AN: Baaad author. Very bad. I've been extremely busy catching up on work and such, then I simply had to take a vacation. Sorry to those who thought I dropped off the face of the earth. My apology: two chapters rolled into one. It needed to be done so I can get this plot rolling…and so that my readers will forgive me, lol. I hope everyone likes it…it's intense, and long. Good combo. DEFINITELY read and review. If you don't, I'll die.

FADING – Chapter Fifteen

Wednesday

The phone rang on the bedside table beside him, and Ryan turned his head to glare at it. Absently, he wondered if he shot it a dangerous enough look it would stop ringing…but he guessed the chances of that happening were slim.

Not that he had been sleeping or anything. That was another story. It was the middle of the day, and sure, he was tired, but he couldn't sleep. His back hurt too much…no, make that his everything hurt too much. And as per usual the day after a chemo session, his stomach was waging a dangerous war that even his best attempt at a fight against the nausea was not proving strong enough.

Ryan continued to stare at the phone with a look of hatred as the rings reverberated off the guest room walls. It was the third time it had rung in the past hour or so, and he guessed who would be on the other end…or rather, the absence of who would be on the other end. Marissa's number kept flashing up on caller display, but each time Ryan had answered it previously, he was met with silence and her quiet, hitched breathing. Then a dial tone. So far her attempts at apology over the past couple days had fallen flat. It seemed like neither of them had any words left to offer.

After a moment the ringing did actually stop prematurely, and in Ryan's exhaust-clouded mind, he wondered briefly if his glare had actually taken on magical powers. But then he heard Sandy's voice float in through the partially opened door from his office down the hall as he greeted whoever was on the other end.

Shoot. The 'look' still only silenced Seth.

Sighing, Ryan curled up on his side and shivered, pulling the blankets up further around his shoulders. He was always cold, that was nothing new. He had started to get used to it. That and the way his hands shook, and to not take offence when the Cohens only filled his glass half full so that the shaking wouldn't cause any unfortunate spillage. He had learned that lesson the hard way with tea.

Light footsteps on carpet brought his attention to the door. He looked over his shoulder to see Sandy peeking in hesitantly. "Hey." He said hoarsely, and cleared his throat as he attempted to roll over and sit up.

"Oh, you're awake." Sandy approached with his usual hesitance and forced enthusiasm. Then he held up his hands. "Don't get up on my account." He protested as he neared the bed.

Ryan decided to take his word for it and collapsed weakly back into his pillows, running a trembling hand over his face. "Yeah, can't sleep." He gave a half-smile. If for no reason other than to put his foster father at ease.

Sandy nodded. He didn't have to say anything because he understood. And there was nothing he could do for him anyway. Ryan understood that. So Sandy settled for silently retrieving an amber pill bottle from the bedside table and shaking out two white capsules.

"Not for another twenty minutes." Ryan said reluctantly, glancing up at Sandy pleadingly.

Sandy frowned. "Kid, you can take them sooner than that. If the pain is really bad, don't let yourself suffer…"

"It's not that bad." Ryan protested, knowing how ridiculous he sounded. They'd had this argument often enough. "I can wait twenty minutes." He settled his shaking hands on the surface of the comforter, smoothing out imaginary wrinkles.

Sandy's expression turned thoughtful, the pills still in his hand. "For reasons I can't disclose, I don't think this is about your pride anymore." He noted blandly, looking down at the small handful and rolling the capsules in his palm. Then he lifted his eyes back to Ryan's. "What is it that you're afraid of?"

Ryan glanced up sharply. "I'm not afraid." He snapped.

After a slight, tense pause, Sandy nodded and lowered his gaze. He knew he had overstepped the boundaries. "You try to get some rest." He said finally, and placed the two pills down on the nightstand beside an old glass of water. "I'm just down the hall."

"I know." Ryan replied evenly. Or maybe with a hint of annoyance. Either way, Sandy didn't let on that he heard.

Once he stood in the doorway, Sandy turned around. "Oh, that was Dr. Collins on the phone just now." He said softly, looking Ryan in the eye. "You have an appointment with him at the hospital tomorrow at two…he's going to run a sample of your blood and see how everything is progressing."

Ryan swallowed at the thought. Great, something else to worry about. He shifted on the bed as he felt Sandy's eyes still lingering on him from the door. Ryan didn't look at him. "Thanks." He said, and hoped it sounded dismissive.

From his peripheral vision, he saw Sandy look down at the floor. "You're welcome." He spoke quietly. Then he turned and left the room, careful to make sure that the door was left open half-way.


Summer giggled. "Cohen, aren't your parents home?" She asked in between kisses. Seth had pulled her by the hand up the front steps and into the foyer, hurriedly closing the door behind them and then proceeded to attack her mouth with a sly, Cohen-y grin.

Seth shrugged noncommittally. "Yeah…but like I care. You were so cute singing along to Death Cab in the car…I knew you would reform one day." He smirked, kissing her neck. "Now you are the perfect woman."

"I was not singing along. Ew. Death Cab? I mean, how much whining can fit into one song?" She laced her fingers through his hair and pulled his head back far enough so that she could see into his eyes. "Seriously Cohen, if your parents were to walk in right now, I would disembowel you." She assured him with a glare.

Waggling his eyebrows, Seth's grin grew wider. "I love it when you talk dirty to me." He drawled, leaning down to kiss her again. "Chill, would you? The parental units are nowhere to be seen, we're home free. No unlicensed surgeries necessary today, okay?" He said huskily, reaching up a hand to cup her face.

"Seth, that you?"

With a sigh, Seth rolled his eyes and stopped kissing Summer, looking towards the kitchen. "Yeah, dad." He called back, releasing his girlfriend and taking a step back. Summer pushed off the door and fixed her hair, pulling up a spaghetti strap that had slipped off her shoulder.

"Come in here a minute, would you?" Mr. Cohen's voice called again from the kitchen.

Shooting her an apologetic look, Summer allowed her boyfriend to take her by the hand and lead her towards the direction of Sandy's voice. When they entered the kitchen they found Seth's parents standing around the counter, sipping idly at glasses of white wine. "Yeah dad, what's up." Seth asked impatiently. Summer glanced at him when she detected the barely traceable venom in his voice. Seth had told her about the issues he'd had with his dad…well, with both his parents. Evidently he still wasn't letting them off so easily.

Sandy looked irked by his son's tone, but noticed that he wasn't alone, and smiled somewhat warmly. "Oh, hi, Summer."

"Hey Mr. Cohen. Mrs. Cohen." She gave a slight wave, and stood back slightly. She had immediately gotten the 'parent to son conversation' vibe, and knew that this was something that didn't concern her.

Kirsten smiled at her over the rim of her glass with a friendly expression. "Summer, I think that it's time you started calling us Sandy and Kirsten." She suggested gently. "You're really like part of the family, now…besides, Mrs. Cohen makes me feel so old." She cringed jokingly, and smiled again.

A bit taken aback, Summer grinned. "Sure thing Mrs…I mean, Kirsten." She corrected immediately.

She felt Seth drape an arm around her shoulders. "That was beyond important, don't get me wrong, but unless you have ridonkulously interesting news, Summer and I are going to retire to the living room." He told his parents, already pulling her towards the door. "I rented movies…a very stressful night awaits."

"I just wanted to ask if you'd see if Ryan wanted to join you." Sandy said quickly, before his son had a chance to slip out of the room. "We've been in to check on him a few times, and he's bored beyond belief. His…pain is pretty bad today, I don't think he can sleep. I thought spending some time with you two might help, maybe take his mind off of it." He suggested neutrally, though his voice pleaded gently. Even Summer could see the concern for his foster son in his eyes.

Seth nodded immediately. "Bored Ryan? Say no more. We'll go up and get him. I've got violent films to tickle his fancy." He said cheerfully, squeezing Summer's shoulder and turning them around in the direction they came.

"And Seth?" Sandy's voice called back from the kitchen.

Rolling his eyes dramatically, Seth released Summer to turn back around, with a wordless, somewhat annoyed expression.

Sandy just looked thoughtful. "Thanks." He said seriously.

At that, Summer watched Seth's eyebrows knit together in a look of confusion and disbelief. He snorted, and gave a slight shake of his head. "What for?" He asked rhetorically, and then took Summer by the hand again to lead her away.

As Summer trailed after Seth's upbeat jog up the stairs, listening to him ramble about some gory horror movie involving the removal of limbs, she opened her mouth to say something about his parents. A part of her wanted to scold him for being so cold, that she understood how betrayed and annoyed he felt at them, but they were obviously trying, they didn't deserve his attitude. But the grin on his voice was so animated as they made their way down the hall to the guest room door, and she realized that she hadn't seen her boyfriend this happy in quite some time…not since before they had found out that Ryan had cancer. So she lost her nerve, and changed her mind.

They knocked and, without waiting for a reply, walked into the slightly darkened room. Only a lamp on the bedside table illuminated Ryan's new quarters. He was sitting upright in bed, propped up on a mound of pillows. When he noticed them, he turned his head and smiled. Summer found it strange and more than a little worrisome that he hadn't been doing…anything at all when they had walked in. Just staring at the wall.

"Hey man. I haven't seen you all day." Seth grinned, sauntering up to the side of the bed, clapping his brother gently on the shoulder, and proceeded to flop unceremoniously onto the foot of the bed, rolling around until he found a comfortable position. "You're looking better than yesterday. How're ya feelin'?" He asked.

Ryan smiled at his foster brother, and Summer felt her heart break a little. Ryan could try to avoid the Cohens well-meant concern all he wanted, but when Seth entered a room grinning like that, struggling so hard to be his usual Cohen-y amusing self, it didn't matter that Seth's voice was laced with hidden worry. Ryan's face would light up like a Christmas tree. Sure, some days nothing worked. Some days Ryan looked so sad and afraid that Summer wanted to hug him and wait for everything to get better, but Ryan would turn them away. But Seth tried so damned hard to do whatever he could to brighten his brother's mood, and most of the time, whether her boyfriend realized it or not, he was the only one that could actually do it. And it broke Summer's heart.

"I'm great, man." Ryan replied, nodding. "Hey, Summer." He smiled at her.

Summer ruffled his hair. "Lookin' good, Chino." She studied his face, and had to make sure that her smile and 'happy face' was securely in place. He didn't look great, but these days, Ryan never really did. He always looked as though the color had been drained from his face. Even his lips blended into his pale skin…his eyes were a muddy gray with dark circles surrounding them. He looked like a monochromatic drawing of himself. And ever since the chemo had started, he had slowly been losing weight. Summer didn't want to guess how much he had already dropped.

"So word on the street is that you're bored." Seth cut to the chase, settling onto his back and tilting his head until he could see an upside-down image of his brother. "That true?"

Ryan rolled his eyes and nodded. "Yes." He huffed. "If I stay in this room any longer the next time I visit the hospital I'll be escorted in a straight jacket." He chuckled.

Summer flinched, and saw the grim look on Seth's face as he cleared his throat. "I think you need to ease up on the whole 'Ryan has a sense of humor' thing." He decided with a nod. "It's not working out so well for you." Seth snorted.

Ducking his head, Ryan's face reddened slightly. "Sorry." He murmured with a tentative smile. "Bad joke."

Summer tossed her hair. "Well anyway, Chino," she started, licking her lips as she prepared to pose the question they had initially come to ask. "Cohen has rented some cheesy horror flick. You game?" She asked.

"Hey, 'Saw' is not cheesy, okay Summer?" Seth warned, his head snapping forward to glare at her. "Would you like to be put in the position where you'd possibly have to hack off your own leg? I think not." He scoffed, sitting up on the bed and crossing his arms across his chest with an indignant expression.

Summer rolled her eyes and looked at Ryan. "Chino?"

Ryan smiled and pushed back his blankets. "Yeah." He agreed, and swung his legs over the side of the bed with a noticeable wince.

Without realizing it, Summer found herself holding her breath as she watched Ryan struggle to sit up all the way, his entire body tensed and his expression tight with pain as he eased himself to the edge of the mattress. She cast a sideways glance at her boyfriend and found him watching as well, now standing a mere foot from his brother, his eyes fixed on the struggling teenager as an nervous debate waged: to help, or not to help?

That was the question.

A moment later it was decided when Seth couldn't take being a bystander any longer. "Here, Ry." He said gently, and held out one hand.

A simple gesture, though small, Summer still caught Ryan glare hard at the outstretched hand with a look of barely masked anger.

But after a moment he reached out and held on, pulling himself up with one hand and pushing off the bed with the other. His face contorted in that small movement, and Ryan ducked his head, but Summer saw him bite his lip to keep back a cry. She'd seen him do it enough times now.

When she looked at Seth, his face was unreadable. He just watched his foster brother, not saying anything. But by the way his bicep was flexed, and the white-knuckle grip he had on his one-armed hold on Ryan's elbow, Summer knew that he was trying to inconspicuously take the brunt of Ryan's weight.

Once Ryan was more of less standing straight, Summer moved towards him and took Ryan's other hand as he swayed slightly before recovering his balance.

She had helped. But why did it always make her feel even more useless?

She needed to do more. For both of them. But soon they began walking out of the room and Ryan withdrew from their support as they headed down to the living room, walking single file.


"Psst. Cohen." A small whisper came from his left. Seth kept his eyes closed and turned his head to the right. Maybe if he ignored them, whoever it was would go away.

No such luck. A more insistent whisper hovered just at ear level, followed by a vicious poke to the arm. "Cohen! Wake up."

Seth swatted at the manicured hand, but opened his eyes and blinked a couple times. As his eyes adjusted to the dim light flickering off the TV he slowly made out Summer's shadowy figure beside him on the couch, staring at him insistently. "Whoa." Seth groaned, scrubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. "I must be the first person to fall asleep during a movie with a chick that has her head in an explosive cage."

"Maybe the second." She replied.

"Huh?"

Summer pointed across Seth's chest and he turned his head to the left to see Ryan fast asleep beside him, curled up in an unnatural position that was going to suck ass when he woke up.

Seth's face fell and he nodded, moving to sit on the coffee table across from the couch, looking at Ryan's slack face in the darkened light. "I'm not surprised. He can never stay awake during a movie now." He said solemnly. Reaching out a hand, he gently placed in on Ryan's knee and shook him carefully. "Ryan? Ry…wake up, buddy."

Eyes snapping open, Ryan lifted his chin off his chest and straightened up in a fluid movement that made his eyes slam shut and a moan came from low in his throat that sounded more like a whimper. Seth wanted to cry right then and there from that sound. "You okay, man?" He asked worriedly.

Ryan didn't nod. "What…" His teeth were clenched. "…Time is it?"

Seth glanced at his watch. "Going on eleven." When he looked at Ryan again, his face was still ghostly white and his eyes were still closed. But he was giving off a very strong 'don't touch me' vibe. He turned to look at Summer. "What time do you have to be home? I can drive…"

He couldn't finish his train of thought because Ryan suddenly bolted from the couch. A moment later he heard the bathroom door bang shut. The remaining two shared a sigh in the darkness, sinking dejectedly back into the cushions of the couch.

Seth leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, burying his head in his hands. This was never going to end, was it? That was really starting to make itself a known thought in his mind. This wasn't the kind of problem that just went away with a bowl full of microwave popcorn and an entertainingly bad movie. This was something more, something no one was going to be able to fix in a matter of days, even weeks. Seth hadn't even realized it, but that was what he had allowed himself to believe. That soon, it would be over. But it wasn't. Not for a long shot.

He felt a hesitant hand rest on his shoulder as Summer leaned in towards him, her perfume assaulting his senses and making his chest hurt. "Seth…" She said gently, her tone worried. For him.

Guilt washed over like a wave, short but cold. He wasn't the one puking his guts up in the bathroom. "I'm okay." He stammered, sitting up and scrubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. "I should take you home."

"No." She said right away, her brown eyes tender as she studied his face. Her soft hand came up to rest on his arm, squeezing gently. "I want to stay here with you." She whispered.

Seth's mouth opened to protest. But he closed it again moments later. He wanted her to stay. He didn't want to go through this alone. Ryan shouldn't have to go through this alone. Why was it that he was still sitting on the couch? Without answering Summer, he stood and headed down the hall. He knew without turning back around that Summer was following. She always did.

Once he got to the closed door, he turned the handle to walk in, but paused just outside, and held it open just a crack. He turned to look at his girlfriend. "Maybe you should…"

"I'll wait out here." She interjected, and gave a weary half-smile, leaning against the wall.

Seth tried to smile back. "I love you."

She nodded. "I know."

Before he had time to ponder the Star Wars Han and Leia reference, he pushed the bathroom door open and went inside. Ryan was standing a few feet away from the porcelain toilet, his face sweaty and grey. Panting slightly, he leaned against the wall at his back, eyes closed as he took in calculated breaths. Seth walked a little closer and grimaced, flushing the toilet and closing the lid.

"Why'd you come in here?" Ryan's weak voice snapped suddenly. His eyes remained closed.

Seth shrugged. "Why do you always ask that question?" He retorted, and backed up to sit on the counter, his fingers gripping the granite surface tightly. Steady, he told himself. Don't push it. Don't test him.

Ryan's cloudy blue eyes opened seemingly against their will and he glared daggers at his foster brother. "Can't you give me just a little bit of privacy?" He growled, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. "I don't always need your help. I can take care of myself."

"Why? Why do you even want to, Ryan? I don't get it." Seth found himself saying, and was shocked. So much for not pushing it. "What is it that you're trying to prove, anyway? That you're a big, tough Chino kid that can handle anyone and anything? We already know that, man. You don't have to do this. You don't have to be the strong one right now." He was loud, he realized. Close to yelling. But suddenly he didn't care. Why hadn't this been said already? Why had it taken almost two weeks for this to come out?

Ryan was seething. Seething was a good way to put it. "Shut up, Seth." He snarled.

"Why, because I've hit a nerve? Why won't you let me help you, Ryan? Forget my parents for one second. Forget everything else." Seth didn't know where the words were originating from, but they just kept coming, and he didn't think he could stop himself. He didn't want to, either. He was getting somewhere. "Just tell me why you won't even let me help. Like why you lie about being in pain, or why you prefer to nearly fall flat on your face instead of letting me help you when you're dizzy. What the hell is it that makes you think you're better than all that?"

Seth watched Ryan's face take on a look of panic. He looked around the room as if for means of escape, like a trapped animal. Then his breathing slowed and he raised dark eyes to Seth's face. "Because I'm not like you, Seth." He said, his voice almost at a whisper.

For a moment Seth felt a flash of pain. But the look in Ryan's eyes was pained, too. He looked guilty, and scared, and sad. And Seth just shook his head. "No. That's not it." He realized. "You're just trying to hurt me now."

Ryan looked away, but didn't say anything.

Seth knew he was right, and dropped his gaze to the floor as well. "It must be one hell of a reason, then." He noted quietly. "For you to go and say something like that."

They stood there silently for what felt like hours. All Seth could hear was Ryan's traumatized breathing and the thud of his own heartbeat. Just when Seth thought that he couldn't take it any longer, Ryan moved. He took very slow, deliberate steps towards the door and rested his hand on the knob. His head sort of half turned and his eyes traveled slowly to Seth's face. The look there was desperate, and nearly apologetic.

Seth felt his ribs squeeze his heart. He wanted to say something more. Anything…dear God, why now, of all times, had Seth Cohen run out of words? So with that, he watched Ryan turn and walk away.


The next night felt ridiculously weird to Ryan as they sat down at the immaculately set table in the champagne room for dinner; as if everything was perfectly normal. Sandy and Kirsten were forcing upbeat conversation that Seth sneered at. Maybe a matter of days ago he would have begged for this small amount of normality. As if this was any other cancer-free night. But now it just felt wrong.

For one thing, it felt bizarre not having Summer around. The past couple days she had been practically connected to Seth's hip. Not having her there tonight made everything all the more unnatural.

That and the fact that the Cohens kept casting him worried glances every once and awhile, as if regretting their decision to let him out of bed to eat a normal dinner as a family. Well, with the exception of Seth. His foster brother hadn't really wanted anything to do with him since their fight in the bathroom the night before. He'd been uncharacteristically quiet for the entire day.

He still hovered slightly, and asked the constant questions: "How are you feeling?", "Do you need anything?" That was still the same. But they were less frequent, and definitely not as sensitive. As Ryan had expected, Seth was giving up on him rather quickly. He knew it would only be a matter of time.

Also pushing around a plate full of rice and sipping at a glass of flat ginger ale didn't really help make the situation feel normal, while the rest of the family chowed down on Thai food. Not that they looked all that hungry, either. It seemed like everyone didn't have much of an appetite that night.

And finally, to add to the list of miseries that were making the night practically unbearable, was the fact that he had caught sight of himself in the hallway mirror today and had nearly keeled over right then and there. Today, he looked like hell, and he definitely wasn't the only one who had noticed. His skin was so pale it was scary. The dark circles under his eyes were almost comical. His face was sunken in an alarming amount. And to top it all off, the lights overhead the table were not exactly flattering. At least that partially explained the stares.

Oh yeah. And the doctor still hadn't called back with the blood analysis results.

"Ryan, did you take all your medicine?" Kirsten's voice asked kindly.

Taking a tentative bite of rice, Ryan glanced up at her and nodded. She had that uncomfortable look about her and he knew that she had only asked the question purely for something to say.

Seth's fork screeched across his plate. "He takes his meds at the same time every night, mom." He said, his voice monotonous. "You know that."

Kirsten blushed a little and swallowed contritely, picking at her food. "I was just asking, Seth." She told her son, giving him a warning look.

Seth just grunted in response.

"Alright, let's just try and enjoy our meal, okay?" Sandy suggested pleadingly, glancing between his son and wife. "We don't need the attitude Seth. We're trying to have a nice, normal family dinner. Let's just be positive." He smiled a little, as if he hoped his good mood would somehow rub off on the others.

Seth snorted, and Ryan looked at him from the corner of his eye. "That's a laugh, dad. Coming from you." He muttered under his breath.

Sandy looked surprised, and Ryan could just see a response working its way out his mouth. But he stopped himself, lowered his eyes, and started eating again.

Ryan couldn't believe his ears. He looked around the table, wondering who the hell these people were. Was this how it was going to be from now on? Was this really what he had done to this family? He put his fork down and stared at his plate. He seriously contemplated picking up his food and walking out of the room with nothing more of a response than "I'm going to find the real Cohens, wherever they hell they went", but he waited and tried to think of something less cutting.

Then the phone rang.

And suddenly all eyes were on him. And suddenly he didn't think he had the

strength to answer it. Did he even want to hear what Dr. Collins would have to say? What if it was bad news? He didn't think any of them could handle it if it was. And that would be all his fault.

Sandy's eyes met his from across the table, and Ryan silently pleaded with him to answer it for him. Not that Ryan deserved any favors from the Cohens, the way he'd been treating them lately. But he at least needed the time to work up the courage to hear whatever the doctor was going to tell him

Sandy wiped his mouth on his napkin and placed it on the table. "I'll get it."

Ryan found himself holding his breath as he listened to the phone beep on and Sandy's rushed "hello". They talked politely for a few minutes and Ryan tried to slow down his breathing. He knew Seth and Kirsten were watching him.

Kirsten's hand reached for his across the table. "Everything is going to be fine, sweetie." She said to him softly. "And if its not, we'll make it fine."

Ryan nodded, failed miserably at a smile, and looked up as Sandy approached, holding the phone out to him.

"It's Dr. Collins." He said, even though it was blatantly obvious who was on the other end. The Cohens had a thing for speaking when it was unnecessary these days.

Ryan nodded and swallowed, his heart pounding, as he reached out a shaking hand to take the phone. Once it was firmly in his grasp, he looked at it as if it were a foreign object. He felt Sandy's gaze on the top of his head, and then felt a firm hand rest on his shoulder. "It's okay, kid." He said gently.

So Ryan eased out from the table and stood carefully from his chair. Slowly, he walked to a corner of the room and faced away from the others. He wasn't alone, and yet he had privacy. At least they would pretend to not listen.

"Hello?" He said, his voice unsteady.

"Ryan? How are you, son? It's Dr. Collins." Gee, no kidding. What is it with these people?

Ryan cleared his throat. "I'm good." He said. A safe response.

"Glad to hear it." The doctor replied. Then he sighed, and Ryan could picture him taking off his glasses. Here we go. "Ryan, as they say in Hollywood, I'm going to cut to the chase. Your results were okay, but not great." He said evenly.

Swallowing hard, Ryan's brain fought to keep up. Okay? That was a good thing, right? Okay was better than bad. "Um, okay." Ryan mumbled. "What does that mean?"

"Well, your white blood cell count has gone down, but just a bit. With the amount of chemo we've been putting into your system…let's just say I was expecting something lower. Maybe much lower." He sounded disappointed, but not defeated. "Which could mean a variety of things. This is just the first week or so of treatment, after all. The effect it has on the cancer cells could easily change over time." He hurried to say.

Ryan closed his eyes. "But it could also mean that it's not working." He added, knowing that Dr. Collins would never admit it. At least not to him.

Dr. Collins sighed. "I…I guess so, Ryan." He said gently. "But I'm definitely not ready to believe that. It's way too early. Now, if you're up for it, and with the Cohen's consent, of course, I could increase your dosage, see if that has any noticeable change." He suggested.

Ryan found himself nodding. "Okay." He said. "Yes. Do it."

"I don't think I need to dwell on this, Ryan, but you do understand that it will be harder on your body, right?" Dr. Collins said carefully.

"I know." Ryan replied. How could he not know? Honestly, he didn't really care. Nothing could be that much worse than the way things were going right now.

Dr. Collins sounded pleased. "Okay. Then I guess I'll see you Friday, right?" He said cheerfully.

Ryan ran a hand through his hair, suddenly very tired. He closed his eyes and sighed. Today was Wednesday. Friday was just two days away. Two days until he was put through hell again. "Right." He sighed.

"Well I'll let you get back to your dinner, Ryan." The doctor said politely. "Take care of yourself son." A slight pause. "And don't let this get you down. It's just a minor setback. Not even a setback, really. Any progress is good progress. Okay?" He sounded worried now, genuinely concerned. Just like everyone else.

"Okay." Ryan responded. He opened his eyes. "See you Friday."

When he hung up the phone, the hushed voices of the Cohens behind his stopped abruptly, and Ryan had to wait until he found the courage to turn around and face them. He hoped that they had picked up on his tone and knew already that the news he was about to give them was not good. If he turned back around to find them staring at him hopefully, expectantly, he was sure he would break down right then and there.

Slowly turning around, he saw that Seth had left the table. Sandy remained sitting where he was and looked at Ryan with eyes full of sadness. But he tried to smile, anyway. Kirsten got up from her seat and crossed over to where he stood. She rubbed his arm gently, no visible worry or fear on her face. Unlike Sandy.

"It's no big deal, Ryan." She assured him, as if she already knew word for word what Dr. Collins had told him. "It's still early. It's too soon to tell if it's working or not."

Ryan nodded. "He said there was a small drop, so that's good." He said quietly. It seemed odd to him that those were the words coming out of his mouth, while his mind was going crazy with panic. It wasn't working. Of course this was happening. How much more shit could he possibly pile onto the load?

Kirsten nodded firmly. "That's right. Any progress is good progress." She said, parroting the exact words Dr. Collins had said on the phone.

Ryan bit his lip and nodded, looking at the floor. Kirsten wrapped her arms around him in a hug, but he suddenly couldn't bring himself to embrace her back. He stood stiffly until she pulled away, and then he looked at the table. "I'm going to…go back to bed." He said softly, hesitantly moving towards the door.

"But Ryan, you haven't finished your dinner." Sandy said, watching him with concern.

"I'm not hungry." He mumbled, and slowly walked towards the hall. Sandy and Kirsten didn't move from the spots he left them in, and he felt their eyes follow him all the way out of the room.


Thursday was a mostly a drag. Except for Summer, Seth realized. That part was good. He hadn't seen her since Tuesday, which…granted, wasn't really that long ago, but Seth had missed her more than he dared to say. He'd wanted her there when they'd gotten the news that the chemo wasn't yet having the desired effect. Yet. He'd wanted her there that night when he had cried harder than he had since he was seven when he fell off his skateboard for the first time.

Now it was evening once again, and as per usual, there was nothing to do. Bored and desperately channel surfing, he sat curled up on the couch with his girlfriend, trying not to think about the fact that Ryan had turned down their offer to join them, instead choosing to sit all alone in his room. Apparently the nerve Seth had hit two nights ago was a biggie. And it had definitely done some damage.

"Helloooo? Earth to Cohen?" He looked up to see Summer waving a hand in front of his face. "This is the most quiet I've seen you in like…ever." She said dramatically.

He gave her a weak smile.

Summer's face fell. "What's wrong?" She asked gently.

Seth almost laughed. "Besides the obvious?" He said sarcastically.

"Cohen, Ryan will get over it. Chino can never stay mad at you for very long." She snorted, resting her flip-flop clad feet on the edge of the coffee table. "You just pissed him off and…he's being a baby."

His head snapping up to stare at her, Seth's eyes widened. "He's not…being a baby, Summer." He said, shaking his head, his tone disbelieving. Had he heard her correctly? "Did you even hear what I said to him? I was an ass, I…"

She nodded as if proving a point. "Now you're defending him?" She asked, cocking her head to one side. "On the phone yesterday you said you were pissed at Chino. Which one is it, Cohen? Can't be both." She smiled, pleased with herself, and stared at him as if expecting an answer.

Their staring contest came to an end when Sandy walked into the room, his hands intertwined in front of him nervously. "Hey guys, um…" He looked behind for a moment. His smile was forced. "We have a, uh…visitor."

Seth felt Summer tense beside him when Marissa rounded the corner with a tentative smile, her hands clutching her purse in front of her. "Hi, guys." She said nervously, taking a small step into the room. "I, um…" She stopped, and glanced behind her briefly, seeing that Sandy was still standing there watching, watching her. She gave him a contrite smile and looked at the floor.

"Oh, sorry." He mumbled, taking a few steps back. He looked at his son. "Seth, I'll, uh…just be upstairs if you…need me." Sandy stumbled, pointing down the hall.

Seth nodded and his dad reluctantly left the room.

Summer tore herself from Seth's side long enough to give her friend an uncomfortable hug. "Hey, Coop."

"Hi. Hey, Seth." She pulled away and put her purse on the coffee table, stuffed her hands in her pockets, and rested her eyes on her shoes. "Is Ryan around?" She asked softly.

"He's sleeping. It hasn't been a good couple of days." Seth said flatly, staring at her until she finally looked up. He studied her face slowly and took everything he saw into account. Her eyes were red and puffy, probably from crying. Her mascara was smudged. She certainly did look miserable, but Seth couldn't bring himself to feel an ounce of sympathy for her.

Marissa lowered her gaze again. "Oh." She whispered. Then, seemingly regaining her bravery, she rested her eyes on Seth again. "What happened?"

Seth couldn't remain sitting any longer. Impatiently, he got to his feet. "We got some bad news, and…you know what? No. You don't know because you haven't been here for him." He told her angrily. "You weren't worried about him before, why should you start now?"

"Seth…" Summer started.

He ignored her. "You know, your speech is a little slurred, Marissa. What have you been doing?" Seth picked up her purse from the table and shook it near his ear. "Hmm, no sloshing this time, must have left the mickey at home, huh?" He challenged, thrusting the purse out to her.

Angry tears streamed down Marissa's face as she snatched back her bag. "I'm not…" She began to retort back, but stopped when she saw the disbelieving looks on her friends' faces. She wrapped her arms around herself and again looked at the floor.

Summer gasped softly. "Marissa?" She demanded softly.

Marissa wiped tears from her face with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry." She sobbed, her hand covering her mouth. After a moment she stopped and looked between Seth and Summer. "Please…can I just please see Ryan?" She pleaded with them, taking a step closer.

Seth looked down at Summer, who stared back at him. Gathering his courage, he returned his gaze back to Marissa. "No." He told her. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he shrugged a little. "Sorry." He said honestly.

Biting her lip, Marissa nodded, more tears slipping down her cheeks. Clutching her bag, she tucked her hair behind her ears and turned to leave.

Standing rooted in place, Seth watched her until he heard the front door shut. He felt Summer stand and place herself beside him, her hands wrapped around his arm. She stood on tip-toe and kissed his cheek. But she didn't say anything.

A hoarse voice came from behind them. "Thank you."

Seth and Summer spun around to see Ryan standing warily on the staircase, his exhausted blue eyes watching Seth's face. Seth broke away from Summer and took a few steps closer to the stairs. "Dude…" He began, unsure of what to say.

Ryan waved a hand. "It's okay." He replied. But Seth could see from where he was standing the tears in his foster brother's eyes. "Thanks." He murmured, and with a last fleeting look in his best friend's direction, he turned and headed in the direction he had come.

A chill ran over him and Seth heaved a tired sigh. Closing his eyes, he bowed his head to his chest and tried to calm down. God, he wanted to hit something right about then…

"Seth…" Summer appeared at his side again, her hand gently stroking his arm. "I'll go talk to him." She offered.

Seth looked up at her in surprise, but didn't have anything else to offer. He didn't see what harm it could do. If he went back up there the results, on the other hand, could be catastrophic. So he gave his girlfriend a beyond grateful smile, and nodded. "'Kay."

She smiled at him, gave his arm one last reassuring squeeze, and hurried up the stairs.


As Summer trotted up the last stair, she wondered briefly what she had gotten herself into. Chino wasn't going to want to talk to her, of all people. What would she even say? As she began to prepare a speech in her head, she slowed her stride as she walked down the carpeted hall, but screeched to a halt when she heard hushed voices coming from inside Ryan's guest room. Creeping closer, she rested just outside his door, and listened.

"…She's hurting, Ryan. She's a confused girl and this is the only way she knows how to handle it." Kirsten's gentle voice soothed. "She loves you, you know." She said, her voice softening.

Apparently Ryan hadn't been the only one eavesdropping

There was a pause. "I know." Chino's voice said, hesitant and dejected.

Summer peeked around the corner and looked into the dimly lit room. Ryan was in bed raised up on a mound of pillows. He looked really, really tired, Summer decided. And more than a little fed up. Kirsten was sitting on the bed, stroking back his hair, even though he flinched at her touch and eventually pulled away. Sandy stood on the opposite side of the mattress, his arms crossed in front of him, looking down at his foster son worriedly.

"You can't blame yourself for this, kid." Sandy said quietly, reaching down to place a strong hand on Ryan's shoulder. "She's not handling the situation well…Marissa never really does. But it doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you."

Ryan shook his head impatiently. "I'm not. Blaming myself, I mean." He heaved a sigh, resting his head back for a moment before looking up again, his eyes flashing between both Sandy and Kirsten. "Look, I said I was okay. I didn't ask you guys to come in here for the pep talk." He snapped suddenly.

Summer bit back her surprise as she watched the looks of shock ripple off Sandy and Kirsten's faces. "Ryan…" Kirsten began.

"Sorry." Ryan said immediately, closing his eyes, his expression full of guilt. "I don't know why…I…I'm just tired." He sighed, opening his eyes again and looking up at the Cohens nervously.

Sandy nodded and patted Ryan's shoulder. "Go to sleep, kid." He said, stepping back from the bed. "We'll mind the fort. We're just down the hall if you need us." He told the teenager with a small smile.

Kirsten clasped her hands in her lap and fidgeted for a moment. Then, hesitantly, she reached down and planted a kiss on Ryan's forehead. He didn't pull away. "Good night, honey." She whispered, her voice close to breaking.

As she heard footsteps approach, Summer quickly ran down the hall and ducked just inside the doorway of Seth's pitch black room. She held her breath and listened as the footsteps came outside the guestroom, the door was shut, and the steps neared her. Then they stopped again.

"You think he's going to be okay?" Sandy asked his wife gently, reaching out to wrap his arms around her.

Kirsten shook her head into his chest. "I don't know, Sandy." She replied honestly, her voice quavering.

Sandy looked down at her without pulling away. He swept a hand through her golden blonde hair. "Aw, honey, Ryan loves Marissa. He knows that she's just…taking all of this hard." He told her reassuringly. "He's just upset…we all are. But he'll be better in the morning. Yesterday was just a lot to take, and dealing with Marissa on top of all that couldn't have been easy…"

"I wasn't just talking about Marissa." Kirsten interrupted, pulling out of his embrace so that she could look him in the eye. "Have you seen him lately? Have you seen how he looks, how he acts…it's as if he's a completely different person, Sandy." She wrapped her arms around herself, her blue eyes filled with tears and looking hopeless.

Sandy stepped closer to her. "Kirsten…" He began. Then he lowered his voice. "You know you're only talking like this because of what Dr. Collins told us last night. Everything is going to be fine, you know."

A sob caught in Kirsten's throat and she shook her head. "He's pushing us away like he expects us to give up…it's almost like he's giving up, and we're just a few weeks into this." She looked up at her husband as he wiped tears from her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. "He's not Ryan anymore, he…he's fading, Sandy. Right before our eyes and I feel like there's nothing we can do about it."

Summer felt her breath catch and stepped deeper into Seth's room as she the Cohens started walking again, passing by the doorway with their arms wrapped around one another. Once she was sure she was alone again, Summer leaned against the wall at her back and slid down until she sat on the floor. She wiped vainly at the tears in her eyes and stared into the darkness.

What was she going to tell Seth?


Seth reached past a perfectly formed red apple for a banana from the fruit bowl and started peeling it methodically. He didn't eat apples anymore. Apples were evil. Apples were what started this whole messed up chain of events from a cut finger to illness and a family he didn't even know anymore.

As far as he was concerned, apples were Satan's fruit.

It was Saturday, which was only a good thing because it wasn't Friday anymore. Because Friday, as any other chemo-session day did, had sucked a very large amount. When his parents had gotten back from the hospital with Ryan, they had announced that their foster son had a minor fever, and from there everyone just worked themselves into a frenzy. Granted, it was a low-grade fever, but because of the chemo sessions they were supposed to keep a close watch on Ryan because a little nothing flu could turn into a full blown disaster.

Seth hadn't been able to sleep that night. He had kept one ear trained on any movement coming from the guestroom, on any slight possibility that maybe, just maybe, Ryan might need something. Not, of course, that he would ever ask for it.

"Seth, can you hand me that document there on the counter?" his mom asked from her seat at the kitchen table. She had a several stacks and piles of paper surrounding her, a miniature model home to her left, and she was scribbling furiously on a notepad, not looking up as she spoke. Apparently Caleb had let her off for the weekend.

Taking a bite from his banana, Seth located the piece of paper she pointed to blindly and took it to her wordlessly.

Kirsten glanced up at him as it was transferred to her hand. "Thanks." She mumbled, returning to her work. Then she stopped herself, put down her pen, and folded her hands in front of her, looking at her son. "So. Are you seeing Summer today?" She asked conversationally.

Seth shook his head. "Her dad's back in town, so they're taking a little father-daughter time." He explained quickly.

His mother nodded. "Oh. That's good, she probably missed him. She's spent most of her time here for so long." A silence plagued them for a few long uncomfortable moments and she glanced around. "So…what are you going to do today? Maybe go sailing? It looks pretty windy out there." Kirsten noted, glancing out the kitchen window.

"Yeah, and pretty crappy, too." Seth added, finishing his banana and throwing the peel in the garbage. "It's all cloudy and yuck. And cold."

Kirsten snorted. "It's summer in California, Seth. It's never cold." When Seth didn't say anything, she nodded and picked up her pen again. "Okay. Well, you should go out and do something, anyway. You need to get out of the house." She said, cocking her head to one side. "You've been stuck in here for days." Her eyes were sympathetic.

With a slight roll of his eyes, Seth plunked down on a stool at the counter. "Yeah, well, so has Ryan." He muttered under his breath.

Her smile disappearing for a moment, Kirsten looked away. Then she nodded, and returned her gaze to her work. "Right." She replied.

Sandy entered the kitchen and made his way to the coffee pot, kissing his wife's cheek as he went. "I'll tell you, it's cold out there for July." Sandy said as he came into the kitchen, finger drying his hair which was still wet from his shower after surfing.

Seth shot his mother an 'I told you so' look,

Pouring himself a cup of coffee, Sandy turned questioning eyes to his son. "Where's Ryan?" He asked curiously. "He wasn't in his room."

"Pool house." Seth said, getting up and walking to the fridge to retrieve a bottle of juice.

Sandy put down his coffee cup and stared at his son. "What?"

Seth shrugged. "Don't look at me. Mom said he could." He said, nodding towards Kirsten, now looking up at her husband guiltily from where she sat at the table. "Ryan came down here in a pissy mood and asked if he could move back into the pool house. Mom gave in." He explained quickly, sitting back down at the counter.

"Seth, don't say 'pissy'." Kirsten chided from her seat.

Sandy walked towards her and rested his hands on the back of a chair. "You let him move back into the pool house? Kirsten…why?" he asked, confused. "We just brought him home from the hospital. He had a fever, he shouldn't be far away." He reasoned, agitated.

Crossing her arms in front of her chest, Kirsten sat back in her seat and avoided her husband's gaze. "I know…but he was just so…upset." She said, struggling for words. Her eyes wandered out across the patio as she gazed in the windows of the pool house. Inside she could make out Ryan's figure on the bed. "I couldn't say no. He wanted his privacy. And it is his room, after all. Who are we to say whether or not he's allowed to stay there?"

Sandy sighed and raked a hand through his unruly dark hair. "He was in a bad mood?" he asked finally.

"Dad, these days, when is he not?" Seth scoffed.

Another sigh, and Sandy turned to face his son. "Seth...would you go check on him, please?" He asked, his voice controlled. "Make sure he has everything he needs. His meds, enough blankets, something to drink in the fridge…"

Seth nodded. "I'm on it." He replied, and scooted off his chair, marching to the kitchen doors. Outside he closed the door behind him, resting his hand on the knob as he watched his parents begin to fight. Sighing, he shivered as a cold breeze blew past and he looked up at the dark grey clouds swirling around above.

Great, he thought to himself. Could this day get any better?

Wrapping his arms around himself and pulling his hands into the sleeves of his sweater, he jogged across the patio to the door of the pool house and hesitated only briefly before knocking and stepping inside.

"Sweet Moses, it's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey out there." He exclaimed as he shivered dramatically, shutting the door quickly behind him and stepping further into the room. Ryan was seated on the edge of the bed in his sweats, the blankets and covers rumpled from tossing and turning. From where he sat on the bed, Ryan was glaring at him. "What's up, dude?" Seth asked casually.

Ryan sighed. "The point of moving out here was so that I could get some privacy, remember?" He said darkly, his blue eyes almost as grey and cloudy as it was outside.

Seth forced himself not to lose his cool. Think like a cucumber, he told himself in earnest. "Chill, man. Dad just sent me out here to make sure you have all the necessary accoutrements. You know, food, drink…"

"I've got everything I need, Seth." Ryan cut in between clenched teeth.

Nodding, Seth thought about turning to go. "Okay, that's cool. Just checking." He studied Ryan's rigid posture and took in his paler than usual face and clenched fists against the mattress. "Hey…you okay, man?" He asked, worry creeping into his voice.

Ryan gave a jerky nod. "I'm fine, Seth." He growled, and then eased closer to the edge of the bed and struggled to push himself into a standing position. His knees were shaking so much that Seth could see the tremors from where he stood by the door. Ryan's eyes remained shut and he swayed, coming too close to falling over.

Seth leapt down the small flight of stairs and hopped across the bed to the other side, standing beside his foster brother and placing steadying hands on either arm. "Whoa, there, bro." He said, eyebrows knit together in concern. "Talk to me, Ryan. What's wrong? Should I go get my parents?" he asked gently.

"I'm just...dizzy." Ryan replied, his eyes still closed. "I'll be fine."

Shaking his head, Seth gripped Ryan's arm more tightly and tried to convince him to sit back down. "Ry, you're scaring me, here." He began worriedly. "Where are you even going, man? Would you sit for a minute, please?" he begged, trying to push him into a sitting position.

Ryan pushed him with more strength than Seth thought he had. "No, Seth! Look, would you just…" his voice tapered off and he took an unsteady step back and shook his head, as if clearing his it. "Would you just leave me alone?" he growled, staring at his feet.

Seth felt anger boiling back into his system, and he could no longer control it. Accusingly, he pointed a finger at his brother's chest. "You can't even look at me when you say that." He all but shouted. "What the hell is the matter with you, Ryan?" he asked, his voice almost begging.

Now Ryan looked at him. "Seth…"

"You can't walk away this time, because there's nowhere to go." Seth challenged, taking a step closer, looking him squarely in the eye. "If you think you're so tough then its time to be a man. Tell me to my face why you don't want my help. Why you don't want my parents help." He demanded, his heart hammering in his ears. He could feel the blood pounded through his veins.

Ryan stared at him for several long moments, and Seth waited patiently. Finally, his mouth opened, but just as he was about to speak the door to the pool house swung open and Sandy stepped inside.

"What's going on in here?" He asked, looking between his two sons in confusion. "We could hear you yelling all the way from inside." He closed the door when he saw Ryan shiver at the breeze that swept in. "Ryan…are you okay, kid?" He asked, seeing the distressed look on the teenager's face.

Ryan swallowed hard. "Fine."

Seth rolled his eyes and sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. "Big surprise there." He muttered angrily.

Sandy stepped further into the room. "What's going on?" He demanded again, his voice concerned. "Seth?"

But Seth's eyes were still trained on Ryan. His brother was standing rooted in the same spot he had been in for the past two minutes, his face completely devoid of color. He blinked his eyes as if trying to clear his vision. He still swayed on his feet. Seth sighed. "Ryan, would you sit down before you fall down?" He pleaded tiredly.

Ryan shook his head. "No." He said lowly.

Soon Sandy was standing beside his foster son, studying his face worriedly. "Ryan…I don't know what just happened in here, but he's right. You need to sit down." Sandy said, gently resting a hand across the boy's back. "You don't look good. Come on, please sit…"

Throwing the hand off his back, Ryan stepped away and glared at Sandy, blue eyes flashing. He looked trapped. "No! What do I have to do to make you understand? I don't want to sit, I don't want to talk, I don't want your help!" he shouted, his voice sounding slightly strangled. "I just want to be left alone." He said, quieter.

If Sandy was at all surprised by the outburst, it didn't register on his face. "Well that's too bad, Ryan." He said slowly. "Because whether or not you want to admit it, you need our help. You can't do this alone."

Seth watched Ryan shake his head desperately. "No." He whispered, his eyes filling with tears.

"Ryan…" Sandy began, reaching out to his foster son.

Ryan tore away again. "No! Don't." He wrapped his arms around himself and stepped back. "Please…don't." He said again, his tone heartbreaking. But he still held back the tears.

Sandy asked the question before it even registered in Seth's mind. "Why, Ryan?" His dad asked softly, cautiously. He didn't touch Ryan, but he stepped closer. Ryan only took a slight step back. "Just tell me why."

"Because…" Ryan began, somehow holding on to his last shred of composure. "Because if…if I let you help me, I won't….I'll get used to it, and…and I can't afford to do that." He insisted, as if persuading himself as he talked.

Seth couldn't believe his ears. "Why not?" He found himself asking, his voice sounding foreign to his ears.

Ryan's mouth opened and closed again, and he lowered his eyes and shook his head, biting his lip.

"You think we'll leave you." Sandy realized aloud. Seth's head snapped up to stare at his father, and then at Ryan. His best friend looked surprised, but didn't deny it. He looked away. Sandy pressed on. "You think we'll get sick of you, that eventually we'll desert you like…like your mom did." He said softly, his voice rough with emotion. Seth could see his father barely holding back tears.

Ryan took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, wrapping his arms more tightly around himself. "Like everyone else does." He whispered.

Sandy shook his head. "Oh, Ryan…" he began, unsure of what to say. "How can I make you believe…? Ryan, that will never, ever happen." He said, pleading, as he stepped closer to the teenager and reached out a hand to him again.

Ryan didn't say anything as he took another step back.

Heaving a sigh, Sandy nodded slightly and stepped away as well. "Okay. I know you don't want to believe me right now. You need your space, I understand that." He said softly. "But when you're ready to talk, you know where to find us. Because, Ryan, we'll always be here for you, kid. We love you. We're not going to let anything happen to you." His voice cracked, but Sandy stayed strong. He swallowed and turned to look at Seth. "We should go…he needs his rest."

Seth had a hard time tearing his eyes away from Ryan's face. He didn't like what he saw there. His expression was hollow, his eyes overly bright and his cheeks slightly flushed for the first time in…ever. He looked scared.

And it scared Seth.

"Come on." He allowed his dad to take him by the elbow and pull him to his feet. Then together they slowly walked towards the door and out into the cold, blowing wind. When he turned back to look just once through the pool house windows, Ryan was still standing in the corner, his arms wrapped tightly around his body.


Ryan couldn't move. The things Sandy said…none of it could be true. He couldn't let himself believe it. He'd done that before. His mom…she had said she'd changed. That she loved him and she wasn't going to lose him again.

But she did.

Why should the Cohens be any different? His cancer was already pushing the family in all different directions. It was only a matter of time before they realized who was to blame. He had to make them realize that.

Shivering suddenly as a chill wracked his thin frame, Ryan finally released his arms from around himself and zipped up his hoodie higher. Finally he forced his legs to move. He walked to the door and pulled it open, stepping out onto the patio. The wind was cold and it blew his hair into his eyes, but he could see the Cohens standing around the kitchen counter through the window, talking animatedly.

Talking about him.

Turning away, he started walking. He didn't know where he was going, and it didn't matter. He had to push further away.

He had to make them understand.


Kirsten stared at her husband and son as she felt tears prick her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time in the last couple days. "He thinks we'll…leave him?" She said, her hand covering her mouth.

Sandy gave a jerky nod. "I don't…I don't know how we didn't see this. How long has this been going on?" He asked himself, running a weary hand over his face, leaning heavily against the kitchen counter.

"Forever." Seth sighed, staring at the granite counter top from his stool.

His mom dried her eyes. "Well…what are we going to do?" She asked determinedly. "We have to make him realize that we want him here. He has to understand how much we love him, that he's a part of this family now. And that will never change." She said emphatically, shaking her head.

Sandy moved to stand behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Honey, I think enough words have been said for awhile. If we keep pushing him, he's just going to get further and further away." He explained, his voice sounding exhausted. "Right now what he needs is some space. And some time to think. If we go in there now he'll never listen. He's backed himself into a corner. We could lose him forever." He sighed again, squeezing his wife's shoulder.

"I need to go see if he's okay." Kirsten insisted, pulling away from his touch and walking to the French doors.

"Kirsten…" Sandy began.

"I'll be right back, I promise." She begged. "But I have to make sure he's okay." She demanded, her blue eyes flashing as she dared him to say anything otherwise.

After a moment and a final sigh, Sandy nodded. "Okay." He said.

When the doors shut, Seth looked up at his dad with a sarcastic smile. "Well," he muttered. "That went well." he gave a snort, staring out at the white caps roiling off the grey ocean.

"I can't believe…that's how he feels." Sandy said, staring off into space, his voice sad and despondent.

"Yeah, well…" Seth shrugged. "We'll fix it." He said with a hopeful look directed towards his father.

Sandy's eyes traveled down to his, and he smiled briefly. "You're right." He said, and laid a hand on his son's shoulder. "When did you get to be so smart?" He asked rhetorically.

Just as Seth opened his mouth to offer a witty response, the kitchen doors burst open and a very pale Kirsten came inside. "Sandy…" She said, her voice breathless.

Walking quickly towards her, Sandy put his hands on her arms, steadying her, and looked into her eyes. "What is it?" he asked instantly, and then his eyes widened. "Is Ryan okay?" He demanded next.

Kirsten shook her head numbly, her lower lip trembling. "He's gone, Sandy." She said, her voice almost a whisper. "He's gone."

TBC


AN: I know I'm evil. Review and I'll write faster. Hope you liked it. Cheers!

-Vancouverite