A/N A bit of violence in this chapter, bad language and sex!



Chapter Three

I approached the two with some trepidation, trying to calm my heart, which was beating so fast I felt it would burst out of me. Alexander whispered something to my father, gave me one fleeting glance before turning on his heel and leaving. I closed my eyes for a moment to get myself under control. It was as I feared – his mother and father had done what no others could, persuaded him to give me up as a lover, very likely as a friend too. I saw that from the quick glimpse I had of his face before he left.

"Hephaestion, let's go…what happened to your hair? And your chiton is ripped…"

I stared at him unseeing, uncaring now as to whether I should cover up what the King had attempted to do to me.

"I was caught by some old fool who was drunk." I murmured. "It was nothing I couldn't handle. Father, I want to go home."

He scrutinised me carefully all the way to our home. My father was no fool and knew there was something I had not told him but he also realised I was too upset to discuss it or the Prince. Before I went to my room, however, he said something that jolted me out of my stupor.

"The Prince asked to call on us – you – tomorrow. I said he could."

To say I never got any sleep would be an over statement – actually, I slept like the dead, which surprised me. I suppose I was so stressed my body decided it needed to recuperate and shut my mind down totally – there were no dreams, either.

I ate a quick breakfast with my family and waited for Alexander to arrive. He was prompt, riding into the courtyard barely moments after I had finished breaking my fast. He greeted my parents first then asked if he and I could speak alone – my father left us in his study.

An uncomfortable silence fell then, one I had no idea how to end so I studied his face. The perfect features were hardened with concentration, the grey eyes dark, no spark of joy or pleasure at being with me as there had once been. I decided that as I was the elder, though by only half a year, I should help him by telling him I understood what he had come, finally, to tell me.

"My Prince, I am honoured you came to me today but there was no need. I understand how things now stand between us. Please let me assure you that you will always have my loyalty and obedience whenever you have need of them. I wish you…all that you desire."

He looked at me then, his head cocked to one side again, like a listening bird.

"What?" he said, his tone confused.

"Alexander – I'm saying I know you can no longer be…my lover. I understand this and can only…it was a dream, one I had no right to think would ever…"

"Don't you love me anymore?" His voice carried a hint of anger mingled with pain.

"I never said that – I love you, of course I do. But your parents see me as a threat to you and I will not be the cause of harm…"

"Oh, Phai!" And he pulled me towards him, hugging me so hard it hurt. "Do you think I am so easily dissuaded that I would give up the one thing in this world I really want, need?"

"But the letters… you left without a word!"

"I was furious, not with you, but with THEM! I left immediately so that I could tell both of them that they were to leave you alone and to learn to trust my judgement in this."

"Xander – I can't breath!" he was smaller than me but he had the strength of a bull when he wanted.

"Sorry."

We decided to go for a ride and headed out towards the countryside, talking as we rode.

"Mother was adamant that I should finish with you. Her arguments were sound to a point. She said you would be my weakness, one a king could not afford. Oh, she was good Phai! As she spoke I saw you dead in any number of ways – in battle, assassinated – then she said 'How can you trust him? He wants power, through you – how can you tell he is loyal?' That made me laugh out loud – how can I be sure of anyone in my position."

"I won't say I have no ambition, Xander, I do – for my family's honour, for my own but mostly for you."

His smile was the sun coming out to me. "That's what I told her – I know you, Hephaestion. You have my love but also my trust – are both safe?"

"Yes – always."

We rode on in companionable silence for some time, in no rush to reach anywhere except an understanding that would last the rest of our lives.

"It was my father's reaction that surprised me the most." He went on finally. I fidgeted on my horse at the mention of the King, which Aries disliked and bucked me a little.

"Oh? How so?"

"At first he was adamant that our friendship should end, that I should either marry or take an erastes, not 'throw myself at a boy my own age'. Then, last night, he came to my room and said…"

"What?" I was terrified the King had said something of what had occurred in that corridor.

"That I had been right; my choice was admirable and that he now believed you would be a man to trust and listen to when I needed objective advice. I agreed with him, but was surprised nonetheless."

So was I. What was going on? Had I misread the King so badly? I fingered the bite on my neck absentmindedly, which proved an error. My Alexander had the eyes of a hawk and he proved it then.

"Who did that to you?"

"What?"

"The bite on your neck, Hephaestion…who did it?"

I tried to think quickly but could only come up with a lame excuse. "Wasn't it you?"

"No." His voice had taken on a gravely aspect that made me look at him carefully; the eyes were almost black and his face was stone. He was jealous! Jealous of me being with someone else – how …I nearly thought 'stupid' but hastily changed it to 'dangerous'. The truth, or a version of it, would serve us both for the best here.

"It happened last night. The King invited my father and I to the palace for a banquet, as you are aware. As we were leaving, a servant asked my father to go see Parmenion. Whilst I waited a drunk tried to, well, have me – he bit me before I could successfully force him off, which I did. He won't touch me again!" The last I said with such vehemence that Alexander did not doubt it had all been against my will.

He said he was sorry that his father's court was so undisciplined and if I told him the man's name he would ensure he was appropriately punished. I had to bite my lips to stop myself from letting out a bitter laugh at that – what was 'appropriate' punishment for an over lusty king who was your father? I doubt even Alexander would know the answer to that.

"It's of no importance, Xander. The man knew he had made a mistake and looked a fool in my eyes. It's enough."

"That is not enough for anyone who hurts you – it never will be." I barely caught what he said; it was as if he was making himself a promise for the future.

Ironically enough, he turned out to be the one person who hurt me the most

School finished for us when Athens and Thebes formed a coalition against Philip and decided to attack. The King pulled us all from Meiza – we were eighteen that year, adults and ready to take our places in the army. Some were more eager for it than others: Alexander and Cassander seemed to be vying for who would be the fiercest in battle and the most courageous. What did they have to prove to each other that they hadn't already done?

I was not so eager but just as determined to be a true Macedonian warrior, more for my family and Alexander than myself, though, if I speak truly, the idea of being a 'hero' appealed to my arrogance and vanity. We were given that chance when the King decided on a pre-emptive strike and took our army down before the Coalition forces could come to us and pick a battleground of their choosing. Philip met them at Chaeronea.

As we 'school boys' had not really been in a full scale campaign (Thrace didn't count) we were slotted into existing companies – Alexander made sure I was part of the cavalry squadron he was leading, along with Ptolemy and Cassander. This did not mean we would be staying with the cavalry; most officers were expected to spend a certain time with the infantry so as to understand how they fought and, more importantly, how to use them effectively in battle. But for this first campaign it was more a question of filling the ranks with bodies. Ptolemy, Cassander and myself had proven ourselves more than simply good horsemen so the king agreed to our placement.

What we did not expect was to find ourselves up against the most formidable fighting force of the day – the Sacred Band of Thebes, three hundred men made up of pairs of sworn lovers. Alexander, when he found out, was overjoyed!

"Alexander – these are the best fighters in Greece!" I reminded him unnecessarily.

"Precisely, Phai. What better challenge could I have? If I can beat them I will be able to show not only my father and the army what I'm capable of but the whole of Greece. It will be a feat to rival that of Achilles."

Ah, Achilles – I might have known. I loved Homer and would read the Iliad for hours without tiring of it but I was never so enamoured that I wanted to live it for real. Or is that the man I am now talking? Possibly. But Alexander truly wished to rival his ancestor Achilles – in war and in love. When he had decided on this I cannot say but I believe now that his love for me was prompted by his need to have a Patroclus as much as for me, myself. He loves me I know, but the myth is always there. To him it is a challenge, to me, more and more, a burden. I cannot always live up to his expectation of what 'his' Patroclus should be; the fight with Craterus and its aftermath sprang mostly from Alexander's disappointment in me as the alter ego of the ancient hero. Sometimes he forgot I was a mere human, with all the faults that could contain: I tried to be as he wanted but I was myself – flawed, ambitious, with my own needs and wishes that I could not and would not always subsume to his greater dream. They were more prosaic and routed in reality – prove myself to others; become a useful and loyal subject to my King; have a family; always be there when Alexander needed me, not just as a colleague but as a friend and lover. And never do anything that would tarnish or dishonour that love. Hardly myth making.

It was also at Chaeronea that Alexander showed the first sign of an aspect in our relationship that caused more arguments between us than anything else. His incessant need to ensure I would be 'safe' within the bounds of my honour and pride of course. It was these 'bounds' we fought over.

As I have mentioned during our sojourn in Thrace he had asked my opinion on the founding of his first Alexandria and I had gotten involved with enthusiasm – to found and build a city, to me, was an act of creation beyond most others; it was giving a livelihood yes but also an identity to the people who would live there. In my hands, over many years, such places were given the comfort and necessities of survival for thousands of people – it is the one thing I am justly proud of. Oh, Craterus could plan a battle campaign better than I could and place the men in the best order of combat without thinking about it too much as I would. But what was left once that campaign that battle was over? Wounded and carrion. Perhaps I will not go into the histories as a great warrior but I pray to the gods our cities will outlast any memory of me, if not that of Alexander.

Alexander's greatest aspect as a leader was his ability to recognise a person's capability and use them to the best for both him and themselves. Eumenes was excellent, as I have said, as a secretary and organiser; Craterus and Cleitus for leading men and charges in battle; Ptolemy for sagacity and Nearchus for his love of the ocean. Mine was logistics and diplomacy, which Alexander was grateful for in other ways than simply getting supplies when he needed them or talking to a potential enemy and making them an ally. It meant he always had a perfect excuse to keep me away from a battlefield whenever he could manage it. He wasn't fooling me one bit. What he was doing was giving my rivals an 'unrivalled' reason for denigrating me at every chance they could get. So started my fight to be allowed to prove myself on my own terms and not his.

At Chaeronea I fought with the Companion Cavalry as a trooper, positioned far back in the wedge formation when we initially charged. Once we struck though, it was every man for himself and I moved up to cover Alexander as soon as I could. This was for many reasons; not least that he was my commanding officer and knew instinctively what he was doing. My main concern, as his friend and lover, was his worrying habit of concentrating on his goal and not noticing what was going on in his immediate environ – this left him wide open and I decided it was my duty to plug that gap.

I also noticed the number of times he was looking back to see how I was doing and it was during one of these 'lapses' of concentration that he was nearly speared from behind by a member of the Sacred Band. Without conscious thought guiding my arm I raised my sword and slashed down into the man's shoulder, forcing him to drop the weapon, then my next swing bit deep into his neck. Alexander swung Buchephalus about by forcing the animal up onto his hind legs and jerking the bit viciously to the left. I did not realise his reason until I felt a thud on my own horse's flank as he speared a man coming to attack me from behind.

"Close." Was all we had time to mutter at each other before we were engaged again in blood and death.

Philip had a total victory. The opposing army was either running or dead; only the Band kept their station, fighting with a determination that was almost unnerving to me, no matter how many times they were called upon to lay down their arms. Only when over two hundred and fifty of them lay dead and the remainder severely wounded and their only view of the rest of the Athenian army being their collective heels, did they submit and the battle was finally over.

The destruction of the Sacred Band was the one incident that has always stayed in my memory and that I have never ceased to regret. Alexander feels the same. These men were such superb fighters, so committed and loyal that we could have used them in the Asian campaign with great affect. But it was not to be – they passed into Myth. The King ordered a communal burial pit for them, set aside in a place of honour. Before we left Greece, Alexander and I revisited the battlefield, perhaps to ask their blessing on our enterprise and our love – they would have understood both. Above their tomb stands a huge lion, ordered by Philip who had spent years of exile in Thebes and knew some of these men personally, guardian of their honour and to remind the ages of their bravery.

The night of the battle the King called for a komos, much to the Prince's disgust, but we had to attend or else offend the King – I would have preferred some private time with my friend, then a good nights sleep. For once I drank more than Alexander but was not so far in the grip of Dionysus that I missed him leaving the komos on his own. I could not follow immediately as I wanted as I found myself at that moment in a bear hug by a very inebriated Cleitus.

"Well, my little Athenian – now do you see the difference between a Macedonian and a philosopher? You only see the latter's arses."

He found his wit very amusing evidently as he laughed loudly but I was too busy concentrating on staying on my feet and keeping the Prince in view to see where he was heading to mind Cleitus. This he did not like so drew my attention back to himself by grabbing my chin in his huge hand, forcing me to face him and then kissed me – not a gentle drunken one either but brutal and demanding. I fought off his invading tongue and hand under my clothing and stamped down hard on his foot but it was no good; he was insistent and much stronger than me, being a grown man of thirty summers to my barely eighteen. Years of soldiering had given him powerful muscles and hands I had seen once crush a puppy's skull as if it were no more than an eggshell. Finally breaking through it felt like my mouth was full of a ravening snake, so different from the gentle probing of Alexander. Cleitus was not trying to be considerate, he was showing me how he felt about Athenians and a young cub that had displaced him from his rightful place with the heir to the throne. What surprised, and frightened me too, was though I understood exactly why he was doing it, his touch was arousing me – and he knew it.

At that moment Ptolemy collided with us, whether by accident or deliberately I was never able to find out, and we all landed in a heap on the floor. Taking my chance as he had been forced to release me, I scrambled to my feet, perfectly sober, and ran out of the knot of dancing and carousing officers, pushing my way through equally drunken troops and then the guards. I knew where Alexander had gone and made straight for him.

He was sitting near the bodies of the Sacred Band, which had been laid out in orderly rows ready for burial on the morrow, staring ahead but not seeing what was before him, communing with his daemon. In moments such as these he was as far away from me in mind as he was physically near. It left me feeling very much alone. But it was a part of who he was and as such I had to accept it if I was to remain with him.

Kneeling down beside him I placed a hand on his knee, to let him know I was there, and waited. My own mind was going over the day's events and the shock was settling in finally; Alexander had come close to being killed, as had I. It was another thing I had to accept if I was to be his friend. In this quiet time by the bodies of the fallen I settled all this in my mind; he would be king, a great general and would always place himself in front of his troops, leading from the front – it was what they loved about him, what I did too. Watching his face I buried within myself the fear he would be killed and promised both him and myself that I would live each day for itself and for him without questioning the why or the wherefore or what might happen. It would be a constant burden to bear and my only release would be death but I accepted that as I sat beside him, waiting for him to return to me.

A sigh as deep as the sea shook his frame and then his eyes looked down into mine and smiled. He pushed a stray lock of hair away from my face and then studied me as intently as he had the sky before. I said nothing merely offering myself quietly to his inspection.

"My Hephaestion." He sighed quietly. "I nearly lost you today…"

"And I you. That's what it is to be a soldier. They knew that too." I indicated the Band with a slight motion of my head.

"Yes. But knowing a thing is not the same as coming face to face with its reality. I know now I will never be able to accept your death with such equanimity. You mean too much to me, Phai. You're my sanity, my rock, part of my very being."

This was going in a direction that disconcerted me greatly. Soon he would be saying I was not to fight at his side and I couldn't allow that – I had to be, not for honour but to watch over him. That was my responsibility, given to me by my love for him and by the gods perhaps.

"Alexander. I love you. You're my king in all things, especially my heart. But you have to let me fulfil my own destiny – which is to serve and protect you."

"Protect?" he smiled down at me. "Am I so incapable of defending myself?"

"No. You fight like a demon. It's just that you…concentrate on the goal and only see how to achieve that and leave yourself wide open for attack from other directions."

"Conquer the heart of the problem and you win the fight."

"Alexander! To the enemy you are the heart of their problem. Kill you and…"

"The Macedonian army will still fight! But I accept your point. That's why there's a Royal Bodyguard within the Companions."

"Exactly."

"I can't risk you, don't you understand that?"

Standing up abruptly I brushed off his hand and glared down at him. "Then my Prince I may as well as join the women!"

"Oh, don't be silly."

"Silly? SILLY! You say you love me but you want to dishonour me by wrapping me up and keeping me somewhere safe! Did any of these men around us do that to their lover? Did Achilles to Patroclus?" That was my last resort and it usually worked.

It was Alexander's turn to stand up, equally angry as I could tell by his fists clenching at his sides.

"You're deliberately twisting what I'm saying. And don't bring Achilles into this – or do you forget it was his fault that Patroclus died?"

Ah – that was it, I thought. Always the myth. How much did he ever consider me as Hephaestion and how much as his 'Patroclus'?

"I'm not fucking Patroclus! I'm me, Hephaestion Amyntoros – flesh and blood, not a myth. Do you ever remember that?"

I stormed off in the opposite direction to the camp, not even thinking if it was safe or whether any of the enemy were still lurking around. Behind me I could hear Alexander following but I didn't slow down one bit until I felt him grab my arm and jerk me round to face him with such force I lost my balance and fell on my back. Taking advantage of that he landed on top of me, pinning me down.

"Of course I know who you are! Don't you realise that if you die I'll go insane – nothing will stop me from following you to Hades as soon as I can."

"Touching!" I sneered. "Can you wait until it happens before deciding on killing yourself?"

We glared at each other, fighting without blows, trying to let the other know how much we cared and how much we needed the other to understand why we were having this argument. A thought then came to me.

"The Band all took an oath Alexander, to do nothing that would dishonour their lover or the rest of the group; they fought together and were ready to die together as we saw today. I am ready to do the same – or are you less than that?"

Grey eyes fought mine in a furious battle of wills but slowly I saw them lighten with reason and finally submission.

"No, Hephaestion. I'm not. We will fight side by side, watching the other – but – don't get yourself killed, eh?"

"I can't promise that, my love, but I will promise to do the best I can to stay alive for you – and for me."

I smiled up at him and pushed a little to ask him to let me up but he never moved a muscle, simply continuing to stare down at me. Well, I had gotten what I wanted, a submission from him to let me continue at his side; it was clearly right that I should give him something in return, a submission of my own. I had only one thing I could give to him at that moment; a sacrifice to the fallen Band as well as to my Prince.

"Alexander – we should make a sacrifice, a confirmation of our oath's to each other, here, before the Band. It will be a way of showing their spirits we understand them and share their ideals."

He nodded. "How do we do that, my Phai?"

"Take me."

I heard his sharp intake of breath above me in the dark and knew what was going through his mind – I was no servant, or young boy but the same age and a nobleman's son.

"Are you sure, Phai? It's not what they do in Athens and I…"

"Do you want me?" I asked him quietly.

"Yes. Yes I do."

"We love each other Alexander; this is not a question of submission or dominance. We're equals in this, if not rank. It's the only way I can show you my love and loyalty by placing my body and my honour at your…command."

"Then, Hephaestion Amyntoros, I accept both into my keeping."

We had done nothing like this before, having kept to the 'norm' as we understood it; neither of us had attempted penetrating the other but I know I had certainly considered it. Kissing each other then we had become as shy as the first time we had ever made love; I could feel how his hands were shaking even as they caressed my body and removed my chiton.

"Are you sure?" he asked again, once we were both naked.

"Yes. Besides, the way I keep getting groped by every man at court I'd like to lose my virginity to someone of my own choosing."

"Who in Hades has been doing that now?"

"Cleitus – just before I came to find you. It would seem I'm quite attractive."

"You're beautiful – Cleitus?"

I laughed at the fury in his voice and kissed him to shut him up. He returned the kiss with an ardour that took my breath away. His hands stroked and caressed as his lips moved over me and nipped and bit wherever he felt like, whilst I reciprocated in like manner. I don't know if I ever gave much thought to what it would feel like but I was so far gone by the time he breached me that the sharp pain only drove me on the more. Neither of us were virgins where girls were concerned so once I had adjusted myself to his not inconsiderable length within me instinct took over. Suddenly he pushed against something deep inside me and my head felt it had exploded; such a sensation of pleasure hit me that I couldn't help but cry out and arch into his thrust.

"Oh, gods, Alexander – do that again!" It took awhile for him to find the right angle to hit the spot but once he did he never lost it again and we both came very soon after. He collapsed on top of me and I could feel him shaking as much as I was in the aftershocks. Pulling out of me we lay in each other's arms for awhile, our heart beats steadily slowing back to normal; I could even hear the komos in the distance now. A pleasant drowsiness started to creep over me when Alexander lifted my face and kissed me.

"Your turn now." He said.

"No! You are my Prince…"

"Phai – we are not Prince or subject but lovers. For tonight, this sacrifice has to be complete; we will both give everything to each other. Besides – after your reaction I want to find out how it felt. And you should feel what I did."

I didn't argue any further. My tiredness soon evaporated as our need for each other rekindled; he was so beautiful to me, the light from the moon catching the golden tints in his mane of light bronze hair; the feel of smooth skin over hard muscles and the taste of our combined sweat and heat made me want him so much I forgot that he was the son of a king but merely a lovely young man I was so much in love with. Pushing inside him he cried out much as I did so I stopped long enough for him to adjust to me before I started to thrust slowly at first then picking up speed at his urgent urging. It was nothing like it had been with the girl I had had – tight and hot, I found the small nub within him and rubbed against it as hard as I could and every time I did his ass muscles contracted about me, squeezing my cock till it was driving me crazy. I came in a cry that echoed through the night. Alexander had come too, coating our chests with his seed to mingle with my own from before.

We lay there saying nothing but expressing our happiness with small caresses and kisses until we began to feel chilled from the cooling sweat and cum on our bodies. Getting up we slipped quickly into the river and cleaned ourselves before putting on our chitons and headed quietly back to the camp. I was sharing a tent with Ptolemy and Leonnatus, Alexander with his father but we didn't want to part that night so we ended up in my bed, curling up under the furs and fell asleep immediately in each other's arms.

TBC