Author: evansentranced
Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling. I wonder what she'd say in these if she had a fanfiction username? "I am JKRowling, All of you revere me as a god." I'd like to see someone try and sue her!
Summary: Chapter Three...things really get going...
Since last year's dueling fiasco, it had been agreed by all the teachers that several competent chaperones be present at every showing of one of Fred and George's movies.
Which meant that Percy was removed from the hall with very little damage done, except that several rows of seating had to be set back up again, and Fred had a small bump on the side of his head.
"I count myself lucky that Percy was always too prudish to learn how to hit properly," he was heard to have said after all the commotion had died down. "Now back to the real show."
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"As it has already been stated, there are many breeds of Pratus. But none are so fearsome as the dreaded 'Giantus Pratus'." Draco Malfoy stands in the centre of a hall, looking very smug and pratlike, until a suspiciously red-haired blur zooms by and knocks him off balance.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"I KNEW it!" Malfoy exclaimed, outraged but triumphant. "I knew you Weasels were going to put me in this! Wait-"
He glanced suspiciously up at the screen, but it showed nothing but a few more random shots of Malfoy being prattish.
Harry grinned at him and said, "Oh, well done your Great Pratliness. You figured out that they were going to put you in a movie titled 'Giantus Pratus'. I'm sure that took a lot of brainwork on your part."
Malfoy glared at him, eyes still darting about warily, in case he was being filmed. He opened his mouth to give a no doubt fabulously witty reply, but was cut off by the movie continuing it's monologue.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"The Giantus Pratus is the most extreme of all the Pratus breeds. His powers of irritation are second to...very few." Malfoy sits behind Harry in Potions and pokes him repeatedly in the back of the head with a sharp quill, feigning innocence whenever Harry turns around.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"I knew that was him," Harry muttered with a pained expression, rubbing the back of his still tender head.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"While most breeds of Pratus actually have some level of authority, the Giantus Pratus relies solely on his ability to smarm up to authority figures." Harry finally snaps and turns to start yelling at Malfoy, at which point Malfoy puts on an upset expression and calls Professor Snape over to their seat. Professor Snape smirks and takes points off Gryffindor. Malfoy smirks victoriously at Harry behind Snape's back.
Later, Malfoy stands in the middle of a large group of Slytherins, nursing his injured arm and gloating loudly about how angry his father is about the hippogriff attack.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Harry, Ron and Hermione turned around to glare at Malfoy who seemed pleased by his Potter-baiting ability and the fact that nothing terrible involving giant monsters or nudity had happened so far.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"The Giantus Pratus has, like the Minimus Pratus, a herd that follows him about." Malfoy walks down a corridor, flanked by Crabbe, Goyle and a simpering Pansy.
"Unlike the Medius Pratus, however, the herd that the Giantus Pratus commands is composed, not of wankers, but of goons and lesser gits. Given the chance, they will not drop the Giantus Pratus."
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
At this, Malfoy turned and nodded at his 'goons and lesser gits' with a grin. Pansy in particular smiled back at him, then turned up her nose at Fred and George.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"They will, however, rise to take his place as Head Pratus."
Malfoy waves goodbye to his 'herd' and walks away. Pansy makes several rude hand gestures at him behind his back while Crabbe and Goyle chortle appreciatively.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Malfoy's eyes widened as he looks back at his goons and lesser gits, who looked shocked and only very slightly guilty.
"That wasn't me, Drakie, I swear it!" Pansy cried out, clinging to Malfoy's arm pitifully. "They used some kind of spell or trick with those stupid cameras of theirs, I promise!"
Malfoy stared at her suspiciously until he heard a faint snigger from Fred and George's group. Harry was grinning at him and Ron was laughing openly.
"Shut up, you wannabe Minimus Pratus," he sneered at Ron, effectively silencing him. Harry continued to grin at him, unabashed, so Malfoy added, "Hm, I wonder where all the topless pictures of Potter have gotten to? I haven't seen one yet!"
Harry blanched at this, and turned to glare suspiciously at George and Colin.
"Hey!" Fred said, hands raised in order to shield himself from the terror of Potter-wrath. "The fact that there are no topless pictures is a good thing, yeah?"
Harry gave them one last paranoia-filled glare before turning to smirk insolently at Malfoy and settle back into his chair to watch the rest of the movie.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"Now during our research on this fascinating creature, we learned a few things about the general reaction to a Giantus Pratus."
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Malfoy jumped to his feet, fumbling for his wand. He pointed it at Fred and George. "What did you do!"
Fred, George and Harry grinned, completely unworried at the idea of having Malfoy's wand pointed at their heads.
"Don't worry, Malfoy," Fred said amicably. "Nothing too damaging."
Malfoy continued to look panicked, so Harry stepped in and reassured him.
"Which just means that everyone already knows about it anyway. Now they just get to see it."
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"Observe as the Giantus Pratus attempts to approach a member of the fairer sex."
Malfoy makes a comment about Hagrid, and Hermione descends on him and slaps him full across the face with a loud smacking sound. He staggers back, shock written across his features. Harry and Ron stand behind her in awe as she raises her hand for another go.
"Obviously, he has not done well. The pheromones he exudes are repulsive, and the female is enraged at the mere sight of the Giantus Pratus. Let's see that again."
Smack!
"One more time, for informational purposes."
Smack!
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"Stop that!" Malfoy cried over the laughter, cheeks bright red. "Stop repeating it!"
"I dunno, Malfoy," George said, grinning. "I think we need to see it once more."
He pulled out his wand and rewound the movie.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"Observe as the Giantus Pratus attempts to approach a member of the fairer sex..."
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Malfoy stood in front of Fred and George, wincing every time his movie-self was slapped.
"Stop that," he repeated angrily, raising his wand as though to hex them. George's eyes widened comically.
"Quick, Hermione!" he cried, pulling Hermione out of her seat and placing her in front of them. "Get rid of Malfoy! Slap him again!"
Malfoy flushed and took an involuntary step back. Hermione raised an eyebrow at him, then rounded on Fred and George.
"You two are the limit!" she said, frustrated. "What was all that about pheromones? I can't believe you were recording that! Whatever happened to privacy?"
"Yeah..." Malfoy said faintly from behind her.
"Shut up, Malfoy," she said distractedly.
"Yeah, Malfoy, let the adults handle this," Ron said with a grin.
"So you should probably keep your mouth closed to, eh Ron?"
"Be quiet, Harry."
"Sorry Hermione."
"George, I swear," Hermione continued warningly. "If I ever find out you're filming me without my knowledge again, I will make you suffer."
George raised a politely incredulous eyebrow, and Hermione continued. "I will write to your mum."
Both twins recoiled in shock.
"You wouldn't!" Fred gasped. She'd just gone over the line.
"Watch me," Hermione said dangerously, taking her seat again. "Now let's finish this."
"That goes double for me," Malfoy called, trying to get in one last word. "I'll write your mother too."
"No, you won't," Fred said absentmindedly.
"And why not?" Malfoy asked, sneering. "I could write to your mum if I wanted to."
Fred and George looked at each other. "You don't know how to contact her,"
"She'd think the letter was hexed, coming from a Malfoy and all,"
"You'd never lower yourself, you great prat,"
"And we'll sic Hermione on you if you even try."
Hermione glared at them again. "All of you sit down and let's watch the movie. Malfoy, go back to your seat."
Malfoy glared at her, but hurried back to his seat all the same.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"That certainly was informational. Now, as the Giantus Pratus has failed miserably with his own species, it is only sporting that he give it a try with another sort."
Harry has just succeeded with Buckbeak, and Malfoy has taken him to practice with. Malfoy bows, and Buckbeak bows back.
"Well, well, perhaps the Giantus Pratus will have more success with this male hippogriff than he did with the female of his own species. While this could cause some awkward moments when it comes to mating, all that really matters is that they are happy together."
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Harry, Ron, Hermione and, across the hall, Malfoy, all stared up at the screen, frozen in disbelief.
"Did you honestly just..." Ron began faintly.
"I don't remember this bit..." Harry added in the same sort of voice.
Malfoy was simply staring at the screen, jaw on the floor.
At precisely the same moment, Ron and Harry looked at each other and burst into almost hysterical laughter.
"I can't believe you...!"
"Gah!"
Malfoy had recovered from his shock and launched himself at Fred and George, wand and all sense apparently forgotten.
Crabbe and Goyle, who up to this point had been watching quietly, now ambled across the room and stood behind Malfoy, uncertain of what they should be doing.
"Help me, you great imbeciles!"
Crabbe made a faint 'oohh' sound, and both scrambled over to help.
"Alright, that's enough," Professor Lupin had decided that leaving well enough alone wasn't going to work in this case, and had ambled over to break things up.
Malfoy reluctantly detached himself from Fred, and George scrambled away from Crabbe. Malfoy was nearly as prudish as Percy, and neither twin had had enough time to get really hurt by his goons.
"Mister Malfoy, while I understand that this might be embarrassing for you, violence is not the correct response in this case," Professor Lupin said sternly. "Especially not muggle brawling. I would have thought you would consider yourself above such things. Perhaps you should leave."
Malfoy reddened and shook his head.
"Professor," he said slowly, as though questioning the accuracy of the title. "I understand that my...behavior was uncouth, but I feel that I need to remain in the Hall in order to...be aware of what these Gryffindors are saying about me. Sir." As his speech progressed, his voice became less and less mocking and more and more ingratiating. Ron, who was standing out of his sight, pretended to vomit down his front. Harry kept quiet, but locked eyes with Professor Lupin and jerked his head at Malfoy, then up at the screen, as though to say, 'What a Giantus Pratus'. Professor Lupin hid a smile and nodded thoughtfully at Malfoy.
"I appreciate that, Draco, but I think that perhaps you should restrain yourself." Ron's jaw dropped, and Fred and George scowled. "If you think that you might be unable to, I'm sure we can find a way to...curb your enthusiasm."
Fred and George's heads snapped up eagerly. Malfoy looked very slightly appalled. "I think I can restrain myself, sir," he said carefully, and with that he strode quickly back to his seat and placed himself carefully between Crabbe and Goyle, who effectively shielded him from view.
"Professor!" Hermione said, scandalized. "Did you just threaten to..."
"Of course not, Miss Granger," Professor Lupin said placidly. "I would never do such a thing."
She nodded slightly, still a bit shocked, and Professor Lupin gestured at the empty seat next to Harry. "Do you mind if I sit here?" he asked courteously. Harry shook his head, still grinning, and the professor took a seat.
