winter halfed soul

my life split in two

one is cheerful

one is blue.

i love to make u laugh

love to make u smile

but the other half of me

watches in the back of my concious mind

watching all the while.

it wishes to distance its self

to never be hurt again.

afraid that at a moment of weakness

my soul will not remend.

i want to open up and shine

but a haunting past that follows

wont allow me to show more than a dime.

at times i feel my one spirit is really 2.

there's me

then there's another me.

the one that was forged in a time of icilation

a time when no one was there to smile back

it came with out warning as it wraped around me to keep me safe

at first i welcomed it

now...

i dispise it

"get over it"

"just relax"

"try to see past it"

these words i hear every now and then

yet i have no idea where to begin.

that other self will not end

it refuses to let go completely.

hiding in the shadows

waiting for a time of vunerability

then it encapes me once more

telling lies of how those i love are false

and i am ashamed to addmit

more than once i belived

more than once had i been decived.

but that was then

this is now.

even though its there, it reacts not as a blizard

wishing to hide all in its rage

but as a pleasent snow of winter

both holding memories of good and bad.

yet it is still cold

still trying to distance me

and still

not as far as it really seems

it feels like with each year,

a layer of my winter half

melts away

and with it

comes spring.

with that

a new me

my past is something that still affects me

but never again

will it

control me.