CHAPTER 20: THE SPACE TO BE SAD
That night
John Bates' Old Room
Thomas did what he could to make Bates comfortable during those first hours of confinement. When Bates shivered, Thomas piled on blankets and served him hot bowls of Mrs Patmore's restorative broth. When Bates said the lamp hurt his eyes, Thomas set it on the floor and tilted the shade away from the bed. He regularly checked Bates' temperature, respiration, and pulse and wrote it all down for Dr Clarkson. Thomas gave Bates aspirin every four hours, but he wouldn't allow cough syrup because it was laced with alcohol. Dr Clarkson didn't believe syrups were effective anyway.
Bates slept fitfully. Thomas made up the second bed in the room for himself. No sooner would he doze off, than Bates would cough or groan or mumble in his sleep. Thomas would jump out of bed and check for any sign of distress. At one point, Bates was overcome with a fit of coughing. Thomas brought him a glass of water, but that didn't help. He had Bates sit up, but that didn't help. Bates leaned against Thomas and coughed into his handkerchief until his ribs ached. Thomas rubbed Bates' back all the while because there was nothing else for him to do. He hated feeling helpless.
When the cough subsided, Thomas went back to sleep only to be awakened by the sound of Bates muttering. He forced himself out of bed again and stumbled to Bates, who was curled on his side and crying in his sleep. Thomas tried to wake him, but Bates would not rouse and only became more upset. He mumbled, "Don't leave me, Anna."
Thomas could not bear to see Bates cry even if it was only a dream. He knelt next to the bed and soothed, "I'm here, John. I won't leave you." He stroked Bates' hair. "That's right, darling. I'm here." Bates quieted. Thomas kissed Bates gently on his bristled cheek. Immediately, he realized what he had done and fled to the other bed. He had crossed a line. What was wrong with him? If Bates had awakened, a little kiss like that might have cost Thomas his friendship. He was going to have to be more disciplined.
In the morning, Thomas dragged himself out of bed and found Bates sleeping soundly. He changed out of his pyjamas and was half-dressed when he heard a knock at the door. Thomas opened the door expecting Andy, but it was Anna carrying the breakfast tray. He closed the door to a crack and scolded, "Anna, what are you doing on the men's side? I'm not dressed."
"I'm sorry, Mr Barrow, but I want to see my husband."
"Wait here a moment." Thomas put on his robe and opened the door to accept the tray. "Anna, you know you shouldn't come here while he has a fever. You might give it to Timothy. Besides, he's asleep."
Anna peeked around the door and saw Bates sleeping. "Is he warm enough?"
"Yes, Anna."
"Did you check his temperature?"
"Wait here." Thomas retrieved the paper on which he recorded Bates' vital signs and aspirin doses and showed it to Anna. "See for yourself."
Anna looked at the paper and looked at Thomas. "Thank you, Mr Barrow." She stood on tiptoe, gave Thomas a quick kiss on the cheek, and forced herself down the stairs.
When Andy brought the lunch tray, Thomas found a folded note with "John" written on the outside. Bates recognised the handwriting and smiled. "It's from Anna."
"Certainly it is. I'm jealous, John. I haven't received a love note since I was nineteen."
"Then you'll be wanting this." Inside the note was a second folded paper addressed to Thomas.
Thomas opened the note expecting instructions from Anna on the care and feeding of her husband.
Dear Thomas,
Thank you for taking such good care of our John. You are a darling. You haven't been to the cottage in a few weeks, and I miss our good times together. I hope you will visit us just as soon as John is well. I want Timothy to know his Uncle Thomas.
Don't forget that you promised to teach me the Charleston!
Your loving friend,
Anna
Thomas smiled. He carefully folded the note, and put it in his pocket. Bates looked up from his own note. "Are you going to tell me what it says?"
"Are you going to tell me what yours says?" countered Thomas.
Bates laughed weakly, "Oh no!" He tucked the note under his pillow.
That afternoon, Bates' fever broke. Then he began to sweat. Thomas removed the blankets and sponged Bates face and arms and chest. He brought Bates glass after glass of water. Bates felt grimy and stiff and wanted a bath. "Not yet, John. You'll get dizzy and fall. Tomorrow, perhaps." Bates grumbled, but Thomas was firm. Thomas sympathised with Bates; he had a fastidious nature himself. "I can give you a sponge bath, John, if you're comfortable with that."
"I don't want to cause you embarrassment."
"I wouldn't be embarrassed, John. I did it sometimes at the hospital. We never had enough nurses. Of course, I'm no Lady Merton."
Bates chuckled. "I'd be grateful."
"I'll be back in a few minutes." Thomas did not want to leave Bates unattended for too long. He hurried downstairs and collected a number of towels and fresh bedding. Then he returned to the attic and filled a basin with hot water.
When Thomas returned to the room, Bates was standing and leaning over the bed. "John, get back into bed!"
"I'm trying."
"Wait. You can sit while I ready the bed." Bates sat in the chair while Thomas changed the bedding. Thomas carefully gathered all of Anna's notes that Bates had collected under his pillow and tucked them into the bag Anna had brought from the cottage.
"Why were you out of bed?"
"I just wanted to stretch my legs. Don't be cross with me."
Thomas paused and smiled. "I'm not cross, John. But it made you dizzy, admit it."
"Yes, I admit it."
"You could have fallen, and then Anna would have had my hide!"
Thomas spread a towel over the bed and wrapped a second towel around the pillow. He unbuttoned Bates' pyjamas. "It's easier to undress you while you're standing." Bates stood, and Thomas undressed him quickly, helped him back into bed, and covered him with a fresh sheet. He took a clean flannel from Bates' bag and checked the temperature of the water. He bathed Bates bit by bit, uncovering, bathing, patting dry, and covering as he went to prevent a chill. He tried not to enjoy the intimacy of the task. He had too much respect for Bates to permit himself to take advantage of the situation.
Bates watched Thomas as he worked. There was a tenderness about him that Bates had never noticed before. As he watched, he could imagine the sweet boy that Rose had described. If Bates had to choose between being bathed by Lady Merton or by Thomas, he would choose Thomas. He laughed to himself.
"What's funny? Are you ticklish?"
"No, but I'm sleepy. I can't imagine why. I've slept enough for a month."
"Your body's working to recover, John, that's why. Close your eyes and sleep. I'm almost done."
Bates closed his eyes and felt himself drifting. At some point, he opened his eyes to find that Thomas had dressed him in fresh pyjamas and was buttoning the top. Bates murmured, "You'll take care of me and mine until the end of your days."
Thomas raised his eyebrows. "What an odd thing to say." He buttoned the last button. But I will, if you'll let me, he thought to himself as he patted Bates on the chest.
Bates closed his eyes, rolled over, and slept soundly. When he awoke, it was dark outside. The towels were gone, and Thomas had arranged a small table and two chairs for dinner.
Thomas was helping Bates into a robe when Andy knocked at the door. "Lamb stew from Mrs Patmore, and flowers from Anna," he announced, grinning.
Thomas accepted the tray. "You look like the cat that got the cream. Do you have something to tell us?"
Andy produced two envelopes from his pocket and handed one to Bates and one to Thomas.
"Is this what I think it is?" Bates asked.
"They're invitations to our wedding, Mr Bates! Daisy said we're supposed to mail them, but I couldn't wait!"
Thomas and Bates laughed. Thomas shook Andy's hand. "Congratulations, Andy. I hope Daisy knows how lucky she is."
"I'm the lucky one, Mr Barrow!"
Bates gave Andy a warm handshake. "I wish you two a long and happy life together. Will you live at Yew Tree Farm?"
"Yes, and I can't wait!"
"According to this invitation, you'll have to wait until May 12th." Thomas waggled his finger at Andy. "No cheating now, Andy!"
"Oh, I would never cheat, Mr Barrow," Andy replied solemnly.
Thomas laughed. "Get on with your work now, Andy, and take this laundry downstairs. Mr Carson has enough to worry about without you dawdling about up here. Be sure to give our congratulations to Daisy."
"Yes, Mr Barrow." Andy grabbed the laundry and ran down the stairs yelling, "I'm getting married, and I CAN'T WAIT!"
Thomas and Bates laughed. Thomas ladled a dish of stew. "I can just picture them," Thomas mused. "Daisy cooking up the harvest in the kitchen, and Andy working the farm with old Mr Mason, surrounded by a dozen of their children." Bates chuckled.
Bates was recovering now, and Thomas would have no reason to be confined with him come morning. Perhaps this would be the right time to take up Lord Grantham's advice. Thomas set the dish in front of Bates. "John, may I ask you something?
"All right."
"Why do you call me little brother?"
Bates shrugged. "I like having a little brother. Someone to look up to me."
Thomas spoke softly. "You have a son for that now."
"Someone to share with, then."
"You have a wife for that."
"I like you, damn it, and I like having male companionship! Is that such a crime?"
"Not at all. And I do look up to you, John."
"If you don't want me to call you little brother, then I'll stop."
"I don't want you to stop, John. I like it."
Bates looked at Thomas. "If something's on your mind, Thomas, then speak plainly."
Thomas set a dish of stew on the table for himself and sat next to Bates. "John, being a little brother isn't the same as being a little boy. I'm the butler of Downton Abbey. I need your respect."
"You have that!"
"Do I, John? You didn't ask me if you could help with Hopwood. You told me."
"You needed help!"
"That was for me to decide. John, I must be responsible for my own life, even if I make mistakes. I'm not a puppy dog."
"A puppy dog! So, it's as bad as that. I'm a bully, am I?"
"Sometimes ... yes." Thomas could see that he had hurt Bates' feelings.
Bates absently pushed the stew about on his plate with a fork. "Anything else?"
Thomas wondered if he should finish what he had started. "There is something else, John."
Bates' jaw tightened. "Oh?"
"You can't bear to see other people unhappy."
Bates sat back in his seat. "And what's wrong with that?" he demanded.
Thomas was uncertain how to explain. "Sometimes, John, I need the space to be sad. I ... I don't know how to say it."
"Try."
"I have to live through sadness, John, or ... or I can't get to the other side."
"The other side?"
"The happier side. You have to allow me to be sad, John."
Bates sighed. "You make it sound easy, Thomas."
"Isn't it?"
Bates looked at Thomas. "No, little brother, it's not. When I know you're in pain, all I can see is you on your bed after you cut your wrists. I'll never forget the way you looked up at me that day. I had never seen you ... vulnerable like that. We didn't care a fig for each other back then, you and I, but when I saw the desperation in your eyes ... I needed to protect you. I needed to rescue you."
"You did rescue me, John. I don't know if I could have made it through that first week without you. But now, you won't let go.
"How do I know you won't try it again?"
"John, I promised you. What more can I do?"
"A desperate man may not be able to remember a promise. When you're sad, it terrifies me," Bates confessed. "I'm afraid you'll lock yourself back in that shell of yours, and I won't be able to pull you out again."
"I'm sorry, John. I didn't realize that's how it's been for you."
"That's how it's been."
They sat in silence for a moment.
"John, can't you trust me to take charge of my own life?"
"I ... yes ... yes, certainly, Thomas, I trust you."
"Can you give me the space to be sad?"
Thomas could see how difficult that question was for Bates. "All right, little brother. I'll try." Bates patted Thomas' hand.
"Your plate's cold." Thomas ladled a fresh dish for Bates. Bates picked up his fork but didn't eat.
"No appetite, John?"
Bates shook his head and pushed the plate away.
"You're not hungry because you haven't been eating. Take two bites now and you'll feel hungrier tomorrow."
"I can't, Thomas. I tried."
"Yes, you can." Thomas pushed the plate to Bates. "Take two bites for your little brother," he teased.
Bates looked at his plate and looked at Thomas. He reached out and tousled Thomas' hair.
Thomas protested, "Don't do that!" but he was laughing.
Bates picked up his fork and forced down two bites for his little brother.
