A/N - Here's to the hard conversations. To facing your fears. To not running away, and fighting for the things, for the people that are worth it. To knowing that some days are hard. Somedays you hurt. Somedays you want to give up. Here's to knowing you won't give up because it only hurts because you care so much. To starting new. To making it better. And to doing it together. As friends and partners for life.
Only chapter 15 and then the epilogue after this! Thanks for joining in on the ride!
Don't forget to drop a review! :)
Elliot finished his final lap on the beach and stood outside the house looking up at it. He was breathing heavily but he had calmed down enough from his excitement earlier. He'd loved bringing her pleasure, but he also couldn't wait until later when he could take her to bed. He loved her for more than just her body, he always had. But being able to love her, to touch her, to hold her meant the world to him and he never wanted to stop.
He found himself humming as he walked up the backstairs of the deck. When he got inside, he looked around, "Liv? You back yet babe?"
But it was quiet. Not thinking anything of it, he got himself a glass of water to cool down. Then he walked back into the bedroom and looked at the empty bed. The sheets were still rumpled from their sleep and their adventure this morning. Smiling to himself, he stripped down and walked into the bathroom to shower.
He found himself humming again, the same song from last night. "She's Got A Way" by Billy Joel. It truly had always made him think of her. Seeing her fall apart last night had been hard. And he'd never tell her this, but it had taken everything in him to not react in a different way. Not out of anger towards her, but towards that man, this Burton Lowe. After she'd fallen asleep, he'd watched her and thought about her life when she was young. How alone she had truly been. How someone she should have been able to trust had used their power against her.
And it broke him. He'd shed a few tears, told himself to calm down and just be here for her as she had asked. All she'd never wanted was someone to be there, to love her for who she was, for her faults, for her trauma, her insecurities and all the good. And he did. And he would no matter what happened next. As he finished up, he thought about how close he felt to her in just the short amount of time they'd been here. He'd always been close to her, always known they understood each other on a deeper level. But he felt like things had changed, that they'd uncovered so much more and he felt himself falling deeper and deeper in love.
As he climbed out of the shower, he thought about what he wanted to happen next. He knew things would change at work. It wasn't that he wanted to leave SVU, but he'd do it in a heartbeat if it meant having a future with this woman. He'd do absolutely anything to make that future happen. And in that future, he saw her as his wife. And more than that, he hoped more than anything they could have a child. She was older, so he knew that the possibility was dwindling. But he'd adopt, find a surrogate, try IVF, do whatever she wanted to give her that dream. He'd had four kids of his own, but to share that with her would be a whole new experience and one he didn't want to give up.
But he couldn't deny that seeing her pregnant with his child would be everything. Olivia Benson pregnant with his son or daughter. Pride filled him just thinking about it. Smiling to himself, he shook his head and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt just as he heard the front door open. She was back. His heart jumped in his chest and he smiled as he walked towards the living room still toweling off his hair, "Hey, you're back."
As soon as he walked into the living room he knew something was wrong. She looked white as a ghost. Her eyes were filled with tears. She looked absolutely terrified, not something he was used to seeing. Dropping his towel, he crossed the living room in three long strides and reached for her, "What? What's wrong?"
"El…" Her voice cracked and her hands started to shake, "I need to tell you something…but before I do that I need you to know that I didn't do this on purpose. And…I'm so fucking sorry."
His mind was reeling and his hands tangled in her still damp hair, trying to think about what could have happened. "Olivia, hey…talk to me. What's going on? What happened? Did someone-"
"I think…" She sniffled and tried to pull away but he held her in place, "You…you know how I haven't had much of an appetite?"
He nodded slowly, trying to keep his heart from bursting form his chest as worry overtook him, "Yeah…what does that have to -"
"I've been feeling…a little off. I thought it was just stress. But…this morning I started to notice a few other things and…and then I got sick." She bit down on her lip and the tears came freely, "I swear to you I've been on the pill…I should have made you still use a condom or something or…I don't know. I didn't think…"
He took a deep breath and things started to click, "Olivia…"
"I think…that I could be pregnant." She whimpered, "I bought…some tests. And I…" Her hands reached out and she grabbed his arm, squeezing tightly as if she was terrified he was going to pull away, "I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Hey…" He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers, "Stop apologizing. Breathe Liv."
Her knees buckled and he started to walk her towards the couch, "I never, ever thought this would happen…maybe I missed a dose or maybe I-"
"Maybe we've just been having an insane amount of sex." He said with a laugh and she shot him a look, "Sorry, I'm not-"
Sitting down, she pressed her hands into her knees and said, "El…I want you to know that I don't expect anything. I mean you have four kids of your own and this would be a complication you don't need."
He frowned and tried to speak but she didn't stop, "Hang on a second-"
"Another kid at this point…at your age, my age, your kids ages!" She ran her fingers through her hair, "I mean…I want a baby. I want to be a Mother but you don't have to-"
"Olivia." Her full name startled her and she looked at him, "First of all, we don't even know for sure. You said you didn't take the test?"
She shook her head, "I…got nervous. And then I kinda wanted to do it with you but now I feel stupid and-"
"Don't." He whispered, a slow smile growing on his face, "I want to do this with you. This is my kid too…" She just stared at him and he shrugged, "Potentially…" He frowned and saw a strange look on her face and he quickly clarified, "I just meant…yes it would be mine I know that…that you weren't with…I just meant if you are pregnant."
She swallowed hard and looked at him, "El…I'm freaking out."
"I know." He whispered and reached for her hand and lifted it slowly, kissing her palms, "And I'm not gonna sit here and say I'm not a bit surprised. But am I mad?" He saw her hold her breath, "Not in the slightest."
Licking her lips she whispered, "You're…you're not?"
He smiled and shook his head, "No…Olivia, why would I be mad? We're both adults here. It takes two people to make a baby…you didn't do this on your own. And I would never ever think you would do something like that on purpose."
She stood up quickly and started to walk towards the bathroom before he could say anything else to her, "I'm gonna be sick."
He sighed and stood up to follow her, she had grabbed the bag with the tests in it and he knew better than to follow her into the bathroom. But he stood outside as he heard her throwing up. He figured it was a bit to do with nerves and if she was pregnant, also morning sickness. His heart was pounding in his chest as he waited. He heard her shuffling around, heard the water running, "Liv? You okay?"
He cringed even as he said it, it was a stupid question but she answered nervously, "Uh…yeah. Yes." She paused and then said, "No. I'm not."
He sighed and ran a hand over his face, "Do…do you want to take the test?" She was quiet and he whispered, "Just tell me what you want to do and I'll do it Liv…I'll do whatever you want me to do."
He heard her make a noise, and he felt like she was trying not to cry, "Can you just give me a minute? I need to…to calm down."
He cleared his throat and nodded even though she couldn't see him, "Of course. Of course. I'll…I'll be in the living room okay? Take your time. I'm right here…" He paused and pressed his hand into the door hoping she truly heard him, "No matter what happens…I'm right there Olivia. Do you hear me?"
He heard her whimper softly before she finally said, "I hear you…"
Taking that as a good sign, he stepped aside to let her take the time she needed to process. Out in the living room, he sat on the couch and thought through all the possibilities. Was it surprising? In a way. Then again, it was true that they'd been all over each other. And he knew that birth control wasn't always 100% effective. He also knew they'd both been stressed and things could have happened. But underneath all of that, he felt it in his gut that if she was pregnant…if she was carrying his child…this was meant to happen. And now that it was out there, now that it was a possibility not just a thought in his mind…he really wanted it.
Was it complicated? Of course it was. For so many reasons. For their partnership. For how this had all played out. For the fact that he had just gotten divorced. For his four children who may need time to process. But no matter what…he wanted this. He wanted it badly and he didn't realize how badly. But did she want it? Or was it just fear? Or did she truly not realize how much he loved her and wanted this future? Did she not understand that he wanted to be that man to give her all her dreams. To give her that child, that yes he had four children already whom he would love until he took his last breath, but he had room for one more in his heart or ten if she said she wanted that too. As long as it was with her, he wanted it. But how the hell could he make her see that?
He wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there but soon he heard the door open. She walked towards him, still pale. Very pale. A look of fear he'd never quite seen on her face, not even when they'd been in some very dangerous situations. Sitting down beside him, her hands were shaking and he reached for them, thankfully she didn't pull away, "I uh…I took a test." She paused and then laughed nervously, "Actually I took 6 but…yeah. I took them."
He let out a shaky breath and nodded, "Okay."
She glanced at the clock, "I need to uh…wait for results."
He kept his eyes trained on her, trying to read her expression but he couldn't. Not fully. And that scared him, "Okay."
She took her hand from his and he felt the loss immediately. But she pulled her legs up against her chest on the couch, wrapping her arms around her legs, "Can we…just not say anything until we know for sure?"
He opened his mouth to say something, he wanted to talk but the look on her face told him she needed a clear answer before they spoke. And so, he nodded and sat back on the couch, repeating the same word again, "Okay."
"Okay…" She whispered and her voice cracked as she spoke but they both ignored it.
They sat there, in silence, both of them going through the emotions and myriad of feelings. And in some way, it was symbolic to their partnership. To the years of staying silent, holding their feelings for each other in. And here it was, all laid out in front of them beside this fork in the road. A moment that would change both of their lives forever no matter which way it went. He wanted to say something. Wanted to say more. Wanted to tell her what he wanted, just like had for eight years.
But there they sat, side by side just as they always had.
In silence. Complete and utter silence.
Until finally it was time, and she stood up, "I'm gonna…"
His eyes watched her and he nodded, "Sure."
She was moving slowly, painfully slowly and he thought she might be shaking. He held his breath and then she turned to look at him, "I can't do it."
Pushing himself off the couch he walked towards her, trying to read her expression, "Alright…"
"I need you to do it." She said quickly, "I'm sorry…but I need you to do it. Can…can you-"
"Yeah. I can do that." He started to walk away, then turned and grabbed her hand, pulling her against his chest, pressing a kiss to her head, "I love you."
He felt her relax slightly, felt her lean into him and whisper against his neck, "I love you too."
He kissed her forehead once more then turned and walked towards the bathroom knowing she was standing right behind him. He took a few deep breaths, he knew what he wanted. There were no doubts in his mind. But what if it wasn't that? Slowly, he took the box and read the instructions so he knew exactly what he was looking for. And then, he turned towards the sink where all six tests were laid out side by side.
And then he looked.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.
All positive. All undoubtedly positive. And tears welled in his eyes. Olivia Benson, his partner, his best friend, the love of his life was carrying his child. He stared at them all, proof that all of this had really happened. Proof that what they had shared was real and in his mind, proof that their love was real.
Butterflies swarmed in his belly, he'd never quite understood that feeling or saying but right now he did. Walking out towards her, he locked eyes with her. Her eyes were wide, her body rigid as she waited. But somehow, his eyes must have told her the answer because her shoulders slumped, "Oh my God. Elliot, I'm so, so, so sorry…"
Walking towards her, he reached for her hand, "I'm not."
Her chest rose and fell rapidly as she tried to breathe through her emotions and fear, "What?"
"I'm not." He said, shaking his head adamantly, "I'm not sorry Olivia…not in the slightest." She just stared at him and pride filled his chest, he couldn't stop himself as he wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her, an excited sound leaving his lips, "You're having my baby!"
She held on tight, tears streaming down her face as she tried to comprehend what was happening, "Elliot…"
Placing her down, he was laughing, tears streaming down his own face and he reached for her once more. Holding her face firmly in his hands, he rested his forehead against hers, "You're having my baby…" He smiled and leaned in, kissing away her tears and pressing his lips to her, "My baby. I get to have a baby with you. I get to see you be a Mother. Jesus Liv…do you know how incredible that is?"
Her head was spinning as she held onto him, "Elliot…"
Wrapping his arms around her he looked at her, "Olivia…I need you to listen to me."
She melted into him, the weight of this hitting her full on, "You have four children…you've done this."
Elliot nodded slowly, "You're right. I do. But…this was meant to happen, Liv." He pressed a hand into her belly, "I'm telling you right now…this was meant to happen. I know it was…you and I were meant to have this child. And I will love this baby just as much as I love my four other children. I want this. I want it with you. I've wanted it with you. I've thought about it even before today…is this a surprise?" She swallowed hard, "Yes. But the best fucking surprise Liv. I'm right there. With you." He looked down at her belly and she placed her hand over his, "With both of you."
Staring at their hands joined, over her still flat stomach she thought of the life growing inside of her. This symbol of their partnership, the bond they had built, that they shared, that no one else could ever or would ever understand. She had always felt connected to him on a level that she didn't quite understand, that she never expected. But now, this, this child would connect them for life no matter how hard she tried to deny it, and she didn't want to deny it. Didn't want to deny him. Didn't want to deny this miracle. Because that's what it was. For her…it was a miracle.
Looking up at him she whispered, "We're…we're having a baby?"
His face erupted in a smile and he nodded, "We're having a baby." She stared at him in awe and then he started to laugh, turning he yelled out into the small space, the excitement and happiness evident in his voice, "We're having a baby Liv!"
She watched him, a look of elation that she'd never seen in him before. He was pacing, but celebrating, tears streaming down his own face and she felt it. He was happy. He wanted this. He wasn't upset. Didn't feel burdened. Didn't feel angry. Didn't feel trapped. He felt love. He felt excited. He wanted her. Wanted this baby. Wanted this future and it was all right there for her to take hold of.
He turned back to her, hands on the back of his head as he breathed and then he said it one more time, "We…we are having a baby."
She covered her mouth with her hands, and a silent but happy sob erupted from her chest. He walked to her, pulled her into his arms and she pressed her face into his neck, "I love you so much."
He sighed and kissed her temple, "You will never know how much I love you Liv. Never."
They stood there, taking it in, wrapping their minds around this new reality and knowing that as scary, as surprising as it was, it was exactly what they both wanted.
They spent most of the day sleeping, talking and just being together. And it was everything they both needed. They were sitting in the living room, she was reading a book, her feet in his lap as he massaged her feet and watched a game on mute. Looking over at him, she studied him like she had done often in their partnership when he wasn't looking. But now she could look freely, admire, and be proud and happy of what they had built. Even if it was complicated, even if it had started as something different in her eyes, she knew looking at him this was real.
As his strong hands moved along her feet, her ankles, her calves and she was reminded of that first night when he'd come over. The night before this had all started. He'd done the same thing, and it had surprised her, excited her, confused her. But right now, it felt so right, so normal. He must have sensed a shift in her, because he turned to look at her, his face was impassive at first but then he smiled, "What?"
His hands never stopped moving though and she sighed, resting her head against the back of the couch, "That feels good…"
He smiled and lifted her leg, pressing a kiss to her ankle making her laugh, "Good."
He dropped her feet back into his lap and reached for the remote, turning it off before he turned to her. They were quiet and he continued, applying a little more pressure but neither of them moved, "Do you still feel nauseous?" He finally asked.
She shook her head and absentmindedly rubbed her belly, but he noticed it and pride filled his chest, "Not at the moment, no."
"That damn tea of yours must have helped." He teased tickling her leg, but she nodded, "You know that if you don't feel well…or if you need something you can ask, right?" She lay there, watching him and he smiled, "I know that's hard for you…to ask for help." She shot him a look and he laughed, "And…to be fair it's hard for me too. But I guess we need to do it together, okay?"
She smiled softly, "Okay."
Leaning forward he slid his hands up under her sweater, his fingers caressing her belly, "And for our baby."
Biting her lip, she nodded slowly, "Our baby."
Leaning all the way down, he kissed her stomach and sighed, "Our daughter."
She laughed and ran her fingers through his short hair, "Elliot…we don't know it's a girl. We couldn't possibly know that right now."
He smiled and adjusted the cushions behind him to lay beside her, his nuzzling into her belly, "I know Liv. I know it's a girl. I feel it." He kissed her just above her belly button twice and sighed, closing his eyes as he leaned into her, "A little mini you…I just feel it. And I can't fucking wait to meet her."
Her eyes burned again as she massaged the back of his neck, watching him hold her and their unborn child close, "El…"
"She'll be beautiful. And smart. Kind, funny. Full of life and energy." He traced lazy patterns against her skin and she sucked in stomach, "She'll be bold…and passionate. Stronger than anyone…a powerhouse. A girl who takes the world by storm and shows them who is boss just like her Momma. She will be everything…everything Liv. Just like you are."
Letting his words sink in, she thought about it. Seeing him with their daughter. Half of her, half of him and she couldn't wait. All of this always seemed so far out of reach, but it was right here in front of her. But not only was she going to be a Mother, she was going to get to do this with the man she loved more than anything in this world. She was so lost in thought, so consumed by her feelings she didn't notice that he had moved slightly so that he held himself above her, "Liv?"
She took a little breath and then looked up at him smiling, "Hm? Sorry…Did you say something?"
Lifting his hand, he stroked the side of her face, "Have dinner with me tonight."
She couldn't help but laugh and she said, "Were you planning on having dinner separately from me? We're in a small space here El…"
He laughed and leaned down, pressing his lips to her shoulder, "No. I meant…" He sighed and lifted his head to look at her, smiling, "Will you have dinner with me tonight?"
And then it sunk in and her heart skipped a beat, "Are you asking me out on a date?"
Nodding slowly he whispered, "I realized…we haven't had a real official date. And maybe it seems a little backwards…or a little late but it's important to me." Leaning in, he kissed her nose, "You are important to me. And I want to take you out…on a real date. Show you off to the world. Spoil you." She blushed and he smiled, leaning in to kiss her lips softly, never taking his eyes off of her, "Have dinner with me tonight Liv."
She saw it in his face, how important this actually was. And it would be easy to say she didn't need it, that they were past that, that they'd had a million and one dinners together in the last almost decade. But this was different. Very different. And he was putting in the effort. So she could do the same. More than that, she wanted to do the same. Wrapping her hand around his neck again she smiled, leaning in she whispered, "I'd love to."
He took a deep breath, looked her right in the eye and said, "So we have ourselves a date Ms. Benson?"
"Looks like it." She leaned in and kissed him, laughing softly, "Only took us eight years to get here."
He laughed and held her even closer, "But we're here…"
"We're here." She whispered softly and looked down at her belly, "We're all here…"
He smiled and scooted down again, wrapping his arms around her middle and resting his head on her belly once more. "Yeah. We are."
Standing in front of the mirror, Olivia was looking at herself all dressed up. He was taking her to a little Italian restaurant they had passed in town. It was quiet, small and intimate. A far cry from the hustle and bustle of the city that she was so used to. And for that she was thankful. It would allow them to talk, to focus on each other and nothing else. But that was also a bit terrifying.
Her heart was racing, her palms were sweaty. She'd never been this nervous for a date before. Looking at herself she saw every flaw she could possibly see. Was it all in her head, was her dress just a little tighter? Was she already showing? So much of their relationship, especially in the last few months has been about that spark, that sexual connection that ignited whenever they touched. And though he had said he loved her for more than her body, though he had proved it, what if she was never the same again? A child would be worth it, but she selfishly didn't want to lose that feeling.
As usual, he somehow knew though and suddenly his arms were wrapped around her from behind. He swayed them both back and forth as he rested his chin on her shoulder and watched her in the mirror, his hands settling on her belly, "God you're beautiful."
Her breath caught in her throat and she leaned her back into him, "Elliot…"
He moved his head, pressing his lips to her neck, "You're beautiful. You've always been beautiful. And you will always be beautiful."
Sucking in a breath she asked, "Even if I don't look like this after?"
Lifting his head to catch her eye in the mirror he smiled, "If you think that some changes in your body are going to scare me off…you're wrong Liv. All symbols of the fact that you're gonna carry and nurture my child. You're fucking sexy, you always have been and knowing you are pregnant with my baby makes you even more so. I'm always going to want you. But I did tell you…it's about a lot more than sex for me. Always has been."
"I know." She said with a sigh, holding his arms tighter, "But…I can't deny that I like knowing you want me. And what we…what we have is different. And I don't want to lose that."
"We won't." He whispered, but she still looked unsure so he smiled and ran his fingers through her hair, "Liv…I still thought you were the sexiest woman in the world when you had that ridiculous pixie haircut. I still wanted to do very inappropriate things to you…"
She gasped and nudged him with her elbow, "You know that haircut was a mistake! The lady screwed up and there was no fixing it! I hated it too!"
He laughed and bit down hard on her ear lobe, "I know. But I'm just saying…if I loved you then babe, if I wanted you, desired you more than anything…nothing is going to change that for me."
She smiled and turned to look at him, "So chopping all my hair off after the baby is born might not be the best decision?"
He laughed and ran his hands through her incredibly long, straight hair, "Nah, I'll still want you no matter what. But…I do like your hair like this. I like running my fingers through it…" He felt her heart pounding a little harder as he leaned in and kissed across her cheek and towards her neck, biting softly making her moan, "And I love pulling on it in bed when I take you from behind. Such a fucking turn on…"
She sighed, and pressed herself against him, already wanting him badly, "El…"
He sucked harder on her neck and she whimpered, his hands sliding down her back across the material of her dress and gripping her hips, "I love your curves Liv. Every last one of them…I can't get enough of you." He laughed and nudged her belly, "Hence how we got this little one here…"
She laughed and gripped his back harder, "Elliot…maybe we should forget about dinner and just-"
He pulled back quickly and shook his head, "Hell no. I've waited a long time to take you on a date, Liv…and I'm not going to screw this up. Plus…we have a lot to celebrate." Holding her face gently he whispered, "So…we're going. And then…then I'll take you home and prove how sexy you are Benson…sound like a plan?"
Staring at him in the bedroom light, she reached out and touched his face, "You're a really good guy Elliot Stabler…did you know that?"
He pressed his cheek into her hand and smiled, "I want to make you happy Liv. That's all I want."
Walking up to him, she slid her hand down his chest and took his hand, "Well you're doing a hell of a job at it El."
Squeezing her hand, he pulled her towards the door, "Come on."
He'd held doors for her, pulled out her chair, pulled her close and tuned into everything she had to say, listening like everything she said was the most important thing he'd ever heard. She felt safe. She felt heard. She felt like this is what had always been missing. Someone who actually genuinely cared. Someone who saw her worth. Someone who wanted to take the time, despite knowing her as much as he already did, to know her on an even deeper level.
As they waited for their entrees, he must have sensed a shift in her. And he smiled, taking a sip of his water, he'd refused alcohol though she told him she didn't mind if he dranked. But he had said he wanted to be present, that he wanted to do this journey with her and that was overwhelming. It was all overwhelming, but in a good way. In a very good way. Placing his glass down, he scooted his chair closer and took her hand, "You doing okay?"
Threading her fingers through his she nodded, "Yeah." He gave her a look and she laughed, "I'm…just taking this in. It's been a hell of a day."
"It has." He lifted their hands and pressed his kiss to the back of her hand and whispered, "But in a good way, right?"
Nodding slowly she smiled, "In a very good way. But there is something I want to say…I'm just-" He waited and she sighed, "I don't want you to…take it the wrong way?"
He sat up a little straighter, felt his heart pounding in his chest and he nodded, "Okay…well you can tell me anything Liv. Whatever it is…we'll deal with it together. Just like we always have." She just sat there, staring at him and he frowned, "I mean…are you feeling like the baby is-"
"No. No…" She squeezed his hand and shook her head, "No El. It's not…I was scared this morning. But I want this…I want this baby. And the only person I want it with…is you."
He smiled, feeling slightly relieved and nodded, "Okay. Well…then whatever it is we can figure it out. I promise."
She still looked nervous and she fidgeted in her seat, "I um…I love you. You know that, right?" He nodded slowly, "And I want…to do this together. To have this family…" Her lips curled up when she said family and he knew how important that was to her, "But…I don't want you to propose…" She saw it, that pain and she moved her second hand out to him, "Elliot…listen to me."
He dropped his head and whispered, "Huh…"
"No, please, please listen to me. I need you to hear me when I say this. It's important to me." He didn't pull away but she felt him slipping, felt that progress they had made beginning to come into question and she needed him to fully understand, "Can you please, please look at me? I really need you to understand fully what I'm saying El. Because…it's not what you think."
He took a moment, processing his feelings, and then slowly lifted his head. If she was trying to talk to him about it, if she was going to put an effort in, that meant something. He knew her usual response was to pull away, to run but she was trying to fight, for what at the moment he wasn't sure. So he chose to listen, and believe that whatever her reasoning, it was good. Holding onto her hand tighter, he nodded slowly, "Okay…I'm listening."
With her heart pounding, she knew that whatever she said had to be just right. She had to make sure that she explained it so that he knew she cared, that it wasn't that she didn't want to get married, "I…love you. I want this family…and this future."
He nodded again trying to keep up, "Okay…but you don't want me to propose…"
"It's not that I don't want you to propose. I just…I mean I don't want you to propose right now." She said quickly, her eyes searching his, "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Clearing his throat, he let her words swarm around in his brain and he sighed, "You don't want me to propose right now…okay?" He frowned and then leaned back slightly, "Honestly…no I don't understand what you're saying."
"Okay." She held his hand firmly in hers, refusing to let go so he knew she was right beside him, "Did you…when you realized I was pregnant feel the need to propose?"
"Uh…" He laughed nervously, "I didn't feel the need to propose. But I did want to propose."
Tears welled in her eyes and she smiled, "Because you're a good man…"
He shook his head, "No. Because I love you. And our child. And I want what's best for us…"
She slid her chair even closer to him and rested her free hand on his thigh, "I know you do. I know that El. But the thing is…" She took a shaky breath, "The ink is barely dry on your divorce papers…and your kids are adjusting to the divorce. And will need to get used to the idea of me having a baby. A new sibling…"
Her words hit him like a blow to the chest, not because he was angry or hurt but because she was right, "Oh."
"And I know you love me. I don't doubt that for a second Elliot. You've proved that a million times in the last few days alone." She squeezed his thigh, "I…but you have to think about this in terms of more than just us. Because it isn't just us…this baby is going to have four siblings. Four kids who I adore and want to respect their feelings…and Kathy's too. This is going to be a lot El. You have to know it's going to be a lot."
"You're right." He whispered, "I…I got so wrapped up in the excitement I didn't think about how hard it might be. I mean they adore you…I know that. But it's…this is…"
"I know." She whispered, squeezing his leg, "I know." Leaning in she pressed her lips to his cheek, "I love you El…but we have done this a bit backwards. And I don't regret it…but I don't want to rush it. Okay?"
He opened his mouth to speak but the waiter walked over and placed their plates down. Elliot smiled and looked up at him, "Thank you."
Olivia was still watching him, waiting to make sure he had heard her. Even if she was starving, she would have forgone dinner to ensure that they were on the same page, "Are we okay?"
Smiling, he took her hand once more and pressed it to his lips, "We're okay. And I hear you…you're completely right. And I think I needed to hear that…I also couldn't love you more for thinking clearly for the both of us."
"Someone has too." She said with a laugh, "In the eight years that we've been together as partners…one of us has always kind of jumped off head first into something and while I love that, at times it's gotten us into trouble. Not that I'm saying marriage would be trouble…we level each other out. And that's important."
"We do make a good team." He said with a smile as he picked up his fork, "A very good team…which is why I know we're gonna be okay."
She smiled and continued to watch him, "Me too."
He pointed at his plate with his fork and then frowned, "But just so we're clear…" Her smile grew, "You're not saying you don't ever want to get married to me, right? You're just saying…not right now."
Leaning back in, she kissed him gently and whispered, "Someday I'm gonna marry you Elliot Stabler. When the time is right. Just not right now…"
Kissing her again, he kept his eyes trained on her, "Just not right now." Another quick kiss and he leaned back once more, "I can live with that."
"Good." She smiled and reached for her fork, feeling like though it had been a hard conversation, most of what they had said today had been important. Things that needed to be said. And it proved to her that this was real. That they could make this work and would make this work. And that was all she needed to hear.
Their date had been everything and more than either of them could have hoped for. And when he'd taken her home, he had proved just how much he loved her in so many different ways. It was late, very late and he was fast asleep after one hell of a day. Yet somehow, she had more energy than she'd ever had before. Maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was the emotions and craziness of the day. But either way, she couldn't seem to sleep and she didn't want to take her eyes off of him.
He was lying on his stomach, hands resting under the pillow, his head facing her. The sheet lay low on his hips exposing the expanse of his back, his muscles rippling as he breathed in and out. He'd hate it if she said it outloud, but to her, he was beautiful. Yes he was sexy, sexier than she ever could have imagined, but he was handsome in a way she couldn't quite place. The world saw him as rough and tough, and that was true. He'd do anything to protect the people he loved and the victims they saw. But, underneath it all, he was gentle and kind, giving and passionate in a way no one would ever believe. Lucky for her, they didn't need to see it, she liked that it was all reserved for her.
This man was about to give her absolutely everything she'd ever wanted. A family. To be loved. A child. And he wanted this, wanted her. Even after such a long day, after he'd already made love to her in ways she couldn't have ever imagined, she still wanted him. God she wanted him. And as he had spoiled her, she in turn wanted to spoil him too.
As quietly as she could, she slipped out of the bed and he shifted slightly, his arm reaching for her but not waking up fully. Grabbing her bag, she walked into the bathroom and rifled through her bag finding exactly what she was looking for. Her heart sped up as she reached for it. As she changed into the lingerie she packed, the very lingerie she'd worn that first time she thought about how anxious she had been. How she had thought the whole thing was crazy, and maybe it was in the way that they had started this. She never would have guessed this would be where they are…
But as she slipped it on over her body, she noticed that her chest filled out the top more. If any changes in her body happened, he would definitely like that one. She was by no means lacking in that department on a good day, but now she was clearly going to reap benefits of pregnancy, and so was he. Maybe changes in her body wouldn't be so bad. Fixing her hair, she looked at herself and remembered what it felt like the first time he saw her in this.
He'd been worried when she had laughed, but it wasn't about him. She was so anxious, she couldn't believe that he was going to touch her that she felt overwhelmed with emotions. Even now, months later, pregnant with his child, planning a future, she still felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by how much she loved him. He'd gone above and beyond to prove how much he loved her in the last few weeks, and if she thought about it, he'd shown it in so many ways for so many years. She had just been afraid to see it…
Walking back into the bedroom, she saw that he was still fast asleep and she once again took the time to watch him. To Take this moment in, this vision of the man she had loved for close to a decade. The man that was offering her a lifetime of that love when she assumed she'd be alone forever. But this man, and this child growing inside of her meant she never would be alone again.
Walking towards the bed, she climbed up beside him and he shifted once more, still not waking up. Oh this was going to be fun she thought. Leaning forward, she pressed a kiss to his cheek, and then began to shift her kisses along his neck, towards his shoulder, his back. He took a deep breath in his sleep but still didn't wake up. Moving, she straddled his back, rocking her hips into him and he groaned once more. Smiling, she leaned forward and placed more open mouth kisses up his back before settling on his ear, tugging on his earlobe, "Liv?"
She smiled and kissed the side of his face, "Yes?"
He tensed slightly, but she saw him smiling, his eyes still closed, "What are you doing?"
She sighed and ran her hands up and down his back and he sighed, "Hm…I thought that it was my turn to spoil you a bit."
His fingers clenched around the sheet around him, "Liv…you do that by simply existing."
She smiled, her heart flipping in her chest, "You're sweet…but just relax okay?"
He felt her hands begin to knead into his muscles and he sighed, already reacting to her touch, "Okay…"
She shifted lower, settling on his upper thighs. She alternated between massaging deeply and teasing his skin and muscles with her fingers making him jump and shiver. She couldn't help but laugh, "Feel good?"
He sighed, adjusting his head on the pillow, "Damn good Liv…I could get used to this."
"I think we can arrange it to become a regular thing." She said, pressing her thumbs into his lower back.
"Can it be a couples massage thing?" He asked groaning as she hit a deeper muscle, "Cuz I enjoy massaging you too you know…"
She smiled and leaned forward again, kissing him between his shoulder blades, "Do you remember that night…when you first came over and made the proposition. You…were massaging my feet, my legs…do you remember that?"
He smiled as he listened to her, "I remember…"
"I was…confused." She said with a sigh, "I didn't understand why you were so…touchy." She laughed and she heard him laugh, "Were you…I mean did you have a plan coming over that night?"
He was quiet, trying to think of how to answer her question, "I'm not sure I had a full plan…I had a hope that maybe you'd let me in. I didn't know what to expect…but you sort of made that comment and it felt like a foot in the door for me. So I took it…"
She listened to him and then whispered, "So…can I ask what promoted it? Was it Porter?"
He grunted, "Fucking Porter…"
She laughed and ran her fingers up his spine again, "God you really are a jealous son of a bitch Elliot Stabler…" He laughed harder, "You know that I wanted nothing to do with him and you still hate him."
He huffed and rested his chin on his hands, "Liv, I'm jealous of any man that got to touch you or look at you. I hate thinking about it."
Leaning in, she kissed the back of his head and whispered, "Then I guess it's a good thing you're the only man that gets to look at me from now on…right?"
Needing to look at her, he shifted and she took the hint, lifting her hips so he could roll onto his back. As soon as he turned, his breath caught in his throat as he looked at her, "Liv…"
Her cheeks flushed and she ran her fingers up and down his chest, his hands resting on her hips, "Yeah?"
Leaning up on his elbows he smiled at her, "This is familiar…"
She smiled and leaned down to kiss him, "You remember…"
"Of course I remember." He said with a sigh, "It was our first time…maybe a bit unconventional but to me it meant everything." She swallowed hard, her hands kneading the muscles of his chest, "And for the record…it's a damn good thing I'm the only man that gets to look at you from now on." He sat up slightly and kissed her, "I refuse to share you…and you agreed to the rules."
She smiled and pushed him back, "Technically…you agreed to rules first."
Elliot laughed and settled back on the bed again, "Yeah but your rules were stupid…mine weren't."
She shook her head and leaned forward again, kissing him slowly, "My rules weren't stupid." He grunted and she peeked at him, his eyes were dark and she smiled, "Okay maybe they were a little stupid…but I was just trying to protect myself El. I just…" She pouted and looked at him, "I didn't think…"
"I know what you thought." He whispered, "And that's partially my fault…maybe I should have made my intentions known. And to be fair…" He ran his fingers through her hair and sighed, "I guess I didn't because I didn't think you could love me either." He saw shock on her face and he shrugged, "I didn't think I was worthy of you. So I figured if we…maybe crossed a few lines it could lead to something more? That maybe you'd see me as more?"
"Oh El…" She smiled and touched his cheek, "I always saw you as more…"
He shrugged and whispered, "I guess we're both crazy…"
"I guess so…" She sighed and kissed him once.
When she started to lower her kisses, rocking against him, he smiled "Do you remember that first time?" He asked curiously.
She smiled against his chest and whispered, "I remember it all Elliot…" The sheet lowered and he sucked in a breath as she pressed her lips just below his navel, her hands moving towards his cock, "Every second of it."
He swallowed hard watching her, his hand moving out to wrap in her hair, "Do you remember that you laughed at me?"
She laughed against his skin and she sighed, "I wasn't laughing at you Elliot." Looking up at him she saw him giving her a skeptical stare and she smiled, "I was laughing because I was nervous…I couldn't help it. I told you…you make me nervous."
"You made a man feel self conscious." He growled, "I was already worried as hell that I wouldn't be able to satisfy you. And then that…that made it even more intimidating."
She frowned and slowly slid her hands up and down the length of him, "I'm sorry babe. It had nothing to do with you…I was just freaking out. Not to mention…" She sighed and kissed the tip of him, "I was afraid I wouldn't be enough for you…"
It was his turn to laugh, "You're joking right? Liv…you intimidated the hell outta me fully clothed. And then I was gonna see you naked? Please…" She smiled at him, stroking him gently and he groaned, "And then you came out in that…" He huffed and nodded towards her, "Thought I was gonna have a fucking stroke…"
She laughed and licked him from the base to the tip, "Lingerie was a new one for you too huh?"
"Everything was new for me." He said with a laugh, "And it was amazing to get to do it all with you."
She smiled holding her lips just above him, "Whether you realize it or not El…a lot of those were firsts for me too. And I only would have done many of the things we did with you. Because I trust you."
His heart jumped in his chest listening to her words, "Do you know how much that means to me?"
"I think I do." She said massaging his thighs, "Now…I told you that you weren't ready that first time…"
"No." He said with a laugh, "And you were right. I would have pulled a Porter and been done in seconds if you tried to do this…"
She couldn't help but laugh, pressing her forehead into his leg, "Elliot!"
He was laughing just as hard, and it felt good, to laugh, to be so intimate and still be playful, "I'm just saying…trust me I was saying every prayer I knew that I didn't embarrass the hell out of myself."
She laughed and shook her head, "Elliot…"
"But you showed up later…" He said with a smirk, "And boy did you blow me away…"
"No pun intended?" She asked with a wicked smile as she wrapped her lips around the tip of him.
He bit down hard on his lip and smiled, "Oh no there was pun intended in that…"
She smiled and slid her mouth over him, "Mmm…" He groaned loudly and she smiled, pulling back to lick him slowly, "You didn't embarrass yourself Elliot…far from it."
He sucked in a breath as she pulled him back into her mouth, "Damn Liv…" He tightened his grip on her hair as she bobbed her head up and down over the length of him again and again, "Thank God I didn't embarrass myself…"
She pulled back to take a breath, stroking him and using her free hand to massage his balls making him shiver, "Far from it El…"
He sighed as she took him in her mouth once more, sucking in her cheeks, tightening her hold on him and his eyes closed tight, "Fuck…"
He tried to breathe, focussed on nothing but the feel of her. He remembered how many emotions he had felt that day, how badly he had wanted to please her, how badly he had wanted to touch her, to feel her, to be inside of her. But he was so afraid to ruin his chances before it had even started. Even that first day, she had shown him things he didn't know could be real. And as much of a roller coaster as it had been to get here, he wouldn't have changed anything. Because she was beside him, she was choosing to touch him, to want to be here with him. And on top of all of that, she was carrying his child. And that made her even sexier.
Opening his eyes, he looked down at her again and smiled when he realized she was staring right back at him as she held him in her mouth. And as good as it felt, he wanted her, wanted to take her, please her, love her. He reached for her and she smiled as he pulled her up and over his lap again, the lace of her panties slid across his cock and he sighed, "Olivia…"
She smiled, rolling her hips in circles before reaching down to push the material to the side, just as she had that first day. Holding her hips firmly, he lifted her up and she sighed, settling herself over the tip of him, "Want to know a secret?
He sighed and teased her gently, his fingers rubbing her clit, "I don't know…do I?"
Her head fell back slightly and she gripped his forearms, running her pussy along the length of him, "Mmm…I think you'll like this secret."
He stared up at her in awe, her breasts pushing against the black lace of her bra, "Tell me…"
Lifting herself higher, she pushed down, sinking on top of his cock and she whimpered gently, "You were afraid of not pleasing me…" She settled down on top of him, taking the time to feel so full and satisfied, "But you…" Slowly she began to ride him and he started to breathe heavily, "Even that first time…you were the best lover I'd ever had."
His fingers slid to her ass, the tips digging into her muscles, "Liv…"
Leaning forward, her clit brushed against his cock and she moaned loudly before holding his face gently, kissing him, "I knew…I was in big, big trouble. That I wasn't going to be able to let you go…"
His hands gripped her tighter and he brushed his tongue against her lower lip, begging for entrance, "I didn't want to be let go Liv…and I sure as hell didn't want to let you go."
She moved with purpose, just like she had that first time, "You said you didn't know what you were doing…but you knew exactly how to please me Elliot." His hands slid up her back and pulled at the clasp of her bra, "You know me…"
He smiled, sliding the straps of her bra down her arms, wanting to touch her, "I've been trying to tell you that for months…"
Sighing softly, she leaned back just so he could wrap his lips around her nipple, just like she had told him, "He remembers his lesson…"
He laughed and swirled his tongue around the sensitive nub and then bit down gently making her cry out, "I remember everything…"
"Everything?" She asked sitting up and leaning back, she rested her hands on his knee, "You sure about that?"
Sliding his hands up and down her body he smiled, "I'm telling you I memorized it…and every time after…"
She smiled as he reached up with one hand and held her breast firmly in his hand, and the other slid between her legs, rubbing her gently, "Oh yes…he does remember."
"Do you know how sexy it was to watch you take charge like that?" He growled, "To take control of me, of your body, your pleasure?"
She held his hand against her chest as she bounced on top of him, "Fuck El…"
He smiled as he watched her, "Olivia…" He practically hissed her name as she clenched down around him, "God I can't get enough of you…you're intoxicating. I never, ever would have been able to give you up."
"Thank God you didn't let me run…" She moaned loudly, "Elliot…oh my God…"
He sat up slowly, needing to be closer to her. She gasped when he wrapped her legs around him. He took her by surprise and slid out of her, adjusting their position on the bed. He lay her back, lifting one of her legs, he draped it over the opposite shoulder, twisting her slightly as he entered her again, "Fuck…"
He smiled, kissing her calf, "Tell me it's only me Liv…that it was always going to be me…" His teeth scraped across her skin and he sighed, "That I will be the only one from here on out."
Her hands fell on either side of her, and she gripped the sheets around her, "Elliot, it's always been you. God it will always be you…fuck…" She bit down hard on the pillow beside her and cried out to him, "Oh my God…Elliot…fuck baby…"
He slammed into her, filling her so deep and fast he groaned, holding her leg tighter, "God you feel so good."
She whimpered, feeling him take control, her body desperate for him, "Elliot…"
He ran his fingers up and down her leg, his tongue sliding up and down her calf, "Fuck…mine. You are mine. Only mine…"
"I don't want anyone else, Elliot." She groaned, "You…it's you…"
He bent her leg back and leaned over her, "Say it again. Tell me you're mine…"
She smiled, the pleasure mounting, he was territorial, and demanding in bed and God help her but she found it so sexy. Maybe because it was her that he wanted, after so many years of thinking he'd never want her, "I am yours. Only yours."
He growled, biting down hard knowing he'd leave a mark but he didn't care, "My girl…mine."
She arched her back off the mattress, tugging on her nipples as he fucked her hard, "Oh-oh my God!"
He wrapped his hand around her leg, and his second hand moved out, desperate for her to come first. "Come on baby…"
She gasped for air, the heat rising in her body, "El…right-right there. Please…please."
He snapped his hips back and slammed into her and her body spasmed around him, her legs shaking hard. He moaned loudly, sweat trickling down his spine as he came hard, filling her. His body bent forward slightly and he let go of her leg, it slid down his side, settling around his hip. He groaned, leaning down to kiss her neck, and then her lips, falling beside her, "Jesus Christ…"
She laughed and took a steadying breath as she turned to look at him, curling up against his side, "Sorry I woke you up…"
He laughed, pressing his hand into his chest, "Never, ever apologize for waking me up especially when the reason is mind blowing sex."
She laughed and bit down on his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his middle, "Better than an alarm clock?"
"Fuck my alarm clock." He growled and wrapped his arm around her.
She laughed harder and threw her leg over his waist, "No…fuck me…"
"I think I just did." He snorted, dropping a kiss to the top of her head, "Should I do it again?"
"Yes." She said with a sigh, pressing kisses along his chest, "And again…and again…"
Looking down at her he smiled, "Today's been a good day…" Reaching out, he touched her cheek and whispered, "A damn good day…"
"I thought I wanted you before." She whispered, her cheeks flushing, "But turns out these pregnancy hormones make me insatiable…"
He raised his eyebrow and smiled, "You're not tired yet?"
She smiled and shook her head, "No…" He started to laugh and she said, "I gave you a nap old man…you gonna leave me hanging?"
He smiled and slowly eased her leg off of him, "Go get in the shower woman…"
She squealed and kissed him as she knelt before him, "What kind of shower is this going to be?"
He smiled, reached out and slapped her ass playfully, "Whatever kind you want…I aim to please Benson."
Leaning down, she kissed him again, "You're a hell of a man Stabler…"
Climbing over him he pressed his hand into his chest, taking a few deep breaths, "Hey Liv?"
Standing by the bathroom door, she turned, looking back at him, "Yeah?"
Turning he looked right at her, his eyes honest and true and he smiled, "I love you."
Resting her cheek against the doorframe she sighed, happiness filling her entire body. And though it was early, she swore she felt a flutter in her belly, a reminder of how deep that love truly went, "I love you too."
And he believed her. He knew this was real…and this future he so desperately wanted was just around the corner. Finally. He watched her slip into the bathroom, heard the shower running, and heard her humming to herself. He sighed happily looking at the ceiling, "We're gonna be okay…"
And for the first time, he really believed it.
