Nuclear weapons. Oh so frightening...

Disclaimer: I do not own anything except the things I own. The things I own are the things not owned by Colfer. Colfer owns everything except the things I own. The things Colfer owns are the things I do not own. :) Try that one, all you people who think you're the next Artemis Fowl.


Valerie took a deep breath, and swung herself towards the crossbeam, wincing as the metal scraped her back. For a moment, she was afraid she was going to fall, and then the harness caught, slipping neatly over the crossbeam. Safe.

She caught hold of the exit with her foot, and pulled it closed behind her as she pulled her legs out. Now came the waiting.

Around two that morning, one of the men in the back woke up. It took him a moment to realize something was missing, and then the yell that ensued woke up everyone else in the copter.

Madam was gone.

Lights came on, and they searched every square centimeter of the copter. There was no way, with this many people and in this small space, that she could have hidden. But she was not there! She was gone!

The other helicopters called, wanting to know what was wrong, and were equally horrified to learn that Madam was simply not in her helicopter. There was no sign of her. The pilot would have noticed if the door had been opened obviously, and no windows were broken.

The harness was gone, the wrap was gone, and she was gone. How she'd gotten out, and where she was now were a mystery. Most importantly, whether she was alive or not was a mystery.

It was now common knowledge what one of the more friendly bodyguards had mentioned to one of their men: "Oh yeah, real slick, isn't she? She was talking about jumping without a parachute when we were coming it. All sorts of crazy things. I believe she'd do 'em too!"

By far, this was the most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to any of them.

Valerie dozed on and off, smiling slightly when the first few yells woke her up. She highly doubted they would ever find her. Perhaps no one would know how she'd done it until she got back to America and her biography was written. She was sure it would be.

Imagine the mortification…

The copters suddenly began to lose altitude, and she snapped awake. Either they were making an emergency landing, or they'd reached their stop. Hastily she wriggled around on the crossbeam, making sure the harness wasn't stuck on anything.

She'd kicked the bottom half of the wrap off long ago, not wanting to leave any clues once they'd landed. It would be better if they thought she'd disembarked miles back.

Her kicking legs were the first thing to touch the ground, and she hastily went up onto tiptoe, sliding the harness straps off the crossbeam.

Before the copter had touched the ground, she was already off the pad, melting into the trees. It would take a miracle for the Sun Ye On to find her, and they weren't exactly on heaven's good side.

She considered herself safe.

It took her a while to remove the harness and wrap, but she was several miles away then, and could afford to stay in one place. She doubted they would start looking in this area.

Now, of course, came the hard part— getting back to Zane. They'd traveled mostly south, and a little west. After a while of turning around and around, she decided she was lined up right, and took off at a slow jog, determined to run all day if she had to. They probably hadn't even gotten out of Russia yet, so she had a good shot at getting there in the next few days.

She ran for hours in a straight line at the same speed. She had to get to Zane, get the stupid diamond, and get out of there. Of course, they were probably expecting her now, considering the things she and Zane had said to each other. That could be a problem.

A whole day passed, and it began to get dark again. The ground got steeper and more rocky. She was sure she was getting nearer. After all, the house was somewhere in the Verkhoyansk Mountains. The problem would simply be finding it, though if she went towards the area that had more guards, and was more heavily populated by Mafia, she supposed she could find it.

The problem would lie in finding a Mafia post without letting them find her. They would be watching, and she would not know where they were.


Rivers was in his office, biting his nails. A nasty habit, but probably excusable, considering the circumstances. He'd paid top dollar for a website on her, (carefully hidden of course, since wrong publicity was as bad as no publicity) which was now visited by several thousand persons an hour. The betting pool had reached several million. His— or rather Valerie's client had just sent him an update for the site.

She'd had huge reconstructive surgery, and there were pictures of her hands and arms. Very gruesome, gory pictures. There were also pictures of Valerie chatting with the doctors during the surgery, and how she looked all bandaged up. That was disturbing. She definitely could not use her hands, and her balance was probably upset.

The Tyrant had traded her to the Sun Ye On. There were pictures of the meeting, and of Valerie, laughing about something. Everyone else in the room looked worried.

There was also a slight problem. Valerie had been loaded onto the helicopter, and there were pictures of this too. Sometime while they were in the air, she had disappeared. Just disappeared. There was absolutely no sign of her, or of her route of escape. The exits were shut, the windows were secured. She'd been tied to a support post in the middle of the copter. There was no way she could have disappeared, but she had. It was rumored that she had talked about jumping. Without a parachute. There were none.

He'd also been sent some other information, which he'd decided not to divulge to the public at large. Valerie and Zane were getting very close. It appeared that they knew each other somehow. Neither he, nor Rivers had any idea of where they'd met. This was bothersome. What if she failed because of her attachment to him?

More interesting though, was the voice file.

"For your information, I was expanding on that ridiculous general plan! I'm going to need to get a hold of a lot of things that are hard to get anyway."

"Like what?"

"A nuclear bomb."

She was crazy. Of course, that would stir up the criminal world a good bit, and possibly cause some panic. That could be a good thing, or a bad thing, depending on who panicked. He decided to post it anyway, and sat back, waiting for responses.

They weren't good. The basic idea being portrayed was that Madam was on the loose with a nuclear bomb.

She wasn't. He hoped.


As it became darker, Valerie slowed slightly, reverting to stealth as she became more and more certain she was in Mafia territory.

It turned out she was right.

Up ahead, a light flashed a moment, and then it was dark again. She heard the mumble of voices. Stupid sentries. Anyone could get past once they knew where they were.

For a moment, she was highly tempted to slit one of their throats in the dark so The Tyrant would know she was coming back, and taunting him openly. Then she decided not to. The men may have been idiots, but they were helping her in a way, and one good turn deserved another.

She slipped past them in the dark, and kept going inward, watching more carefully now for the guards. The closer she got, the more there would be, and the harder it would be to lose them in the dark. She absolutely could not set anything off.

As she got closer, it got quieter, and quieter. Everyone was waiting. Everyone was listening.

It was almost relieving to hear the rumble of a car on a dirt road, a quarter mile to the right. Valerie went towards the noise, deciding to follow the road up to the house.

At the road, she crouched down in the branches of an enormous pine, watching with amusement as first one car, and then another passed along towards the north. The cars were full of Chinese. No doubt the Sun Ye On and The Tyrant had decided to collaborate. The Sun Ye On wanted her dead. The Tyrant was probably afraid of her nuclear bomb threat.

Certain that most, if not all, or the vehicles had passed her, she began to move, still cautious, but fairly certain she would not run into anyone. After all, who guarded the road? No self-respecting spy would just walk in!

Valerie was not a spy.

It took her almost an hour to come within sight of the mansion, and by then the dull ache in her arms had reached a throbbing burn. She wanted to stop desperately, but she knew she couldn't. Zane was waiting for her, and she needed as much time as she could get.

From the top of the hill she was on, she could see the helicopter pad, well lit. The Sun Ye On's top men weren't going to drive in. The same copter she left in was sitting on the pad, and men were streaming out of it. Inwardly she laughed, imagining the testimonies they'd give… Yes, ah, she was nowhere in the helicopter. Just sort of gone, you know?

On either side of the pad lay long barrack type buildings, and on one end the mansion. The only open side was guarded by a wall of Mafia. Very well. She wouldn't go there, if only because it was ridiculous, and they would be expecting it. It would be ridiculous not to do it, perhaps.

Slowly, she made her way down the hill, leaving the path of the road, and going around the outskirts of the buildings.

The hard part would be getting to Zane. The harder part would be getting the diamond. The hardest part would be staying alive. Valerie sighed. Things were getting very complicated.

It took her a while to get onto the roof, but in the end, it was worth it. She crept through the shadows, feeling almost childish in her glee at being able to see the entirety of the enemy without their knowledge.

For a moment, she was tempted to play some trick, to watch the confusion of the men when rocks started raining down for no reason.

That idea passed quickly, however. Now was not the time. Perhaps it would never be that time. The time for the innocence of children was gone. Valerie was a killer. Right now, she had to kill or be killed. Right now, she either had to kill Zane and get out, or save him and the diamond before getting out. Neither prospect was inviting.

As she walked along the roof, she happened upon the skylights of the meeting room. Immediately her curiosity was aroused. What were they saying about her, she wondered?

She crouched down carefully by the window, not wanting to be seen, but unwilling to lie down, since it would be difficult to get up without her hands.

Below her, the table was even more crowded than yesterday, and in her seat was Zane, mouth shut tightly, staring at the table in front of him as members of bother parties hurled question after question at him.

Valerie sighed, got down on her stomach, and pressed her ear to the window to hear better.

"Where is she, damn it?" The Tyrant rose, pounding his fist unmercifully on the table. "She disappeared in mid-air! She must be somewhere!"

Zane shut his eyes.

One of the Sun Ye On leaned over Zane, jerking his head up. "Listen to me— answer one question, and that will suffice. Just one; just a yes or no. Nothing more."

Everyone was quiet, waiting. Slowly, Zane looked at him.

"I just want to know," he said, biting the words, "if Madam really has a nuclear bomb. That's all I want to know. Just a yes or no answer, and we'll send you back."

The quiet increased. That, of course, was the big question. A nuclear bomb affected a whole lot of people. It affected everyone.

Zane suddenly pushed back his chair from the table and stood. He looked around the room. Then, he began to laugh, and laugh, and laugh. "Yes," he said finally.

Above them, Valerie smiled. How wicked!


Glorious, isn't it? Just wait and see what she does!

By the way, several people have asked how many chapters. There are 32 total, (not 32 left!) and a short epilogue. After that, I have other stories for the summer, and I'm well into a very large, 11 page per chapter, Artemis-and-Holly-save-the-world story.

You who do not review: Your evils will condemn you on the day of judgment. :)