CHAPTER 11: PATIENCE
Two weeks later
The Boot Room
Anna shook her head. "I don't know what to tell you, Thomas. I've never known John to be so stubborn. He'll come around, but you're going to have to be patient." Anna was sad to watch the fledgling friendship between Thomas and her husband crumble. She loved her husband, but she wanted to give him a good shaking. She knew better than to push him. All she could do was give him the time he needed to see sense.
"Don't make more of it than it is," replied Thomas. "I've managed for many years without the friendship of Mr John Bates. It's of no consequence to me."
"You're losing your touch, Thomas. I'm not convinced."
Thomas smiled ruefully. "You know me too well, Anna."
Thomas returned Lady Mary's favourite shoes to Anna. "Here you are, good as new." It had become his pleasure to do sundry tasks for Anna. It made him feel included, somehow, in her excitement about the baby. Each day, he looked forward to her arrival so he could try to detect a change in her and her small belly. And each day, he was convinced that her face was lovelier than the day before.
Anna smiled. "You're a marvel. They really do look like new shoes!" Anna could see the effort it took for Thomas to return her smile. "Be patient, Thomas. All things come to those who wait," she quoted.
"Well then, I'm going to be a rich man someday."
Monday morning, the following week
The Servants' Hall
Thomas did not want to leave Downton, but now that he had a new position as butler for Sir Mark Stiles, it was going to be a relief to escape Bates. Gone was the man who had nursed him and held him and advised him and teased him and called him little brother, and the loss was too much for Thomas. He asked Carson at breakfast if he could leave on Sunday as Lady Stiles had requested, and Carson approved.
Bates spoke to Thomas for the first time since their overindulgence. "Downton Abbey without Mr Barrow ..."
Anna cut him off. "Don't be ungenerous." And that was the end of it. Thomas had no choice but to move forward.
That night
The Bates Cottage
Bates stepped into the cottage and noted Anna's packed suitcase by the door. Each day he hoped it would be unpacked and put away, but each day it remained as a monument to his weakness.
Tonight, Anna had arrived home before him and made a light supper from their Sunday dinner leftovers. After Bates had eaten, Anna sat in his lap and leaned back against his chest. "Who is this fat woman?" he teased. He began to pull out the pins that held Anna's hair in place so it would spill onto her shoulders. It was a night-time privilege he particularly enjoyed.
"John, I want to talk about Thomas."
Bates sighed. "Must we?"
"Are you forbidding it, Mr Bates?"
Bates chuckled. "I know better than to try to forbid you from doing anything."
"Then will you hear me out?"
"I'm listening." Bates fingered Anna's hair while she spoke.
"I'm worried about him, John. He'll be leaving Downton on Sunday, and I'm concerned about what he might do if he gets too lonely."
Bates' face clouded. He turned Anna to face him. "What do you mean, Anna?"
"You know what I mean. I'm afraid he'll try to take his life."
"He promised me he would never do that again."
Anna eased herself back into position against Bates' chest. "Perhaps he doesn't feel held by that promise. You've made it clear to him that you're no longer friends."
Bates put his arms around Anna and rested his hands on her belly. "Anna, you weren't there that night. You don't know what happened."
"Yes, I do, John. He sat in this very chair and told me everything while you were sleeping it off."
Bates had not known. "Did he tell you that he broke my cane? It's only luck that he chose to attack the cradle with it and not my head."
"No. He didn't tell me. He must have forgotten."
"How convenient! And I suppose it was his convenience to forget to tell you that he tried to kill me."
The angrier Bates became at the memory of it all, the more gently Anna spoke. "You're wrong, John. He did tell me. He was so horrified by what he had done, he could barely speak, but he told me."
"He should have been horrified! Would you have me feel sorry for him now?"
Anna placed her hands over John's. "You got the man drunk, John, what was it, only three weeks after he attempted suicide? He overindulged that night only because he wanted to please you. Now you're angry because of the consequences. Is that fair?"
Anna waited patiently while Bates turned over her words in his mind. At last he asked, "What is it you want me to do?"
"Say goodbye to him before you leave with Lord Grantham tomorrow. Say anything you like, only don't let him leave Downton with no hope. You have no idea how much your friendship means to him."
"If it will make you happy, my darling."
Tuesday morning
In Front of the Abbey
Thomas checked one last time to make certain everything had been loaded for the family's trip to Brancaster Castle. Baxter bade him goodbye and surprised him with a peck on the cheek, which both embarrassed and pleased him.
Thomas turned from Baxter, and there was Bates. Thomas forced himself to remain calm. "What do you say, Mr Bates?"
"I say, I'd rather we part as friends than enemies." Bates' eyes crinkled in that way Thomas found irresistible. He extended his hand, and Thomas shook it firmly. Then Thomas walked away quickly, or he would not have been able to walk away at all.
Lord and Lady Grantham made their goodbyes too, and Lord Grantham shook Thomas' hand, which surprised Thomas. How kind everyone was now that he was leaving. Perhaps he should make a career of leaving.
Thomas drove himself to distraction for the rest of the day dissecting Bates' goodbye. He wondered if Anna had put him up to it, or if Bates truly wanted to be friends again. He decided not to ask Anna. He wanted to believe what he wanted to believe.
Tuesday afternoon
The Servants' Hall
Moving forward meant that Thomas must tackle the business of making amends. Thomas made a list of all the people whom he had wronged, or at least the ones he could remember. It was a shamefully long list. Thomas was not certain that his mum intended for him to make amends to all of them. He asked Anna for help when he found her alone in the Servants' Hall attending to her mending. It was a peculiar task, but Anna took it seriously.
"I think you may cross Lord Grantham off the list. Isis was found safe and sound, so no harm was done. O'Brien. Would you even know how to contact her?" Thomas shook his head. "I suspect she paid you back tit for tat while she was here." Thomas smirked. "That doesn't get you off the hook, mind you," she scolded, "but I think it's safe to cross her off."
"What about Daisy? I asked her to lie for me."
"No, Thomas, the whole idea of you making amends to Daisy would make her uncomfortable. But you should apologize to her before you leave."
Thomas nodded. "Gwen? I mean Mrs Harding?"
Anna laughed. "That whole business backfired on you, didn't it? Once you told the family that Gwen used to work here, they were impressed with her."
"Well," Thomas conceded, "her accomplishments were impressive."
"Cross her off."
"What about Stowell?"
Anna's face was blank. "Who?"
"Lord Sinderby's butler. And Lord Sinderby, for that matter."
Anna frowned. "Cross them off! They should be making amends to you!"
Thomas smiled. "You should have been a barrister."
Anna laughed and reviewed the final list. "You will apologize to Daisy and speak to Lady Mary, Mr Branson, and Mr Carson about making amends. Yes?"
Thomas was ready. "Yes."
Wednesday
The Kitchen
Thomas was forced to speak to Daisy Mason in front of Mrs Patmore or not at all.
"Daisy, now that I'm leaving Downton, I want to set things right between us. I want to apologize for that time I asked you to lie to Mr Carson about Mr Bates and the wine. Do you remember?"
Daisy was busy kneading dough for Chelsea buns. "I can't believe you're worried about something that happened when we were children. You should be worried about more important things. You should be worried about the miners. Will there be a general strike when the subsidy ends? Should we strike in sympathy? That's where your worries should be."
"I wasn't exactly a child then, Daisy. I'm a few years older than you. I knew better."
Mrs Patmore was impatient. "Stop footling about, Daisy. Put the man out of his misery and accept his apology."
Daisy continued to knead. "I accept your apology, Mr Barrow. I don't want anyone to be miserable on my account when we're all going to be miserable on Mr Churchill's account."
Thursday
The Library
Anna had arranged for Thomas to meet with Lady Mary Talbot.
"You have a friend in Anna. I hope you appreciate it, Barrow."
"Yes, milady. I count myself fortunate indeed," replied Thomas.
Lady Mary regarded Thomas. She felt an odd connection to him. They were both attractive, clever people. They both did not suffer fools. And they both had a tendency to get in their own ways. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, Barrow. I recently made amends of my own, and I can say it will do you a world of good."
"That's my hope, milady."
"Grant you, I can't imagine what you ever could have done to me that requires this conversation. I suppose it's vanity that makes me believe I'd been too clever for you. Go on. I'm on tenterhooks."
Thomas took a deep breath. "Do you remember Mr Pamuk?"
Lady Mary raised her eyebrows. "Yes, I remember him."
"I was assigned as his valet during his visit, milady. If you recall, Mr Pamuk was an attractive man. While I was helping him dress for dinner, I misunderstood him."
"Misunderstood?"
"Yes, milady. I misunderstood what it was he wanted from me." Thomas looked at the floor. "I made advances, milady."
"Crikey."
"Yes, milady. Crikey. Mr Pamuk could have ruined me. He promised his silence in exchange for a visit to your room. I'm ashamed to say, milady, that I complied. I didn't know what else to do."
There was a moment of terrifying silence. Thomas felt a wave of panic. "Are you going to telephone the police, milady?"
"Heavens no. Tell me, Barrow, have you ever told anyone that Mr Pamuk visited my room?"
"I told Miss O'Brien whom I believe did not repeat it, and I wrote to a former friend of mine who was Lord Savident's valet, but I said only that ... that you were no better than you ought to be. I gave him no details. I would like to say that chivalry kept me silent, but the truth is, it was never useful to me to mention it. But I give you my word now that I will never speak of it again. Are you able to accept my word, milady?"
"Yes, Barrow, of course. What an odd thing to ask."
Thomas tried to smile. "Does Your Ladyship know what you want from me in the way of making amends?"
"Forgive me, Barrow, but I don't want to be casual about this. You'll have to be patient and give me time to consider."
"Yes, milady." Why was everyone insisting on patience?
Friday
The Agent's Office
Thomas tentatively opened the door to the agent's office. "I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr Branson. May I speak with you for a moment?"
Tom Branson looked up from his desk. Thomas was the last person he expected to see that sunny morning. "Come in, Barrow."
"I'll be leaving Sunday for my new position, and I'm trying to tie up some loose ends before I go."
Tom leaned back in his chair. "Am I a loose end?"
"In a manner of speaking, sir."
Tom considered the man standing awkwardly before him. "You don't like me, Barrow, do you?"
Thomas was surprised by the question. "I don't dislike you, sir ... exactly. I've been too jealous of you to find out if I liked you or not."
Tom laughed. "That's honest anyway. Well, Barrow, if our situations had been reversed, knowing who I was back then, I would have thought you were a rotter ... an opportunist ... a fortune hunter ... a lucky bastard not worthy of my time or respect. Does that about cover it?" Thomas nodded and could not help but smile.
"Have a seat, Barrow." Thomas sat. "So, what is this loose end?"
"I've done you a disservice, Mr Branson, and I want to make it right."
"What disservice is that?"
"I told Lord Grantham about that time you brought Miss Bunting upstairs."
Tom let out his breath. "Oh that. Lord Grantham told me."
"The thing is, Mr Branson, I was upstairs when you arrived, and I listened to your conversation. I knew very well that Miss Bunting went upstairs only to see the view. I knew that nothing improper had happened, but I led Lord Grantham to believe otherwise."
Tom frowned. "I see. And am I supposed to forgive you now so you can be on your merry way with a clear conscience?"
"No sir. I want to know what I can do to make it up to you."
"And why would you want to do that?"
"It's a promise I made to myself, sir, after I ... cut..."
"Oh, yes, of course. Well, there's no need to get into that."
"I've had this conversation about setting things right with others, sir, but there's another reason in your case."
Tom's curiosity was piqued. "And what reason is that?"
"I owe it to Lady Sybil."
"Do you?"
"Yes sir. You see, we worked together at the hospital during the war, and I admired her a great deal. So many of the other nurses were there to snag husbands or find adventure. Lady Sybil wanted nothing more than to be of service. She gave her all to the soldiers, and when she was exhausted, she managed to give even more. She was always kind to me, and I could see she thought the world of you. When you married, I promised myself that I would treat you as a member of her family out of respect for her, but I allowed my jealousy to get the better of me."
Tom gazed at Thomas. Then he spoke quietly. "Lady Sybil spoke to me about you, Barrow."
Thomas was surprised. "Did she?"
Tom nodded. "It was after that blinded soldier shot himself. Lady Sybil said it was a shame after you had brought him so far along. She said you gave your free time to help him. She said you were a generous soul."
Thomas was shocked. "She truly didn't know me, sir."
Tom smiled. "Barrow, you owe me nothing. Your memory of Lady Sybil satisfies all debts."
Saturday
Mr Carson's Pantry
Thomas knew this would be his last time knocking on Carson's door. "Excuse me, Mr Carson. I'll be leaving tomorrow morning, and I hoped to have a word with you."
Carson was in the middle of reviewing the inventory Thomas had taken the day before. "What can I do for you, Mr Barrow," he asked without looking up.
Thomas closed the door behind him. "I would like to clear up an injustice before I go."
Carson looked up sharply. "How have we offended you this time, Mr Barrow?" he demanded.
"You misunderstand me, Mr Carson. It is I who have offended you."
"You surprise me, Mr Barrow. Sit down then. I'm all ears."
Thomas sat. "You see, Mr Carson, I was quite young when you hired me, not that being young was an excuse. I may have had a bit of polish on the outside, but I was nothing more than a thug."
"I see."
Thomas had not expected this conversation to be his most difficult. He struggled to keep his composure. "I stole wine. I lied. I accused Mr Bates of my own crime. I..."
"I get the general idea, Mr Barrow." Carson tapped his desk. "That was a long time ago. We've all come a long way since then. Why are you telling me this now?"
"Because I want to make it up to you. You've been generous to me, Mr Carson. More generous than I have deserved."
Carson cleared his throat. "Not always generous, Mr Barrow. We had some idea of your character back then. You were about to be sacked when you left for the war."
"I didn't know. Still you took me back and kept me on, even after that business with James." Thomas spoke earnestly. "Mr Carson, earning your respect is important to me. I need to wipe the slate clean. There must be something I can do for you now."
Carson stood, so Thomas stood as well. "Make me proud in your new position, Mr Barrow. Reflect well on this house and on me. That's all I ask of you. That's all I need."
Late at night, a few days later
The Bates Cottage
Bates was happy to be back home. He saw Anna's suitcase at-the-ready by the door as usual. He gave it a little kick as he always did when Anna was not in the room. He found Anna asleep in the bedroom. A few minutes after he slipped into bed, she rolled over and grinned. "I felt the baby kick."
"Did you?"
Anna took Bates' hand and placed it on her belly, and they waited.
"I felt it! There, again! Oh, Anna! We're going to be parents, truly."
Anna cuddled up to Bates. "I'll have to write Thomas, and tell him the baby kicked. He'll be so excited."
"I said goodbye to him, Anna, before I left for Brancaster Castle. Have you heard from him yet?"
"Yes, he wrote after his first day of work. It's a dull situation for him. There's only a cook, a maid, and Thomas. Sir Mark and his wife are an older couple who rarely entertain."
"But do you think he'll be stable?"
"I hope so. I miss him. He's been so sweet and thoughtful about the baby."
"Anna?"
"Yes?" Bates did not answer. "What is it, John?"
"Anna, do you know what it means to black out?"
"Of course, silly. It means to faint, doesn't it?"
Bates sighed. "Not exactly. When someone falls asleep or passes out after heavy drinking and then can't remember a block of time while they were drunk, that's a blackout."
"Oh."
"Anna, that night Thomas and I got drunk, I blacked out. I can remember Thomas gobbling pickled eggs. I can remember having a couple of pints to his one. I can remember thinking that made me more of a man somehow."
"Oh, John!"
"I know, but that's what I was thinking. I can remember singing, but I don't remember where. Then I can't remember anything at all until Thomas broke my cane and choked me. That's a blackout."
"Was that the first time?"
"No." Anna could hear the tightness in Bates' voice. "I blacked out regularly before I came to Downton. I'm so ashamed, Anna. How could I have been so foolish as to think it couldn't happen now?"
Anna kissed Bates' cheek. "I believe that's a mistake you'll never repeat. There's no point in agonizing over it now."
"Anna, please repeat what Thomas told you about that night. What made him so angry?"
Anna repeated Thomas' account of the night. Bates was devastated when she repeated his words to Thomas, If you were a real man.
"He must know I didn't mean it that way!"
"I'm sorry, John, but he thinks because you were drunk that you were saying what you really felt."
"But that's not what I feel. What do I do now, Anna? How do I make him believe me?"
Anna kissed Bates again. She felt that her kind-hearted husband had been restored to her. "I don't know, John. Perhaps Thomas isn't the only one who needs to make amends."
"Perhaps not."
Late at night, the day after Christmas
Thomas Barrow's Room
The Estate of Sir Mark Stiles
Thomas sat on his bed and opened the letter he had received that morning from Bates. Anna had written him often, but this was his first letter from Bates. He had kept it in his pocket all day waiting for the privacy of his room before opening it. The letter was short.
Dear Thomas,
I don't deny the words I said while I was drunk. I do deny their meaning because I was drunk.
John
Thomas turned over the letter, but the other side was blank. He looked in the envelope for a second page but the envelope was empty. He reread the message but did not understand it. Was it an apology? Was it an attack? He read it again, trying to decipher its meaning. He folded the letter, put it back in the envelope, and put the envelope in his top drawer.
Thomas looked at the little bottle of olive oil that Bates had left him and the talc brush he had purchased because Bates recommended it. He picked up his can of talc and tapped a little into his hand. He picked up the powder with the brush, turned his hand over, and brushed the powder over the back of his hand. He watched as a couple of tears fell onto his hand, seized up in the talc, and rolled off.
If only he could hold on until New Year's Eve. Lady Stiles had promised him he could have the time off to attend Lady Edith's wedding. He had been looking forward to it for weeks. Now all he needed was a reason to look forward to the rest of his life.
