Chapter 2: Hide and Seek
The family gathered together again at 7:00 for dinner. They were eating corn on the cob. They said grace and began to eat and talk about their day.
"Peter, how was work…before you played horseshoes?" Lois asked.
"Aw, it was great, Lois. Me and the guys caught one ton of fish," Peter said.
"A ton? That's amazing!" Lois said.
"Well, I do have to provide for my family, so it's just something I have to do," Peter said. "And just what productive thing did you do today, Lois? Did you just loaf around watching the crappy new episodes of That 70s Show?"
(Cut to scene in That 70s Show. Everyone except Kelso and Eric are in Eric's basement. "Dude…where the hell is Kelso and Foreman?" asked Steven. "I don't know," Jackie said. "If Eric's gone, then what the hell are we doing in his basement?" Fez asked. "I don't know," Jackie said. Just then, Red burst into the basement with a rifle. "You kids get the hell out of my basement!" He fired the gun, but a white flag came out that said "Bang, you're dead." "I swear, the writers who write the new episodes of this show are full of total (bleep)," Steven said. "Yeah," Donna said. "We'll probably be cancelled soon." Cut back to the Griffin house.)
"No, Peter, for your information, I did housework and cleaned after your messes. I can't believe you actually crapped all over the couch last night!" Lois exclaimed.
"My monkey ripped my bedsheets, Mom," Chris said.
"Chris, will you shut up about that stupid monkey already? It's getting on our nerves!" Meg said.
"Uh, Meg, honey, could you not say a word again? You're really getting kinda boring," Peter said.
"How was that boring!" Meg exclaimed in disgust. "All I said was…" Peter walked over to Meg and lifted her out of her seat and threw her out into the living room. She then peeked through the door. "You can't throw your daughter out!" she yelled back.
Peter picked up her dishes and handed them to her. He pointed outside. "Honey, you're going to eat in the doghouse tonight."
"What! Why?" Meg asked.
"Do I need a reason?" Peter said.
"Yes…" Meg said.
"Just get the hell out of my sight before I have to chase you with scissors again," Peter said. Meg sobbed as she went outside to eat in the doghouse.
Later that night, Chris and Stewie were watching Bad Santa on the Comedy channel. Meg then entered the house again with her plates in hand. Her eyes looked red, as though she'd been crying. "Where's Dad?" Meg asked.
"He's out on the patio drinking beers with Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire," Chris said.
Meg left briefly to put her dishes in the kitchen. She then stormed into the patio. There, she saw Peter talking with the guys. "I can't believe you made me go outside and eat in the doghouse!" Meg yelled.
The guys looked at Peter with a strange look. "What are you talking about, Meg? You must be thinking about Brian," Peter said. He then turned to the guys. "She's just going crazy. She's been this way since that time –"
Meg didn't hear the flashback Peter said, as she shut the door to the patio and ran upstairs to her room. Nothing much else happened that night. The family went upstairs and went to sleep.
Peter had planned to take the family out on a fishing trip the next day on Saturday, but unfortunately, a thunderstorm started during the night, and lots of rain poured down on the house. Thunder and lightning was also abundant.
The entire family had gathered in the living room to think of something to do. "Hmm…" Peter thought. "I know! Let's go play hide and seek! The couch is base, and whoever loses the game has to stay outside for the rest of the weekend." His eyes slowly rolled over in Meg's direction. "I'll be it," Peter said. He went to the couch and counted from 1 to 10. The others scattered out in different directions. When Peter finished counting, he began to hunt for the others.
Peter looked behind the couch, and instantly, he found Chris. Before he could tag Chris, though, Chris touched the couch. "New rule," Peter said. "Next time, don't hide by the couch. Cheater…" He then checked the rest of the living room for any family members. None were present, so he moved on to the kitchen. He heard some rustling in the cabinets below, and he opened them.
Stewie came tumbling out with a knife. "DIE, FATMAN!" he shouted. "Oh…wait…we're playing hide and seek…I might get tagged." Stewie barreled out of the kitchen and touched the couch. "In your face, father!" Stewie yelled.
Peter then checked upstairs for anyone hiding. He heard someone panting in the bathroom. He thought he knew who it was. He slowly opened the door, and he was right. Only he was horribly disgusted at what he saw. Brian was in the bathroom jacking off to a picture of a girl in a Playboy magazine. "Oh yeah…ah…man that feels good. OH…I'm about to lose it…AGH…man, I have to do this every day for the rest of my life!"
"Brian?" Peter asked suspiciously. Brian stopped jacking off and shoved his Playboy magazine behind the toilet and ran around the bathroom yelling. Peter chased Brian around, but Brian ran out and went downstairs, touching the couch. "You suck," Peter said from the stairs. "And seriously, don't let me catch you jacking off again…that's just nasty."
Peter looked right and left for anybody that might be hiding. Suddenly, he heard a noise in his bedroom. Could it be Lois or Meg? Could it be Chris's evil monkey? Peter wanted to know. He stepped inside and saw a big lump on his bed. "Oh, come on, that was TOO easy, Lois," Peter said. He threw open the bedsheets, and he saw a giant package of condoms. "Crap," he said, throwing the bedsheets back in place.
"Hey…Peter…" a nasaly voice called from the closet. Peter opened the closet door and saw Lois in a sexy black bra.
"Oh, Lois…you're hott," Peter said, stopping in his tracks. "I'm gonna get you!" he said, beginning to charge toward her. But Lois slipped underneath Peter's legs, and Peter spun around and hurried as fast as he could after Lois. She darted downstairs, touching the couch. "Ah, man, I almost had you," Peter said. "Can I still nail you later?"
"Peter, let's finish the game already," Brian said.
"Oh, right," Peter said.
Peter went back upstairs to look for Meg. This was a close game. If she made it to the couch, Peter would have to stick to his word and stay outside for the rest of the weekend. He hoped to tag her and get her out. Peter checked every square inch of the upstairs, but there was no sign of Meg. He then forgot about the attic. Peter grabbed the pull string to the attic door, and unfolded the ladder and went up. He looked around. "Anybody up here?" he asked.
"Yes…" a voice said. Peter ran over to a dark corner of the attic where the voice came from. But he was shocked when he jumped back and saw a rotten skeleton crawling with ants. "You wanted to see me?" the skeleton asked. Its jawbone even moved.
"Ahh! Ahh!" Peter yelled, starting to run from the attic.
Suddenly, there was giggling. Peter shot his head around. He saw the back of Meg's head behind some boxes. She couldn't help but laugh at the skeleton. It turned out that it was one of Stewie's old inventions that he did not get working correctly. "Meg!" Peter said. He saw her head duck underneath the boxes. "Come on out, I know you're there!" Meg didn't move. Peter walked around the boxes and spotted her. "I got you now!"
Meg then ran out of the attic, leaving Peter in the dust. "Oh-no, kid, you're going down!" Peter said, starting to gain momentum. Meg and Peter ran down the stairs. Meg looked back and got worried. Peter was right behind her now. She had to hurry if she were to make the couch. Meg was almost at the couch, when she felt the unfortunate tap of Peter's hand.
"You'rrree OUT!" Peter said, saying it like an umpire in baseball.
"W-w-wait. Can we play this again?" Meg asked.
"Nope. Sorry, honey. You're gonna have to stay outside the rest of the weekend," Peter said.
"What!" Meg yelled.
Peter slapped her hard on the cheek. "Get the fuck out of my house, bitch."
"But dad…" Meg whined.
"GET OUT OF HERE!" Peter yelled. He picked Meg up and took her into the kitchen and opened the back door. He then threw her out into the backyard. She landed headfirst onto the grass. The kitchen door slammed.
