CHAPTER 68: IF YOU WOULD AT LAST PREVAIL

Early Monday morning

The Servants' Hall

After kissing his toddlekins and leaving him with Nanny, Bates was the first in the servants' hall for breakfast. He would have preferred to eat at home with Anna but could not risk depleting their larder. Anna had been ravenous during these last few weeks of pregnancy. Twice a day, Bates lugged home a bulging hamper packed by Mrs Patmore, but the generous portions barely lasted to his next delivery.

Bates had been struggling to stay on Anna's good side. When he was home, he annoyed her by being overly attentive. When he was at work, he exasperated her by forgetting to deliver a message or to retrieve a requested item or to run an errand. Bates had never thought of himself as absentminded, but he was not used to juggling the varied responsibilities he had as father, valet, businessman, and now errand boy. No matter. Here was a problem he could solve. He pulled a small notebook from his coat pocket. Thomas was not the only businessman who could be organized. Bates peeked at the solitary reminder on the first page, Baxter - sewing machine, and returned the notebook to his pocket. Anna was hoping that Baxter would teach her to use a sewing machine and advise her about buying her own.

Mrs Hughes, Baxter, and Minnie joined Bates at the table, and he stood until Mrs Hughes was seated. "Miss Baxter ..." he began, but Baxter was speaking to Minnie.

"Minnie, aren't you feeling well. I've never known you to be so quiet."

"I have a bit of a headache, Miss Baxter, but I've already taken some aspirin. Thank you for asking."

"Miss Baxter," repeated Bates, but Thomas had entered the room, and everyone stood. Thomas nodded and sat silently. When Thomas failed to give the staff instructions for the day, Mrs Hughes peppered him with questions, to which he gave perfunctory replies. Mrs Hughes glanced at Bates with raised eyebrows, but Bates only shrugged.

What could it be this time? Did Levinson lose interest in their hotel concept? Did they lose their venue for the eclipse dance? No, it must be something else. A business obstacle would never distress Thomas; it would only excite his imagination. Something must have happened in his personal life. Bates looked at Minnie for a clue and could see that she and Thomas were avoiding eye contact. Perhaps Minnie had refused to consummate their relationship at the eleventh hour.

It disturbed Bates that a man as strong as Thomas could be derailed so easily by certain things. Daisy served breakfast, and Bates watched Thomas as he listlessly pushed his porridge around with a spoon and ate nothing. He could recognize this behaviour a mile off. He knew how quickly Thomas' emotional state could deteriorate, and if he tried to help, Thomas would brush him away like a bit of lint on his lapel. His frustration grew as he watched Thomas fill his belly with tea. He forgot himself and slammed his fist on the table, making everyone jump. He quickly apologised, "Sorry. It was a fly, but I missed."

"It's the time of year for flies," remarked Mrs Hughes.

Thomas glanced up to see Bates watching him. He dropped his head, took a bite of porridge, and choked it down. Bates turned his attention to his own breakfast. He knew that Thomas was not refusing to eat out of stubbornness but because the food stuck in his throat like a brick. There was no point in making him feel self-conscious. Bates would try a different tactic.


Late morning

Thomas Barrow's Pantry

Bates waited until the usual hour to knock and open the pantry door. He stepped inside carrying a tall glass of milk, something he knew Thomas could tolerate no matter how distressed he was.

As soon as Bates entered the room, Thomas pulled the chequebook from his desk. "I'll be paying bills this morning, so you may as well escape while you can, Mr Bates."

Bates closed the door and sat. "I've reconsidered. I probably should understand the bookkeeping process."

Thomas looked up suspiciously and caught sight of the milk. "You brought me milk?" he huffed. "I'm not an infant, John Bates!"

"The milk is for me," Bates answered calmly.

"You detest milk!"

"Don't be ridiculous." Bates picked up the glass and took a sip. God this stuff is dreadful. "How refreshing. Care for a sip?" He guessed that Thomas' stomach was churning and begging to be fed.

"No!"

"More for me then." Bates took another sip and smacked his lips. "Delicious." He set the glass on the desk. "Shall I sort the invoices?"

Thomas handed the tray of bills to Bates. While Bates categorized them, Thomas sat with his head propped in his hand and stared at the milk. At last, he picked up the glass, drained it, and set it down. "You old goat."

"Would you care for another, little brother?"

Thomas nodded silently. Bates stood and reached for the glass, but Thomas grabbed his hand. "John ... Minnie and I have had our night together."

Bates was surprised but maintained his neutral expression. "All right."

Thomas released Bates' hand and crossed his arms tightly across his chest. "She's still a virgin."

"I see." Bates returned to his seat. "Did she refuse you?"

"No," Thomas snorted. "I only wish she had. It was me, John. I couldn't do it."

"Do you mean you changed your mind or that you weren't able?"

"I wasn't able, John."

"I'm not surprised."

"What?"

"Pooh, you were so worried about the whole thing. Worry is not an aphrodisiac."

"John?"

"Hmm?"

"Has it ever happened to you?"

"Of course it has. It happens to all men sooner or later. It can happen if I'm preoccupied or tired. Are you saying it's never happened to you?"

"No."

Bates smiled and leaned back in his chair. "Oh, to be young again."

"John ... she wants me to try again."

"And what do you want?"

"I can't bear for our plans to end, John. I can't accept it. But if I try again, nothing will have changed."

"It might change, Pooh, if you change your attitude about Minnie."

"What attitude?"

"This idea of yours that she's fragile. She's a healthy, grown woman, Pooh. Tell her what you need her to do. She doesn't have the experience to know. You ask for what you want when you're with a man, don't you?"

"It's not the same thing, John! I could never speak to Minnie the way I speak to a man."

Bates sat back in his chair. "Good. Then you don't want it as much as I thought, and that's the end of it. Now you can move on with your life."

"John! There isn't anything under the sun I want as much as I want this!"

"I don't believe you. If you're not willing to suffer a little embarrassment, then how much could it mean to you?"

Thomas fell silent, and Bates waited patiently for him to think it through. "You're right, John. What's a little embarrassment? It won't kill me."

"Let me get you that milk, Pooh."

"Wait, John. I know you don't approve of our plans. Why do you want me to try again?"

"I've been waiting for you to see things from where I stand and change your mind. I'm still waiting. But this is different. If you give up, it will haunt you. You'll spend the rest of your days wondering what would have happened if only you had tried again, and you'll be miserable. I don't want that for my little brother."

"John ... I'm sorry."

"All right. For what?"

"I know I don't make it easy for you."

"No, you don't!" Bates picked up the empty glass and headed for the door. "Don't forget, Pooh, If you would at last prevail ..."

Thomas sighed. "I know. Try, try again."