Here's part 3. This part is from Jack's POV. Reviews appreciated, as always.
I'm not sure what I'm expecting her to say, but her answer takes me by surprise.
As crazy as it probably sounds, my initial reaction is relief. I'm so scared that she'll be afraid of me because of how tough I had to be when I interrogated her, and when she flinched at my touch and ran into the bathroom, I thought she was having a nightmare about me hurting her.
Suddenly, I realize I never told her about Nina. I mean, I told her about Nina, but I never told her that I was involved with Nina when Teri and I were separated. I feel a lump in my stomach as the feelings of guilt and shame and disgust with myself come back to me. I remember how tainted and dirty I felt, how it took me forever before I felt comfortable getting close to anyone again.
I never thought about it this way before, but I guess in a way I got off easy - I never had to face Teri after she found out about me and Nina. I find myself trying to imagine what would have happened if I had gotten back in time, and I realize that I don't know how I could have possibly looked Teri in the eye.
I look at Audrey again and my heart goes out to her. This would be hard for anyone, but I know it's especially hard for Audrey because she's been used before. Before she was married, when she worked as a legislative assistant for the House Armed Services Committee, she got involved with a lobbyist for a defense contractor. She said she knew at the time that it could create the appearance of a conflict of interest, but there was nothing illegal about it, and she really cared about him. She thought he felt the same way, until she found out he was using her to embarrass her father by leaking details of their relationship to the media while simultaneously making large contributions to his reelection campaign. I don't remember all the details, but I know it was part of a larger fundraising scandal that had something to do with foreign nationals.
I'm 95 sure that neither she nor her father knowingly did anything wrong but I guess the guy did a pretty good job of making people think otherwise. She had to testify before the House Ethics Committee about her private life and undergo an investigation of her finances and a whole host of other personal information. Her father decided not to run for reelection later that year, and while he always denied that what happened with Audrey had anything to do with it, I know that she still blames herself for bringing down his Congressional career. I remember how she got tears in her eyes when she recalled how for most of the ordeal her father couldn't even look her in the eye.
She was eventually cleared of any wrongdoing, but the fiasco tore her apart. It made her afraid to trust anyone, and whenever she met someone after that she always wondered if they had a hidden agenda. I think that may have even had something to do with why she entered into a marriage that she had misgivings about even from the get-go. The first time we slept together, she kind of freaked out afterwards. With a little coaxing she told me about the whole ordeal, and she admitted that it had become instinctive for her to wonder if I was just using her too. I eventually convinced her that if I was trying to get on her father's good side I wouldn't piss him off at least once a week by questioning his decisions or challenging DOD procedures that were overly bureaucratic and got in the way of doing our jobs effectively. We agreed to take a step back and take things a little slower, and we waited a little over a month before we made love again. Looking back, I realize that I needed that as much as she did. I think knowing that we were both struggling to open up again for different reasons made it a little easier to let my guard down.
For some reason I'm not sure what to do. I want to hold her but I know I should give her her space. I realize how hard it is for her to look me in the eye right now, and I don't want to push her. So I leave her sitting with her head perched against my knees and reach out tentatively to touch her shoulder.
"Audrey, there's nothing to forgive," I whisper. "You made a mistake. Nobody got hurt because of it, and besides, he may have tried to kill me, but he didn't succeed. Don't you think you're being a little too hard on yourself?"
She shakes her head.
"Did you know that Cummings tried to have me killed?" I ask, though it's more of a rhetorical question than anything. She shakes her head, which is still buried in her hands.
"Did you have any idea what he was up to?"
"No, of course not," she answers.
"Did you even know I was still alive until yesterday morning?"
She shakes her head again.
"Then there's nothing to forgive," I insist. "Come here."
I try to pull her close but she resists.
"Audrey, please. You don't have to look at me until you're ready but I just want to hold you. Come here," I say again, and this time she lets me pull her toward me, so that her back is propped up against my chest and my arms are wrapped around her stomach. I gently stroke her cheek and kiss the back of her head, feeling her slowly start to relax a little and start to accept my gestures.
"Sweetie, listen to me. I want you to know that I don't think any less of you because of this, okay?" She nods slightly, turning around quickly to steal a glance, as if to check that I really mean that. I cup her chin gently to keep her looking at me. "I know that you don't sleep around, and that you're wondering if other people think that."
"I know that probably seems really petty in light of everything," she says, blushing a little.
"No, it doesn't," I say firmly. "It sounds very you, and very human. I know you've had your reputation damaged before and are afraid of it happening again but it won't, because anyone who knows you knows that you have high moral values and that you would never do anything deliberately to hurt anyone. I know that you're a beautiful person, on the inside and out. Yesterday morning, when you found out I was alive, you had every right to react the way my daughter did but you didn't." I feel my throat beginning to get choked up. "The only that got me through the day...the only reason I felt the will to even try to stay alive...was knowing you were there for me. You were so brave, and so selfless, and I am so proud of you. And I know that when we go visit your father tomorrow and we tell him everything you've accomplished he's going to be as proud of you as I am," I add, knowing that she's probably almost as worried about what he's going to think. "As far as I'm concerned, you don't need to say anything else or explain anything else or apologize for anything," I say firmly.
I take a deep breath before continuing. I realize that as hard as it is to talk about it, I have to tell her about what happened with Nina, because I know how much she's suffering, and if there's a chance that I can make her feel better by telling her I made the same mistake she made then I have to do it, even if it's something I've worked hard to put behind me and would rather not rehash.
"But I know how hard this must be for you, and I can help, because I made the same mistake you did, and I know exactly what you're going through," I manage to spit out. Now it's my turn to hang my head in shame as she looks at me questioningly.
"I told you about the woman who killed my wife, right?" I begin slowly. She nods. "Yeah, Nina, right?"
"Yeah. I told you about her, but I don't think I ever told you that I got involved with her while Teri and I were separated."
I pause for a minute, waiting for her reaction. As crazy as it is I find myself worrying about her thinking less of me, just as she had feared when she lied to me about Walt Cummings when I had to interrogate her. I guess she can tell how I'm feeling, because she takes my hand and grips it reassuringly, giving me the strength to continue. "After Teri died, in addition to all the grief I felt, I remember the burning feeling of shame that haunted me for a long time. I think that's part of why it was so long before I could get close to anyone again...I felt so ashamed and violated and tainted that it was hard for me to be intimate with anyone for a really long time. When I was with Kate she complained that I couldn't look her in the eye. Looking back, I realize how cheap that must have made her feel, but somehow I could never bring myself to explain that it wasn't her I was ashamed of, that I was too ashamed of myself to keep my eyes open. You're the only woman I was ever able to really get close to after Teri died, and to be honest I'm not sure why, but somehow with you it felt okay...I didn't feel the same kind of burning shame anymore. Maybe it was the way you used to look at me, or the fact that after you got so upset the first time I could tell that you were as scared of opening up as I was and somehow that took some of the pressure off. To be honest, if you hadn't freaked out after the first time we slept together I think there's a very good chance I might have."
When I say that she chuckles a little in spite of herself. I take that as a cue that it's okay to get a little closer, so I gently wipe the tears from her eyes and kiss her cheek. She manages a small smile, but then starts to get choked up again. She doesn't resist when I pull her a little closer and start stroking her arm.
"I just feel so dirty," she admits after a minute. "The thought of him touching my skin, of letting him see me so exposed and get so close to me..." her voice trails off. I guess she feels my body tighten a little as I struggle to refrain from clenching my fists. I certainly don't blame her for sleeping with someone else while I was gone...how can I, when I made her believe I was dead? But somehow it's still hard to take. "I'm sorry, Jack," she says softly, looking away again. "That's probably more than you needed to hear."
"Go on, it's okay," I whisper. It may be hard to listen to her talk about this but she'll feel better if she gets it off her chest, and right now that's all I care about.
"The thought of all that is making my skin crawl and it's making me nauseous and I can't seem to get it out of my head."
"I know, sweetie," I reply, tightening my arms around her. "I couldn't get it out of my head either, and it took me a long time to even feel comfortable in my own skin again."
"So how did you?" she asks, looking at me with wide eyes, seeming somewhat reassured by what I've told her.
I take a deep breath before answering. "I don't really know. When I had to go to rehab, they made me talk to a shrink, and as much as I didn't want to admit it at the time I think it helped some. Plus, I eventually was able to see that as obvious as it seemed in hindsight it's unlikely that I could have figured out what she was up to beforehand...she made sure of that. And I wasn't the only one who fell for it...Tony..."
I stop speaking abruptly as realization starts to sink in. I don't want to think about Tony, not now. I don't want to think about the fact that if it wasn't for me, he and Michelle would still be alive and happy and together. I don't want to think about the fact that if I hadn't tried to talk him out of killing Henderson, he probably wouldn't have hesitated, and not only would Tony still be alive, but everything Audrey's suffered in the past 24 hours wouldn't have happened. I don't want to think about the fact that if I'd only gotten there a minute earlier I might have been able to save him. I don't want to think about how he probably would have resented me if I had managed to revive him. I don't want to remember how angry I was at him for giving up, or how much I empathized with him when Audrey was bleeding and I was afraid she wasn't going to make it.
I don't want to think about any of that right now, but I can't seem to push it out of my head. I could do that earlier, when we still had a threat to confront and I didn't have time to dwell, but now I'm finding it a lot harder. Audrey senses my anguish, and she tentatively takes my hand, seeming unsure whether to try to offer comfort or give me my space. I grip her hand tightly and cling to her for a minute as I struggle to control my emotions.
"I'm sorry. Just give me a minute," I manage, struggling not to get choked up. She places a reassuring hand on my arm and just sits there for a minute while I get my emotions in check.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks gently.
I shake my head. "Not right now," I answer. "I want to finish answering your question." She nods and squeezes my hand as I continue.
"When I worked with the shrink, she eventually convinced me that Teri would have forgiven me, and that she wouldn't have wanted me to spend the rest of my life punishing myself. But I'm here, and I'm telling you right now that I don't want you to feel any more guilt about this, okay? I don't want you to feel like you betrayed me because I don't see it that way. I don't want you to feel tainted or ashamed or think that you're somehow damaged goods because in my eyes you're as beautiful and innocent as you always were, okay?"
She ponders what I say for a minute, then nods slowly, turning around and looking deep into my eyes.
"Thank you," she says sincerely.
"For what?" I ask gently.
"For sharing all that with me. I know it wasn't easy to talk about it, and it means a lot to me that you were willing to to make me feel better."
"Are you feeling any better?" I ask.
She nods and manages a small smile. I wipe the tears from her eyes, then lean in and kiss her softly on the lips.
I look at her again and decide to try my hand at a little humor, hoping that whether it's funny or not it'll cheer her up a little.
"I'm glad," I say, "because I was afraid it would make you feel even worse, knowing that in addition to sleeping with someone who betrayed this country, you’ve also slept with someone who slept with someone who betrayed this country."
She looks bewildered for a minute, then chuckles as she figures it out.
I can tell she is feeling a little better as I lean in and wipe the tears from her eyes, but I am totally unprepared for what she says next.
"I have no desire to do the former ever again," she says, a sly smile creeping up along her mouth, "but the latter I'm kind of eager to try again."
I smile and lean in and kiss her softly.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah," she says. The next thing I know, she places her hand on my cheek and gives me that look.
"Now?" I ask, a little flabbergasted.
She nods shyly. I study her face for a minute, and I can tell she is serious.
"Sweetheart, I don't want to rush into anything. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"Jack, I...I really missed you," she says awkwardly, seeming a little embarrassed. "I want to be with you again. Unless you're not ready...I mean, I'll understand if you want to wait..."
"If you're ready, I'm ready," I reply. I'm nervous as hell but I want to do this as much as she does. I'm not going to deny that my body has been hungry for her ever since I helped her get changed and had to struggle to behave myself so as not to make her uncomfortable or appear to be taking advantage of her injured condition. But I think there's a part of me that also hopes that maybe this is what she needs. Maybe if I can make love to her and prove to her that I'm not ashamed of her she'll stop feeling so ashamed of herself.
"I'm ready," she says with a smile.
"Are you sure?" I whisper softly.
She nods more decisively this time and looks me in the eye.
"Yes," she says softly but firmly.
TO BE CONTINUED...
