I try to ignore it now.
I read. I draw. I take walks. I slay, even though I don't have to.
Every vampire eases the pain, y'know?
When they're gone I can imagine him making some sort of sarcastic comment.
I think he's watching me, but when I turn, there's no one there. Although, of course, there wouldn't be, would there?
I think he's still out there. Even if he's not alive anymore, I know he's out there somewhere. I imagine us meeting. Bumping into each other on a street, me trying to stake him then realising, a kiss...
I wish I could've told him in a better way. What if he didn't understand, didn't hear me over the collapsing of the building?
I don't think I was clear enough. There wasn't enough time, why wasn't there enough?
He could've left. All the vampires were dead. Why didn't he leave? Why isn't he here with me?
I cry a lot now. It's hard to forget, although everyone else seems to have done it quickly enough. Dawnie sees me staring into blank space sometimes and tells me that it's ok.
"At least you're still here," She says.
Even I shouldn't be here. I wish that none of this had happened, I wish that everything was a normal day, that I was back at home and Spike was there with me...
It's not going to happen though, is it?
