March 10
I've just concluded yet another precious date with Jamie. We went shopping for wedding favours, stopped by to talk to our wedding planner, and enjoyed a hearty dinner while trying foods in preparation for the wedding reception. I've been really worried if Jamie's health would hold up throughout the strenuous day, but my concerns are unfounded; she seems to never have been better.
Perhaps there is truth in what she told me previously. I will always fondly recall her words, "if anything, you made me live longer."
As I watched her eagerly tuck into her food, her hair turned penny copper by the dim lighting, I couldn't help myself - I reached out and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. She looked at me, never shying away (she's never shied away, has she?) and simply, coyly - giggled. As I looked into her eyes, filled with love, I realised yet again this is another beautiful moment I'm privileged to share with her.
That gave me the courage to take the next step.
"Jamie, there's something I want to talk to you about."
There's a little note from Jamie here, she grabbed the book from me when I wasn't around and decided to pen an entry. I think her version of what happened that night is more interesting, so now she picks up the story.
I was surprised. Usually I'm the one to broach serious topics with Landon, not the other way round. And you could tell this topic was...serious. The look in his eyes was one I rarely saw as he tried to be as easy going and lighthearted around me as possible. It was the same look he gave when I confessed my deepest fears to him in front of his car, when I told him I was scared to lose him.
Was he going to call off our wedding? Did he realise he didn't want to get married to someone who could drop dead at any point? I really felt so panicked at that point.
Drop dead is scribbled out firmly with a pen, so many times I can barely make out the words. It was why I almost tore out this entry and was the reason for one of our very rare fights as a married couple. I never wanted her to say or write those words while she was still alive.
"I want to talk to you about...our wedding night."
I (Jamie) felt relieved, and then I was sure my face was a very vivid shade of tomato. My skin felt hot and burning - not from arousal, but from sheer...embarrassment!
I looked around us quickly to check no one was listening in on our conversation. Fortunately, we were having a rather late dinner, in a small and cosy cafe which only had another couple seating several places down from us.
I turned back to face him, the two of us opening our mouths to bridge the awkward silence that had formed.
"Well, I'm a virgin" we said in unison, and then laughed awkwardly. We both took a sip of tea to try and cover the visible embarrassment crawling in various shades of red up our faces.
"I'm...I'm glad you are" I said stoutly, not realising how stupid the words sounded until they emerged from my mouth. As I grabbed my napkin to dramatically cover my face (once a theatre kid, always a theatre kid…), Landon reached out to clasp my hand, gently pulling my arm down so once again, our eyes met.
"But Jamie, I need to confess, I've…" he stopped and swallowed hard. "My slate isn't perfectly clean. I never went all the way, but I've definitely done some things that weren't godly and that I regret. I...I came close to going all the way. But I'm glad I didn't."
His hand, which had been toying with his napkin, halted and he looked up at me, steely resolve mixed with trepidation in his eyes.
I smiled and covered his hand with mine.
"You don't need to feel any shame or regret about the past. The word says, 'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.' I know you've sought repentance and received it, and I'm so thankful to be marrying you."
"I love you Jamie, and you're the only one for me."
"I love you too."
Landon, I can't believe you talked to your parents about our wedding night?! But I love you, you daft boy.
She's drawn a comical caricature of the two of us, me cowering in a corner as an exaggerated and blown up picture of her face chides me for something I did. It made me smile and my heart crack at the same time.
Well, back to my perspective to wrap things up.
We talked a little about expectations to prepare ourselves for the night - how we might be very tired from the day's festivities, and if there was anything we should prepare for, like a baby. We also agreed to pray together each night, as husband and wife.
I am so tired I want to fall into bed and not wake up till tomorrow afternoon, but I needed to pen this precious moment with Jamie down.
