Warm words and harsh truths
The forest night beyond the Elven kings hall had darkened further and the haze of snow was now a heavy curtain that obscured the trees even from elvish sight. Within those halls the world was far warmer despite the lofty chambers and soaring passageways, and in the Kings private rooms a sense of quiet comfort prevailed. The fire had been fed and the flames burned high and golden in the hearth, Galion had lit the braziers in the corners of the room and their light flickered upon the carved pillars and shimmered on the waterfall and pool that occupied one part of the king's quarters. The scent of wood and aromatic oils lie gently on the air and the sound of gently falling water overlaid any silence. The carved wooden chairs set either side of the fire were lined with deep cushions and the construction of the balcony ensured that no draught found its way into the large chamber. A low table had been placed before the fire and the butler had set upon it a tray of nuts and another of winter tartlets as well as wine.
It had been a while since Legolas had known such comforts and he was determined to enjoy them to the full, yet even as he helped himself to a handful of nuts the dark imp stirred within its binding and shouted at him 'No right, you have no right'.In his frustration he cracked the nut's shell more vigorously than he intended and sent a shower of shards across the floor. His father looked at him with some surprise and he muttered an apology averting his eyes so that the self anger there should not be seen. Yet some of the ease that had crept into Thranduil's bearing as they had eaten, talked of people they knew, or sat in companionable silence, seeped away and Legolas groaned silently, for it seemed that he had betrayed his turmoil once again.
Unable to bear the silence any longer, or the uncertainty, Legolas resigned himself to the pain that was to come and set about discovering more detail of the events since last he had sat within this room.
They started easily enough as the talk returned to Thranduil's plans for securing Mirkwood, of the forging methods mentioned in the practice halls, and of the changes being made to the design of bow and shield and lance. Legolas had been surprised by the amount of mithril being bought or made and worked for armour, yet more surprised that some of the metal and skills were being purchased from the dwarves.
An expression that he could not decipher passed over his father's face at the mention of Dain, the new king under the mountain, for it contained some conflict and indecision, things rarely seen in Thranduil's look; and yet more than that. But whatever the cause of it was there seemed to be no immediate threat to peace. For Legolas any talk of dwarves was fraught with difficulty and his father must have known it, yet his voice remained as calm and easy as when they had spoken of swords and bow. Emboldened he asked a little more about the progress of Dale and the people there and his father replied readily enough. Trade was good, more craftsmen were coming from the west now that the dragon had gone and more land was being brought under the plough. Prosperity was growing for most and nearly all if the things destroyed by the dragon fire were now renewed. Bard had certainly prospered and the new master held him in high regard. Legolas smiled to himself for it was clear that there was respect and some friendship between the Elven king and the man of the Lake and the master was probably keenly aware of that. The relationship between the people of the lake and Thranduil's realm seemed to be even stronger than before the death of the dragon.
As for the dwarves now settling in the mountain, his father said little but his few remarks implied that the the relationship between the two communities remained strained; but it was clear that they rarely met for the men of Dale were happy to act as intermediaries between them. Whatever the meaning of that earlier fleeting look it was clear that there was a formal civility between the two kings, if little liking. But, as they talked of trade and diplomatic necessities, Legolas realised that there was something more than just personal dislike of Dain in play in the relationship; though his father carefully avoided any comment on the matter. Thranduil was adamant that the dwarves would play no part in the planned extensions to his Halls. Distrust clearly remained and enough that his was willing to suffer delay to the new building rather than draw upon dwarf labour.
Regarding the extensions to his halls the Elven king made no secret of the reason, he was determined that more of his people could be sheltered within stone should it prove necessary. His Halls had always been a fortress against their enemies but now it was to be larger and stronger, harder to attack and easier to defend. His son wondered if it were more dragons that his father feared, none had been seen this side of the grey mountains since the defeat of Sauron but with Smaug gone it was possible that one might be tempted, assuming one remained. Legolas wondered what if his father knew the possibility but could not bring himself to ask.
The longer they spoke the more Legolas wondered at his father's certainty of war and about where that certainly came from. It appeared that some scouting parties were now sent south of the Mirkwood mountains, though not far into the southern part of the forest as yet. Certainly none of their people had ventured far enough to set eyes upon the fortress.
"I looked upon Dol Guldor when I was on the road and thought to go there." The words escaped him before he thought of it.
Thranduil looked both horrified and grieved at the same time.
"Why?" he asked softly, "Why would you wish to go there?" There was a shadow of fear in his voice.
Legolas hesitated wanting to confess his hopelessness and desperation of the time, then, remembering his vow not to cause unnecessary pain, he drew a deep breath and shrugged as carelessly as he could.
"Now, sitting here, I am not sure. Only that I looked upon it, the source of such evil and wondered if that evil had truly gone."
He smiled at his father.
"But caution held me back and I went no closer. It seemed deserted and yet at the same time as if the shroud of the old evil still swathed it, even though all the talk was that the power and source of that evil had departed "
The king made no attempt to hide his relief.
"I am thankful that it did! I have issued orders that our scouts must not enter that place, however quiet it may appear to be. You too must obey that prohibition once you resume your duties. It is the will of the Council, so Elrond reports, and I agree with the prohibition. Like Elrond and Celeborn I have no doubt that the entry of any into the sphere of the dark spells that bind it would bring his servants hurrying back to fell the intruder, and with dire consequences for many. Do not underestimate the spite of the dark spirits Legolas, Sauron will expend a little power, delay his return a measure, if that power can be used to inflict sufficient pain upon his enemies."
Legolas nodded and leaned forward to take a tartlet, hiding his face from his father's sight so that those clear eyes might not discern the sudden surge of self anger that threatened to once again awaken the dark imp of his despair. What would have been the outcome had they struck at the fortress whilst the spiders still menaced them, as …she…. had often wanted to do? If the little he had heard of the White Councils' cleansing of the place were true it had taken much of the power of the Lady of Lothlorien to repel the evil, too much for Elrond to follow him east immediately. Sitting here beside the fire with the danger passed for the moment the thought of what they might have unleashed upon their people by such an assault sent chills into his blood. It also caused a surge of bitterness for he had considered doing as she wished, yet another sign of his failed judgement
But as the talk continued it became clear it might it still come to such an assault, for his father spoke of the departure of the evil as but a temporary state, and with a certainty that caused his son unease. That his father had some power which had enabled him to hold the woods closest to his halls free of the creeping evil of the darkest days he had always known, but as far Legolas knew he did not possess the second sight of Elrond, though his sire was never forthcoming on the nature or extent of his power. But as he watched his father's face in the firelight he recalled the stories Lord Elrond had told of past days and deeds. His father would have known elves whose line stretched back to the elder days, perhaps even to the days before the first rising of the sun; indeed his own Sindar line extended back to the journey west. Here in Mirkwood is was easy to forget it but many of the elves who had lived in the first and second ages possessed some sense and power that men called magic; though none of them had the power of the Lady of the Wood. Was it something of that kind that made his father so certain?
Legolas pushed the thought of the future aside, tonight he must concentrate on dealing with the past, only when that was done could he venture to consider tomorrow. He realised with a start that his thoughts had been wandering and that his father was looking at him with concern. Guilt tore at him again, hadn't he caused enough pain? He had vowed he would do what was needed and do it cheerfully and without complaint if he could, and the concern and sorrow in his father's eyes was more painful to him than any spoken rebuke. He must guard his feelings better than this if he was to honour that pledge to himself.
"Forgive me if it seems my wits were wandering." He said with a slight smile. "I confess the food and fire has taken its toll after the long days on the forest road. I am still a little surprised to find myself safely home and out of the saddle."
Thranduil smiled and the sorrow melted from his look.
"But home you are my son; and I am most glad that this is the case. It gives me more joy than you know to see you here again. Take a day or two to rest and then you must make upon a record of all that you have heard upon the road. I would have it that all who need to know of events in the wider world may hear your discoveries as soon as possible. All too often our information is from official sources," he leaned forward and took a tartlet tilting his head and smiling at Legolas as he did so, "and therefore carefully composed by the sender. To know what is truly being said abroad would be of great value."
Legolas gave a rueful smile remembering the days and nights sat wrapped in misery in some remote village, barely aware that others were around him. But he would not lay that burden upon his father too, so he strove to keep his voice light and easy as he replied.
"I am not sure that anything I have to report will be of use, but it shall be as you wish."
"Good and do not think anything too trivial to be of importance. Often gossip is as good a source of information as any official report." His smile took on a sly edge. "I make a point of listening to as much of it as others allow my way, which is sometimes more than they think they allow."
Thranduil paused and consumed his tart before continuing, a slightly different note creeping into his voice as he did so.
"Did you meet no one that you knew upon the road?"
Legolas reached forward and took another one for himself; shaking his head slightly.
"No. It is as I told you. Oh, wait, but for one, I had forgotten. Strange as it seemed I met Mithrandir, in an inn upon a desolate moor. He gave me no reason as for why he should be there. We spoke a little," hesitancy entered his voice as he recalled the nature of that conversation, " but on nothing of great note, and then without warning he disappeared. Why he was there or where he went to I could not say."
Thranduil gave another small smile.
"It is his way; he arrives as suddenly a summer storm and leaves as abruptly as a spring shower."
Legolas drew a deep breath and waded into the shallows of the deep waters he knew they must cross before daybreak.
"Has you anger with him died?"
He heard his father sigh and when he answered there was an odd hesitancy in his voice.
"Anger? Not anger Legolas. Resignation, yes, and some bitterness too, for there is no doubt of his hand in Thorins's quest and therefore all the evils that followed upon it Yet he seemed unconcerned."
He smiled slightly and waved his hand in elegant dismissal of blame
"Not that evils lie within him but it sometimes seems to ride upon his cloak, or perhaps it is that he follows in its wake and yet we see him before we see it."
Legolas stared at his father surprised to see that wide and far away look in his blue eyes again as he continued.
"It can be hard to separate the cause and the effect, the leader and the follower, when matters of good and evil are concerned. We must always be watchful of seeing the one in the other. Too often have I seen the head of a fair thread drawn only for it to prove dark and twisted when fully unravelled; I have learned not to decide quickly upon the virtue of the full length of a thread from its head. It may be that Mirthrandir appears only when he will be needed."
The look faded and Thranduil gave his son a searching look.
"However I imagine that he would have declared his business had it been of importance. Perhaps he was on his way to the Shire; I hear he is fond of joining in their celebrations. But I have no doubt that his hand was in the business of Thorin and his company and as yet I still have no answer for it. Such explanation as he gave made no sense unless he has lost all bearings in the world."
"Perhaps he was travelling to the Shire, though it seemed to me there was some other reason for him to be there."
He pushed the memory of that night away and drew a deep breath for he knew they were approaching those matters that could not be avoided but that were riven with pain for them both.
"Very well I will make my report. But none here will think it the reason for my absence." He said softly. "Nor should they. Forgive me if I cause you yet more pain but there are things that we must speak of, if only tonight. I would have it done as quickly as I can."
His father inclined his head and his voice was low and soft.
"I know. Let us deal with them now and hopefully never recall them again."
That wish brought a twisted smile to Legolas's face, these things had lived with his all of his time upon the road and he doubted this night would be the last of them.
"I would wish that could be the case but I doubt it can be. It is clear enough to me what many think about the matter, about why I was there and yet not. Why I went to defend a dwarf warrior when all about me my own were fighting for their lives."
He looked towards the fire, the sight of the flames melting into a red river as memory bit hard upon him.
"If I could say that I turned aside once to help an elf on the point of defeat and death then perhaps I could defend my action, but I cannot, for I did not. I made myself blind to their fate to serve another purpose that was my own alone Yet for what? Mithrandir could have sent any to warn the dwarf if he thought it to be important, and no company, however valiant, could have held that crag when the army from Gundebad arrived. I had seen their numbers and knew that better than any."
The red river was joined by a red mist and he drew a heavy breath.
"Why then did I go, that is what they will ask? The same question I have asked myself time and time again and as yet I have no answer they could accept. A handful of dwarves had more chance of escaping from Ravenhill than a company of elf in armour. They would most certainly have been slaughtered."
Legolas bowed his head as realised how he had echoed her words, for did they not betray that she had known the certain fate of those she asked to be dispatched? Yet in her wild and ungoverned panic she had not flinched from her demand. What would she have done if his father had not disarmed her, would she have truly shot him? He could not believe that she would have brought such shame to their people, but if not then what had she accosted him for, why set the arrow in the first place? His throat and chest tightened as he remembered her look, her bitter words hurled at the king who had protected her most of her life and her shock when he had so easily disarmed her. Her silence when he had challenged her. What had brought her to that reckless point and why had he followed her so easily? How many times had he had this argument with himself without finding an answer that he could be content with? A hundred? A thousand? As many as the nights he had stared up at the stars and wished that memory would die and leave him in forgetful peace. There was no point in wallowing in it again, though he would dearly like to know what his father believed of the matter. But not now when more pressing things remained to be decided.
With a sigh he raised his head again and turned back to face his father, finding a look of sorrowing understanding in his face.
"You know why you went Legolas, as do I. There is no dishonour in it, though perhaps it was not wise."
"Is there no dishonour? At a time of war when all around me was battle and blood, when my friends were falling and we were threatened with an even greater dread, I turned away to answer the selfish prompting of my heart. A fisher man of Dale might do such a thing and be forgiven but princes of a royal line cannot if they are to hold their people's respect, I do not think that you would have made such a choice, however great your wish to do so."
Thranduil sighed.
"I would not claim that for I do not know, fate has never presented me with such a choice. But I have walked the world long enough to know that on such things there is never certainty, even about ones self. That is something you too must learn to accept."
Legolas smiled a bitter smile,.
"Yet you laid it out clearly enough did you not? The dwarves would die at some point for that is their fate; if they chose to do it then and in service of something they valued then why should they not?"
Thranduil shook his head slightly.
"I did not mean that as such. It was said, and in some anger I will admit, as a reminder of duty and perspective, to recall her to her to herself and her responsibility, and give her a chance to step back from the course she seemed set to follow. To send those whose birthright is immortality to certain is death is not something that should be done without good cause, yet was the cause good? I considered not, for there were others to warn them if it were necessary, if indeed it could be done. Nor did I consider such a warning was necessary, for there seemed no chance to hold Ravenhill and it was high enough that the dwarves would see the approaching army in time to make an escape or hide themselves. Nor could I see any reason to assume the coming hoard would make any immediate assault upon it for it would seem to be deserted. Far more likely they would seek to destroy those still fighting upon the plain and within the city, those for whom she showed little concern. To retreat and find a better and easier place to defend seemed the only sensible choice for all concerned. The coming of Eagles I did not expect."
Legolas sighed..
"Yet I did not think of that, all of my training and past should have led me down the same path and yet I had only one concern and in pursuit of it I threatened and slandered you. Before the sight of others too and there is no way that I can ever atone for that. Why should any trust to my judgement having seen it?"
He looked at his father with shame and sorrow in his eyes, raising his hand in protest as he made to reply.
"No, let me say what I must say for if I stop I am not sure that I can can begin again and I can go no longer without saying it and find any peace."
The regret was clear in the the other's face but only response was an inclination of the golden head. Legolas drew a deep breath and looked back towards the fire.
"It did not take me long to see the events in that encounter differently and I know you would not have hurt her however angry you were. I told her when I first asked her to return that you would forgive her and reminded her how long you had cared for her and protected her, I had no doubt that you would allow her to retain home and her place. Yet I was quick to forget that when it mattered. I reacted to her pain and anger and in doing so I said unthinkable and unforgivable things and placed upon you an impossible choice."
He bowed his head.
"I would beg your pardon both as my father and my king from the bottom of my heart and soul. I will not compound my crime by asking that you absolve me of the consequences. If the law and our people demand that I stand before the lawgivers and answer for them at trial then I am willing to do so."
He raised his eyes to his father's again, his hands clenched tightly in his lap.
"When I walked the to the practice halls many I passed would not look at me, their eyes drifted anywhere, set upon anything, but look at me."
He looked down at his clasped hands the flesh showing white with the tension of his grip.
"They are my kin, were my friends, elves who have risked their lives with me and for me, as I have done for them, and they would not look at me. It can only be because they did not want me to see what was in their eyes. They would not wish you to know that they looked upon your son with hatred and contempt."
Thranduil was silent for a moment looking at his son's clasped hands and the defeated slump of his shoulders. In all his centuries as king of Mirkwood, in all of the diplomatic wrangling that formed a large part of his role and daily work, never had his words mattered more than they would do now. A wrong step and his son might still be lost for ever, he had come home but clearly not because he had made peace with himself. But the king had always known this would not be easy just as the father wished that it could be. More than anything he wanted to reach out to this son of his and rock the fears away, but the time when he could that was long past and other, more difficult, ways needed to be found. Now he could only rely on words, and they would need to be the right ones.
The king rose and crossed to the balcony, leaning against a pillar staring out into the snowy night. He hoped it would make it easier for Legolas if he was not watched at this moment, and that it might be easier to say what must be said as quickly as possible.
"Neither hatred or contempt Legolas, nor did they hide their feeling, if they did, for care of me. I will not lie to you, for you are not a child or a coward and you deserve the truth. I know that you are strong enough to bear it, hard though it may seem at this moment."
He paused a moment picking the next words particularly carefully.
"There are a few who know the full truth of what happened that day and with them you have much trust to rebuild, I will not deceive you on that. There are others who know some part of it, and with them you may find a little distance and uncertainty for a while for there are things that you have done that they do not understand. But for the wider woodland realm there is much speculation but little knowledge"
Legolas sighed and Thranduil turned and looked at him again. The defeat was still there but at least he was listening; there was still hope then.
"As I said I will not lie to you, there are many who find some fault in your conduct of that day, for varying reasons, but few for whom it is a serious matter of principle or respect."
He paused to let his son take in his words before continuing; he had known that this moment would come and had given much thought to the words that he would use.
"Not all see your actions of that day in the light you saw them at the time. Perhaps that is my fault, it might have been better if I had not given you the leave to go, but that cannot be changed now and must be managed. .There are stories circulating I will admit it, but none speak of you as coward or traitor. Many know you came late to Dale having been scouting at Gunderbad and there is no shame in that. But you are right to think that there is an issue concerning your going to Ravenhill. Some believe you went to Ravenhill to kill Borg and with that they have no issue, but there were others who saw you set off and suspect that is not the full truth. It is with them that the source of the rumours lie, but most will see your deeds as nothing more than thoughtless or misguided."
Legolas shook his head without looking up.
"Pethaps that may true for some, for many even, but what of those who stood with you at Dale, will they not seek to bring me to judgement?"
Thranduil turned his back on the snow wrapped forest and came to stand behind his son, laying a gentle hand upon the bowed head.
"No one will ask that of you for there is no need. Why should there be when you did not threaten me?"
He paused for a moment as if in thought before continuing.
"I have said I will not lie to you, nor will I. The truth of it is your right. Know this then, very great as my love for you is, had you held your sword differently, had you engaged my blade rather than pressed it down, then there would have been little I could have done to help you without tearing the Realm apart. But that weakness is not in you and even in your anger you were wise enough to avoid such confrontation, some part of you remained the prince of our people and that contained your actions. Be proud of that for I am sure that in that moment you wished to cause more hurt than you did."
His hand dropped to his son's shoulder.
"As for your words to me? Well, they could be construed in many ways and my guard were sufficiently distanced that none can be sure of what they heard if I describe it otherwise. It is true that those words might be seen as a challenge to combat, which would be treason at best, or it might be seen as warning that if she died you would seek to follow her by other means. That your grief would be your death and that I should be aware of it; I believed then, as I do now, that the latter was your meaning and, therefore, so too will they."
Legolas raised a hand to grip his father's.
"Or they will for your sake. I do not think I deserve such forbearance."
"No I know that you do not, at the moment you seek anger and punishment from others in the hope that it will silence the critics within yourself. But however much hurt is inflicted from outside of you it will not resolve the conflict within. Only you can do that, you must accept what has gone before and learn what you can from it. The time may yet come when that learning will be all that stands between you and destruction."
The king's grip upon his son's shoulder tightened.
"That is not say that all will forgive you easily, and amongst those who saw what happened or heard directly from those who did be prepared for distrust and distance. It will be hard at first but I do not doubt that you will find the way to regain all our people's respect and regard and also your own view of yourself."
"What then should I do?"
"Take up your place here, work and practice as before, speak as little of the events of Erebor and Dale as you can manage."
"And if I cannot overcome the anger of those who know?"
"We will face that if we have to, but not before we have to."
Thranduil dropped his hand and returned to his own chair, taking up his wine before settling himself back and propping his feet upon the table. Legolas raised his head and looked at him, with the firelight gilding his hair, his robe open and gathered in folds upon the floor and his expression as calm as ever, it was hard for a moment to call up the image of the armoured king and warrior he had said goodbye to on Ravenhill. Yet the two were one and always had been and would be until the world was at peace, or his father passed beyond the realm of battle, either across the sea or by forgoing physical form. Legolas hoped that either were a long way into the future.
It had been one of the few things that had distracted him during his travels, the relationship between mortals and their children; it was something no elf would ever understand. No more would men understand the nature of the family relationship for the elves, a bond that could last almost unchanging for eternity. At this moment he was very glad which race he belonged to.
He realised that his father was watching him again with tilted head and a serious expression and the feeling of tension crept back into him.
"There is something else you wish to ask me is there not?"
Tharnduil's voice was gentle but it was clear that he would not allow the last hurdle to go uncrossed. Legolas drew a deep breath and nodded.
"Yes, and I would ask that you deal with it as firectly and truthfully as you have dealt with all other questions."
The king was silent but bowed his head in agreement.
"Did... " Legolas found that his lips would not frame the name "she …..return home?"
