My apologies, this chapter is becoming too long again, and I'm not very happy with it, and though I deplore the frequent use of repeated cliff hangers this is probably the best point to break it. (and its not really a cliff hanger)
As always little belongs to me, its JRRTs.
To the guests I can't PM, thanks for your kind comments and interest they mare much appreciated.
To the guest who commented on the nature of Tauriels character, I agree with you, indeed my assessment of them is less kind than yours.
Thanks to the person who alerted me the fact that I had uploaded the wrong chapter. Its been a long week...
P
Painful Truths
For a moment it was as if the world receded and all Legolas could see was her wide eyed stare towards his father and all he could hear was the hammering of his own heart. Then the feeling faded and he became aware that he was standing, frozen in shock, in full view of all. He drew a deep and shuddering breath and dragged his gaze from the shifting shadows that had once again swallowed her.
He looked around him, noting that the gardens were rapidly emptying and the stream of guests leaving the receptions rooms had all but stopped. His father had left the arbour and was now at the gate, bowing a stately farewell to those departing, the starlight echoed softly in the gems adorning his summer crown at each inclination of his head.
Legolas wanted nothing more than to find some dark secluded corner and wait until the feelings of horror and disbelief eased, to hide from any who might notice his discomfort and ask of the reasons. But he did not have that luxury for a small number of their guests still milled around seeking items carelessly set side during the evening. He could not bring himself to aid with such trivialities, so distracted were his thoughts, and the way to the stables and training grounds would take him past Tauriel, and so he pasted a smile upon his lips and steeled himself to join his father at the gate where he was now bidding the Gondor Lord farewell. Quickly he made his way away from the corner where Tauriel still stood watching in the shadow, making sure that he did not look in her direction as he went.
He joined his father just as the Stewards man made a low bow and moved towards the threshold, but on seeing the king's son approach he turned back and made another bow.
"My Lord," he said, "I was just remarking to your noble father that our land would be honoured should you have leisure to visit us during this period of peace."
Legolas forced a brighter smile and returned the bow with an inclination of his head, he did not need to look towards his father to know what was expected of him.
"Indeed my lord I would take much pleasure in such a visit if the deeds of the world permit it. I have seen your white city but once before yet I recall its beauty well, to reacquaint myself with it would be an honour should the peace allow it."
The man sighed and inclined his head.
"Aye, your caution, like your fathers, is wise yet we can but hope it holds. Too long have we in Gondor lived in unease, in restless wondering if the next day will bring war. I hear war has been a visitor to your lands more recently, I grieve for your loss and I do not doubt that the enemy had some part in it. Now the dark one is returned to his old lair and Gondor's unease grows, though so far we have seen no sign that he has looked our way. Let us hope that war does not return again and that peace allows the opportunity for my Lord the Steward to entertain you as you have done for me this evening."
With that he bowed again to both king and prince before stepping through the guarded gate and into the still thronged thoroughfare beyond.
Thranduil turned towards his son with a slight smile.
"Another chore for you my son, I apologise for delegating it to you but…."
He broke off his smile dying and a look of concern entering his eyes.
"Legolas, what is wrong?" He said softly. "Has aught been said to distress you? I saw no sign of it earlier, indeed you seemed to be enjoying the feast, even the dancing."
Legolas shook his head, struggling to smile.
"Ai no, nothing has been said to distress me."
His father gave him another penetrating look.
"Then what has happened for something has, despite your careful calm before our guest I can see that you are greatly distressed."
Legolas paused, unsure what he should say or do. Some part of him wanted to deny what he had seen, to escape to a tree and stare at the stars and convince himself that he had been mistaken. Even if he could not do that he did not want to tell his father what he had witnessed. How could he, even if he wished to? He did not think that he could find the words; for what good or innocent interpretation could be placed upon what he had seen? No, he did not want to do it, he hated the very thought of doing so. He could think of only one interpretation of the look upon her face, for it had not been one of simple anger or hate and he did not want to put words to that thought. He could not imagine how his father would feel, how much grief it would add to the burden of hurt he already carried because of her actions.
He could turn the question away, create some other excuse, perhaps he might invent some conversation to explain what his father had read in his face. But how could he risk doing that? Mithrandir had warned that she might yet present a danger to his father, how then could he justify withholding the insight he had just gained into her thoughts? He had put her feelings above his fathers safety once before and he would not repeat the offence.
So he had no choice, difficult though it would be.
He met his father's eyes and nodded once.
"Yes, it is true that something has disturbed me, and distressed me. Something that I saw just moments ago and that has thrown a new light upon….. certain events that I would never have foreseen."
Thranduil frowned slightly.
"Are those events what I assume them to be?"
Legolas nodded again.
"Indeed they are, but not perhaps in the way that you fear, for they do not relate to myself directly."
The kings frowned deepened.
"Yet they distress you greatly, I can see it."
"Yes, and I know that we must speak of it much though I wish that were not so. But nowhere that another might hear or come upon us, and I would beg a brief time to gather my thoughts for this has shaken much that I thought I understood."
Thranduil inclined his head, his eyes still searching his son's face.
"Very well. Come to my rooms when you are ready, I will not retire before you come. I will ask nothing more for now."
Legolas smiled slightly.
"I thank you, I find myself at a loss and need to calm my mind before I set the matter before you. Let me lay my finery aside and I will join you when my thoughts are in better order."
With that he bowed slightly and strode away.
The king watched him for a moment then turned and looked in the direction from which he had arrived. The torches and candles were dying and the shadows deepening but as far as he could judge all the guests were gone and there was none to be seen other than those charged with removing all signs of the festivity. Not that he had to see her to know that she lurked somewhere, he had expected that she would.
He had no doubt as to what, or rather who, was the cause of his sons current distress, though for the moment he could not imagine what had been the precipitating event. The two of them had met only this morning and Legolas had been composed enough when he had conversed with him before dressing for the evening. His son could have had no further conversation with her since that time, for he had ensured that she would be occupied elsewhere. So something else had brought this agitation to his son; but he had no doubt that it was in some way related to Tauriel. He sighed, he had expected nothing less but he had not thought it would come now, or that it would take this form. He had been prepared for some resurgence of the guilt that had haunted Legolas since his return, but the look on his son's face had spoken of something different, something more immediate and unexpected than feelings he was well acquainted with.
With one last look at the gathering darkness he pushed the thought aside, he would know the answer soon enough. He waited patiently to bid farewell to the last of his guests and only when the last of the stragglers had bowed their thanks did he leave the gate and move towards the doorway to the house. He inclined his head in acknowledgement of the guard's salutes as he passed into the hall and turned towards the stairway that swept up towards his rooms. On a sudden impulse he halted before he reached it and beckoned to one of the waiting guards.
"Is the guard commander within the house?"
"Indeed Sire, it was his intention to remain in the guard house until all was secured for the night."
Thranduil nodded.
"Thank you."
Thranduil strode away, deep in thought and headed towards the guard house.
XXX
A short time later Thranduil entered his rooms to be greeted by a waiting aide. He quickly stripped off the jewels he had worn for the evening and handed them to his attendant, leaving only the marriage ring upon his finger, this he never removed. As the aide secured the jewels in the waiting casket Thranduil stared down at his marriage ring and wished, as he often did, that his wife was here to guide him through what he expected would prove to be stormy emotional waters. This time he would have been particularly glad of her sage counsel for his own involvement in the matter was close enough to make it hard to retain his kingly objectivity.
Yet if his wife had been here he doubted that the matter would ever have reached the straights it had. She, far more than he, would have recognised the truth of the situation and would have had no hesitation in resolving it.
He pushed the regret away and pulled himself back to the present as the aide approached him and bowed his face carefully expressionless. Smiling slightly in acknowledgement he allowed himself to be helped out of his robe, suppressing a wider smile at the concentration on the other elf's face as he unfastened it, smoothed an incipient crease and folded it carefully over a chair. No doubt he found the responsibility of waiting on his king a little daunting, Thranduil had an excellent memory for faces, particularly those who served him, and he was sure he had never met this one before. Which was a pity for he would far rather disrobe himself, and had any of his usual attendants been here he would have had no hesitation in sending them away, but to do so now, with one who did not know him, might well be taken as a sign of disapproval. So he bore it patiently as the aide helped stripped him of his elaborate over tunic and his footwear only stopping him when he reached to help unlace the fine silk shirt.
"Thank you but there is no need. Take the gem case to the strong room if you will and oversee its securing, the guard will be expecting you."
He watched as the aide carefully picked up the casket.
"Then have some tea sent to me. Enough for two for my son joins me soon. Once you have done this you are at leisure for the night."
"Thank you Sire." The other elf bowed, then cast him an uncertain look. "If you are sure there is nothing else I can do for you."
Thranduil inclined his head.
"Nothing I assure you." He smiled. "I have long been capable of undressing myself, though some might have you believe otherwise, and after such an evening I would welcome a little solitude before my son arrives."
The attendant returned the smile and nodded, then he bowed again, tightened his grip upon the casket and left.
Thranduil maintained his smile until the door closed and then it faded and he sighed, running his now ringless fingers through his hair. The evening had been pleasant enough and it had achieved what he had wished, but he had to admit that he found the company of so many mortals wearying. Particularly when he knew nothing of them. Bard he had become accustomed to, and he had some respect for him, but the others were a different matter. He found them tedious, their boisterous manners childish. Not that the blame for that, if there was any, lay with them, no more than with him. Such brief creatures could never see the world as an elf did, certainly not as one such as he, who had lived through the last two turbulent ages of Arda, saw it. Their difficulty in accepting what they knew him to be was so often written in their faces, and he found himself having to set a guard upon his tongue unless he inadvertently frightened them by disclosing his personal knowledge of things that were but legend to them. The effort in containing his light, preventing it from becoming too visible, was also tiring, even though he had become much practised at it during the years he spent before the black gate. He had to admit that after such an evening he had some envy for the elves of the Golden Wood and Imladris who lived removed from the wider world and had few dealings with the sons of men.
He sat down on the bed and reached for his comb, beginning to work it through his hair as he considered the evening again.
Bard would be a good king, he thought, for he had a deep understanding of his people and their needs, and his son was maturing well and would be able to support his father. The bowman clearly had some doubts about his ability, but that was to be expected given the circumstances of his birth and the events that took him to the crown, but those would pass once it was upon his head. Thranduil smiled grimly, or rather he would find himself with no time to think of them. The smile faded as memory swept over him, pictures of the days after Dagorlad suddenly flooding his mind. He sighed sadly at the memory, at least Bard's people had had a chance to recover from their losses before he took the crown.
He gave himself a mental shake and returned to the present. The Stewards man had been informative, more than perhaps he had realised or intended. It seemed that Gondor was already concerned about Sauron's descent upon Mordor and the stirrings of unrest in the lands of his old allies; but as yet they had no hard proof that the dark lord was returned to his full power. Nor had they anything more than suspicion that his minions were responsible for the growing unease in the further east. Yet the Steward had no real doubt of it, or so it seemed, a view Thranduil tended to agree with. Both of them foresaw a future war though neither could hazard a time for it; Thranduil smiled wryly to himself, this Steward might yet be fortunate enough never to see it, unlike himself.
He set his comb aside with a sigh. But that was not for immediate consideration, for now he had other more pressing matters to deal with.
He frowned as he threw off the last of his finery and dressed himself in night robes, his mind racing ahead to the coming meeting with Legolas. His discussion with the guard master, though brief, had made it clear that it was as he had expected, Tauriel had been released from duty just prior to the guests departing. No doubt she had been somewhere in the shadows of the gardens watching them depart, and either she and Legolas had met again, or he had overheard her in conversation with another. Whichever it was something she had done or said had brought that look of horrified shock to his son's eyes. He hoped that whatever it was he could ease it.
XXX
Legolas was met by an attendant as he entered his room and cursed quietly, he should have expected it yet somehow he had not. With a smile he swallowed his impatience and allowed himself to be stripped of most of his formal robes and gems before waiving the attendant and his night robe away.
"Hand me a tunic if you will for I must converse with the king before I retire, then you may consider yourself excused of further duties for the night."
As the door closed behind the aide he sank down into a chair beside the empty grate and buried his head in his hands. The thoughts that had come to him in the shadows of the garden took hold of his mind once again, and they were no more comfortable the second time of thinking.
How, how could it be true? The thought had kept hammering into him, the question coming with every heart beat as he had hurried way from the gardens and now it began again. Was the fault with him, was it his sin that he could even think of such a thing? Yet had she not abandoned her kin and duty to pursue a dwarf she had known for little more than hours? Was it so impossible that her intemperate passions had led to such looks as he had seen in the garden.
As he sat in the quiet of his rooms his mind filled with sounds and pictures of the past. He could hear his father's laugh ring out merrily at her squeals of pleasure as he tossed her up into blossom draped tree, see her swarming up the king's leg in pursuit of a ripe plum held above her head, swinging on his arm as he took her down to the river to watch the otters at play. Legolas rubbed his hand across his eyes, his father had done as much for her could have done while never pretending to replace those she had lost. How then could she…. ?
He sighed, yet he could see no other explanation for her look, and he must tell his father of that. But what words were there that could ease the shock that he knew he must deliver to the king who had taken her in as little more than a babe and raised her within his own house? Words that could tell the truth of what he had seen, and what he guessed to be the cause of it, with a measure of kindness, gentleness? Try as he might he could not think of any, there was nothing that could do to soften the blow, nothing that might make the truth easier to give or to bear.
He rose and went to the window, staring up towards the stars, but tonight they brought no comfort to his troubled mind and spirit. Regret filled him, both for the past and present. Perhaps if he could have been a brother to her then this sorry mess would have been avoided, but for most of her early years in Thranduil's house he had been too occupied with learning about the world. Those were the years when he had ventured out from their Realm and into the wider world, when he had travelled the lands of men, Gondor, Rohan and Arnor on his fathers business, and visited each of the other Elven Realms. During her growing years he had spent little time with her and by the time his travels were past and he returned to take up his responsibilities beside his father she was approaching her majority and no longer the engaging child.
Yet the few memories he had of her childhood made the current situation even more painful. He knew that he had no choice but to share what he had seen in the garden, but his mind revolted at the thought, not only for what he could not but see as a betrayal of her, but also for the torment he must bring to his father.
How could he explain it, what could he say? How could he convey the sense of urgency in her look, the intensity of her regard, or the sudden dread he had felt at seeing it?
Would his father understand?
His mind drifted back once again to the past, but this time to that alley in the snow. Now he saw events unfold with a slightly different eye, for, with a sense of surprise he realised that the way she had looked at his father then had borne some similarity to her look in the garden this evening. The anger had been missing this evening but still there had been a strong likeness in the look, the intensity of it and the sense that a powerful feeling had taken hold of her to the exclusion of all else. Mithrandir had been right to warn his father it seemed, whatever had possessed her then still held her in its sway, and having seen that look there was only one explanation for her behaviour that he could see. Impossible though that seemed.
But the thought caused everything he knew of her, everything he was, to rebel at the idea of it. How could it be so, he must be wronging her surely? No elf would wish such a thing, feel such things, for that was not their nature!
He frowned as another, and very unwelcome, thought took hold of him. Why was it so unthinkable, for had he not strayed close to a similar weakness? Yearning for something that was not meant to be his, refusing to accept that it could not be? Or so he had thought for a while. Now he realised that it had never been the case, for the pain of her love for the dwarf would not have passed so quickly had that been so, and it had passed, that he had been clear to him when they had met again.
He turned from the window and began to pace as an understanding that had been growing on him since the battle became suddenly clear, something he had half grasped before his return home, but that he had put aside in the seasons since. It took his breath away in its simplicity. The truth was that his confusions around his feeling for Tauriel had little to do with her but had been the result of him looking to fill a void that circumstance had created within his life, a deprivation forced by the evil they fought daily.
Like others born within the watchful peace he had come to adulthood at a time when his people were beset on all sides, withdrawing north to escape the darkness, yet followed by the shadow of evil. They had been forced to leave their home, to build a new one, a fortress of stone that was their only certain safety. In the years when he might have expected to have sought a mate finding love was a luxury that could not be afforded, and not just for him. Many others had shared the same fate, and even those who found their eternal one had to put aside marriage and family in the face of the creeping evil that pursued them.
At first it had been no real hardship, he had friends, comrades and his father and he had thought that was enough, and it had been for more than a millennium. Yet something had changed in the years after the dragon came to the mountain and he was still not sure what. In the days since his return he had come to understand, with some shame, that in those years he had started to envy his father for the love that he had known, perhaps even come to resent it. He had seen the look of a deep and enduring love in his fathers eyes when he gazed upon anything that reminded him of his wife, heard the softness in his voice when he sang a song the two of them once shared, watched as his father carefully tended the garden she had built for them and had loved. He had even envied the grief that had come from his father's loss for it spoke of a unity of souls that he had started to fear he would never know, a unity that his father might yet find again across the sea.
Sometime in the years before the coming of the dwarfs that envy had transformed itself into something else, something cold and bitter that destroyed his peace and that, whatever it was, had set in train the events that had led to that day in Dale. It had eaten at his joy in his life, once so strong, withering it and straining his relationship with his father, and from it had come his strange reliance on Tauriel and his thirst for her good opinion. An aberration that he still could not explain but that made him wonder if he could ever trust himself to understand his own heart. He knew one thing though; he would not make any more mistakes in service of that aberration, he would not risk his father and kings safety again.
So he would tell what he had seen, regardless of the difficulty and hurt. For the consequences of not doing so might be even more terrible this time.
On that resolve he rose and headed to his fathers chambers.
XXX
Thranduil smiled as Legolas entered and indicated that he should take the seat opposite to him.
"Come, have some tea. I did not think you wish for more food but I can have some sent if I erred in that. This tea was a gift from Bard and has a most unusual flavour, it was brought by merchants from the further east and so is something of a rarity and likely to remain so."
Legolas looked at him in surprise, distracted for a moment for the reason for his visit.
"The east? What brought them here?"
The king quirked an eyebrow.
"Ah, that is the question he and I debated this evening. He is of the view they were spies sent to seek a way into his good graces and reconcile him to their peoples presence in his lands. Their later intentions may only be guessed at."
"Do you agree with him?"
Thranduil tilted his head.
"I can think of no other reason for them to make so long and dangerous journey to a City that has yet to recover from a dragons touch."
"What will he do with them?"
"Very little for the moment. Watch them closely and not become reconciled to their presence, nor careless of it. In time their intentions will become clearer. Provided he does not make the error of trusting them, or allowing others to, there will be little harm they can do, for they are few in number."
Thranduil poured tea and handed it Legolas.
"But that is not for this night. We have other more pressing matters to discuss. It grieved me to see you so overset and I would know the reason for it if you are content that I should."
Legolas sighed
"I am. Forgive me for my earlier confusion, I was caught unawares. I would have wished to gain mastery of myself before I approached you but I did not have the opportunity."
Thranduil waived the thought away.
"Do not concern yourself on that score, I would not have you suffer the weight of your thoughts alone. What then is that so disturbs you? You mentioned new insights into certain events, and I have assumed that this means your concern is related to Tauriel, or the events in Dale, or both. Am I correct in that?"
"You are, though how deeply the two are connected I cannot with honesty say. Yet I think they must be for it gives an insight into the words she spoke to you that day, words that I gave little thought to at the time but which have long since seemed strange to me."
Thranduil looked down and fixed his gaze upon the marriage ring upon his finger and his face and voice were washed of expression as he replied.
"Which of her assaults upon my character and worth of that day do you refer to? There were several as I recall matters."
Legolas felt a surge of sorrow for he had never doubted that her accusations had hurt his father for all that he had shrugged them off, now it seemed he had had to probe that wound and perhaps cause far greater pain. Yet there was no choice for if she was indeed a threat to his safety it must be known. He drew a deep breath.
"That there was no love in you."
Tharnduils smiled slightly.
"Ah yes, that one."
He paused for a moment his eyes never leaving the ring. Then he drew a deep breath and looked up to meet his son's troubled gaze.
"You say you thought it strange from which I take it that something that has occurred this evening has made it seem less strange."
"I fear so."
"I see. What has she said on that matter that causes you such disquiet? I assume she waylaid you for the purpose, but why did she not mention it when you spoke this morning?"
Legolas shook his head.
"We have not spoken since, I saw her in the gardens as the guests started to depart but we did not meet, indeed I do not think she saw me."
Thranduil frowned at that.
"What then caused this distress? Has someone else said or done something to make you think again upon the matter?"
"No, it was no word or deed that has so shaken me, but a look. A look I saw upon her face as she stood hidden amongst the shadows."
"A look? This has revealed something to you that was not known before?"
Legolas nodded.
"Neither known nor suspected."
His father gave him a long look then spoke softly.
"This expression has caused you such concern? What was it, for it must have been both strange and powerful to disturb you in such a manner."
Legolas stared down into his tea and nodded slowly.
"Yes it was but I find it hard to put the nature of it into words."
He looked up.
"I have no doubt of what I saw, and little doubt of its meaning, but to speak of it is hard and brings me pain on two counts, one that I betray something that is not mine to speak of, the other that I will cause you further anguish. Yet I feel I must speak of it to you, for I have a strong feeling that not to do so will bring further grief."
Thranduil sat back in his chair, his face devoid of expression.
"Speak then, for none will know of it from me unless there is pressing need. What was this look?"
Legolas drew a deep breath.
"I can only describe it as a yearning so deep that it seemed to posses her to the exclusion of all else. I have never seen such a look upon the face of an elf before, such raw hunger, such need. All of it directed to one place."
Thranduil seemed to still and a wary look settled upon his face such that his son was struck with a sudden feeling that maybe he had some sense of what was to come.
"One place." He said softly.
"Yes, or rather one person. You."
He closed his eyes determined now to finish what he had started.
"There was no doubt either of the look or where it was directed. I could not believe it at first and took it that I was imagining it, that the shadows misled me as to her expression, but I was not. I wish I had been! No there was no doubt of it. Seeing it her words that day made a sense they had not before. But how could I have thought such a thing! How could she….."
Anger and pain welled up and choked his words, his father reached forward and out a hand upon his arm.
"Legolas," he softly, "do not distress yourself."
"How can I not! That she could think… could wish to replace…." He shook his head and wiped away the tears that had suddenly misted his eyes. "I would wish to think that I misunderstood what I saw, that the evil was mine in thinking it, that perhaps I spent too long amongst men on my travels and read mannish meanings into the look. Yet I do not think that is so, much though it grieves me."
He looked at his father sadly.
"You took her into your house when she was little more than a babe, nursed her and played with her, watched over her as she grew, taught her and protected her through her growing years, were guardian and parent to her. How could she wish…. want…. even hope, that you could be so perverse, so debased as to take her to…."
The words died away as he caught the dawning horror in his fathers face, his eyes widening and taking on the grey tinge of grief. Legolas gripped his fathers hand on his arm.
"Forgive me that I lay this upon you, but Mithrandir spoke of her particular malice towards you, of the shadow within her, and this night I have seen the root of it and fear where such a powerful desire as I saw in her might lead."
Thranduil shook his head.
"Legolas, do not torment yourself in this way, for the matter, grave though it may be, is not as you think. Though I understand why you think it so and see no evil in it."
Legolas shook his head.
"You did not see the look upon her face, the passion there, the yearning, the wanting. I have seen it upon the faces of the children of men but it was a look I never thought to see upon the face of one of our own."
Thranduil sighed.
"I do not doubt what you saw, or why you think it so. For I have seen that look upon her face myself, and it greatly disturbed me, just as it does you. But you read it wrongly of that I am sure."
"You have seen her look so?" Legolas exclaimed.
His father nodded a sad and weary look upon his face.
"On more than one occasion, though she was unaware that I had done so. On the first occasion it took me just as it has done you, disbelief followed swiftly by horror. I was appalled and could see only one meaning in it, and my first instinct was to send her away, but she had already lost so much and so early in her life. Also, just like you, I found it hard to accept that I could be correct in my fears for it seemed so impossible. I had more time to think on the matter than you, and the more I considered it the more impossible it seemed to be. Yet I did not doubt the power of the feelings I saw in her. So I bided my time, tried to keep her at a distance and watched her. It did not take long for me to decide that my first fears were thankfully misplaced."
He looked at Legolas with sorrow in is face.
"I have come to understand that it not as you fear, and as I once feared. Though that does not make the situation any easier for either party, nor more possible to resolve."
He sighed.
"No I do not doubt what you saw, however it is not as a mate she hungers for me Legolas, but as a parent."
