March 6
We were just casually having dinner together, just the two of us. We gazed at each other across the table, amongst emptied plates of tender, juicy steak and two half drunk glasses of a sweet moscato wine. Neither of us really knowing what allowed us to sit together like this and talk amicably, what divine circumstances had intervened and reconciled the once irrevocable chasm between us.
And that this was all going to be cut short soon.
"I still can't believe you're getting married in a week." Mom finally said, breaking our comfortable silence.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and grinned sheepishly. The last time I stunned Mom - well, it was only recently - when she had discovered my quiet ambitions to go to medical school and be a doctor. Won over my newfound resolve and grades (hopefully!), she readily supports me now - as well as this otherwise crazy endeavour.
I gazed tentatively at Mom, wondering if she was doubting my choices. After all, my fiancee Jamie and I have only begun dating for a month when I asked for her hand. And Jamie's time with me is even shorter, constantly marred by the prospect of the leukemia…No, now's was not the time to think about such things.
Now, I could enjoy a quiet dinner evening with Mom, awed and humbled by the prospect of someday doing this with Jamie. With my wife.
But marriage...marriage is a huge commitment I'm still trying to wrap my head around. There hadn't been such thoughts clouding my mind when I sat next to Jamie that starry night and gently asked her to marry me. That day seemed eons ago compared to the new complexities I was struggling to contend with now in preparation for our new life together. Did Mom think the change from my old irresponsible nature to my current reformed self, was too sudden and abrupt? Was she questioning if I was ready to get married?
As though she could read my troubled thoughts, Mom reached over and clasped my hand in hers.
"You know, I got married to your father at 20."
Her words surprised me. With them divorced, Mom had always been reticent about her relationship with Dad. In fact, I myself had a very strained relationship with Dad until he had arranged for Jamie to have stay-home hospice care.
I owe it, again, to Jamie. She is truly inspiring simply by being herself.
Mom sipped her wine, her eyes taking on a far off trance. I leaned forward and looked intently at her, hanging onto her every word.
"I loved him, just like I'm sure you love Jamie. He was dashing, and kind, and thoughtful...and everything you want in a future partner, I suppose. I was young, and everyone was against how young I was choosing to settle down. They said it would affect my future choices, any possible career, that I would end up bitter and regretful about my life decisions…"
She gazed affectionately at me, still grasping my hand.
"...but I had you, and though I'm not with your dad anymore, I don't regret that decision. It was one of the best decisions I've made in my life."
I swallowed hard and murmured a thankyou. We gazed at each other, smiling happily as yet another aspect of our relationship reached a deeper, more intimate level.
"Landon...I've had this talk with you, many years ago. But I would like to bring it up again, especially now that you've chosen to enter this sacred commitment...to consecrate your life to Jamie..."
The dull sounds of the night were accompanied by the creaking of the old wooden back door. Crickets outside were chirping as the leaves they sat on rustled in the cold evening wind. I grasped my glass and took a sip of wine.
"...Have you thought about the wedding night?"
Woah, woah, woah! I swallowed hard again, but this time from panic. I gently put the glass down. Back visibly tense, I glanced sideways at Mom, only to find her staring intently at me, complete seriousness on her face. "wh-what?" was the only word that could find its way out of my mouth, as I gazed flabbergasted at her audacious question.
Undeterred, Mom plowed on. "Landon, I understand this is very sensitive and uhm… *cough* not something you'd really want to discuss with your mother, of all people. But it's especially important for Jamie's health, and especially her emotional health, that you make the wedding night special for her, and prioritise her."
"Jamie may be wise and mature beyond her years, dealing with a life-threatening disease, but in many other ways she is a perfectly ordinary eighteen-year-old girl. She will come into the marriage with certain fears and concerns about this new area of her sexuality will mean. And you, as the man of the household, need to help her explore this aspect of your relationship."
"I'm definitely not going to go into details or anything explicit...but be kind. Be loving. Be tender. Be patient, because being her first time it will probably be sore. (definitely not words I want to hear from you, thanks Mom..) Listen to her needs and put them before your own. Affirm her repeatedly. She may be worried and apprehensive, so put those fears to rest. Show her how beautiful she is, and show her how much you love her. Love is about giving, not about taking, and as a man and lover, you must know how to give."
"There are important things you should consider as well." Here, Mom stopped and awkwardly cleared her throat, searching for the right words to say, before bravely pressing on.
"You need to take precautions...birth control for Jamie will be very difficult because of her current medical condition. An unexpected pregnancy will be difficult for both of you to contend with too."
To my credit, I took all this surprising advice from my mother with only a wide-eyed and a rather slack-jawed expression.
Mom is crazy to bring this up, but... what she's saying makes a lot of sense.
Slowly, I nodded, and then, perceiving she wanted a bigger response, nodded more vigorously.
"Okay…I'll talk to Dad about it."
The topic was dropped and nothing else that was awkward came up as we continued to casually converse, but I couldn't shake off Mom's words as I retired to bed.
you need to take precautions...birth control for Jamie will be very difficult because of her current medical condition. An unexpected pregnancy will be difficult for both of you to contend with too.
I resolved to drop by the hospital to talk to Dad the next day.
