Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo and him alone. Unfortunately. (sniff)
Momo: Thank god. If you owned Bleach, you'd steal my Shiro-chan from me! (huggles Toshirou)
Hitsugaya: ... ... ...
Ahem. Sorry. Daydreaming about marrying Toshirou again…eheheheh.
…carry on.
Byakuya: Finally…
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Bleach Outtakes
(2)
Scene where Rukia is in the Division 6 holding cell with Renji outside
Rukia: Renji. Do you really think they'll give me the death sentence?
Renji: Well, DUH.
Rukia: …I see.
Renji: O.O Hey! I was kidding! What did you think?! Of course they won't, Byakuya-taicho is already appealing to the court! He'll get you out of it.
Rukia: …I-
Byakuya: (runs in) That's right, dear sister! I will get you out of it no matter what! Even if it means giving up all my wealth, my power, my kenseikan, my lovely, lovely, scarf! I'd even give up Renji for you, dear sister!
Renji: HEY!
Director: (glare of death) CUT. Ok that's it. (hits Ukitake with his camera tripod) NO MORE PUTTING HAPPY PILLS IN BYAKUYA'S GREEN TEA!!! GOT IT?! GOT…IT?!
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Scene where Ichigo wakes up at Urahara's place
Ichigo: I want to save her! (attempts to get up)
Kisuke: (pokes him with his cane)
Ichigo: AHHHHHH!!! (writhes in pain)
Kisuke: (glances at cane) Whoops. So sorry, Kurosaki-kun. Benihime came unsheathed again…Kurosaki-kun?
Ichigo: (passed out again)
Director: CUT! Dammit Kisuke, what did I tell you about using PLASTIC props?!
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Scene where Orihime first uses her Six Flowers
Orihime: Tsubasa! I reject!
Tsubasaki: O.O OMG I'M REJECTED! AND YOU EVEN SAID MY NAME WRONG!!! AHHH! I'M UNLOVED AND UNWANTED!!!!!!!! Now I'll NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND A GIRL! WAAAAAAAAH (goes off to cry in a corner)
Orhime: …O.o
Rest of the Six Flowers: Uhm, yea…Tsubasaki's arrived at his mid-life crisis stage…
Director: I give up…-.-
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Scene where Sado and Orihime are training with Yoruichi in that warehouse place
Sado: (makes the walls go boom)
Orihime: Yay! You did it, Sado-kun! Yoruichi-san, what do we do now? …Yoruichi-san…?
Yoruichi: ...zzzzz... (snoring away)
Director: CUT! Alright, who brought the catnip?!
Kisuke: …but she looks so cute sleeping! (cuddles Yoruichi)
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Scene where Uryuu is training with the glove
Uryuu: (takes glove out of box and puts it on) Hm…why is this so…unfashionable?!
Souken: (pops out from behind a tree) Hey! I'll have you know that that is a prized, family possession!
Uryuu: O.O Wait…aren't you supposed to be dead?!
Souken: (sniff) That's a fine way to greet your newly revived grandfather…I'm offended! No TV for you for a week! (simpers off)
Uryuu: NOOO! But I have to watch my daily fashion show channel! T.T
Director: …dear god…CUT. (chugs a bottle of painkillers for his humongous migraine)
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Scene where Ganju first appears
Ganju: I'm the self-proclaimed person who hates shinigamis the most, AND the self-proclaimed GOD OF THE WORLD! BWAHAHA BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! (cracks whip)
Ichigo: …now I'm traumatized…
Director: CUT! No kinky stuff here! AND PLEASE, HOW HARD IS IT TO STICK TO THE GODDAMN SCRIPT?!
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Scene where Yoruichi leads them to Kuukaku
Kuukaku: Yo.
All (minus Yoruichi, of course): KUUKAKU'S A GIRL?! O.O
Kuukaku: (is immediately offended) HEY YOU TAKE THAT BACK! (plucks off fake arm and chucks it at Uryuu)
Uryuu: OOF! Why is it always me getting hit…(promptly gets hit with a sake cup)
Director: CUT! And, erm…Kuukaku-san…could you please stop doing that? It's really quite expensive buying replacement arms…T-T
Kuukaku: (glares and throws a table at him)
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Scene where they get to Rukongai and fight against Jidanbou
Ichigo: (kicks Jidanbou's butt and is about to break his axes) WaHA!
Jidanbou: AHHHH MY EYE!!!!!!!!! (spurts blood)
Ichigo: …oops. O.O Sorry dude.
Jidanbou: (still screaming and running around like a headless chicken) AHHH!!! Noooo I CAN'T SEE—OOF! (runs headlong into the wall)
Ichigo: …O.O
Director: CUT! Ichigo, please listen to Yoruichi-san when she's friggin' teaching you how to aim! (throws cups and plates and boots)
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Scene where Jidanbou opens the gate for them
Jidanbou: Haha, stand back! I'm gonna open the gate now…AHH!
Ichigo: …?
Jidanbou: AH—AHHHH!!!!! (points at Ichimaru)
Ichigo: …who's he?
Yoruichi: Ichimaru Gin, 3rd Division's Captain…dammit, I didn't think he'd show up here!
Jidanbou: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (still screaming and crying like a baby)
All: …
Ichigo: uh…dude, you ok?
Jidanbou: AHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT MY MOMMY!!! (runs away crying)
Gate: (slams shut)
Ichimaru: …um, bye…?
Director: …that's it. I quit. Ya hear me?! I QUIT!!!
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Scene where Ichigo and Ganju land in front of Yumichika and Ikkaku
Ikkaku: Luck luck luck!
Ichigo/Ganju: …
Ikkaku: (still singing) Luck luck, lucky luck luck! Lucky, luck, lucky!
Ichigo/Ganju: …
Ikkaku: Luuuuuck, luck luck LUUUUUUCK!
Yumichika: …dude, I think it's time you stopped…
Director: CUT! …ok, I'm making it a point to NEVER use a song that Ikkaku is obsessed with. Ever.
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Same scene, Act 2
Ikkaku: Luck luck luck!
Ichigo/Ganju: …
Ikkaku: Luck, luck—OW! (has stabbed himself with his sword) Motherfu—
Yumichika: Ah, ah, ah! No foul language in front of the youngsters. (smirks at Ichigo)
Ichigo: You're making fun of me, aren't you? (glares and tackles)
Yumichika: Ahhh!!! MY HAIR! Don't you dare—AHHH! LEGGO OF MY HAIR!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!
Director: …I give up…
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Same Scene, Act 3
Ikkaku: Luck luck luck!
Ichigo/Ganju: ...
Ikkaku: Luck, luck--AHHHHHHH!
Yumichika/Ichigo/Ganju: (sigh) NOW what is it...?
Ikkaku: I SPRAINED MY TOE! AH! MY POOR BEAUTIFUL TOE! I SPRAINED A TOE! AHHH MOMMY!!!! (bawls)
Director: ...(slurred) I'll beee in the corn'r ufff yooo need meee...(hic)
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Scene where Sado is hiding under that tree and a bird is on his arm
Sado: …I wonder what I should do now…
Bird: Feeeeed meeeeeeeee…
Sado: O.O
Bird: Feeeeeeeeed meeee!
Sado: Oh my god…
Bird: Feed me dammit!
Sado: OH MY GOD A BIRD IS TALKING TO ME!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!! (runs away crying "mommy!" )
Bird: Heheheheh…oh wait--dammit you didn't give me a cracker!!!
Director: Cut! …DAMMIT URYUU HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS! STOP USING YOUR VENTRILIQUIST TRICKS TO TRAUMATIZE SADO!!! (runs off to pry Sado away from his security blanket)
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Scene where Uryuu and Orihime fight Jiroubou
Jiroubou: Wahahah! I am the master of flying objects! Now, go get that four-eyed freak! (his attack goes veering in his direction…) O.O ACK! NO, not ME! HIM!!! AAAAH!!!! OW!! HEY-no, no—sto-AAAAAH!!!!
Uryuu: …and I didn't even do anything yet…
Orihime: …I think he's dead… (goes over and pokes him)
Director: (sigh) Ugh…cut. Now we need a Jiroubou the 5th. Is it really that freaking hard to control those things?!
Orihime: Wow…we've already gone through 4?
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Scene where Ganju and Ichigo use Hanatarou as a hostage
Ganju: (grabs Hanatarou) HAHAHA! Now you'd better let us go!
11th Division people: …why?
Ichigo: O.o what do you mean, why? We're using him as a hostage!
Hanatarou: AHHHH MOMMY!!!! WAAAH!!! (starts crying…a lot)
Kenpachi: (bursts out from…somewhere) DON'T WORRY HANA-CHAN! GOOD OL' KENPACHI'LL SAVE YOU!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (rescues "Hana-chan" and starts dancing with him…)
All: O.O
Ichigo: Good god…he's lost it.
Director: (seething) CUT! (dangerous pause) THAT'S. IT. (grabs Kenpachi by the hair) IF YOU DON'T STOP -BEEEEEEEEEEEPING- TAKING YOUR HAPPY PILLS, I WILL SEPARATE YOUR HEAD FROM YOUR NECK!
All: Eep!
Director: (glare) WHAT WAS THAT…?
All: Nothing! (runs away)
Ichigo: …is it just me, or is he frothing from the mouth?
Director: GAAAAAAAAAH! (starts tearing at his hair)
Ichigo: What? I was just asking…
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Oh ho ho! And that ends all the outtakes for THIS chappy. On to the stuff they would never do or so. Mwaha. Today, it's Byakuya and Renji's turn.
Things That They Would Never Say
Byakuya
Bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come fo' you!
Heey, Renji dahling! Want to have some tea lata…? (bats eyelashes)
Paperwork? SCREW paperwork! (tosses it all over the place)
You know, I really don't feel like going to the meeting today…guess I'll just cut it!
Hey Renji, old pal! Let's hit the bar and get drunk!
Rukia, dear sister! What do you say patch up our problems and be a nice, happy family?
I love you, you love me, we are one big happy family…
Renji
Ewwww! Oh my god I just saw a bug! Kill it, kill it, kill it!!! (is screaming atop a table)
Paperwork? Oooh let me, captain! Please, let me!
'Scuse me doctor, I want to get my tattoos removed.
Rukia! Allow me to profess my love to you!
Hitsugaya-taicho-sama! May I bring you your tea? Or perhaps cushion? Would you like some onigiri, too?
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Oh and the reason I'm using parenthesis is because for some reason, whenever I use asterisks, THEY DON'T SHOW UP!!! T-T It hates me…I'm convinced.
Byakuya: …everyone hates you.
Mizu: Oh shut up, you! (catches him with a butterfly net and shoves him into the closet) Hmph.
So…READ AND REVIEW, please!
