Disclaimer: I own nothing.
This is a parody of all those clichéd Draco/Hermione fics. No offence to anyone.
Hermione Granger suddenly decided she needed a makeover because the author decided that Draco Malfoy was going to fall in love with her. So, Hermione gets this huge makeover and suddenly goes from a bushy-haired freak to a slender, curvaceous beauty queen, with "her long brown hair falling in soft curls behind her back". She rolled out of her bed and suddenly an owl swooped in and knocked her to the floor. " Watch it" she muttered and then remembered that she had to be happy and cheerful. "Watch it!" she said happily. She opened the letter from Hogwarts and found out that she had been made Head Girl. Ya, whatever, she thought, I always knew it would be me. No, the author and all the fans reminded her, you're supposed to jump around the bed and go "yay!" Draco Malfoy is the one who is supposed to be arrogant, not you! "Oh ya," said Hermione.
The author cannot be bothered to write what Hermione does for the rest of her holidays so she just skips ahead to September 1st, as everyone boards the Hogwarts express. Hermione runs to Harry and Ron and suddenly realizes that they are both HOTT (author decides to put in the double "T" for extra effect.) and they don't even recognize her. "It's me you morons," she says finally. "Oh, " chant Harry and Ron, since the author has decided to turn them into mindless muscle-machines to keep them out of the way of Hermione and Draco's fiery, angsty relationship that is yet to happen in later chapters. Hermione climbs on the Hogwarts Express and notices that Ron has the Head Boy badge. "Hey Ron, " she says, "How come you got Head Boy?"
"Huh? I dunno" replies Ron brainlessly.
Suddenly the Badge disappears right off Ron's chest and Draco Malfoy, in all his Sex God glory, enters the room. "What are you doing here?" asks Harry, a disturbed adolescent, who has no time for love, so that he doesn't stop Hermione from loving Draco.
"I'm supposed to take Hermione to the Head's carriage remember? So no one will witness our forbidden kiss?"
"Right," says Hermione, "Let's go."
Once they get there, Draco smirks. And smirks. And smirks. And smirks. And smirks.
"Will you stop doing that? It's freaking me out," says Hermione.
"It's supposed to make you think I'm sexy." States Draco without further ado.
"Right," says Hermione, "Come to me, sexy ferret."
Silence Crickets chirp. Chirp. Chirp.
Draco heads outside for a minute to wash and comb his sexy blond hair, so that the author can describe it a "soft and silky". "There," he says, "Now, we can kiss."
"You're not supposed to say that" reprimands Hermione, "I'm just supposed to be attracted to you."
They lean in, Hermione staring into Draco's gray eyes…
Suddenly, the author remember that they should NOT snog, until at least the third chapter, so, forgetting how long it actually takes to get to Hogwarts, the author ends the train ride. Draco turns his blue eyes away. Apparently the author does not seem to remember that she just mentioned his eyes were gray. The author, by this point, is drooling over an imaginary character.
"'Mione, over here!" call Harry and Ron, using a nickname for her that has not been mentioned once, in the six books that have been written about Harry Potter. Hermione doesn't hear them because she is too busy being angsty and troubled about her feelings for Draco. Not looking where she is going, she trips over a vase and breaks her head. That was NOT supposed to be part of this story……..
