A/N Yet another computer crash with a need to re-write, so a bit more scrappy than I would like but the length of time since the last chapter is making me twitchy.
I hope this makes sense to anyone who reads it, for me this has always been the only possible expliantion for her behaviour but I am aware that others might find it a bit convoluted even though everything she says and does on screen fits with it, at least to me. I know little about her supposed back story as I frankly wasn't interested in her but I think it went something along these lines, if I got it wrong - then this is what it is for this story.
Again anything of any worth belongs to JRRT.
The problem of Tauriel
For a moment there was silence, Legolas staring at his father in astonishment his thoughts spinning. He had wondered what his father's reaction to his fears would be, but he had not considered for a moment that it might be this. He recalled again the look upon her face, the deep yearning he had seen there and wondered was it possible that he could have read it wrongly. It was true that the feelings he feared it showed were nearly unknown amongst the Eldar, either ellyn or ellyth, and so he had little experience of reading such expressions. Indeed had never seen them amongst his kin, though he had seen them amongst the sons of men before, but could he have been so wrong? Surely not.
Yet his father sounded so certain in his assessment of Tauriel's thoughts and feelings. He too would have seen such feelings mirrored in the faces of the mortals he had known but would he have seen it before amongst their own? Most likely not. So from where came his certainty? What did he know that persuaded him that it was so? It was true that the matter would be less intolerable if that were the case, at least in his eyes, but he could see no way that his father could be so sure of it. Nor could he see the sense in it, for his father had been a careful and generous parent figure to Tauriel, all said so, how could that care have given rise to the hunger he had seen in her eyes this evening?
Thranduil watched him with a deep sadness in his eyes, knowing the complicated nature of his son's feelings for Tauriel and how difficult the matter must be for him. All he could do was hope that he could convince Legolas that his worst fears were unwarranted, that the reasons behind her strange behaviour were not what he dreaded. It was true that a small possibility remained that Legolas's assumption was correct, that his own initial fears had been true. But he had long convinced himself that was not the case, and with good reason, or so he considered. Not that the truth was much less painful than his son's fears, at least not for him.
Finally Legolas shook his head as if to clear it.
"As a parent?" He said softly, looking at his father in confusion. "I grant that I have never seen such a look on the face of one of our own before this night, and would willing find myself to be in error as to the cause, but how can that be, for you were as a parent to her? Why then would she feel that which I saw in her face as she looked at you?"
He frowned, thinking back over what he knew of her early time in the king's house and the events that had brought her there.
" She was robbed of her family, all her kin, and you took her in and filled the void their murder left behind. You could have given her to another to raise but you did not. It is true that I was absent for much of her first years within our house but I know enough from others, and her own words in earlier days, to know that she claim no neglect or harsh treatment however mild or unintended. Your care for her could not be faulted. What could a father have given her that you did not, other than his blood? Why then the longing that I saw, what at could she have needed from you, wanted from you so much, that you did not give her?"
It was Thranduil's turn to shake his head.
"It is not so simple. As for my care of her it was as you say, or so I believed and hoped, and I never knowingly or willingly treated her in a manner different to how you were raised, where I had the choice."
He sighed.
"There were differences of course, that could not be avoided, some things where I had no choice, for as you say she was not of my blood and I knew I could not replace her lost kin."
He sat back in his chair, smiling at his son in a weary manner.
" They were gone from Arda and I could not change that, nor could I undo the wrong that had been done her, the hole that the attack upon her village left within her life. Nor was it my place to try to do so, and I never sought to, for that would have been to disrespect them and their undoubted love for her. Nor could I replace the community she had lost, the aunts and uncles, the cousins, the neighbours and playmates. Yet within the limits of what I could be to her I thought I had provided all she needed, just as I taught her to keep the memory of her family and others she had lost, alive in her heart until such time as he could meet them again."
Legolas frowned.
"That is what I thought but what, then, do you mean when you say that it is as a parent she hungers for you, for hunger it was I am sure? What leads you to that view and what does it mean and how can you be sure?"
Thranduil was silent for a moment gathering his thoughts, for he was not certain that he could explain in a manner that Legolas would understand or accept. Finally he drew a deep breath and continued.
"I have no certain proof to offer to you, nothing she has said to me or others, if that is what you ask for, yet I am sure in my own mind that is the case. I have watched her closely, listened to the words of others and observed how she dealt with her comrades over many years. All things taken to together I have come to this view and I still hold to it. As do the few others who have any knowledge of the matter."
He sighed again.
"The only thing that caused me to doubt my conclusion was the possibility that she acted in service of the Enemy, either knowingly or not. For there was the chance that her need, what ever its source, was fostered by some malignancy from beyond herself. Many things she did and said could be seen that way if looked at in certain lights, and I could not be sure that my history with her was not influencing my unwillingness to believe that was so. But Mithrandir has eased my mind on that score, and now I am as sure as I may be that the flaw lies within her and has no other source."
Legolas leaned forward.
"Perhaps, and I will not challenge you on that. But can you be so sure of the nature of the flaw? I wish with all my heart for your belief to be the truth, yet having seen the look upon her face, a look you tell me you have yourself seen, I wonder how you come to it and with such certainty?"
Thranduil nodded.
"I understand this, and while there are things I would rather not burden you with I know that I must do so to explain. Some of them may cause you pain and for that I would hold them back if there was another way, but know that I cannot given the events of this night."
He locked eyes with his son, a faint sad smile upon his lips.
"The idea that Tauriel was not as an elf should be is not as new to me as I think it is to you. I knew something was not as it should have been long before the matter with the dwarfs, even before she entered the guard. That was one reason I agreed to her entering the guard at so young an age, to offer her a way to step outside my company and find a place for herself."
He looked down into his tea.
"Elrond had counselled me to take care when he knew that I had taken her into my house, warned me that the relationship between foster father and foster child is not the same as between parent and child who are bound by blood ties. Particularly where the loss of blood parents is so sudden and traumatic. I would ponder on his words at times and wonder if I had erred in some way, or if there had been something that he had tried to tell me that I had not heard or understood or taken to heart."
He rose and crossed to stand at the window, the candlelight gilding his golden hair and throwing his face into shadow. Legolas could sense the distress below his calm and grieved for it, never had he felt such anger at her as he did in that moment.
When the king spoke again his voice was soft and sad.
" He counselled me to give regard to those she had lost at all times, to encourage her to remember her blood family, to pay them due honour, and, while trying to fill the void in her life, to never try to replace them. I took his words very seriously for he had much personal knowledge of the matter. So I took care to show remembrance of those she had lost even as I treated her as if she was my own. In the early years you were often elsewhere but I always encouraged her to think of you as a brother and when she wished to follow your path into the guard, even though her parents had not been warriors, I encouraged it."
Thranduil fell silent his mind drifting into the past, recalling the bright faced child with laughing eyes that Tauriel had become when her first grief and sense of loss had eased. Even now he was not sure how she had changed to be the bitter faced creature that had hissed hatred at him across a snowy ruin in Dale, what the steps to that strange unelven creature had been and if there had been some way he could have changed it.
Legolas watched him uncertainly for he had detected a hesitant note in his father's voice.
"Yet I sense from your words that all was not well, not right with her, even then, in the earliest of days." He said slowly, "though I never saw anything amiss in the times I was here. Am I correct in thinking so?"
Thranduil turned to look at him and smiled slightly.
"Not right? No I did not mean to give that impression, at least nothing as strong and certain as that, though I was aware of some faint concern even before she reached her majority. It is true that the relationship between us was not as they were between you and I, and not in the ways I might have expected, but I told myself that she was very much a child of the forest and unaccustomed to living amongst so many others. But yes I will confess to some unease as she grew and so the thought that some strange emotion possessed her was not so shocking to me as it was to you. Yet I did not know the nature of the wrong for a long time. "
He paused gathering his thoughts for a moment then turned back towards the window, staring out into the shadowed gardens as if looking into the past.
"She was always a demanding child, very... certain, unable to understand the need for rules or boundaries and never good at sharing with others, be it toys, sweetmeats or people. I hesitate to use the word jealous for there was little of envy about it, more a desire to be in constant possession of what she saw as hers. I told myself that it was to be expected, she had lost all that she held dear to her in the most sudden and brutal manner, that she must always be wondering if what she had now was about to be snatched away. Yet I cannot deny that it made for some difficulties, certainly where I was concerned for her resentment of the other calls upon my time was often clear." He shrugged. "We found no other children amongst the remains of her community and so I assumed that she had been the only child of the village and accustomed to being the centre of concern for all around her. Something that I could not give her even had I wished to do so."
He sighed.
"There were many storms and tears when she was left with a nurse or tutor, though she was always happy enough if I was close by. Of course as she grew older more of her time was spent with others, but there were many occasions when she absented herself without permission and secreted herself in the council chamber or in my quarters or other places she thought I might be."
Legolas smiled wryly.
"As she did later, if I recall our previous conversations on the matter."
Thranduil nodded without looking round.
" Yes, though perhaps for different reasons. When she was a child I assumed it was fear on her part, a belief that if I was out of her sight for long I would disappear as her parents had, and it did not concern me over much, not then. I thought it would pass, that she would find friends, that their families would come to take the place of the village she had lost. I even contemplated the possibility that she would wish to leave my house and go and live with others outside the stronghold. I would not have prevented it if she so wished for I wanted only what was best for her. I hoped that she would find one she wished to bond with and found her family as her mothers mother had."
He sighed again.
"Yet it did not happen, neither the friends nor the bonding and though at first it I gave it little thought I eventually came to see it as part of a wider pattern that was of more concern. Perhaps by then it was already too late."
"Pattern?" Legolas asked quietly. "What do you mean?"
Thranduil drew a deep breath knowing they were entering into those water that might prove chill and choppy for his son. He stared up towards the stars hoping for inspiration and the words to avoid the worst hurt.
"Things that she should have put behind her as she grew, she did not. The brash and certain confidence of extreme youth verged towards arrogance and a certainty of her own rightness in all things as she grew. Rules, constraints of any kind would chafe her, regardless of the need for them, and she would see them as in some way directed at her and unfair. She could bear no opposition, what she thought must be the indisputable truth, what she sought was beyond criticism, what she thought wrong was little short of evil. Any who challenged her, or that which she thought proper, were greeted with destain or mockery."
He sighed softly his eyes still locked on the heavens.
"The views of experience she discounted, particularly where they did not serve her purpose, and the insights of those of a different temperament or duty were discounted as false. More than that her thirst for attention, particularly from me, did not diminish, nor did her belief that her word must always carry more weight than any other. Only those who thought as she did, who followed her lead in all things could she bear for any length of time. Any criticism or thwarting of her will was met with cold looks and bitter words. She would be first with all regardless of who they were, and yet she gave little enough in return."
Legolas recalled the conversations he had overheard on his tour of the mountains in the winter and sank his head into his hands, again he wondered how it was that he had not seen it.
"Was she this way to you," he said softly, "I can see the shadow of your words in her behaviour in Dale but was that the first time?"
Thranduil gave a wry laugh.
"Oh no, her behaviour was always most marked where I was concerned. Her possessiveness went beyond anything I saw from you even in your youngest years or times of greatest need. From the time she was old enough to know that I was king and what that meant she resented any that I listened to, including my advisors and counsellors, and expected that her words would sway me regardless of anything else. Many an evening has a story reading turned to Tauriel lecturing me on my duties. I of all must think as she thought and see virtue in all she said and did, even when she was a child. But as she grew older the matter became more troubling."
He drew a deep breath and spoke low and slowly.
"Over time it became clear that Tauriel expected to be daughter, protector and advisor, the centre of my world in fact, and if I did not allow that then it was irrefutable proof that I did not love her. This I eventually came to see was at the centre of it all, all the difficulties between us. Only total absorption in her could she see as love and if that was not constantly made manifest then it was because I did not love her as a father would. If I denied her anything then I could not be the father that she yearned for."
He shook his head, the candlelight pulling gold and silver sparks from his hair.
"Perhaps that is hard for you to understand when you saw that look, but it was not so for me, not by the time the dwarfs came. Her behaviour then was of a piece with that of when she was a child. She was already angry with me before the orc was brought before us for I had denied her something she desired, an attack upon Dol Guldur, disastrous as that would have been. Then came the interrogation of the orc and the sin of my objection to her behaviour and the insult of sending her away while you remained. Her response was her pursuit of the dwarf."
Legolas frowned.
"I see, but she did want to save him?"
Thranduil heard the note of hope in his sons voice and suppressed a sigh.
"Perhaps, I cannot say, but I do know that she had no reason to believe that she could do so."
He looked down at his hands.
" I also know that she could not tolerate being told no, for to be so was to be rejected and that was to prove that I did not love her, certainly not as I loved others, and she found the idea that I loved others intolerable. As I said she could not share. But that this persisted when she was grown and to such a degree I was slow to appreciate, had I realised earlier then perhaps we would not have reached the situation that we did."
Legolas frowned thinking over what he father had said and what he himself had seen of the matter.
"When you sent her away from the interrogation of the Orc, you denied her. So she acted to thwart you by leaving her duties?"
"Yes, and when I sent you after her and wouldn't give permission for her to follow the dwarf, I did the same. I sent you after her to give her one last opportunity to return, but we both know what her response was. At that point I knew that I had to act and that my choices were few, and banishing her from the Realm seemed the least harmful, for perhaps a time away would ease the matter. After all she could always return and ask to be forgiven."
He sighed again.
"When she openly demanded I sent a warning to Ravenhill and I refused, put the care of my people before her wants, and in the full view of others, she could not tolerate it, hence her rage. When she spoke of me turning away, claimed there was no love in me, I knew well what her thoughts were and I confess that in that moment I saw her once again as the child who could not be told no, an angry child who would destroy without realising the consequences of their actions."
Legolas nodded slowly a bitter smile twisting his mouth.
"I see. She wanted all your attention, for that was how you proved you were her loving father, and given the history of the Sindar people what better way to gain it than by declaring her love for a dwarf."
Thranduil shook his head slowly.
"Perhaps, but I hope there was more to it than that, that she had truly convinced herself she was in love, for the dwarf was young and he died bravely. He deserved better than to be a sacrifice on the altar of her hunger for her father's undivided attention and indulgence."
Legolas drew a deep breath.
"What then was her attitude to me?"
Thranduil was silent for a moment then he turned to look at his son.
"Even she baulked at the idea that I should not love you, but she constantly tested the relative balance of my love and trust between you and her. One of her favourite taunts when I annoyed her was that I looked down upon her because she, unlike you, was sylvan, I who chose to live amongst them and swore the most sacred oaths to them! But I long ago gave up challenging her on that as pointless. Indeed I would sometimes seem to agree to it for the sight of her at a loss. Unfair of me perhaps, unworthy even, but she could be …..wearing and at least it silenced her for a while."
He gave Legolas a sad look.
"Her attitude to you was... unpredicable. On occassions it would seem that she had great affection for you and was happy at my love of you, but on others it was less.. comfortable."
"How so?"
"She craved my praise but grew ill tempered and spiteful if I mentioned that any such praise originated from you. If I praised you or presented your interests, or protected them in her presence, then she would become vengeful, seeking to taunt or hurt me. I confess that I feared that she would attempt to cause a serious rift between us, particularly one that would give her the opportunity to persuade you the fault was mine."
He allowed the following silence to stretch, wondering how much he should say. Yet there was little be gained by with holding those things he knew.
" I saw your growing preference for her company and wondered what to do for the best. I would not deny you your chance of bonded mate and family and yet... I confess that my greatest fear was that she would seek to gain your love, for I had little doubt of how she would use it. However honest her belief in her own preference at the start."
Legolas nodded.
"She would use it to fix her place in the centre of your world." he said wearily, "If it did not then she would seek to draw me further still from you as punishment to both to you and me."
Thranduil inclined his head.
"That was my fear."
Legolas drew a deep breath.
"And what I saw this evening?"
Thranduil shrugged.
" I hope you understand now that our relationship was complicated and somewhat intense on her side. I do not doubt what you saw. I had sent her away, had no dealings with her since the dwarfs funeral rites, and suddenly here I was in the gardens. She could see me speaking with others, moving around between groups, as close as the roses and yet as distant as star. She could not hear what I said or see how I looked at others for she did not dare to come so close, not in such circumstances. She knew that you would be here too and I expect that increased her awareness for I do not think she has entirely given up the hope of bending you to her will in some way. No I am not surprised that the look you saw."
He left the window and crossed to sit beside Legolas reaching out to lay a hand upon his arm.
"But be assured that she never did or said anything that suggested that the relationship she sought with me was as husband. Of this you may be sure Legolas. Tauriel never sought physical closeness or indeed the emotional closeness between mates, with me, or indeed any other closeness other than to steer my actions. She would watch me it is true, but never in a setting or manner that was intimate. She did not seek to attract or please me an ellyn at all, nor to understand how I thought or felt, my hopes and dreams, my griefs and wishes. Thranduil the elf did not seem to exist to her, only the father and the king, just as I feared the dwarf did not exist to her other than as a means of demonstrating her displeasure."
He tightened his grip on his son's arm.
"I hope that you begin to see why I became convinced that it was not as a mate she yearned for me, for the pattern of her behaviour had roots too old and deep for that, and her actions of those last seasons before the Battle in Dale was all of a piece with those that had gone before."
Legolas sat in silent thought for a while, and his father let him do so simply watching in patient sympathy. Finally he looked up.
"Then Mithrandir is right, she is still a threat to you, for by what I saw this night as long as you are near her this need, this anger will remain within her."
"Probably. She has been given many chances to break free of it and make an independent life for herself, but she has taken none of them. That is the shadow I think he referred to, that wrongness he sensed within her. Some part of her remains the possessive and angry child and may always do so. Though I hope that in time, provided she is not in my company, it will fade and she will find more balance. After all in the life of an elf it is but a breath since that day in Dale. "
Legolas caught at his father's hand.
"Why not send her away then? Would that not be best? I know I asked that she not be cast adrift but I would not wish that you run such a risk when there is true reason to assume a danger."
Thranduil smiled.
"No doubt it would, but where would you have me send her? As I have said before no other Elven Realm would welcome her given what she did that day, I could send her to Gondor or Rohan but there would be none to watch over her there and if she disappeared it might not be noticed. I could send her to the Havens and put her on a ship, but I doubt that any of those she lost are yet released from the Halls and I cannot be sure what she would resort to if she were left alone in Valinor. She is wounded Legolas and some care must be given to her injury even though it is of her making."
"So she will stay in Dale? She told me that she finds it difficult, the constant memories beset her wherever she goes and she finds no release from them."
A look of pain passed across Thranduil's face.
"Ai, I feared that might be the case but there is no other choice. I can do little more for her than I have done and it seems best for all, even her, given the alternatives. I hope that in time that will pass, for Dale will change and the faces of the people she knew will disappear, nor will it be a long time. I asked Bard to see that the place at which she accosted me was one of the first to be re-built and provided the gold for him to do it. That place is no longer as it was, now it is a bustling grain market he tells me. But I cannot change elven memory Legolas and she must learn to bear her deeds as we all do."
He patted his sons arm.
"But my greater care is for you. For I know your distress was great when you saw her. Are you content that what you saw in her this night was not what you feared?"
Legolas sighed.
"In truth I do not know. It is true it fits well with other things I have heard since my return, and explains some other of my confusion about those days and that encounter. I could never fathom what she meant when she spoke of you turning away, yet now it makes some sense. It also explains some of her actions towards myself, the way in which she could change her behaviour so quickly and with little apparent reason."
Thranduil sat back and poured himself some more tea, looking at his son over the rim of the delicate cup.
"Then it has gone some way to easing your mind? Think on it as you need and if there is anything else you need to ask me you have but to say, I will discuss it as often as you feel the need to reassure yourself. Speak to others if you will though I would ask you to be discreet. My personal guard are aware of it, for whenever she watched me she was herself watched. Galion has some knowledge for he too has known since the earliest days, the head healer also has understanding of the matter as does her past tutor, the Captain the forest guard and the Garrision commander here."
He smiled softly.
"I do not ask that you tell me before you consult with them for I would have you be sure that it is their own views that you hear."
Legolas looked at his father for a long moment then slowly smiled.
"Yes and I thank you. But forgive me if I hang upon your arm whilst we remain in Dale and if I confirm her duties to ensure that she is never close to you."
Thranduil smiled.
" You are forgiven. Just as long as long as its not my sword arm you fix upon."
Legolas laughed.
"Ha! But do you not use two swords? Which do you count as your sword arm?"
Thranduil looked at him wide eyed.
"Why I believe I do. It seems that you will have to make do with the edge of my robe."
