Chapter 12: The edge of the blade ...
Sasuke was dumbfounded.
Hinata hold her breath, hoping his utter shock was a path toward understanding but deep down she knew it was the dawn of something much darker.
Time suspended as she waited, as she held her breath. His silence was killing her but she stayed still and quiet, her body tense and her large clear eyes swimming with fear and dread.
It was too late.
"Are you kidding me?" He asked in a dark voice.
"No ... I- I…" She answered with a feverish voice.
"Ah! Really?! No one has ever told me that one before." He replied with a sneer. The grimace pulling at his lips showed utter disdain. He applauded slowly.
"It's -it's the truth! I swear! She-" she said through her sobs with a gritted tone. Despair mixed with frustration was winning over her.
"Cut it out already! Don't you see how sick in the head you're? You're using my mother's death for fuck's sake! I can't believe I trusted you enough to-" he shouted, livid, his hands trembling. Hinata looked at him as her heart broke into pieces with each passing second. She saw his face go from rage to one of utter disgust. "There's something wrong with your head. You need to get locked up and away because you're insane… People like you are a waste of space."
He stared her down, and then walked away.
Hinata was paralyzed by these words. Her heart hurt so much, so bad. He had taken it away with him, stomped on it and torn it to shreds. Tears flowed down her icy cheeks.
Why did he have to say that? Why?
He had no idea how much pain those words had triggered, how much effort it was taking her to hold herself together enough to go back home without crawling.
He had called her crazy.
The other people who had made her feel worthless had been her family. She couldn't help but remember them, how they treated her. They never uttered that word in front of her, but through their behavior, their gaze, the words she eavesdropped when she wandered out of solitude, their neglect, she had learned she was a mistake, a defect… She was a waste of space and never would she amount to anything. It was genetics after all.
Why did I let him in? Why?
She has been afraid to connect with people, to go to them because she knew once she started to get close, they'd try to get closer and they'd discover nothing worth to stay for. So, she stayed away. Karin had been a gift from heaven, the second person to ease a bit her broken soul. Even though it hadn't been enough, it had helped… and now Sasuke'd brought her back to her reality.
Kurenai and Karin were miracles that would be eventually ripped away from her at one point in her life. After all they'd their lives, their projects and they'd eventually have to go separated ways.
When she finally got home, she looked at Kurenai. She had imagined herself faking it once more, smiling a little bit and go to her bedroom. The problem was, the demons she kept at bay broke loose at his words.
She couldn't fake it.
Tears rolled harder.
She was suffocating on the feelings she was keeping down.
She broke down.
Fortunately for her, there was no witnesses to her chagrin for she'd have never set a foot outside again. Her godmother closed the shop instantly and brought her to the living room where she held onto her like she would her own child. Kurenai patted her head, as she rocked back and forth, back and forth, back and forth… until Hinata fell asleep.
She woke up to the sweet smell of cinnamon rolls. It made her belly churn and protest at the idea of eating. Lost in the blurry state between waking up and sleeping, she rubbed her eyes multiple times. She got up to her godmother sitting on the armrest of the sofa where she had been laying.
"Sit down please, sweetie." Kurenai said with a tender tone. Hinata slowly sat down, still affected by her sleep. "Since you've been here, I've paid close attention to your behaviors and such…" Hinata took in a sharp breath expecting the worse -expulsion "and… you'd been happy for the first three months. After that your mood changed. You looked sad sometimes and I thought maybe I should give you more time.
When you started hanging out with Karin you were livelier again, but after that your mood changed even if slightly. Lately you were excited, almost… giddy. I've never seen you like that and now this… I don't know any more Hina. Just… I'm here for you, you know that right?"
"Y-yes Kurenai-San." Hinata answered, her head bowed. She had been worrying her godmother, instead of making her pleased to have her. Hinata have done everything she could to show Kurenai her gratitude but it wasn't enough. Of course. Hinata almost chuckled. "I'm sorry."
"You don't understand." Kurenai sighed, then came closer to the teen. "I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to be happy, to thrive."
As if it was possible…
"It won't happen again. It was… nothing important."
"Hinata," the ebony haired woman grabbed her goddaughter by the hands "you can trust me, ok? Just tell me what is wrong."
She had trusted someone who looked just as open as she did. However, this wasn't a teen boy she didn't own an explanation to -she had to say something. As Kurenai stared at her with so much openness, she decided to serve a half-truth to placate her.
For all the drama that unfolded that the day, she still wished to protect her little world from further damage.
"Th-there's a boy at school that I like and… and I confessed to him today and …" She mentally summoned those murderous words he had hurled at her. Her voice broke. "He -he rejected me."
"Oh… Oh…" Kurenai's face was blank at first. She didn't know what to make of it. Hinata herself found that explanation a bit ridiculous but it wasn't too far from the truth. "What exactly happened? I mean, you were crying quite hard and I know you wouldn't have reacted like that if something serious didn't happen."
"I… he said… hurtful things… to me." She cringed at her own words. She couldn't explain why but she felt bad for saying that, even though it was true. It was like telling a secret she shouldn't have told. Still, it was enough to convince her.
"It's Sasuke, uh? I saw how you reacted to him last time he came to the shop." Kurenai smiled tenderly as Hinata blushed out of embarrassment. She felt stupid. "It's okay sweetie. High school is just a short period of your life. Despite what you may feel or think right now, a lot of amazing things are ahead. You're going to love college."
"You look like you'd a lot of success in love." Hinata said with a small smile. Kurenai laughed.
"A bit." The woman answered with a knowing smile.
"I want to know everything."
The evening ended with cinnamons rolls, chamomile tea, and college memories. Hinata had smiled, laughed and promised herself that she'd treasure every minute and moment she'd spend with Kurenai and Karin for their time was running out.
Hinata went to bed at one in the morning. Her godmother usually went to bed at eight but she made extra effort, even watch a show she didn't really care about to stay as much as possible with Hinata. The teen was grateful to have someone with her instead of been alone during that hard time. However, sleep was deluding her.
Now that she had cried it out of her system, she was calm and serene. Yet, she was thirty minutes in but her mind wouldn't allow her to go to sleep. She sighed as she got up to retrieve her computer and put on some music. On her way to her table, she felt a cold aura hanging over her. She turned around.
It was Mikoto, the one who had harassed her to talk to her son, the one who had almost killed her, the one who had her have endless nightmares. That woman with black hair like him and dark bottomless eyes like his. Everything about the ghost let her see Sasuke; everything about her brought chagrin to Hinata.
She was in that situation because of her.
"I don't want to see you. Never again. Find another… moron to help you." Hinata said in a tired voice, but her eyes were icy.
Mikoto didn't say a word and just stared at her. Even the intensity of her gaze was the same as his. From the very beginning, she should've never spoken with her, with him.
"Go!" Hinata hissed, hoping her voice was too low for Kurenai to hear.
She obeyed.
Hinata breathed deep, realizing she expulsed the last Uchiha out of her life. She didn't know why, but she felt empty, tired.
.
.
.
It was Friday, she had made up her mind: nothing would ever be the same so there was no point in hurting herself more like that.
Despite this very mature thought, her reality was something different. She unfortunately didn't come with a button to turn off feelings. She couldn't forget just like that, and it was apparently the same for him, even though their reasons diverged. Indeed, she constantly felt his gaze piercing her. Her heart was aching but what could she do? He no longer wanted her anywhere near him. He had been glowering at her so much, Karin even noticed it and asked more than once what the problem was.
With a sigh, she left literature class to join Karin in the cafeteria. Karin chatted off about Suigetsu under Hinata's undivided attention. She was having a lot of fun with Suigetsu -the guy was crushing hard on her. He had invited the redhead to dinner, just the two of them at a fancy restaurant in Tanzaku, one of the most touristic towns surrounding Konoha. He had admitted to unwittingly drop the news to Kin, about the movie night at Sasuke's. Hinata flinched at the mention of his name. Karin snide comments allowed her to think about something else even thought the redhead was less and less engaged. Hinata knew her friend had noticed that there was something wrong with her and it was a matter of time before she pounced at her.
It didn't take long.
They were chatting at the top of the last stairs when it happened. Sasuke went down the last step to land on their level. When he looked up, his blank eyes turned hard, hateful as they bore holes into her soul. She shivered from shock as goosebumps arose along her skin. She quickly looked down at his shoes, but it's too late. She felt trapped, unable to breath. One second, two… maybe an eternity went by or maybe just five seconds, she couldn't tell. She was able to catch her breath when his feet moved away, then she looked up.
She saw Kin glued to his side.
She saw Kin stop him.
She saw Kin hug him, kiss him on the mouth and look straight at her with a smug smile while Sasuke's back was facing her. Her stomach stirred.
Karin looked at her friend with wide eyes.
"The hell was that? Don't try to say 'oh, it's nothing'." Karin said the last of her words with a high-pitched tone and a grimace so cheesy Hinata cringed. The redhead was obviously imitating her. She indeed wanted to say those words but she wasn't in the mood to fight Karin on that.
"I told him."
"What?"
"I told him… about his mother."
"What. The. Hell?" The redhead asked. Her eyes grew wider with disbelief written all over her face. Hinata just shrugged. She didn't know what to say. "What's wrong with you girl?"
"He had to know."
"Why?"
"It's -I needed his help to solve the case…"
"How?!"
"Sasuke would've convinced his uncle about the story and his uncle would've had the police work on the case again."
"And now, you're one hair away from receiving a restriction order." Karin huffed. "Still, what made you think he'd believe your words?"
"Because I trusted him."
"Welcome to the real world, girl." Karin shrugged. "I guess Mikoto's case's over now, whether she wants it or not."
Hinata went down the steps one by one, staring at them. She's the last one, but it didn't matter to her. She felt slow anyway. She didn't eat much at lunch. She couldn't help but peek at Sasuke from time to time, despite Karin's warnings. Each time, Kin was basically all over Sasuke as she stared at her, chuckled and whispered into Sasuke's ear.
That evening, she returned home with a heavy heart. It was finally Christmas holidays but what holidays? One she's going to spend moping around and eating ice-cream and cinnamon rolls. She was going to choke on sugar. That was her plan for the holidays.
She hadn't eaten much. Her stomach was so tight that not even a grain of rice would've come down. Eventually, she took refuge in her room to play the same sad song over and over again, until she knew every word. She ended up dozing off, with the song still playing on repeat.
It was a horn that took her out of her trance. A sharp pain made her immobile for a moment. She had fallen asleep on her arm bended awkwardly and it took her some time to slowly get out of her stance. She slowly went to her window which overlooked the road. Her mind was still foggy. She wondered who was making such a noise at 10 p.m.
Her fogginess vanished when she saw who that was: Naruto.
Sasuke's best friend. The blond guy who singlehanded animated the way to Sasuke's house and the movie night. Sasuke's best friend. She grunted, lightly shaking her head to break out of the loop. She didn't want anything to do with things or people related to Sasuke. Didn't Naruto know? How couldn't he?
She cringed when he waved at her. He wanted her to join him downstairs. As she went down, she already went through their conversation and arguments to make him leave her alone.
When she crossed the threshold though, she immediately felt there was a problem. The blonde's cerulean eyes made it clear to her that he was nervous and looked worried.
"What's wrong Naruto-Kun?"
"Look, I know it's been tense between you and Sasuke lately but… He…" He trailed off, seemingly looking for words.
"Naruto-Kun, are you talking about Sasuke-Kun?" She tried to understand. The look on his face twisted her guts painfully.
"Yes, he had… He was hit by a car ..." The blond said in a trembling voice.
Her eyes widened with horror. She could hardly believe what he had just said.
"Come with me. I'm going to the hospital." He said in a weak voice.
She nodded. She went back inside to take her parka and a purse. He was waiting for her in his old Toyota when she came back out. There was a moment of silence before he sped up into the night.
None of them spoke during the short drive to the hospital.
Her stomach twisted and turned more and more with time. At the moment, all she cared about, prayed for, was not to see Sasuke appear in front of her eyes, not before seeing him in flesh and bones.
Naruto barely had time to park the car when she rushed out. He caught up with her in the hall as a nurse prevented her from going through. Fortunately, the blond was there to explain to the woman their reason to be there. Hinata was too nervous, too incoherent for that. A few doors down, they met Itachi and his uncle. Both of them looked bewildered and lost.
"Naruto… Hinata?" Itachi asked when he looked at her. She nodded.
"So, how is he doing?" Naruto asked.
"He has several superficial injuries, rib fractures, and head trauma." Their uncle said in a very calm voice.
"The doctors said he's in a level three coma." Itachi added with a blank voice.
Her feelings vacated her. She was so confused that she didn't even know if she should cry or scream. Naruto, at her side, let out a string of curses with increasing despair and violence.
Her evening managed to get worse, and her blank mind veered into annoyance.
"Oh my god, oh my god where's my boyfriend!" A girl cried in a nasal voice.
When Kin saw Hinata, her hysterical cries stopped dead. Her gaze turned dark and threatening.
"What is she doing here?" She pointed her index finger at Hinata.
Itachi was about to talk but Hinata didn't give him any time to do so.
"Nothing. I was going to leave." Hinata replied dryly.
Thus, she went away without further ado. She heard Itachi call out to her, but she turned a deaf ear. Hinata knew Kin all too well, knew what she wanted to throw her pity party and get as much attention as she could… the exact same thing Sasuke accused her of. She swallowed a huge lump. Her heart was filled with bitterness and fear, all because of him. She wasn't going to put up with his girlfriend on top of that. His girlfriend… She wondered why she went there in the first place. He obviously didn't need her support. It was better he didn't wake up to find her in the same room as him. Who knew what would happen?
Naruto caught up with her as she mulled over her chagrin, her dejection and Kin.
"Hey, don't leave! Stay!" He asked her, holding her back by the arm.
Hinata turned around to tell him how wrong it's for her to be there, but she hadn't calculated their closeness and found herself too close for comfort with him. If one of them leaned a bit, their lips would've touched. She wanted to step back but his hands laid heavily on her shoulders, squeezed them tight. Not a single word was said as he stared at her with those dreamy blue eyes.
Her mind was jumbled.
Alarms went off inside her head when his eyes flickered quickly to her lips before going back to her eyes. Her body offered no resistance to him anymore as her brain was too busy trying to understand the last two seconds.
"Stay, please." He begged tenderly, like he honestly wanted her not to leave.
"I… I was going home anyway. There's no point in me staying." Hinata said as she freed herself.
"Don't mind Kin. The hospital is for everyone, so ..." He tried to convince her.
"No, you don't understand Naruto-kun." She said in a broken voice.
"Yes, yes, I know very well how you feel." He breathed.
"It's too complicated..." She said, leaving. She was unable to shake off that weird feeling on her way back home.
Christmas arrived, Karin spent it with her adoptive fathers and brother in the mountains, and Hinata spent it with Kurenai. She hoped she had been convincing enough not to ruin her godmother's enjoyment but the pleasure of opening her gifts didn't manifest. She unwrapped them, smiled even, but without exulting with joy like last time. She still tried to show a little enthusiasm for Kurenai who had taken time to give her all those gifts.
The truth was, since Sasuke's accident, she'd been living on autopilot. Get up, eat, and sleep. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself that he wouldn't want her to care, that he hated her, that he already had people around him and she was nothing to him, that she'd no right to care, she still begged for heavens and Kami not to let his spirit appear in front of her. She begged them to let him live.
Naruto had called her to give her news of his friend. She had noticed something off in his voice. She bit her inner cheek. Sasuke was something, Naruto, another. He had been courteous to her, always correct, kind even and she decided that she'd find a way to show him her appreciation -she didn't want to judge him based on his friend's actions.
On December 27, Kurenai brought her to Tanzaku. They hang around in the town; they went to a restaurant and a bakery; they stopped by any shows they saw on the streets and went to a movie. At last, she gave Hinata a birthday gift -it was a snowball. Inside it were two white bears standing side by side, one taller and both having red scarf around their neck. When she understood what it represented, her eyes stung but she genuinely smiled.
It was two in the morning when they crashed at a small hotel. They first went to the private sauna before sleeping much later.
On 29, Kurenai opened the store. They're refreshed, but it was superficial for Hinata as her problems came back crashing on her when they entered the town. It wasn't helping that every customer talked about him.
In the afternoon, Kurenai got down to doing the accounts for the year and asked Hinata to help customers.
Hinata felt bored, relentless. Kurenai was busy with administrative work, Karin was away, there wasn't even enough rush at the store. As time passed though, she realized it wasn't boredom that bothered her but a desire to do something else to block out less than pleasing thoughts. She took the initiative to tidy up the shelves.
She was about to start the syrup shelves, arms full with glass bottles, when she heard the doorbell ring. She put some of the bottles down before turning around to welcome the customer. Only, the person in front of her wasn't an ordinary customer.
He shouldn't be able to be there.
Seeing him, she took a step back and let go of the bottles she held. They broke one by one.
Crack!
Crack!
Crack!
She landed on her butt, sliding on the liquid that flowed from them. Despite the chaos surrounding her, she hadn't taken her eyes off of him. What she had dreaded so much had happened. He was standing there in front of her and she didn't want to believe it, didn't want to believe that he was dead.
Sasuke couldn't be dead!
Her godmother joined her, almost frantic as she called out for her, urgency turning her voice high pitched. Her ruby eyes eventually laid on Hinata sitting in the middle of all the mess she'd caused, still petrified by the apparition. She was too dizzy, stunned, devastated, to think clearly, much less get up.
"Hinata! Oh heavens! What happened?! Are you okay?!"
Kurenai kept questioning Hinata as she helped her up and examined her. An incoherent sound escaped the older woman when she saw blood running down the teen's hands. Hinata pulled her hands away.
"Excuse me but I have something to do." Hinata told her. When Kurenai tried to put her hands on her shoulders, the dark-haired girl moved away from them, then ran up the stairs.
Hinata was calm, lucid.
She vaguely heard her godmother's scream but didn't distinguish a single word coming from her mouth. It didn't matter. It was the least of her worries at that instant. She absolutely had to phone someone, anyone who knew what was going on. She wanted to be sure what she was seeing was reality.
No, she wanted to make sure what she was seeing was an illusion.
Hinata had opened the cabinet in the hall in search for the phone book Kurenai once gave her. She frantically took everything out of the cabinet, leaving nothing else inside but the book at the back of the cabinet.
Her mind was calm, empty.
Her hands were trembling.
She was having the hardest of time finding the Uchiha mansion's telephone number.
At last, she found it.
She snatched the phone from its base and dialed the number at full speed, praying not to enter the wrong key. Finally, anxiety sunk in. She fought back the loop taking place inside her head with a mantra: it couldn't be true. Her mind kept replaying the mantra but her heart sunk lower and lower, and her eyes stung.
She pinched her thigh, creating pain to fight pain.
It wasn't true. Sasuke couldn't be dead.
Someone answered.
"Moshi Moshi?"
"Itachi-San? It's Hinata!" She couldn't hide the distress in her tone anymore. She didn't think about it, couldn't care about it.
"Ah?! Hinata, is there a problem?" He asked her, surprise coloring his voice. She noticed he's quite collected. It surprised and soothed her.
"Uh… Actually, I wanted to check in on Sasuke."
"Naruto didn't give you any information?"
"Yes, yes but I ... let's say ..." Hinata tapped her forehead as she scrunched up her face. "I wanted to know how you were doing too!" She felt like dying inside for a moment. Her words sounded so stupid to her ears.
"I'm fine. As for Sasuke..."
Her heart skipped a bit. She held her breath, braced for the worst.
Time stopped.
"His state is stationary." He announced.
Hinata thanked heavens as tears finally flowed down and tension left her body. He was not dead. She turned around, looking at every corner of the room. He was nowhere to be find. She almost laughed at how absurd she had been.
She realized how much Sasuke's accident had affected her enough to conjure up his image. Indeed, she cared too much to pretend not to, even if he'd rather she didn't. What a pity.
"Hinata? You're still here?" Itachi asked on the other end of the phone.
"Yes, thank you Itachi-San. Thank you for your time."
Hinata hung up before he had time to ask her any awkward questions. Now she could breathe properly… and take in the mess she was in, literally and figuratively. Her pants and sweater were sticky with syrup and she had left while Kurenai was talking. She sighed again. One problem at a time.
She got up and went to change her clothes. She had barely closed the door when a voice reached her ears.
"Hinata?"
The voice made her blood curdle.
It was a voice that she'd have recognized among thousands.
"Sasuke?" She quietly asked.
"Huh."
Something dark, frightening constricted her chest as she stood still. A part of her was petrified and unable to process any thoughts; another, much more curious, made her turn slowly around.
There he was, stoic in his stance as he observed her with his bottomless dark eyes.
She swallowed very hard.
"What is happening to me?" He asked her with a hint of concern.
She couldn't believe it was him after all. Her eyes travelled up and down, taking in the image as a cold aura emanated from him. There's no way she could deny that. It was really happening.
At least he wasn't dead.
How was it possible?
"You are a spirit." She answered, taking clean clothes from hangers.
"Sorry?" Here they went again with his skepticism.
"You're in a coma at the hospital, which mean you aren't dead but your spirit is here nevertheless. I can see you because I can see spirits... or ghosts if you prefer." She explained in a neutral voice, hiding her emotions as much as she could. "If you don't believe me, I invite you to go to the hospital to see for yourself."
During her short explanation, she didn't once look his way, even when she went to the door.
"Where are you going?"
"To the bathroom."
Her cheeks reddened hard. She brought her hands full of clothes to her face, fisting them against her forehead. She had just said to Sasuke that she was going to the bathroom. Worse, he was standing in her bedroom. It took a lot of mantras and breathing to get her moving.
This was Sasuke and he didn't care about her so no big deal… that's what she kept telling herself.
After her bath and changing into new clothes, she went back to her room. He's sitting in her chair, near the window. She sat down opposite to him on her bed. After the redness in her cheeks subdued along her embarrassment and angst, wonder took over. She found it extremely bizarre to have him in her room, even if only in part.
He wasn't supposed to be there.
Those beautiful, haunting, dark eyes that had dazzled her, hurt her, were staring with melancholy at the sky as a light breeze moved everything around him except on him. Even in the afterlife he looked devastatingly handsome, even more so with the ethereal quality his ghostly appearance gave to him… He looked like an angel, an angel of death…
A shiver ran along her spine.
He had nothing to do there.
"Why are you here?"
"… I don't know."
