CHAPTER 18: A MATTER OF CONVENIENCE
The next day
The library
"Well, Mr Wright, what is your conclusion?" Lady Mary asked the new plumber.
Wright had been highly recommended by Lady Merton (the former Mrs Crawley), and that was sufficient for Lady Mary. He was an older, thoughtful man who took pride in his work and his reputation. "The plumbing work is sound, milady. A man who can do sound work has no business cheating his customers!"
"So we've been cheated?"
"The tub is not the model on the bill, milady. You ordered a porcelain-enamelled Roman tub. Hopwood connected a cheap, steel-cased footed tub. You don't have to be a plumber to see the difference."
"That's easily remedied. What else?"
"I'm mystified by these expensive extras, milady. Water-velvetter, temperature-synchronizer, noise-disrupter, health-modulator. I telephoned my supplier to hear descriptions and ask prices, and he thought I was joking. There are no such fittings."
"I see. And if the tub were replaced with the correct model and the charges for the extras removed, would the price be reasonable?"
"Yes, milady. I would be happy to call this Hopwood to see if he has the Roman tub in stock. If he does, then I'll exchange it for you and take care of the installation. I won't bill you, milady. Men like this hurt my trade. I ask only that you allow me to prepare an estimate for you the next time you require plumbing services."
"That's generous of you, Mr Wright. Bates, please show Mr Wright to the phone. Then there's something I would like to discuss with you."
"Yes, milady." Bates had no idea why he had been summoned to hear Wright's assessment.
When Bates returned to the library, Lady Mary was smiling and shaking her head. "A water-velvetter? It's reassuring to know that men can have their heads turned as easily as women."
"Yes, milady."
"I assume that Barrow has confided in you about this Hopwood fiasco."
"I have an inkling, milady."
"I have an inkling as well, Bates."
"Yes, milady." Bates was surprised. Had Thomas confessed everything?
"I want Hopwood to correct the bill. It's not so much the money. I simply can't allow him to get away with it."
"Agreed, milady."
"I won't permit Barrow to involve himself further. It's too risky for him. Do you understand what I'm saying, Bates?"
"Yes, milady, I understand."
"Getting Hopwood to exchange the tub should be simple enough. Getting him to correct the bill is another matter. You're a clever man, Bates. I thought this would be right up your alley. What do you say, Bates?"
"I say what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, milady."
Thomas Barrow's Pantry
Bates entered Thomas' pantry, closed the door, and stepped close to the desk. "Thomas, tell me something about Hopwood's appearance. Something intimate. Something a person wouldn't know unless he'd seen Hopwood undressed. A birthmark perhaps."
"What are you talking about?"
"Trust me, Thomas. There must be something you can tell me."
"Why?"
"You must trust me, Thomas. What do you remember?"
"He has twin moles. They mirror each other."
"What do they look like?"
"John, this is ridiculous."
"What do they look like, Thomas?"
"No!"
"Thomas, I'm only trying to help. You must tell me."
"Tell me what you're going to do, John."
Bates walked around the desk and grasped Thomas' chin, as was his habit. "Trust me, Thomas."
Thomas sighed. "They're round and flat and brown. This size." Thomas touched the tip of his small finger.
"Where are they?"
Thomas pointed to one side of his groin and then the other.
"That's all I need."
Hopwood Plumbing
"I must see this man who stole our Barrow's heart," Lady Mary whispered to Bates as Wright held open the door to Hopwood's shop. Bates was thinking the same thing but would never say so.
The shop was more of a warehouse, tightly packed with samples. Wright walked to the man at the desk while Lady Mary and Bates remained close to the door. "Are you Mr Hopwood?"
"Guilty as charged." Hopwood smiled, displaying dimples on either side of his full lips. He had sandy, blond hair and bright blue eyes. He wasn't tall, but he was trim and stylishly dressed for a country plumber.
"Are you Mr Wright?" asked Hopwood. "I have the Roman tub ready to show you."
"Yes, I'm Wright. I didn't mention on the phone that I'm here on behalf of Lady Mary Talbot." Wright tilted his head toward Lady Mary. "You recently remodelled her bathroom."
"I see."
Wright pulled the bill from his pocket. "You billed Lady Mary for a Roman tub. If you look at my truck you'll see the tub you actually installed. It's the wrong model. My men will unload it and take the Roman tub now."
Hopwood walked to the window and looked at the truck. Then he turned to Lady Mary and smiled. "I do apologize, milady. Unfortunately, errors happen when one has an Irishman for an assistant."
Lady Mary stiffened. "I have a car waiting. After Mr Wright has traded tubs, my agent, Mr Bates, will speak with you on behalf of Lord Grantham about a related matter." Lady Mary turned to Bates. "Please come with me a moment, Bates."
Lady Mary and Bates stepped outside. Lady Mary turned to Bates. "He's attractive enough, but he doesn't hold a candle to Barrow." Bates had to agree, although he kept his opinion to himself. "Are you confident, Bates?" Bates nodded.
Henry Talbot and Tom were parked outside the shop and standing by Henry's car. Lady Mary kissed Henry. "Goodbye, darling. I'm off to the station now. I'll be back with Mama on Sunday. You'll wait here until Bates is ready to leave, won't you?"
Tom saluted. "Will do, general."
Bates waited until Wright left in his truck with his men and the Roman tub and stepped back inside the shop. Hopwood looked at Bates and then looked at his watch. "I can give you only a few minutes, Mr ... Bates, is it?"
"That's correct."
"I have some installations this afternoon to which I must attend."
Bates smiled. "I have no desire to delay you, Mr Hopwood."
"How may I help you, Mr Bates?"
"It seems there are some errors on the bill."
"It seems that you have made an error, Mr Bates. I check and double-check all my bills before submitting them, and I can assure you there was no error. I'm sorry that you've been waiting for nothing."
"You would do me a great favour, Mr Hopwood, if you would check the bill one more time. There are some items listed that were never delivered. Water-velvetter, temperature-synchronizer, noise-disrupter, and health-modulator. "
Hopwood smiled. "I understand the confusion, Mr Bates. These items are new in England, but they're all the rage in France. I import them; hence the high price."
"I beg your pardon, Mr Hopwood, but Mr Wright could find no evidence of such items when he examined the bathroom this morning."
"I'm certain Mr Wright is a fine plumber, Mr Bates, but he's behind the times. I doubt he'd recognize modern components. There is nothing more I can do for you, Mr Bates. I have a busy day and must ask you to be on your way."
"Of course, Mr Hopwood. There's only one more thing I'd like to discuss. Something minor."
"And what is that?"
Bates opened the shop door a few inches and spoke in a calm voice, "Help, police, help me! Mr Hopwood is assaulting me!"
Hopwood slammed the door shut. "Are you threatening me?"
"Threatening you? Why Mr Hopwood, I'm protecting myself from your advances. I came here, innocently, to have you correct Lord Grantham's bill. You asked me to wait while you fetched the order, and when you returned you were stark naked! You were far too quick for me. I'm a poor, helpless cripple, unable to run."
"Don't make me laugh. Who would believe such a ridiculous story?"
"Look out the window, Mr Hopwood. When I called for the police, Lord Grantham's two sons-in-law happened to be outside. They ran in and saw me fully clothed and you without a stitch ready to wrestle me to the ground. It was fortunate for me that I had my wits about me and my cane ready to strike. You're new to this area, Mr Hopwood. Lord Grantham's family is well-loved and trusted in this village."
Hopwood looked out the window, and Henry and Tom smiled and waved.
"And then there's the matter of twin moles." Bates pointed to each side of Hopwood's groin with the tip of his cane. "Twin moles, Mr Hopwood. A gypsy would say that it means you have two faces. How would I know about that charming pair unless I had seen them as you accosted me."
"Thomas Barrow told you about the moles. He came to my flat at night and seduced me! Are you willing to expose him?"
"Excuse me, Mr Hopwood, but you must be mistaken. Mr Barrow spends his evenings in the company of my wife and myself. He's a dear friend of my family and godfather to my son."
Hopwood cursed and walked to his desk. "I'll remove the water-velvetter, and Lord Grantham may take his future business to my competitors."
"Remove all four items, if you please."
"Two"
"Four."
"Mr Bates, do you know nothing of negotiation?"
"Mr Hopwood, do you know nothing of the punishment for the crime you attempted to commit against my person?
Hopwood stared at Bates a moment, plopped himself at his desk and wrote out a new bill. He handed the corrected bill to Bates.
Bates folded the corrected bill and tucked it into his coat pocket. "It's been a pleasure doing business with you, Mr Hopwood. There is one small, additional matter."
"I've had enough of this." Hopwood stood and picked up the keys to his truck.
Bates stood in front of the shop door. "I'll be happy to leave, as long as I leave with a pair of gold cuff links."
"They were a gift!"
"When you tell a man you love him as a matter of convenience, then a gift becomes a theft." Bates stepped closer to Hopwood. "I must say, Mr Hopwood, that your twin moles are charming, but that nasty scar across your back is a shame."
"I don't have a scar on my back."
Bates pulled himself up to his full height, shouldered his cane, and smiled sweetly. "Not yet."
"Fine, I'll get them. Kindly remind Mr Barrow that I will not be doing business with him in the future."
