for it…He proposed. And I said yes…like a fucking idiot."

Anger filled his body and he wished more than anything, "Tell me who he is."

She laughed, "Why…so you can hunt him down and kill him?"

"The thought may have crossed my mind." He said with a smirk, "But I think you need to say his name Liv. Because yes, what he did was wrong. You need to get this out…"

"Burton…" She whispered, "Burton Lowe…" She stood up straighter and frowned, "I haven't said his name in years…"

"So say what you want to say." He said, "Say it Liv…I'm right here. Just say it."

"He…" She turned, beginning to face, "He knew what he was doing didn't he?" He didn't need to answer, he knew he didn't, "He worked for my Mom and I walked in there…the perfect prey. Young, innocent, completely lost and scared out of her mind. And he lured me in and I fell for it. He made me trust him…made me think that he loved me. That he'd take me away from all of it. And my Mom…when she found out she freaked. And I fucking hated her for it Elliot. God I hated her. But what…what if she was just trying to protect me because she knew it was wrong?"

He leaned against the counter and let her work through her emotions, "She loved you Liv…despite what happened she loved you. She always did."

She hiccuped softly and looked at him, "He…he…"

"I know." He whispered, knowing she couldn't say it out loud, "And quite frankly I'd love nothing more than to kill him Liv. And I would given the chance. I'm so fucking sorry that that happened to you. That it's happened to anyone…you know I do." She didn't move and he whispered, "Tell me what to do to fix it and I will…"

Whimpering, she walked across the kitchen and wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her face into his chest, "I just want you to be here. To hold me. Because right now…you're the only thing I believe in."

He smiled, though his heart ached and he pressed his lips to her temple. As hard as it was to hear her talk about this, to know that she believed in him, that she wanted him here when she was struggling, told him he was getting closer to where he needed them to be. "I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere. That I can promise you."

Snuggling further into him, she whispered, "I really love you Elliot."

Holding her close rocked them gently, "That's good…because I really love you too." A new song came on the radio and he smiled, "I know you hate that song…but do you know this song?"

She adjusted her position in his arms and listened to the radio and frowned, "Billy Joel?"

He nodded and dropped a kiss to the top of her head, "Always reminded me of you…of how you make me feel."

She was quiet, and then he surprised her in a way she never could have anticipated. He started to sing quietly as he rocked them back and forth in the kitchen.

She's got a way about her

I don't know what it is

But I know that I can't live without her

She's got a way of pleasin', mmh

I don't know what it is

But there doesn't have to be a reason

Anyway

Her breath caught in her throat as he slid his hand into hers and led her in circles in the dim light of the kitchen. She felt dizzy. Elliot Stabler, singing to her after she'd broken down, shared one of the darkest parts of her past that she didn't even fully process until now. And yet he was here, holding her, making her feel a type of love she'd never thought was possible.

She's got a smile that heals me, mmh

I don't know why it is

But I have to laugh when she reveals me

She's got a way of talkin', mmh

I don't know what it is

But it lifts me up when we are walkin'

Anywhere

He felt her tears as he rocked them and he sang to her, but he knew she wasn't crying because she was upset with him. But because she was finally understanding. And God he needed her to understand. Tilting her head back he kissed her forehead and continued to sing along with the radio, desperately hoping she understood how true the words were. How she had changed his life, changed him, made him want to be and do better.

She comes to me when I'm feelin' down

Inspires me without a sound

She touches me and I get turned around

She's got a way of showin', mmh

How I make her feel

And I find the strength to keep on goin'

She's got a light around her, ooh

And everywhere she goes

A million dreams of love surround her

Everywhere

Snuggling into him further, she pressed her lips to his neck and sighed, allowing herself to live in this moment. Wishing it could never end. And maybe in a way…it didn't have too. His voice was low, a bit off key and yet it was the most comforting thing she'd ever heard and knew that as long as she lived, she'd never forget this moment. And she never wanted to.

She comes to me when I'm feelin' down

Inspires me without a sound

She touches me and I get turned around, ooh, oho

She's got a smile that heals me, mmh

I don't know why it is

But I have to laugh when she reveals me

She's got a way about her, mmh

I don't know what it is

But I know that I can't live without her

Anyway,

Her tears soaked into his shirt as he finished the song and she held on tighter, "Definitely full of surprises Stabler…"

He chuckled and rubbed her back, still rocking her gently as they stood in the kitchen and a new song came on. "I'll never fill out a stadium with my voice…I know."

She tilted her head up to look at him, a lazy smile on her face, her eyes shining with unshed tears and love and he sighed, "I'll happily be the only one to your concerts anytime El." He brushed her tears away gently and she smiled, "That was…the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me."

"I remember the first time I thought about you when I listened to that song…" Her breath caught in her throat as he continued to talk, "We'd had this crazy case, I think year two or three of our partnership. And I was an ass…a total ass. And I was honestly thinking Cragen was going to fire me at some point. And you were the only one that could calm me down and I didn't understand it. You pulled me aside and as soon as you started to talk to me…I felt better. Felt like I could breathe again…and then you took me to the Diner for dinner. We didn't even talk much…you just were there. With me. Letting me work through whatever I needed to work through. And after I dropped you off…that song came on and I just sat there and I knew…" She just stared at him wide eyed, "I knew Liv…I knew then Liv…I told you. It started long before that day I came to your apartment…"

Sliding her hands up under his shirt she whispered in awe, "You do love me…"

Cradling her face in his hands he sang the last lines of the song again, never breaking eye contact, "She's got a smile that heals me. I don't know why it is…but I have to laugh when she reveals me. She's got a way about her, mmh. I don't know what it is…but I know that I can't live without her." Leaning in, he pressed his lips to hers and whispered, "I don't want to live without you Liv."

Sighing, she closed her eyes and whispered, "I think I could get used to that…"

He smiled and pulled her against his chest again, "I'm glad to hear it…"


They'd spent most of the night awake and talking about nothing and everything all at once. He'd told her things he'd never told anyone else and he felt safe knowing she'd keep his secrets just as he'd keep hers. He woke up early and before her, smiling at her as she lay in his arms. He'd kept his word, no sex and still it was one of the best nights of his life. Laying beside her, she was on her back wearing only one of his shirts. It had gotten hot in the night and he knew she had stripped down, partially to torture him and because she needed it.

Glancing at the clock, he saw that it had in fact been over 24 hours. Smiling to himself, he eased himself down on the bed until he lay between her legs. He adjusted the blanket above him and spread her legs slightly. She sighed in her sleep but didn't wake up, her hands rested on her belly as she slept on and he couldn't help himself. Leaning forward, he kissed her thighs, nuzzling her with the beard that was growing thicker by the day. She shifted slightly, and he continued, massaging and kissing her legs until he heard her sleepy voice, "El?"

He nipped the inside of her thigh and smiled, "Morning sleepyhead…"

She turned to look at the clock and then looked back at him, "What-" He moved up higher and she whimpered, "What are you doing?"

He shrugged and slid his tongue across her hip, "Breakfast…"

She laughed and eased up on her elbows to look at him, "I thought you said no sex for 24 hours…"

Taking a deep breath, he smiled when he knew she was getting aroused. He loved that he could bring this out of her, "Technically it's been over 24 hours…and I didn't say I was going to get off."

Her mouth hung open and she sighed, "Elliot Stabler…"

He shrugged and moved in closer, pressing his lips to her center, "I love you for more than just your body Olivia Benson…I love you so much that I'm happy to forgo any pleasure for myself for a few more hours but help you get some release."

She fell back against the pillows and ran her hand across the top of his head, "God you are quite a man you know that?"

He slid his tongue up and down the length of her and growled, "Whose man Olivia?"

Her legs fell open wider and she sighed happily, "My man…" She said with a laugh, "Thank God you're my man."

He smiled against her and circled her clit with his tongue, "God you taste good…"

Fisting the sheets on either side of her she pressed her feet into the mattress and moaned loudly as he teased her with his fingers, "If I haven't told you yet…I'm really, really…" He slowly slid one of them inside of her and she groaned loudly, "Really glad that you brought me here. Best idea you've ever had."

He laughed and the vibrations set her body on fire, she writhed underneath him. One hand massaged her leg, her thigh, her ass as he moved his lips and tongue against her clit in all the ways he knew she loved. His fingers thrust deep and hard and he knew that if she let him, he'd happily die here. He could feel and hear his beard scraping against his sensitive skin and there would probably be a mark later but he didn't care. In fact he loved that. He wanted to mark her as his own in every way possible.

He took a deep breath, and began to devour her with his mouth. She cried out, arching her back up off the bed as the pleasure mounted, "Oh God baby…fuck… that feels good."

He smiled proudly, "Getting better, am I Professor Benson?"

She whimpered and looked down at him, "Better and better by the day El…we should keep practicing though just to make sure."

He laughed and thrust his fingers even deeper, "Fine by me…but just so we're clear…" He pulled back and kissed her thigh, "I'm practicing just to make it better for you…not for anyone else. Right?"

She smiled down at him, her chest rising and falling as she watched him, "Touch another woman and I'll kill her and then you. Clear enough?"

He laughed harder and wrapped his lips around her clit again, "Clear as a bell babe…"

Dipping his tongue inside of her, her head fell back against the mattress and her mouth fell open, "Yes!"

He moaned low in his throat, burying his face against her, his beard covered in her arousal and he loved it. She was barely breathing as he brought her closer and closer to the edge. His hand moved from her hip and up under her shirt. His fingers found her nipple and he tugged hard because he knew it would be her undoing. Her body shook hard as she came against him, and he lapped up all that she had to offer. He didn't stop and he knew he could bring her there twice. Trapping her against him, he moved his mouth and fingers even harder and she screamed out to him in the small bedroom, the sound bouncing off the walls.

"Breathe babe…" He teased as he kissed his way up her body. "You okay?"

She was sweating and she knew it but she didn't even care, looking up at him she growled, "You're a cocky son of a bitch…you know that?"

He laughed and leaned in to kiss her lips, "I think I have reason to be…"

She sighed and wrapped her arms around his neck, "I think you do too."

Smiling, he kissed her neck once more, "Okay…I'm going for a run…"

She laughed and sat up, her body still trembling, "You're really not gonna-"

He looked down at his raging hard on and smiled, "A run will help clear my head."

Reaching out to him she tugged on his hand, "El…it's been over 24 hours…just get in here and-"

Leaning forward he kissed her again and said, "No. I'm good. I'll save it for later." She huffed and fell back on the mattress, "You're worth it…"

She sighed and rolled to the side climbing out of bed, "Okay. I think I'm gonna take a shower and run a quick errand. Need anything?"

He shook his head and moved around for his clothes, "No. I think I'm good. But grab me a cup of coffee at that place if you go by?"

"Sure." She said with a nod as she walked towards the bathroom, "Thanks for a wonderful wake up…"

"Anytime." He said pulling on his sneakers, "Happy to do it every morning if you'd like."

"I knew there was a reason I loved you." She said with a sigh.

He chuckled and walked over, dropping a kiss to her lips before walking backwards, "At least there is one reason!"

He walked out of the bedroom and she heard the back door open to the deck. When he was gone, she slipped into the bathroom humming to herself as she turned on the shower. As she moved, she noticed that her breasts felt tender. She pulled off his shirt covering her body and looked at herself in the mirror. And then out of nowhere, that nausea that she had been feeling on and off came back full force, only this time she couldn't shake it. Bending down over the toilet, it rose up her throat and burned.

Afterwards, she leaned over the sink, a million and one thoughts running through her brain, little things clicking into place. "Oh my God…"

That errand was about to take a very interesting turn…