It was not even 8:00 a.m. yet but Jumin felt as if he had been sitting behind his office desk for an entire day already. This feeling of exhaustion that pulled him down so badly was totally unfamiliar to him. Of course, there had been times when he had been tired or even entirely exhausted but he had never hit a level of exhaustion this high and complex before. So high and complex that he was not even sure himself if he could bear it or not and this feeling scared him. It had never been a problem for him to remain his cool and clear state of mind no matter the circumstances as his ability of always being professional and quick-minded was something he had always considered one of his biggest talents.
However, this time everything was so different. He wanted to surrender to this all-consuming urge to sleep so badly while at the same time he felt so restless that he did not even know how to close his eyes. He felt so empty and yet he was so full of emotions, thoughts, fears and desperation that emptiness began to transform into a synonym for hope. Just a little bit of hope to cling on to, which made Jumin want to burst out into ironic laughter because hope, the epitome of unpredictability and non-measurability, was something he just could not take seriously.
He had been awake for the entire night thinking about V whom he could not reach, Luciel and MC planning to head out to Mint Eye and possibly being in danger, Rika's true personality and the party they were supposed to hold and which they had worked on so hard. They could not just cancel it even given the questionable circumstances.
And then there was also Zen who had been on Jumin's mind almost every other minute now. Zen's face, something he had written in the messenger or his voice would just suddenly pop up in Jumin's head leaving him confused and full of questions. He did not know how to classify these thoughts or how he should name the feelings, they provoked in him. It was just ridiculous. That was the only possible description for it. „Ridiculous…" he said quietly and grabbed one of the documents he had to go through and which had already been sitting in a huge pile in front of him for the past hour staring at him as if they wanted to shame him.
Suddenly someone knocked on his door. He usually would not react very pleased about anyone disturbing him while he was working. Especially not this early in the morning and after him not having been able to sleep for an entire night. But this time he actually was happy about any form of disturbance because disturbance meant distraction. This was the only way to force his brain to forget about his troublesome thoughts even just for a minute. „Come in!" he said and adjusted his posture just to not come across as tired as he actually was. It was Jaehee, his chief assistant, carrying a tray with a coffee cup and a glass of water.
„Mr. Han", she said placing the tray on his table. „This is already your third double espresso..." Jumin grabbed the cup and emptied it in one single gulp. „So?" he answered sounding ever so harsh and annoyed. „I..." Jaehee started timidly which was very unlike her. She was a loyal assistant who knew how to behave as Jumin's employee. She knew when to talk and when not. How to handle things in Jumin's interest and how to act properly. However, she also knew that even if Jumin was her boss he respected her enough so that she would not have to be afraid of speaking up in front of him. They were close enough to know that they could trust each other no matter what. Moreover, she knew that she could be honest with him.
But Jaehee was not just a capable assistant to Jumin Han. She was also one of the persons who knew him best. Thus, Jaehee saw very well that her boss was in a terrible state even if almost anybody else would have probably said that he just looked like his usual self: A competent, handsome man in total control of himself.
„I know this should not concern me too much..." Jaehee continued. „...but given the circumstances of the current events... I am worried about you, Sir." This was not the form of distraction that Jumin had hoped for the moment he had heard Jaehee knock on his office door. He did not need another physical reminder of his worries. Without deigning to even look at her for a second Jumin grabbed a random piece of paper in front of him and pretended to continue working.
„Mr. Han...?" Jaehee asked. „Did I ask you to speak?" Jumin replied still looking at his document without even reading a single word. „I was just..." Jaehee could not finish her sentence as she was immediately interrupted by her boss: „You were just what? Wondering about my personal feelings?" Jumin stood up and moved to the window so that he would not have to face his assistant any longer. „Personal feelings are called personal for a reason. It is none of your business." Jaehee was of course used to being treated harshly by Jumin every now and then sometimes even quite often but this time she knew that she could not just let it go like she usually did by telling herself „This is just typical Mr. Han." Jaehee was certain that she needed to dig deeper now. He would never admit it but she was sure that Jumin needed some sort of comfort even if that meant facing the ugly thoughts and even if she would be the one who would have to suffer by serving as the outlet for his negative feelings.
„I beg your pardon Sir but this is very well part of my business as well." Jumin turned around now facing his assistant. „I am your assistant," Jaehee continued. „And not just that. I am also a member of the RFA. I am affected by all the troubles that haunt you right now because they haunt us all. You probably did not get proper sleep last night. So did I. So did Zen and Yoosung. And I don't even want to picture what MC and Luciel went and still go through. And seeing you in the state you are right now worries me because I care for your wellbeing. And being your assistant and your fellow RFA companion your state of mind definitely counts as my business as well."
For a very brief moment, Jumin was speechless. He tried to process what Jaehee had just said to him in this very distinctive strict but also caring tone of hers but he could not. He could not decide whether her words made him angry, or better angrier, or sad or actually happy and even proud of her. He just did not know what to say and this, for sure, made him feel very uncomfortable and that was something he could not take. "Is that so?" he said calmly but his voice sounded dark and cold.
Then there was silence as Jaehee did not know whether to repeat herself or not. "IS THAT SO I ASKED!" Jumin said again but this time much louder. He was on the edge of screaming, which was very unlike him and it thus made Jaehee wince in shock. "Yes, Mr. Han." she answered. "No! Jaehee! No, it is not! This is an international business environment and not your local telephone helpline. And that means your worries are totally out of place. Speaking of the RFA, I also believe you have more important work to do right now than holding pathetic speeches. So may I ask you to leave my office now and go back to work?" Jaehee was shocked and she could not believe her ears. Never did Jumin's words sound so mean to her. Never had his words hurt her this much. And without even answering Jaehee turned around and left Jumin's office.
Back at her desk, she was close to crying. Not that it was not already enough to deal with the worries about the RFA, now she also had to cope with Jumin's shitty behavior, which she did not deserve at all. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in while constantly telling herself inside her head that he did not mean it. She let her breath out. He did not mean it. This was not against her. Jumin was just angry and sad and worried due to all that was going on around him. She took another deep breath in. This was not against her, she told herself over and over again inside her mind. But breathing slowly was not really helping much and also her inner mantra was not as strong as she had hoped it to be. She grabbed her purse and started looking for her phone. When she found it, she connected her earphones to it and started one of Zen's songs. Hearing her idol's soothing voice helped immediately. She felt her heartbeat going back to normal and her skin losing the goose bumps it had previously won. She unlocked her computer and continued working as precisely and quickly as usual.
Jumin leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. In front of his inner eye he now saw his assistant's shocked face again. This last look on Jaehee's face with her eyes starting to tear up… he had no memory of her looking at him like this ever before. It was really unlike her to act like this. Or was it? Maybe it was not her who acted strangely but him? He leaned his arms on the table and buried his fingers in his raven hair. He wondered if he had been too harsh to Jaehee. She was right with everything she had said. He was tired and worried, and he was not his usual self and above all, he longed for someone to share this burden with. However, this was not something he could simply admit. He just could not expose his messed up feelings especially not in front of one of his employees, not even Jaehee. He had to be worthy of his well-known name. Worthy of his father. Worthy of the expectations everyone laid upon him. But how could he call himself worthy of all of this if his personal feelings made him shout at his assistant who just tried to help? "I am pathetic…", he said to himself knowing that this was the truest thing he had said the entire morning. He stood up and left his office.
Jaehee's office door was closed which was very unusual as she normally left the door open so that she could hear whenever Jumin was asking for her through the corridor. Like this, she also signalized that she was always easy to reach for Jumin and others who needed her assistance. Jumin knocked on the door. Once, no answer, twice, no answer. Then three times. Still no answer. He opened the door and saw Jaehee typing in a highly focused manner while listening to music on her phone. Jaehee, however, only realized that someone was in her office when Jumin already stood next to her and called her name: "Jaehee?" Jaehee winced as if Jumin had given her a heart attack. Her phone fell to the ground and one of her earphones now dangled in front of her chest while the other was still in her ear. The music, however, now filled the entire room. It was a slow and calm song sung by a deep male voice, which at the same time sounded ever so soft and strangely calming. Jumin bent down and picked up Jaehee's phone. "What are you listening to?" he asked while handing Jaehee her phone back. She grabbed it quaveringly. "Zen… Mr. Han. I… I am sorry… I just needed… I… I wanted…. I will put it away immediately." She was in the middle of wrapping the headphones around her phone and putting it back in her purse as Jumin shook his head. "No, no it's fine. If it helps you concentrate, please go ahead. Thank you for your hard work." He turned away and moved towards the office door. Jaehee could not help but smile a little. "Mr. Han, was there anything you wanted?" Jumin stopped and faced his assistant. "No… never mind. The matter has resolved itself." "Very well, Sir, if there is anything else, just call me." "I know… thank you." He opened the door and stepped out but then stepped back in again immediately "One thing!" he said quickly. "Yes, Mr. Han?" "What is the song called you were just listening to?" "Still love." "Thank you." Jumin left the room and closed the door behind him. Jaehee should have her personal space now.
He went back into his office, took his phone out and opened the YouTube app. He typed in "Still love – Zen" and clicked on the first video that appeared. He put his earphones in and crossed his arms on the table. And with his head resting on his pillow like arms he listened to Zen's voice echoing through his head and without really knowing why he started to feel at ease for the first time that day.
