A/N This is VERY short, but last chapter is bigger.

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Chapter Twenty

I have given Ankhtefi instructions this day to destroy this writing now at my death. Alexander must not see it. It has been, in some strange way, a method to ease my conscience and make sense of my life before I leave it. At first I planned on its survival but so many painful memories have surfaced, private moments that I had to clarify which came unbidden to my mind as I wrote that this can no longer be.

The fever is burning me up and the blood in my stools is now a constant haemorrhage; I feel so tired…

We were to head into the Gedrosian Desert to support Nearchus' fleet as they sailed the coast to Carmenia, mapping it. Craterus had already left with the bulk of the army and the non-combatants, including Roxanne, through the easier northern route. Our job was to find supplies for the fleet and put down any resistance from local unallied tribes.

It was the worst campaign of my life and Alexander's biggest mistake, even failure. I hate deserts and that one in particular. It sucked the life out of you. I lost count of the dead, perhaps as many as a third of the army we took into that forsaken hole. One point we camped near a small river; in the night there was a flash flood that washed away many who had camped too close to its banks for the coolness.

After a few weeks Alexander had the officers dismount and walk the horses, those that were left, himself included though it had been barely three months since he had received that terrible wound. He would take no water other than the same ration we all took, even when scouts brought to him a tiny drop they had found on their march – he poured it as a libation to the gods. I believe he was punishing himself deliberately for bringing the men into this place – he had been so angry with them for forcing him to leave India and this, subconsciously, was his way of punishing them; but he had never intended this and I know he felt guilty for every death that occurred.

My mission on the march was to keep the rear watch but I spent as much time riding or walking back to the head of the column to check on him. I believe now that it was in doing this that my health was broken; when others rested at the hottest part of the day I was either trudging to him or from him – I lost three horses to it. Bagoas watched him night and day, ensuring he took the allotted ration and did not give it away. I was astonished at the boy's stamina and ability to stay with us – he had a purpose, and that was Alexander, and it kept him going as it did me.

I watched Alexander and I knew this was breaking his body, if not his spirit. That the fleet had also been destroyed was more than likely and he mourned for Nearchus as I did.

Finally we broke through and met Craterus and the others at Carmenia. Here there were abundant supplies and he handed these out to an army tempered into a new toughness by the Gedrosian.

We entered the capital in a Dionysiac procession, Alexander sitting with a number of friends upon a dais lashed firmly to two chariots; I had persuaded him that it was 'regal' and would look stunning, which it did – it also meant he wouldn't have to show that he hadn't the strength anymore to mount a horse. None of us had.

He handed out more rewards at the following seven day festival to all who had gone with him into the desert. Perdiccas was made a member of the Seven, the Royal Bodyguard, for his courage at Malli and his protection of the king there; I received a golden crown – simply for having been there; he was showing me more affection in public than he had ever done before and loading me with honours and gifts, uncaring how others reacted.

Then he received the best news possible: Nearchus was alive! And the fleet was intact – perhaps his libation in the desert had been received and his pray answered. It was joy indeed…

….gods, the pain is now so intense I can only gasp for air…

Harpolas finally proved himself a traitor by stealing seven hundred talents from the treasury and fleeing to Athens.

My promotion to Chiliarch confirmed my position, finally, as his second in command, despite the murmurings of a few; we were closer than we had ever been before, our love reaffirmed and strengthened by what we had gone through – I didn't care any longer what others thought.

He had not lost his dream of integration and at Susa the army saw the fruition of it – the mass weddings, not all voluntary. For me he fulfilled the dream he had set his heart on so many years before: we married sisters, Drypetis for me and Stateira for himself – now I was truly his blood, his brother. He had made my position unassailable…

…the room is darkening but yet I know it is still day…Tefi!...

It was also at Susa, during the games he put on in celebration of the weddings, that I had a furious row with Eumenes – over housing a flute player of all things! I was indeed tired but I had a massive wager on the flutist and wanted the best accommodation for him. Alexander did not execute me, simply shook his head in disbelief and told Eumenes to stop complaining.

Opis…mutiny…pain…I can no longer see the light…ALEXANDER!

TBC