A/N: Another thing I hate about the end of the year is the yearbook. More specifically, the yearbook pictures. When they peppy-happy yearbook committee barges into my classroom to demand to take pictures I probably won't look at past the end of the school year, they always seem to take pictures of me looking like a complete idiot.
Chapter 18: Kagome's Choice
Kagome found it very hard to control her ragged, afraid breathing as reality hit her. Because I haven't been watching Onigumo…he turned into Naraku! And tomorrow he's going to kill us!
Turning back around, her breaths still uneven from fear, Kagome saw the Shikon no Tama, glittering innocently against the faint light left by the fires of incense, on the altar. She didn't even bother to shut the doors as she walked towards it, her eyes taking in its purified glow, before sinking to her knees in front of the twinkling pink jewel.
Feeling tears form in Kikyou's eyes, her head fell forward, and she covered her face with her hands. Kikyou's white sleeves slid down her arms from such a position, but she didn't even feel the chill of night now.
What have I done? Trembled Kagome, not daring to look up. I let Onigumo become Naraku once again!
Visions of Naraku as she knew him came into her head, as he laughed maliciously while sending pangs of fear into her heart. The Naraku she knew was far too powerful, almost too powerful for them to handle. Though they tried to remain confident that they would one day best Naraku, in truth, they all knew that it would probably take a miracle to defeat him.
Still taking frightened gasps, Kagome removed her hands and looked up at the Shikon no Tama, shining with its purified aura. The Shikon no Tama…it all comes back to this…to this moment in time…
At this moment, in reality, Kikyou had chosen to turn Inuyasha into a human, for them to live together. She wanted them both to become ordinary humans, and never have to worry about battles or fighting again. She wanted to end the violence and bloodshed that surrounded the jewel, forever.
Kagome wanted that. She also wished she could stop the fighting about the jewel…she also wished that she could just leave the fighting alone and be at peace. But one thing she did not want was Inuyasha a human.
Sure, if he genuinely asked her, and really wanted to become a human, then Kagome would have obliged in an instant. But to ask him to do something like this…Besides the loss of his ears, Inuyasha would miss being a hanyou. Since he was never a full youkai, having a feeling of strength and the ability to protect something was important to him, and she knew that. He wouldn't feel like he could protect her…he would always feel weak. And Kagome didn't want to put him through that unless he himself was totally willing to go through with it.
She knew, before that she had asked him because it is what Kikyou wanted, and Kagome, knowing that there was no way to go home, decided to ask him so, at least, she could live out her days as Kikyou in happiness.
But, in that temporary giddiness, she had forgotten all about their other problem, Naraku.
That attack on the village…she remembered. It must have happened because of Naraku…so he was already a youkai then.
Kikyou's eyes once again became tragic, looking away from the jewel. What am I going to do now?
Kagome wanted to use the jewel. More specifically, she wanted to use it because it was less frightening than the other option. She had seen enough of Naraku to know that, in the beginning, without the jewel, he was not as powerful as they knew him to be now. They could easily defeat him, and so save everyone who suffered from a terrible fate, and then use the jewel, allowing them to be together and in love forever…
But Inuyasha would be a human. Kagome reminded herself. And he would think I was Kikyou, he wouldn't love me for me. He'd love me because he loves her.
It could work. After that last battle with Naraku, there would be nothing else coming after the Shikon no Tama, and they would at last be free of the fighting, together at last.
It would be Inuyasha and Kikyou together at last, not me. I am only in her body, pretending to be her. It's lying to him…I have hated lying to him all this time…could I really lie like that…for the rest of my life?
Kagome remembered the time on the dock when he had held her in his arms, promising to live life with her. She remembered the touch of his lips…her fist kiss with him…At that time, she didn't care that she was in Kikyou's form. Kagome only cared about what Inuyasha was saying, how he had loved her like that…How being in his arms felt so natural…
She decided long ago that she loved Inuyasha, but how far was she prepared to go to gain his love as well?
Besides…I can never go back to my time anyways, so it's not like I can just— As she gazed upon the jewel, a new thought hit her, something she hadn't deeply considered before…
Kikyou's dark eyes opened wider as she fully thought over this, wondering if what she had thought was true. But…if I were to die Kikyou's death…would my soul go back to its original body?
Hands trembling at this fearful thought, she discovered that everything began to add up. Nothing else I have tried has worked before. And I am still here after being Kikyou for an entire year…I have lived her life from when this all began, and tomorrow, when her life is about to end…I discover that Naraku is here…I don't know why I came, whether it was intended or a mistake, but somehow, I know, it is connected to Kikyou and Inuyasha's past…
Is that…my only other option? Her ragged breathing had returned as her heart became more fearful. Either to live life as a lie with him…or to die?
She was afraid. No, not afraid of death, but she was afraid of what happened if her hypothosis was incorrect. What if dying didn't bring her back to her body? What if she was now somehow 'Kikyou' and then it was another who was reincarnated into her body?
Can I take that risk? She wondered, It would be easier to follow along with my original plan…at least I know what will happened and that Inuyasha and I will be happy, besides…
He loves me…he loves me as Kikyou…though my heart may try to deceive me and convince me otherwise…She remembered that time on the dock earlier that day when she thought she heard him say 'Kagome' instead of 'Kikyou', and how she had forgotten that he was referring to the deceased miko until he said her name. He only loves her…and finally, I can feel what it is like to love him…
I'm lying to him, though. I could never lie to him before…well, for the most part. I feel terrible about it. It would mean continuing to lie and pretend to be someone else for the rest of my life…I don't know if I can do that…and then to see Inuyasha sad because he is no longer a hanyou, thinking that he is happy as long as Kikyou is there, loving him…
That's hard to do too.
But the other option was disturbing as well. But if I choose to follow with history and try my theory, at least knowing I have a clean conscience…I will have to die Kikyou's death. I'll have to see the form of Inuyasha killing me…to feel her physical pain, and the pain in her heart…
And the worst of all, I'll then have to shoot Inuyasha with the sealing arrow…and kill him.
A tear escaped her eyes as she thought about it. Killing him…I'll have to kill Inuyasha! But…I cannot. I love him too much…I can't do it! I can't kill the one I love!
But the thought of lying to him, she also couldn't do. She didn't know what was worse, to follow history, to die and to kill, but perhaps go back into her own body so she could forget everything else…Or to do what she had intended to in the first place, turn Inuyasha human, and live with him, lying for the rest of her days.
Sighing, Kagome closed her eyes and thought, This is the one choice that I cannot think about what Kikyou would do first. I have to make this choice on my own…but I don't want to.
Closing her eyes, she stood up, the red hakama swaying slightly as she brought her body to its full height, turning away from the Shikon no Tama to the open door. Wordlessly, even without a thought, she walked away from the purifying jewel, and out the doors, sliding them shut as she entered into the chilled night air.
The stars were twinkling overhead, while the crescent moon shined above her, but she did not turn to look at either. Shuffling down the wooden steps, and then down the long, stone ones outside of the temple, she walked into the forest, hear ears not hearing the sounds of night all around her.
She didn't even need to think to find Goshinboku, she knew its position in this time from all the times she had gone to see it. Of course, seeing it fifty years before Inuyasha had been sealed to it was a bit harder, considering that it did not have the trademark spot where Inuyasha's body had been sealed away.
When Kagome found the time tree, sitting innocently in the middle of a clearing, her eyes were full of emotion as she walked towards it, extending her hand to touch the age old wood, right to the spot where Inuyasha was to be sealed away the next day.
He was in pain when he was put under the spell…she thought. The last thing he saw was the woman he loved killing him…I don't want to do that too him again…It hurt him so much…
Kagome wondered what the Inuyasha she knew would say if she asked him what to do. Of course, he would want her to choose the first option, not wanting to see her killed. But if she asked him about not wanting to hurt him, he would probably tell her not to worry about him, but to do what she had to.
That's what he would tell me, but the Inuyasha I know isn't here right now…Shuffling closer, Kagome closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against the wood, feeling somehow like she had a bond between the past and the present.
If I choose to let Inuyasha and I live, then I could stop the war of the jewel right now. No one else would be hurt by Naraku…I could save many innocent lives by doing this…
Then the selfish thing is to die…I shouldn't do it because then it allows the Shikon no Tama to once again appear and cause all sorts of pain for everyone…I shouldn't do that, because then it will allow all that happened to happen…
Her eyes popped open and her breath stopped in her throat as she remembered, Of course…then everything that would have happened would not. I would never be born, Sango-chan would never meet Miroku-sama…we would never know each other, and I would never know them…
I would miss my world, my home, Mama, Souta, Jii-chan, Buyo, everyone. I would probably even miss school. And every minute of every day, I'd have to pretend to be someone else, I could never be myself…Never let Inuyasha know who I really am…
I would be more miserable then ever, and I could never do anything to change it. We haven't been beaten by Naraku yet…that means there is still hope that we could win…
Glancing back up at the tree, Kagome immediately turned away, seeing a red-clad form move away in the trees. Sighing, she looked down. Inuyasha…but he doesn't know what's going on…He probably thinks that I'm having a hard time with the decision…
Then a chill entered her heart. Or was that Naraku, keeping an eye on me, making sure his plans for tomorrow aren't spoiled…
Tomorrow… Slowly making her way back up to the temple, Kagome reflected upon what she would do, the next day.
Tomorrow, I will finally leave here…She reached the top of the steps, heading for the wooden door of the temple.
Tomorrow, I will do what is right, regardless of the consequences… She slid open the doors of the temple, the Shikon no Tama glittering innocently back at her.
Tomorrow, I will die…
A/N: How's that for a cliffe! Come on, its not like you didn't already know what she was going to choose anyway.
So, only two more chapters to go! I think you can guess what happens in the next chapter, though…
