CHAPTER 58: THE LABOURS OF HERCULES

Tuesday, April 12

Outside the Theatre Royal, Leeds

Bates stood on the sidelines with Thomas as they watched Novello charm the other members of the staff. Novello had left a message at the box office asking the staff to please wait after the show until he had met his fans and signed autographs. He wanted to give the staff the attention they were due for travelling all the way from Downton to see his little show.

Bates admired Novello's indefatigable ability to make people happy. Novello engaged each member of the staff in conversation and remembered the names of those he had met at last autumn's dance. He greeted Anna and Minnie with kisses on both cheeks and called Anna, the little mother. At the present moment, he was speaking to Carson and Mrs Hughes, and Carson was chatting as though they were old friends.

"Ivor can speak to anyone," Thomas declared. "You have that, John. I have ideas, but I need you to sell them."

Bates was surprised. "I wouldn't have much to sell without ..."

"Look!" interrupted Thomas. He nodded towards Carson, who was singing some music hall ditty, to Novello's utter delight, complete with gestures he must have performed hundreds of times.

Bates chuckled. "Well, that's out of the bag."

"What?"

"Mr Carson had a career on the stage before we knew him."

"You're kidding!"

Bates shook his head. "It was his dark secret." Novello gestured to them. "Look. Ivor's ready for us."

Bates and Thomas made their way through the crowd and shook hands with Novello. "Mrs Hughes has everything worked out for you," announced Novello.

Thomas was bewildered. "What's that, Mrs Hughes?"

"Mr Morgan will drive you and Mr Bates back to Downton later so you can have a visit with Mr Novello," replied Mrs Hughes.

"But Mr Novello," protested Thomas, "don't you need to rest before your evening performance?"

"I always have tea after the matinee. I'll be disappointed if you and Mr Bates don't join me."

"But what about ...?"

"We wouldn't want to disappoint Mr Novello, would we?" urged Bates. "I'm certain Mrs Hughes will have everything under control at the Abbey."


Ivor Novello's Hotel Room

Bates sat on a sofa and munched a coronation chicken sandwich while waiting for Novello to direct the conversation.

"What's the latest news, Thomas?" asked Novello as he opened a roast beef sandwich and piled on pickles.

"I'm thinking of tying our next dance to the horse races in Thirsk. They've been gaining in popularity."

"Not business, Thomas. I mean what's happening in your personal life."

"My personal life?" Thomas looked from Novello to Bates. "Oh, I see! Does a confidence mean nothing to you, John? You have no respect for me whatsoever! You think nothing of going behind my back!" he accused.

"Thomas, shut up!" commanded Novello sharply.

Thomas fell silent. He had never heard Novello use that tone before.

"Ivor, please," chided Bates.

"Please nothing!" replied Novello. "It may interest you to know, Thomas, that John hasn't shared your little secret with me. He told me only that you need advice. He said he wasn't free to tell me more than that. He seemed to think I could advise you better than he."

"Of course he did!" retorted Thomas. "John's not queer, so he couldn't possibly understand my problems! Isn't that right John? All queer's are alike, aren't they, John, so Ivor should have all the answers I need!" shouted Thomas.

"I can't answer you, Pooh," replied Bates softly.

"Of course you can't!" spat Thomas.

"I mean, I can't answer without Ivor hearing about ... about the issue ..."

Novello threw down his sandwich and stood. "Enough! Thomas, come here."

"Leave me alone."

"Come here!" commanded Novello.

Thomas snorted, but then he stood and walked sullenly to Novello. Novello slipped his arm around Thomas' waist and led him to the window so that their backs were to Bates. They were whispering, so Bates could hear only bits and pieces of their conversation.

Why must you ... makes me so angry ... loves you ... to run my life ... Country Mouse ... Ivor! ... Not in front of John ... I don't need ... I know ... Must I? ...

Bates smiled to himself. Novello was cajoling Thomas exactly as Bates would cajole Anna when he was trying to get around her. Novello was teasing and nuzzling and tickling and kissing Thomas until Thomas relented. Bates wished he could gain Thomas' cooperation so easily, but he could never do the things Novello did so naturally. Those things would not be natural for him.

Thomas sat on the sofa next to John. "I'm sorry, John. I get so angry ... the way you try to take charge of me. I didn't mean what I said."

Bates patted Thomas' hand. "You meant some of it. I know I shouldn't have gone behind your back, Pooh, but I was desperate. You were making a decision that could affect the rest of your life and ... if you're not going to tell Ivor, then we should continue this discussion at home."

"Thomas, I don't want to pry, but if you tell me, perhaps I can help," offered Novello.

Although he resented Bates' interference, Thomas wanted to hear Novello's opinion. He explained his plan to Novello, who listened quietly while he ate. When Thomas finished, Novello stood and began to pace. "John, may I ask why you thought I could advise Thomas better than you."

"You're an actor. Aren't there homosexual actors who choose to marry women for the sake of their careers? I thought you would know some and could share their experiences."

"Homosexual. My that's a big word," remarked Thomas wryly. "You've been reading."

"That's the scientific word, isn't it? It's not an insult. Am I right?" asked Bates earnestly.

Novello sat down at Bates' other side. "You're sweet to try so hard. Yes, it's the scientific word, but it carries a stigma. Homosexuality implies a mental illness."

"Oh, I didn't know. I used to say Uranian, but Thomas says that's old-fashioned."

Novello put his arm around Bates' shoulders. "Uranian is a lovely word because we invented it to describe ourselves. It's old-fashioned, but then, you're old-fashioned too, and you're a lovely man. Thomas, I hope you appreciate how lovely John is. If you were a different type of man, John, I would show you how lovely I think you are."

"Stop it, Ivor," ordered Thomas irritably. "You're not funny."

"It's all right, Pooh. He's only teasing me."

Novello smiled. "No, I'm not, John." He stood and began to pace again. "Let's return to the topic at hand, shall we? You're correct, John, I've known a variety of Uranian men who have married women, sometimes to protect their careers, sometimes to please their families, sometimes to produce their heirs, and sometimes to find the happiness that has eluded them."

"And did they find happiness?" asked Bates.

"Not usually."

"Then sometimes!" pounced Thomas.

"Yes," replied Novello. "Sometimes. I can't help but suspect that the men who found happiness discovered that they were ..."

"Were what?" demanded Thomas.

"Ambisexual?" suggested Bates.

Novello smiled. "That's right, John. Ambisexual. Tell me, Thomas, do you suspect that you're ambisexual?"

Thomas muttered something.

"What's that?" asked Novello.

Thomas sighed. "I couldn't help but wonder. When Minnie and I talked about marriage, I asked her to sit on my lap. I thought ... perhaps ..."

"You might become aroused?" prompted Bates.

"Did you?" asked Novello.

"No."

"I see." Novello paused to sip some tea.

"It's not as though I were repulsed. I didn't throw her on the floor!"

Novello couldn't help but smile. "That's a relief. Do you want to hear my advice?"

"Yes."

"If you're determined to proceed, then you must complete the following tasks before you marry."

"Tasks?" Thomas frowned. "You make them sound like the Labours of Hercules."

"Shall I continue?"

"Yes."

"Before anything else, you must show Minnie the scars on your wrists and answer any questions she has about them."

"What?" Thomas looked at Bates. "John, do you agree?"

"Yes. She plans to have children with you. She has a right to know your history."

Thomas looked down at his shoes. "All right. Go ahead. What's next?"

"The two of you must make a contract before you marry in which you establish certain conditions and procedures ... are you ready?"

Thomas looked up. "Yes."

"One. You must specify whether or not you will limit sexual relations to the confines of your marriage."

"Of course we will!"

"Have you discussed it with Minnie?"

"No."

"You must discuss each of these points with her and write each of them into the contract when you come to an agreement. Don't be surprised if it takes you weeks to hammer it out. So what if it does? We're talking about the rest of your lives here."

"All right. What else?"

"Two. You must specify exactly what procedures will be followed if, before the first pregnancy occurs, one of you falls in love with someone else."

"Isn't that the sort of thing couples play by ear?"

"That's the sort of thing ordinary couples play by ear. You and Minnie aren't an ordinary couple."

"All right. Go on."

"Three. You must specify exactly what procedures will be followed if, after the first pregnancy occurs, one of you falls in love with someone else. Shall I continue?"

"Yes."

"Four. You must specify exactly what procedures will be followed if Minnie hasn't become pregnant or hasn't been delivered of a child by some certain time that the both of you have established in the contract."

Bates noticed that Thomas was wringing his hands. "Is that everything Thomas must do?"

"Almost. If Thomas and Minnie are able to discuss each of these items and agree on procedures for each, then perhaps they have a chance for success."

"Then what's left?" asked Thomas anxiously.

"You must prove that you're able to have sex with a woman."

"Ivor! What are you saying? demanded Bates.

"I'm saying that Thomas and Minnie must consummate their relationship before the wedding."

Bates was appalled. "We're talking about a flesh and blood woman, Ivor, not some abstract thing. What if she were to become pregnant? It could happen!"

Thomas spoke calmly. "Ivor is right, John. If I'm not able to do it, then no damage has been done, save some embarrassment, and Minnie won't be shamed by divorce. If I'm able to do it, then we'll marry, and if she's pregnant, so much the better."

"You understand, Thomas, that you may take the last step only after you and Minnie have completed the contract and are in complete agreement about every item."

"I can see the sense of it. If Minnie won't agree to work out these details, then ... then she doesn't understand the difficulties of our situation, and we shouldn't marry. But I can make her understand. I know I can."

Novello picked up the dessert tray and brought it to Bates. "I'm sorry, John. I probably didn't give the advice you would have liked."

Bates refused the sweets. "I wanted you to say what you believed, Ivor."

Novello held out the tray to Thomas. "John, if it doesn't work out, they can always divorce."

"No, Ivor! It's not that simple for Thomas."

Thomas refused the tray too. "What do you mean, it's not that simple for me?"

"Never mind, Pooh."

"No, tell me! Are you saying it's simple for Minnie but it's not simple for me? Why would you say that?"

Bates turned to Thomas. "Because, damn it, if your marriage fails, Minnie will be unhappy, but you'll ..."

"What, John? Cut my wrists? That's what you think, isn't it!"

"No! Don't put words in my mouth!"

"What then?"

"You'll stop eating and sleeping, and you'll ... suffer ... you'll ..."

Thomas strode to the door. "I've had enough of this. I'm going to find Morgan. It's time we were headed back." He stormed out and slammed the door behind him.

Novello was alarmed. "John, is there a chance he might make another attempt on his life if this goes badly?"

"I don't think so, but he does everything so intensely. Everything's a matter of life or death with him."

"I think he's been improving."

"He has been improving, but not enough to handle this marriage business. He's pinned all his hopes on it."

"Should I telephone tomorrow and say I've reconsidered and believe it's a mistake?"

"No, Ivor, he'd see right through that. Besides, there's nothing we can do. In his head, he's already pushing a perambulator. I only hope Minnie won't agree to the tasks you've put in their way."

"John, there is a chance they'd be happy."

"And I'd like nothing better than to live in that fairy tale, Ivor."


Ivor's Car

Bates sat alone in the back seat and listened to Morgan and Thomas chat about cameras. Bates had no interest in camera technology, and Thomas was making a point of excluding him anyway. He decided to take advantage of Thomas' cold shoulder to catch a nap. Thomas was jealous of Bates' ability to nap anytime, anywhere he chose, a skill Bates had perfected as a soldier. He closed his eyes, and the next thing he knew, Thomas was shaking him awake. "Are we home already? I only closed my eyes for a moment."

"No, John, we're not home. Sit up. You're on your bad leg, and you know what will happen." Bates pulled himself to a sitting position. At home, Anna would waken Bates if he leaned onto his bad leg while he napped on the sofa. Otherwise, his leg would stiffen painfully, and she would have to massage it.

Thomas climbed into the back seat. "I'll sit next to you so you don't lean."

"Don't be silly, Pooh, go up front with Morgan. I'll sit against the door."

No, I'm bad company today. Morgan's glad to be rid of me. Do you need me to massage your leg? I've seen how Anna does it."

"No, it's not that bad. I'm able to move it about."

Morgan pulled the car back into traffic. "It's getting chilly," Thomas noted and covered Bates' legs with a rug.

"Thank you, little brother."

"Go back to sleep, you old goat."

Bates chuckled. "I knew you couldn't stay angry at me, Pooh."

Thomas only grunted.