A/N: Hey, y'all. So this one's really really angsty, and more angst to come. I guess Mrs Eads is rubbing off on me. This chapter is dedicated to her, b/c she is the queen of angst. You rock! Thanks for all the awesome reviews, and please continue!

The next morning, it was Nick's turn to head into work, and Sara stayed home. She was busy feeding the twins at the table when Nick kissed her goodbye and an excited Mally followed him out the door to catch a ride. The girl was practically oozing enthusiasm and energy at the prospect of meeting her birth mother. Sara could tell it was scaring the hell out of Nick – not just what would happen if they couldn't find her, but what would happen if they did.

Last night, Nick had fished out Carolyn's last card to Mally – a Christmas card two years ago. The cards had strangely stopped since then; she hadn't missed a birthday or Christmas since 1995. Nick had a bad feeling about it, but he'd promised Mally they'd look for her. He tucked the last card and envelope into his work bag, and promised to call the New York City Ballet, and City Hall, to see if he could pick up any threads. Carolyn never included her return address on the envelopes, obviously never wanting to be contacted.

"When are you gonna call?" Mally was practically bouncing in her seat. She didn't know how she was going to get through the school day. All that was running through her mind was her mother, and she was so sure that they'd find her. She was picturing talking to her today, even though that probably wouldn't happen, but you never know. It happened on Lifetime, so why not her life?

"Mal, I don't want you getting too excited, and then be disappointed." Nick tried to calm her down, but it was no use. "We don't know where she is, and if she even wants to be found."

"Dad, stop being so pessimistic! We could find her today!" She beamed.

"Maybe, sweetheart. I just don't want you getting hurt." Nick said softly, wishing this whole thing had never come up. They were perfectly happy as their family of five. Why did Mally want to go traipsing around for the number one villain in his life? He loved Mally, but he really hated Carolyn.

"I won't get hurt." She said matter-of-factly. The girl had some tough skin, he had to admit. She'd been through a lot in her life, and she was turning out wonderfully. He just prayed that Carolyn, or lack thereof, wouldn't mess up everything he'd raised her to be, or knock her down.

The Denali pulled up to Las Vegas High, and Nick let out a cleansing sigh, willing himself to stay calm.

"Have a good day at school, alright, and try not to think too much about it."

"Yeah, right! That's all I'm gonna think about! Love you, dad." Mally gave him a kiss on the cheek and hopped out the car, walking confidently into the front doors.

"That's what I'm afraid of." Nick muttered as he drove away to work.

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"Yes, may I speak to the director? Thank you." Nick nervously cleared his throat as he paced Grissom's office, an envelope in hand. He fanned the object back and forth nervously as he waited for the receptionist to transfer him. Nick had finally willed himself to do it. Grissom let him use his office while he called the New York City Ballet Company, where Carolyn may have worked. It was a stab in the dark, but at least it was something.

"Yeah, hi. My name is Nick Stokes and I live in Las Vegas, Nevada. I was hoping just to find out some information about your dancers. Has anyone ever worked there named Carolyn Malders?"

"Carolyn Malders?" Said the voice on the other end. "Well, I have been director here for only a year or so, so I'd have to check the personnel files. May I ask why?"

Nick didn't know to tell the truth, or go into some spiel about investigating some crime. In the end, he decided to go with his heart.

"Actually, I'm calling for my daughter. Carolyn is her mother, and we haven't heard from her in fifteen years. My daughter really wants to meet her, if at all possible."

"Oh, I'm sorry about that." The man apologized, showing genuine empathy for their situation. "That's a tough situation. Uh…let me talk with some people around and I'll get back to you. You said your name is Nick Stokes?"

Nick thanked the man and gave him his phone number. After hanging up, Nick felt his heart rate return to normal and he let out a huge gust of air. They may be getting somewhere, and he wasn't sure if he was happy about it or not. What would she look like after all these years? Had she moved on, or did she still think about them all the time, like he thought about her? Was she okay?

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Sara had been called into work that afternoon, so she had to drop the twins off at the Grissoms', where Catherine was watching them, since she didn't have to go to work until later. They needed her to stay, so Nick drove over to pick up the twins, and then he would pick up Mally from softball practice at school. He was dreading seeing Mally, because she'd be so excited, but he'd have to break her the news.

"Come in!" Catherine called from the floor when she heard the doorbell ring. A solemn-looking Nick Stokes walked through the door, though he tried to look cheery for the twins. He quietly shut the door and sat down on the couch next to where the twins were happily playing with some of Natalie and Lindsey's old toys. "Hi there, stud!" Catherine nudged his leg, but then her face dropped when she saw the look on his.

"What's the matter?" She asked him, looking genuinely concerned. They'd been through a lot together, and she could tell when something was really wrong. At the show of empathy, Nick's eyes welled up with tears and he shook his head, looking down.

"Kids, you keep on playing. I'm going to go get something to drink in the kitchen with your daddy." Catherine told the three year olds. She got up and pulled on Nick's upper arm as he tried to control himself. Nick kept his face hidden under his baseball hat and skillfully stood up in one swift motion. Though he'd successfully hidden his face, the twins knew something was wrong.

"Why daddy sad?" Aidan asked his sister as they played with their cousins' toys.

"I don' know. Maybe he got a boo boo." Bailey figured, and they went back to playing, though their daddy was on their mind.

Back in the kitchen, Nick faced away from his children and put a hand over his face, leaning on the counter for support.

"Nick, what's wrong? What happened? Is it Mally?" Catherine asked quickly, trying to look up into her friend's face. She rarely saw him in tears. In fact, the only times she remembered him in tears was his children's births, when he had a gun pointed to his face twice. Man, this guy had been through a lot! What the hell was wrong now?

The whole situation had happened so fast, Nick didn't even have a chance to tell Catherine what he was doing. He'd let Grissom know they were searching for Carolyn, but that was basically all he had time for.

"Carolyn's dead." He managed to get out, between tears. Nick didn't know why he was so upset about it, seeing as he hated her so much. But she was the mother of one of his children, and he did think he loved her for a short while. Mostly, he cried for Mally, because he knew she would take this hard.

"Carolyn?" Catherine repeated, confused, as she rubbed his upper arm in support. That was out of the blue. "You mean Mally's mother?"

"Yeah." He sputtered out, wiping at his eyes and pacing a little bit. "Mally decided she wanted to find her, and so I called the New York City Ballet today, just on a whim."

"Okay, and that's what they told you?" She tried to talk calmly to settle him down, but he was still so worked up.

"A dancer who'd been there for a while said they remembered her. She was fired ten years ago after they found out she was on drugs, but they still kept in touch. She OD'd two years ago."

"Oh, Nicky, I'm so sorry." Catherine's heart broke at how upset he was. Bless his heart – even though she'd burnt him bad, Nick still genuinely cared and was concerned about Carolyn, especially since she was Mally's mother. Carolyn didn't deserve to have him, and she was actually thankful she'd disappeared. This opened up so many old wounds for Nick, but he was such a good dad, doing this for his daughter. Catherine brought him into a hug, and he cried into her shoulder like a little kid for a good few minutes.

Bailey and Aidan had been listening to their father crying from the other room, though they couldn't make out what they were saying. They'd been slowly walking their way to the kitchen, eyes wide, and looking worried. Catherine looked over Nick's shoulder to see the twins peeking around the wall. She smiled and mouthed 'hi' to them. They both waved timidly and smiled a little. Catherine motioned for them to come over, and she patted Nick on the back to get him to pull himself together.

"Daddy." They both whispered almost simultaneously, concerned about their daddy. The twins were just beginning to learn about feelings, and how people could sometimes be sad. They'd never seen their father crying before, and it was a little unsettling, but reassuring at the same time. Each twin latched on to one of his legs.

Nick's heart melted at the thought of his two youngest coming to cheer him up. They wouldn't understand; they were so young. And he didn't want to worry them with adult issues. He and Sara would have to explain death to them, and have to explain why they were all so upset, especially Mally.

"Hey guys." He smiled through his tears, wiping his eyes with his shirt sleeve.

"Daddy, why you cwyin'?" Aidan asked his father, his own eyes welling up with tears. He got very emotional when he saw that others were emotional. Nick leaned down and positioned both twins on either hip, and then grunted, standing back up again.

"Daddy's just a little upset." He told them, giving both a kiss on the cheek. "Sometimes adults get sad too."

"Are you otay now?" Bailey asked him, taking his chin into her hands and giving him quite a grown up look. She'd seen him do this with their mommy and Mally when they were upset. Nick smiled and kissed her again on the lips this time.

"I'm okay. But we'll talk later about why daddy's upset, because mommy and Mally will be upset too."

"But why?" Bailey asked, frustrated. Her little forehead crinkled with concern, not understanding what her crazy dad was talking about now.

"I'll tell you later, but I have to talk to mommy and Mally first."

Nick started walking towards the door and Catherine scooted around him to open the front door.

"Sorry to run." Nick told her, offering a small smile, with a toddler in each arm.

"That's okay. You do what you need to do." Catherine told him seriously. She knew he had a tough night ahead of him, having to tell Mally about her mother. Knowing Mally, she would be heartbroken, and she was the last kid who deserved it. It was a good thing she had such a wonderful father and step-mother.

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Mally bolted across the field when she saw her father's Denali pull up to the softball diamond. Sara was supposed to pick her up today, so it must be good news if her father came instead. Her gear in tow, she ran for the Denali at full speed, a smile plastered all over her face. Nick looked down and about started crying again at her juvenile hope and enthusiasm. He didn't want to have to break her heart, but he'd have to. Nick just needed to hold her off until they got home. He didn't want to tell her in the car.

"You found her, didn't you?" Mally beamed as she hopped into the front seat. Her little brother and sister were strapped into their booster seats in the back, sitting quietly for once.

"No, sweetheart, I'm afraid not." Nick told her for now. He knew if he said he did find her, she'd just ask more questions and the truth would come out. Damn her curiosity. Mally's face sunk and she looked down at her cleats.

"Oh." She settled in and buckled her seatbelt. "I thought since Sara didn't pick me up, you had fou…"

"Since when are you calling her Sara?" Nick about snapped as he pulled out. "You've called her 'mom' for almost two years."

"Sorry." Mally told him, and she could tell he was upset for some reason, so she decided to concentrate on the twins. She knew this was hard for her father, and he was probably upset that he hadn't found her yet. Mally turned around in her seat, sitting on her knees, and she put on an excited face for them, because they were looking sullen.

"Hey, guys!" She reached out and tickled both under their chins, causing them to giggle. Mally was going on, talking excitedly to them, and the twins told their big sister about their days. She'd been turned around for a good minute or so, when Nick had to swerve to miss hitting a cat. Mally was thrown to her right, and she had to put her hand out to stop herself from falling over, accidentally putting her weight on Nick.

"Dammit, Mally!" Nick snapped, as he corrected the car. "Would you just sit down in your seat and face forward!"

Aidan started crying at his father's raised voice, and Mally quickly turned around, a shocked and confused look on her face. What was up her dad's ass today? Nick stopped at a red light ahead.

"Sorry. You didn't have to yell. You scared Aidan." She told him. Aidan's wailing continued, making Nick feel annoyed, but sorry he had upset his son. Bailey didn't seem too affected by the outburst. Nothing seemed to affect her too much, and she just looked out the window, sucking on her fingers.

"I'm sorry. I just had a really long day. Sara got called into work, and I was making phone calls for you all day, and…"

"Go, dummy ass!" Bailey yelled from the backseat, because the light had turned green, and Mally burst out laughing. That was about the last straw for Nick, who was at the end of his rope emotionally, and he finally snapped, immediately wishing he hadn't.

"Bailey Catherine Stokes! If you say that word ever again, you're gonna get your butt spanked!" Nick boomed, and he pulled into the intersection. The car was entirely silent for a few moments, and then both twins slowly started bawling. Nick had really scared all of them now, and they didn't like seeing their beloved daddy like this one bit.

Aidan cried because of the noise and Nick's anger. He didn't feel like he was in control of the situation, or his father was. The strange feeling was very unsettling for him.

Bailey cried because Nick had practically broken his promise to her. He'd threatened to spank her, and he promised he would never to that again. So much for promises! She wailed at the feeling of betrayal, and the horrific noise coming from her father's mouth.

Mally cried softly at his outburst. Something was wrong and he wouldn't tell her. Something was terribly wrong. He'd threatened Bailey, even though he'd given his word to both her sister and Sara he'd never lay a hand on her again.

Nick started weeping silently because he'd just upset and scared his children, which is something he swore he'd never do. He'd broken his promise by threatening Bailey. He'd snapped at them for practically no reason, and let his emotions cloud his judgment. He cried for his dead ex-lover; Mally's mother. He cried because Mally would never get to meet the woman she so desperately wanted to. And he cried for himself; for letting himself deny Mally of meeting her mother when she was alive, even if she was a walking nightmare.

The rest of the trip was in silence, apart from the sounds of soft crying from all four Stokeses. You could cut the tension with a knife, and they all just wanted out of that car. They pulled into the driveway, and Mally got out quickly, opening the door behind her to get a crying Aidan. She unbuckled him and carried him inside, cradling his head gently as he cried.

"Mally, hold up!" Nick called gently, but she continued. Mally took him up to his room and laid him down.

Nick had watched his two oldest disappear into the house and sighed. He could still hear Bailey crying from the backseat and he kicked himself mentally for scaring her as he opened the door. His heart broke as he saw his daughter curled up, and she actually looked at him like she was afraid.

Nick reached out to pick her up, and she tried to squirm away from him. He dropped his arms to his sides in frustration and took a calming breath. He deserved this. She was afraid of him now, because he threatened her and broke his promise.

"Bailey, I'm not going to hurt you." Nick reassured her gently. "I promise." He said, not know if that would do the trick, but praying it would. She allowed her father to unbuckle her, but then she pushed his hands away and got out of her seat herself. Nick realized he'd brought this on himself and stood by with his hands out, ready to catch her, as she carefully hopped out the Denali. As soon as she was on the ground, she ran as fast as she could right past him and up the front door, slamming it shut the best he could.

Nick felt like crying again, and he shook his head and cradled the bridge of his nose in his fingers. When he got inside, the twins' bedroom door was closed, and he knew Mally was taking care of her siblings. Mally was such a gift to him, and he thought he would literally not be able to live if he ever lost her. If he kept pulling stuff like this, he just might, he thought to himself.

Nick crashed on the couch, putting a hand over his eyes, and drifted into a much-needed sleep. He'd fix this all when he got up.