As others see us
The journey towards the mountains was slower than they had hoped it would be for the weather had worsened after they turned away from the river, the blizzards rolling down from the dark mountains ahead, the thickening curtains of ice slivers soaking them and straining even elven sight. Frequent stops were necessary to brush the weight of ice from their horse's coats and legs and to clean the snow from the wheels and coverings of the carts. The elves pulled their hoods about their ears and stared closely at the ground ahead looking for any sign of the pitfalls that lay below the thickening white carpet.
Nor did it ease much as they turned further into the trees, for the weight of the falling snow had pushed aside the bare branches or alighted upon them in layers that finally fell to earth, leaving drifts piled around the trunks of the trees and turning the smaller bushes into icy pillows. By the time the first of the mountains was in sight on the horizon, and the beech and oak were giving way to fir, everything around them was wrapped in a white haze of snow and ice, a dusty layer that all too often slid from the narrow needles to seek refuge beneath their hoods and down their necks.
Though they all wished to be at their destination as quickly as possible they took no risks and slowed their progress to a snails pace to protect their horses and the cart wheels. Members of the company now took it in turns to dismount and reconnoitre the snow shrouded land to front and side, looking for the places the horses could tread in safety, whilst others alternated between leading the spare horses and assisting the provisions carts over the slippery land. As they hauled and shouldered one drift caught wagon after another back on to an even footing Legolas wondered why he had not remembered how hard this journey could be. For a moment he stopped and mopped the sweat from his brow, sighing as he saw another cart tilt and slip, and he wondered how his father had managed to do the full circuit alone during his absence.
There were no more convivial nights by the fire now, they were approaching the places where the shadow had been deepest in the time before Sauron fled Dol Guldor and more caution was needed. Despite the exertions of the daylight hours night watches were doubled and groups of guards placed at intervals around the perimeter of the camp. When dusk fell those members of the company who were not needed to stand guard wrapped themselves in their cloaks and slept beside the fire or found themselves space in the communal tents. Legolas had a tent of his own as befitted his status but he insisted on sharing it and not only because of the weather.
For Legolas had heard something he would have wished not to have heard, and, as a result, he was determined that his isolation must end before they rejoined his father.
It had been the night before they left the route of the River Running and turned towards the forest edge, two sunsets after the parties had separated, and when he had been feeling the loss of his father's company so very badly. He had retired to his tent after eating and had applied himself to his report for as long as it had taken for a lamp to burn away, then, feeling cramped by the hours writing, he had decided to stretch his legs before retiring.
Above him the cloud had swathed the stars and though the snow had not yet started to fall he had known that it would not be long before it began. For a moment he hesitated beside the group of elves still huddled by the fire
"Snow before morning, will that cause us delay or detour? I am no longer sure of the state of the roads around the mountain foothills." He asked.
One, a guard captain looked up at him and shrugged.
"It may slow us in reaching the edge of the mountain path my lord but once we have we will be in the shelter of the trees as far as the foothills,"
He nodded.
"I thought as much but my father said this winter had been particularly hard and I recall a place or two where the drifts can be formidable."
That brought a laugh from more than one of the elves still basking in the fire glow.
"Yes it is true that road can be hard if the snow fall is heavy," one added, " there are a few places where the horses struggle even though an elf may pass."
"A gentle walk in the snow for us all then," he had said with a smile before turning away from the fire and striding out towards the darker perimeter of the camp.
He had walked the circle of the camp, past the dormitory tents and the tethering point of the pack horses, and he was nearly back at his own tent when he caught the sound of elven voices off to his right. Afterwards he would wish many times that he had done as he would once have done, called out a greeting and moved on, but the gnawing sense of uncertainty, the continuing doubts about what other elves thought of his return, had suddenly risen up and he had moved into the shadows and listened. Had he been five minutes earlier or later the conversation might have been unconcerned with him but as it happened fate decreed otherwise.
"Do you think he knows, that he has realised?"
"Who? The king? Oh I'm sure he knows; he misses very little, even when they try hard to keep it from him."
"No, I mean Legolas, do you think he knows?"
"Knows what exactly?"
"About Tauriel." the name came out as if the speaker wished to distance himself from the word.
Legolas knew then that it would be best to turn and walk away, to return to his report or his blankets with his curiosity unsatisfied and his dignity intact, but his guilt was like a healing wound he could not stop touching and instead of heeding sense he slipped back into the deeper shadows.
"Oh her, knows what? That she is in Dale? I expect so I don't think the king will risk keeping that from him. She has caused enough grief, and more than grief, between father and son already; the father at least will take care not to allow her the opportunity to cause any more."
"Not that."
"What then?"
"Why she abused his trust as she did.
There was a moment of silence and then a third elf, one whose voice was very familiar, a voice Legolas recognised as that of a comrade of long standing, spoke slowly.
"Legolas is not a fool and there is more of his father in him than it might seem at the moment, he will not have shied away from the considering events clearly, or of seeing the truth of them, these last seasons."
The first one spoke again.
"Are you so sure? Why now? She had long become opinionated and overbearing, always convinced that she knew more than others, that she was a better judge of matters, despite her little knowledge of the world, and yet he never seemed to see it.."
"More than that!" The second speaker exclaimed. "He seemed to condone her faults. I was of the king's guard the day they brought the Orc in and heard all that happened, and I tell you that at one point she would have killed the creature, captive as it was, in her rage had the king not intervened. It was clear that he felt she had lost her reason at that moment for he sent her away. I saw her face as she passed us and there was both great hatred and bitterness in her expression. It occurred to me then that her anger was not only directed at the Orc but that at the one who denied her the revenge she so clearly sought. Yet the prince made no protestat it, he even seemed to encourage her."
The third elf sighed heavily before he replied.
"Ah well I doubt he meant it to be seen as such and she had been as his sister in all but blood after all, at least until he confused those fraternal feelings with his desire for a family of his own."
"I do not think that fraternal feeling is the answer," the second elf replied. "for though he made no protest at her actions, seemed almost to approve them, he was quick enough to censorious comment when his father killed it, and, not only, I think, because the king had said he would set it free."
"I wonder why he did so?" the first voice asked. "He sent her away for her attack upon the prisoner and yet he killed it scarcely minutes after doing so, and the prince said that it told him little enough."
"That was strange," the second voice replied, "we were turned away from them and so saw nothing but I can say that there was no warning from the king, no threat or taunt was made. Just a silence whilst the Orc gloated about its master serving the one and the world burning and then the sound of a sword drawn and a thud as its head fell to the floor."
"Perhaps he felt no need to warn it."
"Perhaps not, but what of the prince? Legolas was standing next to the creature and with a knife at its throat by the sound of its' breathing and its' voice. Why strike then when there was a risk that he would harm the prince, or at least foul his blade and so fail his object?"
"Well we all know how quick the king is, and the sense he has of his weapon and his enemy. Yet even so it is indeed strange that he struck then and in that way." The first voice replied.
"I thought so and I discussed with my companion when our watch was over and we agreed it was as if the king acted on impulse and not with any intent, at least from what we heard. Also, when the king walked away there was a strange look in his eyes as if something dire from the past had reached out and caught him and he had not quite returned to the present."
The third voice now made itself heard again.
" We cannot know what was in the king's mind at that moment and he would have been within his right to execute the Orc, yet as you say why do so then and there if there was no special circumstance? There was no imperative for it to be done at that moment and perhaps something to be gained by not doing so. Something certainly caused his actions but none of us can say what." There was a sigh, "As for Legolas, I can no more explain that actiion than some others, but her action may be a factor for it is true that she had had influence over him for some time. It was his ill luck that she was as she was for that influence had not been to his benefit. It is perhaps a sign of state of things with him that he did not comment on her assault but did upon his father's, for surely hers' was an equal sin, if not the greater. I did not know of this matter but it accords with what I had seen myself; that he was approaching a state of mind where he could no longer see her or himself clearly."
Legolas felt a sudden surge of dread but could not turn away.
There was a pause then the third voice spoke again slowly and with obvious reluctance.
"Were you there the day we came upon the dwarves?"
"No." the other two answered in unison,
"Well had you been you would have seen and heard what I mean, it was an example of how Legolas had changed as he convinced himself that he had become enamoured of her; though if that was the cause of the change I could not say, only that the two events seem to have coincided."
"What changes do you speak of?"
" Well…. It was perhaps a sign of things to come and maybe those of us who saw it were at fault in not remonstrating with him. But…..Legolas and I have spent many a watch together and walked many patrols side by side and I thought I knew him well, yet on that day I found that I did not. Previously he had shown much of the composure and restraint of his father, not surprising for he was trained to be a prince, and like his father he is even tempered and generally good humoured. I had never heard him be spiteful or wantonly cruel before that day, whatever the provocation. Yet when we came upon those dwarves he most certainly was both, and in a manner most unbecoming and unnecessary. Some of his remarks would have earned him a stiff reproof from his father had he heard them, for they were pointless taunts, almost childish in their nature, and a prince should be above such things. It is my judgement that he behaved so because of her presence. Nor was that the only change in him, at times, and as her influence upon him grew, he barely seemed like an elf at all, Sylvan or Sindar, but more like a surly son of men."
In his hiding place Legolas felt shame set flame to his face for he had no difficulty in recalling the remarks his friend referred to. Looking back he could no more defend them than he could his actions in Dale, such ill tempered words aimed at prisoners should indeed have been beneath him, and had he heard anyone else make similar remarks he would have reprimanded them for it.
A sound from the trees behind them silenced the voices whilst the sentries listened, then, satisfied that it was nothing more than a scurrying rat, they relaxed and returned to their speculations.
"But do you think he knew of her wider hopes?" the second speaker resumed.
"I hope not for his sake." That was the third voice again. "He has been my friend and comrade for far too long for me to wish him such ill. As it is it hurts me to see him so quiet and unsure, I'd not see his mood of self doubt and regret deepened further. I would not see him suffer under the lash of guilt any longer."
"There are those who would see more than that if they could persuade the King." That was the first speaker again.
"True enough and I can understand why that might be," the second elf replied. "Treason and threatened kinslaying was what she did, there is not much worse that could have been done! But he took no real part in that even though he protected her from being taken, and it was done at the heat of battle. If the king will be merciful no other has cause to complain, it was his life she threatened after all. "
"They would say it was the realm she threatened and all within it." The first voice said.
The third replied with a hint of humour in his voice, the first since the conversation had begun.
"Yes I know, though I doubt she thought so far ahead or indeed thought of the consequences of her actions at all, for she rarely did. Perhaps we should not surprised, she had long passed considering the rightness or otherwise of her conduct or its cost to others. Let us hope that he does not petition his father for her return."
There was a rustle as the guards shifted position and Legolas dropped into a crouch determined not to be caught listening yet unable to drag himself away. The familiar third voice spoke again, the tone of his voice losing the humourous edge and becoming sad and contemplative.
"He must know it could never be done, and that aside I do not think that he hopes that she will return, not now. Whatever there was in the past it will be easier for him with some distance between them. But he is the King's son and there will come a time when he has to travel the road to Dale, and seeing her might still cause him grief."
There was a moment's pause and then the first voice came again.
"It does not seem that he has left his grief behind at all, for no one meeting him now would guess at his previous manner, he a seems to have lost both balance and merriment."
"True enough, and hope too." The third elf replied. "Even when he is not sad his mood seems heavy and shadowed. I find that I have to remind myself who it is I speak to when we converse. Though perhaps time is all he needs for he seemed much happier, more like himself, during the midwinter feast. I hope that he can put this dark mood aside for I would not wish to think my friend of so many long watches was lost to us for ever."
Legolas could bear no more and rising carefully he edged slowly away from the little group and then slipped away back to his tent wishing with all his heart that he had continued writing. He sank down upon his bed and dropped his head into his hands and remained there reflecting on that conversation, for it had opened up new doubts in his mind. The comments disturbed him profoundly for they hinted at something more deep rooted than just his impetuous actions at Dale. How much more of his earlier conduct did he need to apologise for, how many others had he hurt or embittered? What other slights and grievances was his father having to forgive him unmarked? As for Tauriel, how he had not noticed that she was unpopular when it had just been spoken of as common knowledge by those who had cause to know, her fellow guards? He had known that she had few friends amongst the wider community but he had always considered that the price of his father's protection of her, assuming that others saw her as being someone they could never be truly at ease with; yet his eavesdropping suggested that her separation from others was more a product of her own conduct than his fathers shadow.
Much though he did not wish to recall those time he found his mind drifting back to a conversation beside the river. He had promised her his father's forgiveness and she had shrugged if off as if the wishes of the one who had given her shelter and a home for most of her life had been unimportant, and without even giving them consideration.
His fingers knotted themselves in his hair as the memory played out in the unforgiving brilliance of hindsight.
She had said she would not forgive herself, that they too were of the world, and yet for all the fine sentiments, the noble phrases, what concern had she really shown for that world; or for anything other than her own desires? What she done after abandoning her duty and leaving his father's halls, other than chase a dwarf? Where were the actions of compassion and wider service she had hinted at? There were none. How had he not noticed that at the time?
When the news came that she was to be banished she had seemed amazed, and yet what could she have expected, given that she deserted her post and disobeyed her king's instruction to return to it? It was true she had protested when he had also refused to return but other than that one protest she had made no attempt to dissuade him from ignoring his father, and she had never hidden the fact that she expected him to come to her aid regardless of the consequences. No doubt she had expected as much in Dale, and he in his blindness had obliged her. If he had not done so then he doubted she would have gone to Ravenhill at all, for his father had been right when he had said that nothing had stood in the way of her doing so. A king had wider concerns, not least the wellbeing of his soldiers and his Realm to weigh in his decision, but what other considerations did she have?
Even the object of her interest had died because of her action, no wonder his kinsman wanted no news of that to spread!
Legolas had sprung to his feet at this point unable to sit still any longer and had hurried out into the winter's night again to seek the shelter of the darkness. Seeking out a large beech tree he had noticed when they made camp he climbed it and settled himself as close to the stars as he could manage to complete the confrontation of his memories.
XXX
Andias looked across at his wife and smiled; their youngest child slept peacefully in her lap, the small face clean and wrapped in the bliss of childish sleep for the first time in many months. As if feeling his eyes upon her Esamrith looked up and smiled at him, the pinched look of long months of worry and little food had not faded but already a faint colour could be seen in her cheeks and the dull hopeless look had faded from her eyes.
"They say we will be on the move tomorrow, that this snow will have passed by then and it will be possible to move towards the road." He said with a smile.
"Will they take us in these Lakemen do you think?" she said softly.
He nodded.
"I believe they will, though their welcome may be a little grudging given that we are not of their lands and they owe us nothing."
"But you think they will allow us to remain?"
"Yes, for the sake of their goodwill with the Elvenking if nothing else, for he must be nightly powerful in these lands and I think he requests sanctuary on our behalf."
She looked down at their sleeping child with a smile.
"How strange it is, for the little I have ever heard of elves does not tally with what we have found here. I have always heard of them spoken of as sly and evil and ever willing to sell men into slavery. Yet not one kick or blow has there been, no groping hands or sneering looks, the children and the sick have been dealt with most kindly and they have fed us from the food they eat themselves. I cannot believe that they would treat us so only to pass us into bondage."
"No more do I. Nor do I have any complaint to make of our treatment, and indeed given all that has happened to us these last years I would as well have this strange Elvenking as my Lord as any man I have known in the east."
She shot him an enquiring look.
"Strange you say, and yet why so? He is beautiful I will grant, far more so than any I have ever seen, but they are all of them very fair it seems and he is their king, is it strange then that he is fairest of all? But not just fair, they all of them have a glow that I have not seen in any man."
Andias shook his head.
"It is not his appearance, though I'll not disagree that he is fairer than any I have ever seen. Nor is it his height and strength when we had been told that elves were small and weak, or the lack of blemish upon one who is so clearly a warrior. But there is something else about him that I cannot find words for."
Esamrith smiled softly.
"Well he is lordly and regal it is true, more truly like a king of the ancient tales than those that live now, in our home lands at least. He would look royal and powerful even if dressed in workman's clothes."
She looked down at her child while she considered.
"Kind I think, but separate. Yet why would he not be when his concerns must be so different to those of yours or mine?" She stroked their daughter's head, a slight frown coming to her brow, "I think they are heavy too, for I have seen him about the camp a little and when he looks upon us it seems as if the weight of the world falls upon his shoulders and I wonder what he thinks. Yet even then I do not fear ill from him."
Andias looked across the camp towards the king's tent and nodded.
"Yes I have seen that look too, as if he beholds at the same time both a black memory and the foresight of a doom yet to come. Perhaps that is what I feel but cannot say; perhaps he has the ability to see things yet to come. Or maybe…..yes perhaps that is it."
His wife shot him a questioning look and he smiled softly, reaching out to touch the sleeping child.
"They say", he said slowly, "that elves are immortal, if that be so perhaps it is the weight of the past he has seen that I feel when I come close to him. For there is something I have never met before that hangs around him like a heavy cloak."
His wife nodded.
"Certainly there is a far seeing look in his eyes; and a sense of patience as if he has seen all things and endured them, that nothing now may surprise him. Yet I do not see it as heavy, though he is not as merry as most of his company, to me he seems as bright as day, like a new filled lamp set in a window to draw you safely home. I would happily dwell within his lands if he would allow it for I cannot imagine that I would ever wish him ill, or that he would willingly cause me to."
Her husband sighed.
"I too, but it is clear he thinks that we would fare better with those closer to our kin. Perhaps he is right for we know little of his people other than this company, perhaps they would not accept us, or maybe there is no land free that we could farm without depriving others. Still I will trust to his goodwill and his provision for us, and should it prove to be a false move then I will travel to his forest willingly to beg his aid."
He smiled and grasped her hand.
" For the moment let us just be grateful for his care of us and take this opportunity for a little respite from our troubles."
XXX
In his tent Thranduil studied the reports of his outriders and scouts, watching as his scribe mark the maps with signs to show where ditches needed to be cleared and renewed, where trees had fallen and where bridges required to be repaired. Each one would have a list of skills and materials needed to complete the work and the names of the craftsmen and villages to whom it would be allocated. Consulting with his stewards about the timing and and supply of materials was a tedious business but necessary and so he didn't begrudge the extra days delay. For the weather had closed in again not long after they made camp, a hard wind surging from the mountains driving snow before it, and so it had not been possible to send the easterlings towards the road. Unwilling to leave them with only a small guard he had given the order that they would wait a further day and so they had remained encamped, hoping for the wind to drop. By the time dusk was falling it had abated and the clear sky spoke of a still night and a hard frost to come, seeing it he gave the order to be ready to move on when the sun rose.
"Are the easterlings likely to find a welcome amongst the men of the lake my lord?" Galion asked as he brought in a jug of warmed wine and set it beside the king's right hand.
Thranduil looked up from his maps.
"I see no reason why this small group should not be. There are no warriors amongst them, the few able bodied men are clearly farmers and herdsmen. If the lake men cannot accommodate them then I will petition Dale on their behalf. Bard well knows that the land around the city must be brought back under the plough if all are to be fed as Dale is occupied again, there is land to the south and the east that has long been desolate that now must be tilled again. But if all else fails, and if I must, then I will settle them on Elven land beyond the forest, in that area made barren by the dragon."
Galion frowned.
"My lord, do they deserve such considerations? They are friends of the dark one after all."
The king dismissed the comment with a wave of his hand.
"I doubt this group are, or that they know much of the Sauron or the past at all. None seem schooled in anything other than husbandry. Tales told around a fire of a winters evening perhaps, but nothing more than that. I have had the company pay close attention to their conversations since we found them and unless they are more skilled at pretence than seems likely they are only concerned with their children and finding their next meal."
He paused for a moment then smiled slightly.
"But it would be wise to be as sure as we can be. Give them wine Galion, now they are fed they should be able to tolerate it."
"My lord?" Galion asked in confusion.
Thranduil's smile widened.
"Wine, Galion, enough to loosen their tongues and steal away their caution if they have any. I have often observed that the children of men become most informative after a little wine. So give them wine, though not too much for they will have drunk little but water for some time if what they say of themselves is the truth. Then tell the captain of the guard to set the company to notice what they say. If there is cause for concern in their conversations then report it to me immediately."
As Galion left Thranduil sat back and poured himself a glass of wine and stared at it for a moment. He was nearly sure that they were what they seemed to be, and he would cause them no further harm or grief if that proved to be the case; but he would not forget that Sauron had had many unlikely servants in the past. Yes, it would be wise to be as sure as could be before he sent them anywhere.
XXX
Whether it was the silence of the trees, he still could not hear them even as he sat in one, or the lingering echoes of Sauron's shadow Legolas didn't know but his thoughts had become more bleak and bitter as the night progressed. Over and over again he heard the comments of those guards, who had been his friends and comrades, echo around his head.
"Why she abused his trust as she did."
"But do you think he knew of her wider hopes?"
"He has been my friend and comrade for far too long for me to wish him such ill."
Well he could accept that she had abused his trust now that he would let himself see it. He had followed her to grief and ruination and asked for nothing in return, yet there had been no word of thanks or recognition even as they had travelled to Ravenhill. In fact there had been no conversation at all, she had achieved her objective and that left nothing more for her to say to him. No mention of his father and her challenge to him, no reassurance of her intentions, no profession of regret; he had been left as uncertain as to what she had intended by that act as when it had happened. At the time he had not wanted to think of it, because his anger had cooled as they travelled to Ravenhill and the first shoots of doubt had appeared. The further he got from that street the more obvious it became to him that if his father had intended her harm she would have been dead before his intervention. By the time they were clear of the city the enormity of what he had just done had sunk in and all of his past had risen up and pierced his confidence in his actions, the reaction turning his mouth dry and knotting his stomach.
Then they had been fighting for their lives and all else had passed from his mind until he had stood alone and watched her cradle the dead dwarf, at which point he had realised the full implication of his deeds and the chasm they had opened up between himself and all of those whose love and respect he had relied upon since his birth.
In that moment the darkness had dropped upon him and he had known that he had sacrificed everything that mattered for an illusion, a dream of one who didn't care for him at all. He had destroyed the things he valued, that had defined his life, for something that had never had any reality or worth.
He hadn't expected his fathers compassion, and if the truth were told he would rather have not been treated as a much loved son at that moment, it would have been far easier if he had been able to hold on to the anger and the twisted image of the confrontation in Dale. But however much he wanted to he could not, and though great was his despair at that moment he could not take the words back. Regardless of his fathers forgiveness he had known that he could not return. In the years afterwards he had wondered what his father would have done if he had not left of his own volition.
But what of those wider hopes they had spoken of, what else had others seen that he had been blind to? His father had hinted that there was more behind her infatuation with the dwarf than the obvious, but what might it be? If she wanted rank then all she had to was to encourage him in his preference for her, for he would never have doubted the rightness of their bond had she accepted him. His father would not have forbidden it, whatever his private feelings, why would he? He might have wished for a closer blood tie with one of the other elven lands but he would never have demanded it of his son, no elven father would, though he knew the sons of men often did. No, had she pledged herself to him, the king's son, she would have been a princess of their Realm and entitled to stand amongst the highest of the Elf Lords in any gathering. Had his father sailed, or, Valar forbid, died in battle then she would have been queen of the largest remaining elf lands in Middle-earth. What hopes could be wider than that? If it was not that she had wanted then what could it be, and what ill could befall him in knowing it?
As the night aged and he came no nearer to understanding he pushed the thought away and turned his mind to what he might do to shed the appearance of hurt and suffering he so obviously still wore. He had relied enough on sympathy now was the time to reclaim himself. For his friends and his fathers sake he must turn his back on the shadows of that day, it might require that he play an outward part that he did not feel inside himself, but if turning his life into a play would convince others that he was healing and give them ease in his company then a play it would become.
The only question was what part he should adopt, by dawn he had decided that while he could no longer play the part of the hero he might master the lines of the hero's friend.
